Bad Days and taking the Power Back

We all have our bad days.  We have days when nothing seems to be going right, we have days where we are just depressed, and then sometimes we have a great start to our day and something happens and it ruins our mood.

Today, was one of the those days, a day I've been looking forward to and super excited about, had a great morning, and then someone said something and it got in my head and ruined that good mood I had.  Since then I allowed myself a breakdown and have been working on building up and getting my power back.

Let me share with you the whole story:

I jumped out of bed this morning, I've been busy all month long but I was looking forward to today!  My oldest went off to school while my little one and I got loaded up and went to the library, we met an author and had some really good conversations.
On my way home, I stopped to get gas and was approached by someone I had recently met while with my husband.  He came up to me with a wave and asked me what my first name was again. So I told him my first name, maybe people don't remember it or have a hard time processing that that's a real name.  Anyway he goes on and says "I thought I knew you from somewhere else did you grow up in Greentown?"
Close enough, my high school covered a large area so yeah I knew people from there even tho I lived about 40 minutes or so from there.  "Hawley area." I responded
"Oh your dad is Big Rick then?"
As you know from my post Names that his name is Rick so I responded with, "Yeah, I guess."
"He's a big guy." he goes on to puff out his arms to show large.
"I don't really know, he went to jail and I don't know him." I said.  I figured that was the easiest way out of this conversation I didn't want to be in any longer.  I don't know why I didn't just say "He's a convicted child molester so since he abused me I don't know him and don't want to associate with anyone who does.  Maybe it's because I was uncomfortable, I didn't know this person, and for all I know he could be thinking of someone else.
"Oh well my wife was so-and-so, You had a sister right?"
"I'm sorry I don't know, and I don't think so, but I gotta get going."

I drove off shaken.  It was such a odd conversation and make me feel so weird.  I continued on in a foggy mind of my own and then went home where I made lunch and finally confronted my issues and cried.  Now I'm writing my issues out...

I hate that I let that conversion affect me.  I hate that thinking about my abuse and abuser still sends fear, and a feeling of powerlessness over me.  What bothered me the most, I realized is that Rick is out there and doesn't have to be labeled, people can meet him and not know what is he or what he's done, that for all I know hell I could have a sister.  I sure as hell hope that's not the case, and I doubt it is, but that thought scares me.

I was mad that someone could talk about Rick (my abuser) like he was a normal person.  I feel that way a lot.  I've had people mention Jen and Jim to me before.  These people don't really know me and I always feel awkward.   I've even once had someone ask me how they were.
 I think that this feeling of anger and awkwardness at the mention of our abusers and hearing people talk about them as people is something that is common to us survivors.  We don't view them as people anymore.  Myself I wish they were gone, or that people saw them through my eyes.  I have mentioned before that I wish all pedophiles and rapist had to wear a label so they were dehumanized.  This might seem wrong, but in our shoes these people have failed at being a person.  They have failed those who had laid trust in their hands, they have failed at treating others as people.  We had become objects to them, objects they used and abused.  They made us feel like we were less than others therefore we (I) want them to feel that way and be viewed as such.  The problem with this is that as awful as their actions are/were they are still people, they are someone's brother (or sister- I think we forget that women can be abusers) they are were someone's friend, spouse, member of the church, they were/are someone who was/is known in the community, they are/were someone's son/daughter.

To show this I will use my own story, one that was told to me....
My Uncle and I had a couple heart to heat moments when he lived across the street from me when I lived with Jen and Jim.  I loved him, for all his flaws and troubles he had, I loved him.  I loved him because he didn't hold back from me when we were hanging out, he talked to me not as a child to be sheltered but as a person.  He is the one that told me when Rick was back around our farm, and told me that that was why sometimes Jen would do the chores for me.  He had my respect for having told me this info that I wasn't to know.  He made me aware of a situation, I kept my eyes open, I had trouble sleeping at night, but I knew.  Anyway back to his story...
He told me of the night he learned about what had happened to me.  "Rick told me that you had been touched and there was an investigation.  I grabbed my gun and said 'Let's go kill this guy' and started to head out for the truck, when Rick stopped him and said "That guy is me."  Rick was his brother.  He said he and thought about shooting him, even started to raise the gun.  But he couldn't.  He told me it messed with his head.  He dropped out (or failed) college and got even heaver into drugs then he had been. 

Rick had been a brother, a son, a business partner, and known in the community.  I've shared before how Jen blamed and viewed me as the person who's fault it was that her son went to jail.

