Help Raise Awareness

April is almost over....April is Sexual assault awareness month and Child abuse awareness month

It makes since to me that they are both in April as they go hand in hand.  No all, but a lot of sexual abuse happens at such young ages.

It's sad and it's scary.

I saw this post above on Instagram....the numbers are sad.  Why are there so few arrests?  Every case should end in justice!

What have you done this month to raise awareness???

These numbers need to change!  We need to act!  Yes, it's not something we want to be reminded of, and it's not what we want to look at, but it's a horrible part of this world! and we need to do something to raise awareness and HELP!!

I speak at Take Back the Night on Wednesday....it will be my 10th year.  I will be posting my speech on here...This is what I do each April.  And year round I post my blog (not often enough but when I have something to share) and now I'm on Tumblr as well and I post (reblog) a lot on there... These are the things I do.  I also offer an ear and support to others.  If you need help, I'm not a councler but I'll listen.

I challenge each of you....find a way to act now!  Sexual abuse isn't something easily seen....it's not leaving a black eye, it makes it hard to "see"  which makes it hard to fight.... but we can!

Post info, be a friend, be a support, post inspiration,...I'm sure there's more things.  volunteer,... find your own way. but please do something to help with these numbers!!!

Fight for justice, we don't want child molesters anywhere near our kids

No Justice

I'm sorry in advance.  I normally try to be positive and up lifting - but I don't think this post is going that way, but this is my story, and my feelings and I want them out there.

After finishing my last post I was left with having just relived all the feeling I had gone through during those years.  I was so Angry that Rick was, not just one the same farm as me, or road, but even that he was in the same state - and loose!!  I hated that he was free to go do whatever he wanted, although on paper he was to stay so many feet away from kids.

I know he went to jail - for a couple years, then was on parole, and now free...

Why?

How?

I don't get it!!

Because I kept my mouth shut about what Jim did for so long he never went to jail or anything before he died.  He lived the life he wanted until he died - because I was afraid of admitting to what had been going on.

I feel like there is no justice for the victim.  We are the ones most hurt here,  We are the ones that have to deal with the memories of what was done to us, or what we had to do.  We are the ones knowing that there is a limited amount of jail time for our abuser - and then they are out!  We are the one who have a hard time trusting anyone - for we know that people are capable of unspeakable things!  We are the ones who lost the wonder of childhood!!  Who learned about sex way before we should have.  We are the ones who have to deal with what we went through for the rest of our lives.  We are the ones who have to pay for therapy (if we can afford to do so...if not we're left to try to find comfort some other way).

So why is it that the abuser gets to go back to his/her life?!

I will never get my childhood back, yet Rick is back to working around school buses and doing whatever he wishes.  Jim never felt the weight of being convicted guilty over what he had done to me.  All I can hope for there is that there is some sort of God that will rule the ultimate Judgement for him (but then I'm not even sure that I believe in God...Heaven, Hell....a lot of teachings I just can't follow or believe in....but believing that there is some sort of ultimate Judgement is all that we have left)

Here's one more thing that just makes me so mad:

Why is it that the news covered that they were looking for Rick (image right) of a suspected rape of a 6 year old girl (I was only 6 - I didn't know the difference.  I said he put his "thing" into my "thing" when I finally told someone what was happening....I didn't realize the difference) But there was no follow up article telling how he had run to Canada, then came back and confessed to molesting me and had a jail sentence?  Why would you not follow up a wanted/looking for article with a Found/Convicted article??



One last bitter thought... Justice is something hard to bring to any victim.  But I think if we can't quarantine all sex offenders and murders in some Godforsaken part of the world to rot, then why can't we at least mark each one who has been convicted?  A big black forehead tattoo saying S.O.B. (Sex Offending Bastard) would do well.  Then at least everyone who has been convicted will have no way to hide it!!  Parents will be able to easily spot them and keep their kids away and other people can view them for the low lives they are!  Then there's no way for them to hurt anyone else again.
Sadly there will still be people out there because not everyone is convicted because sexually based crimes are very under reported.
But the marking would help!!

Why is it that if they were convicted before Megan's law they they don't go on Megan's List??
I don't care that Rick hasn't been charged since.  I don't think people change - not abusers.  I was his daughter - the one person in the world he should have never had any sexual thoughts about - a child non the less!
He took away my childhood innocence - his own daughter - what makes anyone think he wouldn't do it again to another??

I was a victim.  I am now a survivor - my past has not held me down - but I will always have my invisible scars that will haunt me.

Never would have known...

"I would have never known that you went through that"

"You couldn't tell that you went through that"

"I would have never guessed..."

"You turned out so well..."

"I'm surprised at how you handle yourself...."