Anyway back to my story today....With all these thoughts in my mind I was a bit of a mess.  Then I thought to a workshop I'd recently went to that was Taking Back Your Power, this workshop was not at all dealing with sexual abuse or anything of the sort.  It was breathing and taking back your classroom of those students who have negative behavior and changing to positive.  During this workshop the instructor told us how our past experiences reflect onto words others say so we make those words have different meanings than they have.  His theory is "No one can make you upset; you choice to be upset."  I did not like this theory.  As much as I didn't like this theory I kept thinking about it today... I let this ONE thing effect my whole day.  I was in a GREAT mood before, then from that one conversation my mind went to the negative and settled there.  I LET my mood and day be altered.  So I started to re think the conversation, that guy I don't know, probably doesn't know me.  Rick is a common name, he could have been thinking of someone totally different.  Because of my bad experience I related my experience to the words he was saying and they very well could have had not a damn thing to do with me.  Also I had just stepped back into victim, I felt powerless.  I am not powerless, I am in charge of my life, and I take my power back every time I speak out against abuse, each time I tell someone you are not alone, and I take a hell of a lot of power back when I speak and share my story.  They can't keep you down when you don't keep quiet.  I could have switched that whole conversation around by saying "Richard Davis?  He is a convicted child molester, and of no relation to me, (say that because I don't want to be related, we can't chose biology but we can chose who we claim) and if you are friends with him you can get the hell away from me because someone who takes advantage of children is no longer a person in my eyes."  Had I approached the question from that direction it would have cleared up exactly who he was talking about and given me all the power making known what Rick did and the type of "person" he is.

So I started to think about that...then from the same instructor I did some breathing and decided that nothing about me changed today...I was doing great, so now I needed to work through this and move on.  I thought it over, I could have said "no" when I was asked about "my dad" because I don't have one, Rick is dead to me, while he isn't in reality I have moved on and I have a good life. 

So for anyone who is having a bad day allow yourself to have a break down, we all need to yell, vent, and cry at times.  We also need to laugh, smile, and enjoy life.  So we need to go from break down to moving forward...
1. acknowledge how you are feeling, and why
2. let it out (yell, cry, vent, write, whatever it is that is going to get it all out of you)
3. breath (I will post some links at the bottom if you're interested in focused breathing)
4. acknowledge the positive in your life (make a list if you want)
5. go do something that will make you feel more like you and start feeling better
6. one foot in front of the other, from doing that one thing in step 5, do another or something that is on your to-do list

I wish you all healing.

Some links you might find of interest:
The instructor that I mentioned above, he did 2 amazing workshops which I learned a ton from, about breathing, movement, and he has a Breaking the Bullying Circle which is important, for more info about him and his programs visit: www.ronspeak.com

Take deep belly breathing breaths with this video to help calm and center yourself

Journal page to help you recognize the good stuff

Clothing does not equal Consent

I know I already posted a blog on how no matter what a person is wearing No means No, but I have more to add to this thought.

I cam across a photo on Facebook that really stood out to me and inspired me to share more about clothing (and maybe a future post about men's self control and the difference between a man and a rapist)

My school had this dress code, and I had to dress “modestly” at Jen and Jim's, while with my mother I had freedom to experiment with my expression of clothing.

Jim taught me that skirts meant easy access. I didn't wear dresses often for that reason while living there. But I also learned that it didn't matter what I wore (I shared that in the other post).

I rebelled against dress codes and the whole modesty bull crap – because it didn't prevent anything!

A typical weekend with my mom and how I dressed

When visiting with my mom I'd wear thin strapped tanks, belly shirts, platform shoes, and halter tops; then I'd head outside to play with the neighbor boys. We'd play football well after dark, climbed trees, and never did they try anything.

I met my husband wearing a mini skirt and tank top that most likely revealed some of my belly. That night we were at a bar dancing all night long – he was of age and had a couple beers. I kissed him on the dance floor. He drove me home, and didn't try to go anywhere, the only thing he asked me for was to go out on a date the following night.

When I met his family after a couple dates I learned that they had a dress code and once I was coming around the house often I was asked to follow it because I'd give the males in the house impure thoughts. Pants were too provocative and shape revealing. Girls/Women were to wear long skirts and T-shirts. (Keep in mind at the time it was the heat of summer and I was in short shorts and a tank)

My mind was blown! Skirts aren't SAFE!

I have trouble when it comes to someone telling me how to dress. I like to feel sexy. I like to dress sexy. I'm not dressing this way because I want to have sex (or well sometimes I am but with who I want to not just anyone) I'm dressed this way because I'm expressing my taste in clothing and showing off the body I'm proud to have.