 

 

These are all things I've heard over the years and I don't know why but it

 

surprises me that people say some of them. You can't tell what a person has

 

gone through just by looking at them. Only physical abuse leaves marks. In

 

talking to someone, unless they tell you, you don't know what they've gone

 

through and keep secrete. Even people who you've known for years could harbor

 

dark details that you wouldn't have known about until they open up and tell you.

 

I know my family didn't know about what my grandfather was doing to me until I

 

told first my boyfriend at the time, then my counselor, then had to tell my

 

family about it...I was 17 at that point...and was already out of that house and

 

abuse. People wouldn't have known if I didn't say anything....so you can't tell

 

just by looking, knowing, or even talking to a person what they've gone

 

through.

 

Sexual, mental, and emotional abuse don't leave marks for people to see.

 

They leave permant lasting marks on the victims' memories, mind, and self image

 

most of the time. And these marks will never fully heal. Physical abuse does

 

the same thing to a person, only the physical marks will heal. Now I did say

 

that one will never fully heal from abuse, and it's true, but there's a lot of

 

healing that will happen in time, and with help and support.

 

Everyone copes with their abuse in different ways, and to stereotype that

 

everyone who has been abuse will have problems with drugs, drinking, or violence

 

is wrong. I'm very lucky in that I don't battle any of these problems. I

 

remember being told by my uncle who was raised by the same abusive grandparents

 

that once I was out of that house I would go off to college and party like crazy

 

and do all the drugs out there. That's what he did. I don't know what he went

 

through at all, he never told me much more than that my grandparents had gotten

 

soft, they were much harder on him. I think it also didn't help him when he

 

learned what his brother had done to me when I was so young. I loved my uncle

 

dearly. I was really caught off guard when I found out that he had committed

 

suicide.

 

I don't know for sure but since his father and brother both molested me maybe he had gone through something in that house at a young age as well. I don't know. Statistically speaking it's a good chance he was abused as well. I always thought and really believe that I was the only one hurt by my grandfather.

 

People are good at hiding things when they really don't want others to know something. Abuse isn't only for the people who are poor or doing drugs or it can happen to anyone no matter what their lifestyle could have been abused, or could be being abused. It doesn't matter how they look, or act. You just don't know.

 

So if someone tells you that they've been abused don't say "I would have never known" but try I'm sorry to hear, or if you can relate tell them that you know what it's like and share your story and be a friend who they can talk to.

 

Now when I was going through the abuse and my life was crazy and I was still in school and getting help I was told by my counselor how well I was handling everything and that helped. It helped to hear that I was doing good and she told me how strong I was. To say those things to someone who is being abused or just got out of an abusive home that will help, just let them know they are strong, doing good, and even when they feel like they are falling apart by telling them they are handling everything well will make them feel better. At least it did me.

 

Maybe that's why I didn't get into drugs bad or try to drink away my problems...just to know that someone cares and loves you can make all the difference. I was lucky to have had that in my teachers, counselors, and my family who was there for me and took me in.

The Perks Of Being a Wallflower (the movie)

A note before I start. I don't want to ruin or spoil the movie for anyone. It is a great movie so please if you haven't seen it yet then stop reading NOW and go watch it, then come back and read if you wish as I'm sure this entry will make more sense after watching the movie.

　

***Read on only if you've seen the movie***

 

I am so happy I was able to rent The Perks of Being a Wallflower from my local library and got to watch it.

I always find it hard to watch a movie or show that brings up childhood abuse or rape. I wasn't raped but the feeling that come with watching that are really hard to deal with. Everytime my chest gets tight, I often feel like hiding somewhere, I remember how I felt, and I always feel ashamed and like everyone around me can tell that I was that kid in the movie. I don't know if everyone feels that way...I never ask, I've never told how thoses scenes make me feel. I'd describe it a panic or anziity attack. And it always makes me uncomfortable to watch when there's a lot of people in the room, espically if I do cry or really freak out over my flood of feelings from the past. It does usually help to have my husband near to comfort me. Even though this is how I feel I still think it's important to have movies, and TV shows, and books that adress childhood abuse. It's important to make other uncomfortable, and to show them that this really does happen.

For me writing helps me sort out my feeling or to overcome emotions. It helps me to let it all out...and I can't let it out by talking. Talking about the way I feel has always been very hard for me even in coucling so I've always written...it is 12:15 in the morning and after watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower I had so much on my mind that I had to get it out. I hope to write and be done so that I can get some sleep tonight. Just a little side note for other survivors or victems, do whatever it takes for your feeling to be out there. Now back to relating to the movie...

I guesse now it a good time to relate to the main charater, Charlie. I could relate to him right off the bat. He kept a type of diary, writing letters to a Dear Friend, talking about what was comming up and how he was feeling just then, but never once did he mention abuse in the letters. He was a wallflower, a loner, and he was scared and nervous. He got close to a teacher, who probably didn't know it but helped him out, and encouraged his writing and education. He said in the begining of the movie how he went all summer without talking to anyone outside of his family. I knew just how he was feeling for that was me, all throughout school. I didn't make friends easily, but was really close to teachers. There were a few who were really helped me. I had friends in school but none that I was really really close to, and not one that I talked to over breaks. Jen and Jim kept me very issolated from everyone. Every year at the begining of the school year I'd wonder who would want to talk to me. It didn't bother me, I didn't mind sitting back and listening. I loved school it was my safe-haven from my home life where I could never do anything right and had to wonder if Jim was going to try to see me naked or touch me. I always kept a diary, although I never mentioned any abuse I was going through. I didn't start writing about my abuse or feelings over it until I was getting counceling from VIP.

By the end of the movie you learn about the molestation he had gone through, although you would have never known. Since I had watched this movie after reading "Inoculating Your Children Against Sexual Abuse!" I picked up on the big sign of the aunt telling him "our little secret" about getting him a gift. Other than that you wouldn't have known about what was going on, until they show you. I will encourage all parents now to get the book "Inoculating Your Children Against Sexual Abuse!" as it goes through steps in teaching your children to protect themselves one of which is your family has no secrets, and it also has a checklist for you to ask yourself about anyone that's around your kids.

He says that one of the hardest days is when he was getting help the doctor had to tell his parents what had happened to him, and how hard it was on everyone. Having gone through that not only once but twice, I can tell you it's extremely hard! Childhood sexual abuse doesn't only effect the child, but once everyone around, just in a different way. My family told me that they feel like they should have known, and sometimes blame themselves for what happened to me. It's hard to come to terms with that someone you know, someone that is part of your family would do such a thing to a child, to your child, one who you thought was safe. Parents wouldn't leave their kids alone with someone who they didn't think the kids wouldn't be safe with, so the abuse always comes as a big surprise. It was hard for me at a young age of 5 or so to tell my family the first time, espically since I didn't understand why they were making a big deal out of it or what was happening. The second time I had to tell people I was a grown teen of 17...and that was hard. I had to tell everyone that I had this big secret that I had kept and hidden for years. I think the movie did a great job at showing how hard it was on everyone to learn of what had happened, and to show how ackward it is after, how everyone feels uneasy. It's hard to get that emotion in a movie, but I think they did it well. I think it's easier for me to understand since I had gone through it.

The great thing for Charlie is that he made really great close friends who were there for him. And he had a very supporting family.

Just like in reality Charlie wasn't the only one to have suffered abuse, and I love how the writers go on to show that your friends don't turn their backs on you when they learn of your past.

Charlie's sister dates a guy through the movie and in one scene, and only one scene they show a fight between the two of them and he hits her. I've never been in a relationship like that but have had friends who have. I always said, and told my husband, if I was ever hit that would be the end of the relationship no matter what. I had my share of abuse growing up and I wouldn't and won't put up with it. I honestly don't understand why anyone would stay with someone who hits them or makes them feel bad. My one friend who I had learned that her boyfriend had hit her, when I told her to leave him and that she could do better, she made the excuse for him that she egged him on, it was only that one time, that she wouldn't stay if he hit her again, and that she had already invested too many years with him that she couldn't find anyone else and that she loved him. This same friend when set up with a great guy a few years before and went out on a date, told me that she couldn't date him because he was too nice for her and she didn't deserve that. It's really sad, and they say it in the movie, people go for and stay with what they feel they deserve. It's true, you do. I dated a lot of jerks and guys below me but there were 2 who really were good and showed me that I could date above the level I thought. One was my high school sweetheart who I dated for just under a year. He was supportive and the first one I told about what Jim had done to me. While we didn't stay together, him and I still remained close friend, and still are to this day. I'm very thankful to him for all the support he gave me. After we broke up, I went back to a low self estem and not dating anyone good. Finally my best friend at the time set me up on a blind date with the man who is now my husband. I really didn't think he'd want to stay with me, but he did, and he's turned my life around! So, if you're someone who is with someone who treats you poorly, just know that you deserve better, even if you don't think so, you do, you're worth more than you think!! I love how they show at the end of the movie the sister does leave her boyfriend and they show her happier without him.