Here are photos of me and how I've dressed...I feel very sexy and proud of my body

2007 on my Honeymoon 

2010 at a fair, my daughter in the pic is a little over a year old

2014 Halloween at a bar. Proud of my body after 2 kids!

There are some that may say that it's inappropriate to dress in such ways...I'd like to say this: appropriate clothing is defined differently by everyone. My above examples explain that, one person thinks that pants are to revealing while Jim proved how quick a hand can go up or down a skirt and into baggy jeans. You dress for the occasion. I would not wear a bikini to my child's school play (where's the water?) 

I shared the “dress code” image on my Facebook wall and a friend of mine made the comment, “...The stupid statement that "boys will be boys" is just another way of saying that males are incapable of self control and common decency. If I were a male, I'd object fervently to that insult. "

Well said!  If I were a man and heard someone say "boys will be boys" and that's why women need to cover up I'd say something like "No, I am a man and have control over my dick!"

I found another blog that dives into the topic of clothing “causing” men to rape women and how wrong society is for blaming the victim because of this whole concept of modesty. Check out her post: How the Modesty Doctrine Fuels RapeCulture.

I have to veer into the “concept of modesty”... We are born without clothing – this is our natural state! A toddler fights you on being covered and prefers to streak across the house (and pee on the floor) this is the state that we are meant to be. I think that reverting back to our nudest tendencies once in a while (or often) is healthy. I didn't use to be this way, I use to be very self conscious about being nude (that could be in large part to Jim making me strip and sit naked for him to view and judge me) My view of myself and finally being able to be naked comfortably came once I had my own apartment. I finally found comfort in my own skin and started to have a healthy body image of myself. Your naked body is nothing to be ashamed of – but rather embraced because it is yours! Once we can be comfortable and happy with our bodies we won't be uncomfortable with others or care much about clothing.

What if nudity was the everyday norm? Then clothing wouldn't be some poor excuse people say.

Back to the blog I found (How theModest Doctrine Fuels Rape Culture) I think everything she said was right. We can not keep going the way we are. I say NoMore “causes” Stop victim blaming, and open your eyes people. The only one responsible for rape and assault is the assailant.

In reading some of the comments left on the blog one stuck out to me because he said almost exactly what I said earlier about being in control over his own dick, but he says it a bit better worded than I could so I'll share it with you:

About 15 years ago I received some VERY important advice. At any time and under any circumstance, the only one responsible for a man's erection IS THAT MAN. A woman, girl friend - wife - 1 night stand - MAY CHOOSE to participate, but IS NOT RESPONSIBLE for doing anything about the man's erection. Since receiving that bon mot I have learned that may react to sensuality/sexuality of women around me but I do NOT have to do anything about it. Even if I do get an erection, it will go down on its own after a bit.

I think it is past time that societies stop allowing men to remain emotional teenagers.

What did you think? I'd be very interested in seeing what other guys have to say about this. As I mentioned at the intro to this post – I think I might write a future post on guys responses to the way women dress and self control. Do you want to share? Inbox me mystory2share2@gmail.com

I found this image (below) on Instagram and love it!! It really sums up how I feel on the whole “the way she was dressed” matter.

Because I wanted to farther make my point clear that clothing does not make a difference I did a Google search for “What I was wearing when I was sexually assaulted.” I believe that these stories really show that rape can happen to anyone no matter age, race, or whatever the fuck they are wearing!

Follow the links, check out the images and you tell me – Can we finally all stand together and support survivors, put an end to blaming the victim and take the shitty effed up phrase “she was asking for it” out???

*** Sexual Violence Myths: Provocative clothing is a risk factor.  Thank you!!  Rape and sexual violence is about power and control over another person.

***BuzzFeed: Sexual Assault Survivors Answer the Question "What were you wearing" on Twitter

***WhatIWasWearingWhenIwasRaped on Tumblr

 Images off Google search:

This is the image from my other post so strong it is on my pages again.

so well said!  There is a blog that goes with this post. Link below

 ***Normalizing the Acceptance of Rape.  Is this what society is doing?  Sounds like it. And that really makes me worry about my girls growing up in this world!

Here's some of my own images...I don't know what age or when or what I was wearing when Rick started touching me, and making me touch him. I've gone back through my old photos and I know thanks to a 2 year break in photos and from a published news article that I was 6years old when I told my Great Grandma. Look at these photos from my yearly childhood....was there anyway I was asking for it?? How could someone do that to a child? I don't care if I was 100% naked, a child is innocent...until that's taken away!

Then there's my older years....trying to go back in my mind, I don't know at what age Jim started the abuse, I know for sure it was when I went into puberty and he started measuring my boobs, but how did that happen? I don't remember. But from then on it was common place for anytime he was alone with me that I had to show him how I was changing, let him touch, measure, then “teach” me things. It didn't matter the season, or how I was dressed, it happened all the time. There wasn't just one outfit, it was in anything I wore.   

These were my school photos...

Have I made my point?  Clothing changes nothing.  I really hope people wake up and start to realize this!!

And just to make this even clearer... Men get raped.  They can be raped by women and they can by other men.  Sadly they have even a harder time talking about what happened to them.  Let me ask you a question, when a man is raped is it questioned what he was wearing?  Does a woman say he was asking for it by not wearing his shirt?  Or when one man rapes another man is it "I just couldn't contain myself, it gave me impure thoughts to see him everyday in the locker room and once I saw him nude I knew he was asking for it?" 

Really, do you see now?  Rape is about power, and control over another person.  It doesn't matter where they are or what they are wearing.

Help me spread this message, that no one wants to be raped! Clothing does not equal consent.  No means No no matter what! 

Take Back The Night 2015 (what I said)

My first experience with Take Back The Night was in 2005 and I've been writing for and speaking at this TBTN ever since.  You might wonder why I've done this for 10 years and why I share my story online - That's easy for me to answer...because I felt so alone in my struggle with what happened to me until hearing others share, I know what it's like to be inspired by the men and women who get up in front of this mic and speak that helped me and I truly believe that by speaking out and sharing our stories we are raising awareness and can combat abuse.

I've had some people say I make speaking in front of this room seem easy.  I don't know about that; I'm not a professional speaker, the only time I get up in front of a group to speak is here.  But I've also had a lot of practice and that dreaded speech class in middle school.  A lot of people say they don't think they could get up and share - I understand that, public speaking is the number one fear of people, but I have to ask.... after what we've each gone through or seen someone go through, is public speaking really your biggest fear?  I can get up here and share because while I get nervous (my hands were cold and sweaty and I had to remind myself to just breathe) I know that public speaking is NOT my fear.   

My biggest fear is my children going through the abuse I faced - and all the terrible things I was lucky to not have had happen to me.  As a parent your main concern is the safety of your babies.  You'd do anything to protect them, shelter them from the world and do your best to keep them from knowing the pain and fear of abuse.  We can't protect them from everything, they are bound to fall and scrape their knees, fall off a horse, and get their hearts broken at some point.  That's life.  But I hope to be able to protect them from all the pains that have been shared, by talking about their day and teaching them the no-touch zone, watching for warning signs of grooming... (please read Post: A book that is a MUST for EVERY parent)     But I'm not with them every minute of every day, and as they get older there's even more to fear.  How can I protect them completely?  I wish I knew.  The best I can do right now is to share my story, so that it raises awareness and with awareness come an end to all forms of abuse.

So my story....

My name is Fawn.  I'm 27, and a survivor of childhood molestation, but I'm not going to tell you about that (if you really want to know you can read through all my past blogs on here as my story is spread out throughout it all, on the post names you learn the names of my abusers)   Instead I'm going to tell how I got help.

When I was about 6 years old I spent the night at my Great Grandma's like I use to a lot.  I told her after my bath something like 'it's OK if I'm red down there because,' like only a child could say "Daddy put his thingie in my thing"  I don't have many memories from my young years - more like short flips from a movie that have stuck or pop up from time to time, that that night, that changed everything I knew, that night has always stayed with me.  Me standing at the end of her hallway in her living-room telling her that, not understanding that it was wrong. I knew I was told not to tell anyone but I was so young I didn't understand.  The next thing I knew I was telling a bunch of the family members and learned a few new terms, his thingie was called a penis.  I remember being confused as to why everyone was making a big deal about this, and I was liking the attention(I was 6 and everyone was listening to me and giving me hugs) but I was also embarrassed to keep repeating what I already said.  After that I don't remember what happened or where I lived or much of anything.  I have a huge blank space.  I know at some point I was in foster care, I remember some of that, then around Easter time, I believe, I was "adopted" by my abusers parents - my grandparents.  As a teen I know it made me so angry that some judge granted custody to the 2 people who raised a child molester.

Life went on.

I never told anyone when my grandfather started "measuring" my boob growth - never mentioned anything he did to anyone.  I was embarrassed - really to have such things happened twice - I felt alone too.  No one talked about such things happening to them.  Something was wrong with me. As I grew older I was also afraid, I was told I could never tell anyone - no one would believe me.  I kept my mouth shut.

Most of my teenage years I went on like this; even when I was trying to move out I never spoke of what was actually happening inside the house.  I was embarrassed and ashamed and he was right, he had money, power, and I had no proof - Who would believe me?