Charlie's first relationship is with a girl he didn't really want to be with. I've been there too! He stayed with her because he felt bad for breaking up with her. There is no abuse in this relationship. He finally ends the relationship in an awful way. I really felt bad for the girl. It is never a good idea to stay in a relationship that you don't love the person your with. As a person who always wants people to be happy that's really hard to do. I know I dated a guy once who was sucidal. I didn't want to be with him, and had no feeling for him. I only said yes to going out with him because he got up the nerve to ask me out and I felt like I'd really hurt his feeling if I said no. Then once I learned about how he'd inflict self pain, I didn't want to break up with him for fear of him really hurting himself. It was a very awkward, and intense relationship. After dating only a week he told me that he loved me, and then at 2 weeks he told me that if I ever left him he'd kill himself. Wow. that makes it hard. I broke up with him finally after he had hurt himself and ended up in a mental hospital where he had called me. I figured at least there he was safe. I'm happy to say that the relationship in the movie wasn't like that, but it did remind me of that relationship I had. Relationships are hard and tricky, but you have to do what's best for you.

Charlie makes a great friend in Patrick, who is outwardly gay, but in a closed closet relationship. Patrick's boyfriend will not come out of the closet because he says his father will beat him, and when his father catches the two of them together he does. It comes out that the father started beating his son in front of Patrick. He didn't do anything to stop it and left. I feel really bad for both boys. I can't relate to them for lack of expierence here. I was only beat a few times, never in front of non family and never had to cover bruises. I feel for those who are gay and afraid of coming out. I wish people would stop judging and putting religion into it, they can believe whatever they want but 2 people who are of the same sex and want to be together aren't hurting anyone so why make them feel bad? I know as a mother, I would not turn my back on either of my girls if they told me they had a girlfriend. I think as a parent it's your job to be supportive. The sad thing about this abuse is that neither boy told anyone else, and neither of them got help. I don't care if their reason was that it only happened once, there is NO reason to beat a child, teen, person, like that. The dad should have gone to jail.

Through Patrick, Charlie meets Sam. He falls for her right away. One night she opens up about her first kiss being with her father's boss, when she was 11. She talks about how she was, we'll use the term lose, her freshman year. This too I can sadly relate to. While my family doesn't know, or well, didn't, if they read this they will and hope they don't think poorly of me. After finally getting out of Jen and Jim's house and given freedom, I had my first love, I mentioned him before. He was great to me, but when we broke up I felt like nothing. I was living with great family, but I lost all self respect. I slept around a bit until I met the man who is my husband. When you've been put down for so long, forced to undress, and be touched, it takes away your self esteem.

All of this makes the movie so powerful, heavy, and intense. I'm so happy that this movie brings up so many issues that I've had, and brings to light the topics of different kinds of abuse and how it effects people. I wasn't expecting any of that from the previews. The writers did a great job in while bringing to light such painful realities, really telling a full story, and kept you watching. They didn't go into full, hard to watch scenes of abuse, which makes it a lot easier to watch, when they did show any it was in a very short clip. Mostly the abuse it talked about, just like in reality, when friends finally open up and share with each other.

Thank you again to the writers, producers, and cast in this movie for doing such a wonderful job, and for bringing to light some many important matters!

"Not asking for it!" ... No means NO!

I saw this image first on facebook and I had to share it, then find the STFU blog where it was published and check it out there, but I had to share it on here.


 Now the story behind this is that on the blog someone made a comment and I quote, "... its kind of like putting a meat suit on and telling a shark not to eat you"
I love how STFU replies to this guy (or I assume it's a guy) and I'm stealing their quote again "
"We (men) are not fucking sharks!
We are not rabid animals living off of pure instinct
We are capable of rational thinking and understanding. 
Just because someone is cooking food doesn’t mean you’re entitled to eat it. 
Just because a banker is counting money doesn’t mean you’re being given free money.
Just because a person is naked doesn’t mean you’re entitled to fuck them. 
You are not entitled to someone else’s body just because it’s exposed. 
What is so fucking difficult about this concept?"

This photo and story has been shared on facebook over 10,000 times!  I love that people are getting the word out there that no matter what a person looks like or what they are wearing that they aren't "asking for it."  It doesn't matter weather they are a hooker or a librarian if they say "no" it means NO.  I love how stfu worded their reply telling everyone that it's just like everything else in life, you're not entitled to it even if it's right in front of you.

I've always lived wearing what I want to wear, I love the human body and think it's beautiful so why not show it off?  I think it's completely natural to want to be naked and to be naked because that's how we were put on the Earth and how we're born.  We began to cover ourselves for protection against natural elements like the sun, bugs, the cold, not so that we're conseled from other people taking what they want from our bodies. 