It wasn't until I was 17 and out of that situation that I had a flashback and broke down and told my boyfriend at the time what had happened.  He told me I had to talk to my counselor about it.  It took me a long time to admit even to myself that what happened was abuse.   I was so embarrassed that it had happened to me again, I hated to tell anyone.  Then there had to be a case, and I had to answer questions and talk about what he did to me - it felt like an invasion of privacy - I was exposed.  I didn't want anyone to know - that was a secrete I was going to hide! but I couldn't and as hard as it was to talk about it and get help at least now I'm not the only person to know the type of person he was.  I can talk about the pain when I feel it.  It's no longer something dark inside me, now it's something that I've gone through.  I don't know if I'd say I'm stronger for it but because of my abuse it's why I want to fight against it and because I survived I know that I can face a lot and make it through.

I'm no longer embarrassed.   No longer do I feel alone and different, because I know I'm not the only one to have gone through it.  No longer do I have to be quite. - "Don't tell anyone." - No longer ashamed.  No longer do I fear that I won't be believed, that no one is on my side.  It was super hard to talk about at first - but now it's freeing and empowering.

I'll leave with a few words of encouragement and advice for those of you who are going to speak tonight (or next year) for the first time,  and for those of you who have stories you haven't shared yet and don't know if you can...

1.) Talk! If you haven't opened up yet, just talk to your friends - you might be surprised at how many say "I went through something too."  Once I opened up my friends shared with me too.  The statistic is... 1 in 4...(women)....sadly I think the number is higher.

2.) If you haven't spoken at TBTN yet, and have something to share, think about next year.  Go home tonight and write about how you felt, if anyone inspired or comforted you.  Write your reasons for not sharing and the reasons you have to share.  Think about it.  Write what you want to say.  If next year comes and you can't get up here it's OK, talk to one of the lovely VIP people and they can read your story for you.  I've done it.

3.) If you are speaking tonight (or when you do speak tomorrow, next week, in a year, whenever)...  Take a deep breath, give yourself a pat on the back and know that you are strong!! and this is a very safe and non judgmental place to do public speaking.  It's OK to break down here and cry - we will cry with you - tears will be shed tonight - it's an emotional night.  Yell if you want - we understand your anger!  Don't worry about being perfect up here - no one is grading you and for that matter no one in life is perfect.  Just think of this room and everyone in it as a big support group - which in a way it is.  When you first look out at the crowd, don't see a room of strangers, see you family, friends, supporters.  See everyone as a fellow survivor and know you're in one of the safest places.

Lift your head high and take pride in knowing that you are taking a stand, you are acting against the abuse we've each faced.

Now is our time to act, to stand against abuse, to raise awareness and to end all abuse!  If you need more proof that NOW is our time go online and search:

NoMore.org

Take Back The Night   (#TakeBackTheNight and #TakeBackTheNight2015)

#YouAreNotAlone

#EndAbuse

(for more inspiration and to see the movement go check out my post Others who are speaking out)

There's a movement - it's been going on for a long while - and now is our time to be heard!!!!

Good luck to each of you!!

a photo of me with my NoMore sign.  Image credit: MichelleLee Photography

One small thing...to make a difference

I was thinking about my last post...Help Raise Awareness and I thought of one small thing everyone can do to make a difference, to raise awareness, to help someone.

Right now there is a child who is afraid to go home, of what awaits them there, will they be able to sleep tonight without being woken or touched?
There is a girl who is afraid of telling anyone that she was raped...
There is a boy who is struggling to get help because no one talks about how sexual assault can happen to boys as well....
Right now there is someone who is thinking about killing themselves because of what has happened to them
Right now someone is trying to drink away their pain, someone else is using a needle to try to escape reality
Right now there is so many suffering from past abuses, because it's hard to talk about, it's hard to admit what happened
Right now there are so many who are suffering abuse....

YOU can help them!
It's a small thing that I ask....but I think it can make a difference.

Change your profile photos and flood social medias with a post, image, quote saying "you are not alone"

You can take your own, use one of mine below, or search the web for something else...

I will take more and share them on here.  I will also be posting on Instagram and Tumblr.   

Let us see how many people we can reach!

One small change for the next 48 hours.... we can make a difference!!

Help Raise Awareness

April is almost over....April is Sexual assault awareness month and Child abuse awareness month

It makes since to me that they are both in April as they go hand in hand.  No all, but a lot of sexual abuse happens at such young ages.

It's sad and it's scary.

I saw this post above on Instagram....the numbers are sad.  Why are there so few arrests?  Every case should end in justice!

What have you done this month to raise awareness???

These numbers need to change!  We need to act!  Yes, it's not something we want to be reminded of, and it's not what we want to look at, but it's a horrible part of this world! and we need to do something to raise awareness and HELP!!