I know people who think you should dress very modestly because if you don't then you're "asking for it" or as some others say your bringing out temtation in men.  I'm sorry but this is not true!  I know I've been there.  Yes when you have on less clothing it's easier for men to want you and find you attractive but a man should be able to controll his wants, and as stfu said "We are not rabid animals living off of pure instinct"  Yes when I wear less clothing I'm wearing it because I think my body looks great and that it's beautiful, the way God (or whoever/whatever you want to believe in) created me, and that it's fine for other people to look and like "the view" but it's not saying "I want to have sex with everyone" or giving anyone permission to touch me.  As for the part that dressing modestly will save you from rape, or others will be too tempted, like I said I've been there and it's not true.  In almost all cases rape, and sexual assault isn't about sex it's about power over another person.  I've lived in a house where I was forced to undress and be touched against my will until I was almost 17.  It didn't matter weather it was the dead of winter when I dressed warm or if it was summer and I had on a 2 piece bathing suit, it didn't stop him from touching me or having me undress.  I disagree with anyone who says that less clothing is more provoking...or that your asking for it.  No matter how much you cover up you can still be a victem.

No one "asks" for harm to come to them.  It doesn't matter how they are dressed.  I think that people should have self control!!  Men may find a woman attractive but it does not mean they have the right to touch them in any way. 

Thankful

Happy Thanksgiving!  Every year I like to count my blessings and make a list of all the things I have to be thankful for in my life.  I did share a lot off my list on my photography blog.  I wanted to write more about the things I'm thankful for here.

I remember as a child having to write a few things we were thankful for in school and how hard holidays can be when you've gone though something traumatic but counting all the good things in life helps realize that not all hope is gone; not all is bad.

So now what am I thankful for?

I'm so thankful for...

• My husband, who has always stood by my side.  He's been very supportive of all I've wanted to do.  He listened to me when I needed someone to talk to, he's been my shoulder when I needed one to cry on, and he's always been by my side whenever I needed to do anything like speaking at Take Back The Night.  He's shown me that there are men that I can trust, and that there are good guys out there, that they aren't all bad like some who have hurt me in my past.
• My daughter.  She's one of my biggest  blessings.  I never thought I'd have kids because I didn't want to bring a child into such a cruel world and chance them going through the abuse I did.  Thanks to my husband I changed my mind-and I couldn't be happier that I did!  She is sweet, innocent, full of evergy and she's my way to have the childhood I wish I had.
• My family and friends.  I am very lucky to have such a large support system.  While yes I've been hurt by some family and others turned their back on me when I came out about the abuse I had gone through, a large majority of my family believed me and helped me.  I'm so thankful for my friends and family who have helped me and always been there for me.  While it is hard to talk about the abuse to people, my friends have never looked at me differently like I use to get told they would.  Thanks to my friends and family they have showed me how to live life and have fun, I have many great memories to look back on now.
• V.I.P. and school counselors. Once I came forward about my abuse I had a lot of help from both my school counselors and V.I.P.  Even before I admitted that my "grandfather" was abusing me, my counselor got me help from VIP to deal with my abuse from my "father".  I'm also thankful that there are programs such as these (and more) to help other victims get the help they need.
• Horses.  While I have talked to counselors and they have helped there's nothing like the calming effect of being around horses.  I'm so thankful I've had horses in my life-when thing are feeling overwhelming I know I can always brush, ride or just be around the horses at the barn and get my calm back. 
•  
• A roof over my head, power, and having food to eat each day.  I know there are many people in the world that don't have those simple things in life.
•  Getting over my fears.  This year with help of my daughter and friends I got over my fear of snakes.  I never thought that would happen.  I also never thought I'd find myself married and with children, but thanks to my husband I let go of the fears that were holding me back there.  
• And this year we got a nice surprise that we're expecting a second baby! I loved being pregnant with my daughter and am very excited and thankful that I'm going to experience pregnancy again :)

Well I hope that you all find that you have many things to be thankful for this year as well, and that you all have a very happy Thanksgiving.

A time to heal

The big thing all over the local news has been the Sandusky trial.  Last night on the news they talked about the victims moving on and how the first victim is a hero and you know I'm so happy that this story has been all over the news, because it raises awareness and all the victims that came out are heroes especially the first one because it's hard to admit what you went through.
The whole story makes me think about my abuse for years because like Sandusky my "grandfather" was well respected and a man in power in the area.  That side of my family owned and still owns many school buses.  It was terrifying for me to come out and tell my counselor what I had gone through, then to have to go and tell the state police, it was hard and scary.  What made it worst was that I had gone through all of that as a child with my own biological father, who was a school bus driver, and owned many school buses.  He was found guilty and served only 5years in jail.  There was no news about this, everything was kept hush-hush, and I was told never to talk about it.  For many years I never spoke about it.  And very few people knew, I didn't even know who knew and who didn't, and life went on.  I grew up and my well respected, school bus driver, grandfather started the abuse, touching me, making me undress, and NO ONE knew.  I didn't dare speak of it.  What good would it do anyway?  Rick didn't face any real concenqueses...5years in jail, probation, and it's on his record, but that's it.  He didn't have to register where he lives, and he's still around school buses. 


I am so proud of all the victims that came out against Sandusky and shared their story of what happened.  I know how hard that is!  All of you were an example of what people should do when they know about any type of abuse going on.  There are many people out there who never step forward and tell what happened to them or never get help for abuse they are going through, everyone who out and spoke about what Sandusky did to them really I believe encouraged all those people to find their voice and to have the courage to stand up to their abusers. 


I want to thank all the victims who came out and spoke about stood up to Sandusky.  I also want to tell you all that the pain and suffering you're going though will lessen, and things will get better.  Don't be afraid of getting help or finding one person you can talk to.  Do what you need to to heal, and trust that not all people are bad.  


I wish I had had the strength to stand up to my grandfather sooner, but I know that even now I wouldn't have been able to, his power and strength scared me.  He has since passed on and I think that there is a God or some higher power that will punish him, at least I hope so!  

You can never completely forget

Anyone who's been abused will never forget what happened to them.  They try but it will always be a permanent stamp on their memory.  Trust me I know this.

I thought that as you got older and everything wasn't so fresh in your mind the memories would fade; but they don't.  I have blank spots in my memory but the sad thing is some of what happened to me is burned into my mind and I can still remember everything happening clearly, sometime I try to change the outcome but it's like watching a movie in your mind and nothing changes :(  You can't change the past; I know that.  I know that thinking about the past doesn't help me to move forward, but there will always be something that triggers a bad memory.  Sometimes it's something that happens in a movie, on TV, or the news, sometimes it's a simple question that's asked, sometimes it's something that you learned and then you wonder if things would have been different had you known then.

I don't know how to handle these triggers.  They still affect me.  For as strong as some people tell me I am, when a flash back is triggered I don't feel strong at all; instead I'm left feeling weak, along, vulnerable, and ashamed.  Then for a while after I'm depressed.

I have a lot of experience in overcoming that depression.  It's hard.  Sometimes it takes time to overcome, but it's so important to get your happiness, strength, and confidence back.  Even more importantly you need to know that it's not your fault.

If you have a support system use them!  If you don't, then that makes it really hard and I'm sorry about that, you'll have to find a way to overcome that depression on your own, and that makes you really strong!

My tips on overcoming that depression

**go outside, get fresh air, and lots of sunshine**

-go hiking, horse back riding, or whatever outdoor activity you enjoy

-or just sit outside and read, paint your nails, or watch the clouds

**take vitamins**

-Vitamin D "the sunshine vitamin" 

Most people don't have enough vitamin D in their diet (especially us northern states) so this is a must!

-Multivitamin

Your mood will go up when you feel better.

-Probiotic

Yes, Probiotics are for healthy digestion, and they help boost your immune system!  Even better (I just learned over the weekend from Chiropractor of the year(both in the US and internationally) Carol Ann Malizia) That probiotics help not only your body, but also the mind and mood of a person!  That was awesome to me, but I wanted proof of that so I searched and found Probiotics could be good for your mood.

-Stress Relief Complex

We all know that when you're depressed that your stress levels go way up (at least they do for me) lower them naturally.

~you will notice that all the supplements I listed come from Shaklee, that's because of the science, quality, and PROVEN effectiveness of all their products.  Shaklee is the number one natural nutrition company in the US (Google it if you want to) and is the ONLY company I trust with my health and the health and safety of my family!~

**it's not always sunny and nice outside**

-do one of your indoor hobbies

-write

-vent to someone who understands

-call a hotline if you have no one to talk to

-dive into your work

I'll leave you with these images I've shared on facebook:

I'm a horse person.

I think horses are the best therapy a person can buy.  They really are strong, beautiful, powerful, free animals, and when we're around them the give some of that to us.  They also listen without passing any judgment.

When you're not a athletic runner like me they give you the strongest legs so that you can run and make you feel like you're flying and will help you in letting go of all your worries.