I speak at Take Back the Night on Wednesday....it will be my 10th year.  I will be posting my speech on here...This is what I do each April.  And year round I post my blog (not often enough but when I have something to share) and now I'm on Tumblr as well and I post (reblog) a lot on there... These are the things I do.  I also offer an ear and support to others.  If you need help, I'm not a councler but I'll listen.

I challenge each of you....find a way to act now!  Sexual abuse isn't something easily seen....it's not leaving a black eye, it makes it hard to "see"  which makes it hard to fight.... but we can!

Post info, be a friend, be a support, post inspiration,...I'm sure there's more things.  volunteer,... find your own way. but please do something to help with these numbers!!!

Fight for justice, we don't want child molesters anywhere near our kids

Support the victims and survivors (views on how society reacts)

I watch The View often and they've been talk a lot about "the Bill Cosby allegations" and how terrible it is for him to be accused of rape and how what if it's true and what if it's not.  I have to do a shout out to Rosie O - She's doing a great job talking and advocating for victims of sexual abuse - THANK YOU!!  She's handing out facts and I really want to applaud her for that.

I am really upset with the whole "I don't think he really did it," "The women are lieing," "I need proof,: and all that crap!  All those quotes and debate are hurtful, for me personally having been told (by Jim) that if I ever told anyone what he was doing that I wouldn't be believed
"who would believe a child with a past already over a respected community member with a good lawyer?" he would say.

I've had a few thoughts going on since they started talking about the "allegations" on TheView and now I'd like to share them with you...

1.) There is NOT always proof.  I wasn't raped - I was molested, touched, made to strip and sit naked for his view.  Yes, rape you can prove with a rape kit, but understand that not always do rape victims run right to get help - why? Because there's shame and guilt that society puts on them - fear and a multitude of other reasons.

2.) "Crying Wolf" - I don't see how any woman could lie about going through any sexual violence.  I know some have - I've heard of women lieing in custody battles and read Gone Girl where the female character framed an innocent man for rape (and more) but she was physco.  That all makes me so angry.  Every time someone cries wolf on something like that it hurts us all.  It sets what we are trying to do back so much because now that's what's in peoples minds how do we know she's telling the truth, there was that one woman who lied and they ruined an innocent man.  Don't LIE!  It really just end up hurting everyone else, we as women need to protect one another and crying wolf just places doubt in people's mind because with every time a woman lies about sexual violence towards her it makes them want more proof and as I just said, there is not always proof.

3.) Why is it that people assume that by telling your story that you are after your 15minutes of fame?? Really? Fame from rape (or whatever other abuse they've gone through)? No!  I believe the women telling their story about Bill Cosby are women just like me and they just want truth and they carried this around with them in shame and fear for years.
When I came out about Jim's abuse to me they asked if I wanted to sue or anything - No I didn't want his money nor do I want Rick's.  I knew when I moved out and spoke out about my abuse I'd lose my inheritance.  I gave up everything money wise to live a happy life where I wasn't the victim anymore.  Do you want to know what I "lost"? 1/4 million dollars inheritance, (Jim died about 2years after I moved out of the house), my own piece of land and house I was always told I'd inherit, a walk-in closet and my own bathroom in the house we were living in, college tuition (or so they always said they would pay at least)
Yeah I didn't get any of that - but I didn't (nor do I) want it! It was all tainted with dirty strings attached.  I gained so much more by moving out and even more with sharing my story.
Moving out I escaped the fear and dark depression I had.  I gained freedom and privacy.  I no longer had to worry about what I was going to deal with at home.  I gained safety, and LOVE.  Yeah I had to share a bedroom, no longer had a closet and had to share one bathroom with 5 other people, but I got the chance to be a kid (well teenager), have friends, sleepovers, and be happy.  and I stopped hurting.  I no longer wanted to cut or burn myself.
By sharing my story- it's a big release.  I had this ball of secretes, shame, fear of what people would think, all inside me and it tugged unknowingly at every part of me.  When I shared my story publicly it was like that ball loosened a bit and once I began to admit what I went through and talk more that ball kept unraveling and I gained confidence, I gained hope and strength and a dream or 2.  Enough about me....back to my thought about sexual abuse in the headlines....