Last Night at TBTN

Last night I spoke at Take Back The Night and so did a few others.  I looked at the other victims who spoke or people who knew victims who got up and spoke and couldn't help but to think about how strong they were. It's not easy getting up in front of people and sharing what you or someone you knew went through with sexual violence.  There were a couple people there who looked like they could only be in high school still, I remember what that was like being in high school and going through something similar; I feel for them so much, but they are going to be strong, and they will overcome their past.  Their on the right path to do so by coming out and sharing and raising awareness.  My thoughts are with them and I hope they know that things will get better for them.
Last night's theme was "It's Time To Talk About It".
I know no one wants to talk about it, no one wants to think about it.  I also know no one wants to go through it, and no one wants to admit to having gone through it.  It's hard to face this thing that no one talks about, but we need to, we can't just burr our heads and think that by doing so it won't happen, that by not talking about it that it never did happen; because it does happen!  There are some facts you should know.  Like 1 out of 4 women and 1 out of 6 men will be sexually assaulted at some point in their lives.  And fewer than 20% of sexually violent crimes are reported?  Why do you think that is?? BECAUSE WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IT! People feel ashamed what what happened to them.  They feel like they can't talk about it.  You know I may only be 24 and just one girl but I hope I change this!
I was told from a very young age to not speak of what happened to me.  Go figure my "father's" parents didn't want their name tarnished.  They were big and important.  Some people still respect them...a lot of people do.  So I was told that it would make ME look bad and people would think less of ME if I spoke of what my "father" did...then my grandpa started and I was told no one would believe me if I spoke of it...besides I couldn't send him to jail he was too old.  So for YEARS I kept my mouth shut...never spoke about it.  Then one day at a party another girl and I bonded and we were talking about our past, she told me how she was hurt and I told her how I went through it too.  I was in 7th grade at this point (first time I told anyone after that long night when I first told my GG) well I guess she told her mom and her mom must have told my grandparents because that a couple nights latter I was YELLED at for telling someone what happened to me.  I asked why would I do that?  The kids in school will always pick on me now because of that.
I was never picked on for what I went through.  I learned when I was 16 or so that it's good to talk about it, but it's hard.  Now I'll tell anyone what happened to me...although I don't like to go into detail because it's hard to say it out loud.
It is time to talk about it....it's time to let victims know that it's OK to talk about....that they won't be picked on, they won't look bad, they are extremely strong for surviving and even stronger for talking.

I realized something else last night...
Last night was the first TBTN that my daughter went to. She's 3.  And as I read my speech and came home after and wrote her a letter (I write her letters once in a while like a book she'll have to read when she's older) I realized that I was her age when my father was molesting me.  OMG.  I cried, and I'm still getting sick about that thought...I don't understand how he could have done that to someone so small and innocent and to his own daughter....
My daughter is my world.  And I'll protect her as much as I can from evil...with everything I have.
Next year she'll be 4 and right around then is when I told someone what happened to me...not even knowing it was bad until I had to keep telling other people....
We have to find ways to tell our kids when they are still babies what good touch, bad touch is.  You know how hard that is??  I'm a survivor of child molestation and I still haven't really found a way to talk to my daughter about right and wrong touches.
I guess I haven't really taught her about it because I only leave her with people I trust my heart, soul, and daughter with...I have good instincts about people and she is only left alone with people I know and trust.  Which is hard because you have limited trust after a family member does something like that.  I'd never forgive myself if something was to happen to her.

So last night's theme really was a great one IT IS TIME TO TALK ABOUT IT! It's time to share our stories, it's time to raise awareness, it's time to teach our kids, it's time to teach everyone about the truth behind this unspoken of problem, that this is real!  And it happens to people of all walks of life!

Speaking tomorrow at Take Back The Night

Tomorrow night is Take Back The Night by me; TBTN is a rally against sexual violence, and it happens all over the country through out the month of April.  I've gone to 2 others before and they are powerful gatherings and very heavy and emotional.  Sexual assault and abuse is something very hard to go through and it hurts, you can fell the pain in the atmosphere at these rallies.  It's also a time to bring about awareness and give hope and share personal stories.  
I was asked to speak at our TBTN rally tomorrow by my counselor who helped me through high school with what I went through.  Of course I didn't really have to think about it, I think raising awareness is important and sharing my story is part of that.  


I want to share my speech for tomorrow on here with everyone so that all of you can be apart of tomorrow as well even if you're not there.  I've revised some of it for the web instead of speaking to a crowd.

Hey everyone, thanks for coming out and showing your support for victims and rallying together to raise awareness and help end sexual assault and abuse.

I was introduced to Victims Intervention Program about 8 years ago and they’ve really help me start to face my past and even what I was still going through when I started talking to them.  I’ve stayed in touch with the people who helped me and were by my side for 3 years, they’re great friends to have and wonderful people.  They made a big difference in my life and I know I’m just one of many.  Let’s give them a big hand to say Thank You for all they’ve done and all they do.  (Please if you know of a VIP near you or see that they are doing a fundraiser please help them out, it's a good cause.  Also if you are a victim then think about volunteering and helping others who are going through similar situations)

I was molested by my biological father at a young age, when it started I don’t know, it stopped when I told my family at the age of 4 or 5.  Then his parents took me in and the abuse started again, my grandmother blamed me for her son going to jail and I was the one who caused everything, then her husband who taught me how to shave and talked to me and stood up for me turned into the one who started to touch me inapropratly, then had me show him my chest so he could measure the growth of my boobs, that excelled into having to ride in the car without pants or showing him my boobs, and if I said no it was a big deal and no wasn’t something you told him ever.  Finally with the help of VIP and others I moved out and pressed charges.