4.) Why are the victims accused of being in the wrong here??  This one makes me mad.  I already wrote one blog about no matter what a person is wearing NO MEANS NO, so you know I'm not wasting my "breath" on repeating myself there answering the "well what was she wearing?" questions.  But it seems that there are so many other accusing questions and comments that come up
How'd you get yourself in this situation?
 She shouldn't have drunk so much! 
Were you leading him on?
Someone on the View on January 8th said something that struck out so good to me so I'm going to share...
If 26 people said they were mugged we wouldn't be asking if they were telling the truth or what they were wearing or how they let that happen to themselves, so why is it that that's what society does to sexual assault victims?
It's not right and this needs to change!
Before I move on to the next thing that has struck a cord I want to touch on the drinking and drugged part....
We can't shame women by blaming rape on them since they drank too much that night.  No.  Men and Women both drink to the point of black outs in movies, books, TV shows, and in real life.  I think it happens to everyone at least once.  I am NOT condoning excessive drinking - I'm just being honest.  I, personally, have been drunk, to the point of throwing up more times than I'd like to admit.  It took me a long time to learn my limit - and even after that there was a least one time that my drinks hit me harder than normal.
Just because a woman is under the influence of drugs or Alcohol  does not mean it's OK to take advantage of her - and she did not bring rape on herself by drinking.  Men need to be gentlemen and get her help.
If you have a drug or Alcohol  problem please seek help.

5.) "I can't believe he did it." Denial.
Just because someone is a son/husband/father/teacher/famous/wealthy or whatever word you want to insert here.  No matter what "he" is - does not mean that he didn't commit the crime he's accuse of.
Rick and Jim were both: fathers, sons, husbands, brothers, bus drivers, company owners, and well off.  Jim was also respected in the community and had political friends.  They both molested me.  5years of age or younger daughter to Rick, that didn't matter.  And Jim waited until I was older but I was his granddaughter.
I might have been their only victim....I don't know....but they still did it, it happened.

I did not watch the full interview with Katie Couric and Stephen Collins to hear all the details about what he did to young girls.  I liked watching 7th Heaven growing up - but just because he played a good father figure doesn't mean I don't believe what he said is true.Child molesters, rapest and those who fall anywhere in between are good actors - They know how to act "normal," they will fool everyone around them.  I know - I lived through it.  I've seen it! 
Bill Cosby was the "American Dad" - SO What?!?  That doesn't mean he didn't commit the crimes he's accused of.  not only that but that was a role he played.
I'm sorry to scare you - but the truth is, sadly, there are real monsters who live among us and you can't pick them out from the crowd unless you've been a victim at their hand.  You might think you know your boss, co-worker, neighbor, favorite actor, best friend, and even spouse - but do you really?  They can keep their secrets and fool everyone.

I hope that justice in some for comes about, I know there's statues of limitations but people have power and with the truth out there we can stand behind the victims and survivors and make a change!!

Links used in this blog for quick access:
The View
Rosie O against her Co Host on The View (advocating for and defending victims of abuse)
Gillian Flynn's website (author of the book Gone Girl which I mentioned)
Link to The Huffington Post with videos sharing the Women's stories
The full Episode of The View on January 8th on YouTube from which I got a lot of my inspiration behind this post
Katie Couric and Stephen Collins on Yahoo
Stephen Collins 20/20
7th Heaven on TV guide
CDC website with facts on sexual violence 

Take Back The Night 2014

April 30th was our local Take Back The Night, and as always it was emotional, informative and empowering.  The theme was Keep Calm and Talk About It which as you know is very important to me - not only for self healing but also to raise awareness.

This past year alone in one county, in PA, VIP has helped 88adult and 34children in cases of sexual assault!  The numbers are alarming - that was just ONE county in ONE state.

This year a specialist came in to talk to us about sex trafficking.  The numbers there also alarming and watching and learning how it's happening all over the country and even in small towns was scary.  I will be gathering more info and will post a future blog about it.

If you haven't yet gone to a Take Back The Night, I encourage you to find one near you (your local college or VIP should be able to have the information for you).

The survivors who spoke last night did a fantastic job!!  It's really neat to see how everyone heals and expresses themselves in their own way.  So powerful and strong they were!!  One sung a song, one wrote her story in a poem that tore at your heart, and one even made a video where she did make up and told her whole story of how she was raped at such a young age and how she overcame that.  Such strong women!!

Their stories and the event itself really makes me want to open my blog up to others to share so it would be like last year long.  But I will have to figure out how to do that... For now I'll leave you with my speech from last night, and a few images....

My turn to share

We live in a world where we don't want people to know our failures, our imperfections, or our discolored past.  When we talk about ourselves to other people or share things on social media we often portray our lives in the best light as we can.  I am very guilty of this.  Every year I write up a Christmas newsletter and tell our family and friends all that has happened in the past year trying to make things appear like we're doing fantastic, no matter what problems we're facing.

I try each year to get up and give an inspiring speech and try also to have an uplifting and inspiring blog...