I carried a lot of what I was told and what happened to me around for those 17 years and it wasn’t until after that I realized a lot of what I was told wasn’t true, and that I could change who I was into who ever I wanted to be.  A couple weeks ago I went to see, former rocket scientist and now great motivational speak, Rick Seymour speak.  He talked about self image, how our brains work and how to get the things you want in life.  A lot of what he said hit home to me.  He talked about how we get our self image from emotional and repitious events, and then he told us to dream and those dreams will make a difference in our lives and that we can make dreams a reality.

I had a very low self image.  I was always treated like Cinderella, I wasn’t allowed to talk unless spoken to, had to do all the farm chores while my brother watched, and I couldn’t ever do anything right.  I was told I was fat and stupid and that I’d never amount to anything.  I believed them.  I found it hard to make friends, and I always wanted to lose weight, but I also wanted to prove them wrong, but there was a voice in my head that kept arguing how I couldn’t do things I wanted.  I met my husband and through his upliving words my self image started to change.  Then a I started my own photography business and really felt like I was proving them wrong, but after a 2 years of it not taking off like I thought it would I once again heard the voice saying “failure” then I was introduced to Shaklee, and really started to feel empowered.  After hearing Rick Seymour speak I know know with out a doubt that what I was told for years wasn’t true, and that I am a successful business owner, I’m a surviver, I’m smart, pretty, and I can do all the things in life I want to.  I tell myself that every day because we need to reinforce the positives in our life.  

Then we were asked to dream.  I had my dreams stolen from me at a very young age.  I never dreamed of what my future would look like, I just let things happen and hoped for the best.  Who was I to dream of cars, money, vacations??  I should be happy with what I have.  That’s what I was taught and what I was told.  No one ever told me to dream, no one said you can do anything you want, it will take work but you can do it.  I learned how to dream that day.  I learned a lot that day.

I use to spend a lot of time looking back at the past and trying to figure out how my life would be different had I gotten help sooner, or what I could have done differently.  I found that that made me depressed and didn’t help me move forward in life.  I want everyone here to know that you are wonderful, beautiful, strong, and you should dream, and use those dreams to move you forward.  I think that because of the abuse and hardships we’ve had it takes a toll on us to the point that we don’t know about the good things in us.  I know that was true for me.  Shame on your friends and family if they don’t tell you everyday that you should do what makes you happy because you deserve to be happy.  After what we’ve gone through we should be able to live the life we want, and you can.  If any of you need someone to help you find your dreams or you need someone there to show you how great and strong you are come over to me and I’ll be happy to talk to you one on one and so will VIP.

I found a quote that I loved and I think it’s very fitting for tonight

I love that quote so much it’s the background on my computer and it drives me.  I struggled with why did this happen to me and I use to dwell on my past, the hurt and worry will always be there but the more you can forget about those people who didn’t treat you right and focus on the ones that do, the happier you’ll be.  Don’t ever forget what happened to you, don’t try to, use that and share it with everyone so that they know this is real and a problem.  And I couldn’t figure out why me, why did it happen, why is there abuse of all kinds in this world.  I don’t have an answer.  All I know is my past hurt me but because I worked through it I’m stronger and now know that I went through all that so I could tell my story, raise awareness and help other women with their past and help them find their inner strength to do the same.  I want to inspire everyone to dream, to stand up against their past, to stand up and make sure everyone knows that NO MEANS NO.

Welcome

Welcome to my newest blog.  If you've read my blog Open Eyes then you know why I've started this blog.

I am 24 years old, a wife, a mother, a volunteer, a photographer, and a health and wellness educator!  I was a victim.


April is sexual assault awareness month and the perfect time to start sharing my past with everyone.

This blog will be all about my past.  I had once thought about writing a book about the abuse I went through (even tried to write some of it down) but found that it was really hard to do.  I have some black walls in my memory from my childhood that makes trying to remember or retell the whole story hard.

I hope to give other victims hope, and inspiration, and someone to relate to.  I also want to raise awareness with this blog.  I've been around a lot of people who have made jokes about sexual assault and they didn't even know how much it bothered me and how I wanted to scream "it's not funny! I'm that person that you're cracking a joke at." But I never did because I felt so below everyone else that it didn't matter.  No one should feel that way, and by sharing my story I hope that it makes other people aware of how real sexual abuse is and that you don't always know what the people around you have gone through or are going through.