I don't believe that people would be so inspired to know all the truth...that we struggle each month to make our bills, have been homeless, and that I often feel like a failure.  Well tonight, as I still hope to inspire and uplift, I'm going to tell you about my discolored past, my failures, and how imperfect I am. 

By the age of 25 you're suppose to have life figured out, aren't you??  Know who you are, what you want to do, and to be on your way to accomplishing something. Well that's not me.  In December I had a very hard time with this and struggled to find meaning in my life.

Last Spring, my family moved south to start a new and better life, so I thought, but all our plans failed and the week before Christmas my husband was laid off; for the New Year we were looking at being homeless.  This is not the was it's suppose to be once you have children. By now I should have graduated college, and bee well on my way to a successful career. 

I was told by my grandmother how I would amount to nothing.  I wasn't smart, and how fat I was.  That I was a liar, and no good for anything.  Growing up hearing this has ill effects on your view of yourself as you can imagine.  Every time I fail, I think back to her harsh words -- and I've failed a LOT.

Family can be cruel.  This I know only too well.  Family can sometimes inflict the worst pain.  You trust them to protect you, to love you, and to support you.  If you're lucky you will have family that does just that.  For me I've had family on both sides.  On the one side of my family I learned how o never trust anyone, that your own flesh and blood can betray you.  How a father who should be the one to always protect his baby girl could be the one to tell her something was right although it was wrong.  I was taught how everything has a price.  There was no support for dreams, instead they were crushed and I was put down time and time again.  Lucky for me I also had another side to my family...the family that was my rock and support is here tonight for me, they've shown me what it means to be a part of a family - to love and always be there for one another especially in dark times.  They've never once turned their back on me or said any foul words.

I've learned over the years that while you don't get to choose the family that gives birth to you, but you can chose the family you belong to.  It took me a long time to move out of my abusive home - but once I did I cut all ties with the family members who cause me such pain.

Unfortunately while I've left the people who hurt me behind, the scars that were cause by my past will always be on me.  They follow me around and never fully heal.Time has healed my physical scars so you can hardly see where I use to heat tweezers and burn my legs, but time hasn't erased my memories.  They will always be with me... in fact the more time that goes by, the older I get the more I worry.  I worry about my girls having to face this cruel world.  I want to hide them away so they will never know any pain - as a parent that is probably our biggest wish.

For me, I almost didn't have children because if both my father and grandfather could molest me then how could I ever trust someone else enough to have children with them? How could I take that chance?  I'm thankful everyday that I changed my mind and for my girls - they bring meaning to my life - but everyday I worry about them growing up, and I have flash back and pray that they will never go through what I did.  My memories will be a constant reminder that my worry is justified, and that is why it's important to stay calm and talk about my story with others.

I thought that after all  that I'd gone through in my first 17 years that I deserved a break and I'd prove everyone wrong by becoming something great.  But here I was, 25 and a failure!  I dropped out of college, not just once but twice.  I tried to have my own business not once, but twice, both of which didn't go successfully.

As we were preparing our move back north I told my husband one evening how I was feeling about everything.  He looked at me and said, "Life might be hard right now, things aren't going the way we planned, but never think yourself a failure.  Your grandparents on that evil side of your family were sick people.  You are great. You are a good mother to our two girls, look at them and how well you're taking care of them, and all the love they know.  You might not have any glamours job but not everyone is meant to have a fancy job.  And don't forget how close to your heart Take Back The Night is, I think you're doing great and meaningful things trying to inspire other survivors."  That is one of the reasons he is my husband.  He's shown me that there is good in the world, that I can talk about my past and share my pain with him.  He encourages me in all that I want to do, and supports me in not only speaking here each year but also writing my blog about overcoming my past as often as I can.  He also knows how to show me how my view of myself (when negative) is wrong.  He knows how to lift me up when I'm down.

Each year brings us hardships and blessings. Every person, even if they seem perfect to you, has their hard times, failures, and skeletons.  Each of us has our own scars and pain, but we each also have something special to bring to the world, you might not see it yet but it's there.  And each of you who share your past, you bring about awareness and hope for others.  Everyone here, just by being here (supporting us at TBTN rallies) you help to bring light to the darkness and encouragement to us all to speak out against abuse.

One more thing I want to share with you..

I have a poster set up full of comments of support and encouragement I've received about my blog that I want to share with each of you - because they aren't just for me, but for everyone who shares.  There's an image below but for those reading this check out this blog entry that also has all the comments in full that you can read.

My display at TBTN

While I've been told that I'm strong for talking about it - the truth is...that while I hope that my blog and talking here helps someone - it really helps me a lot, it's my own therapy.  Keep Calm and Talk about it.  It's really hard standing up here in front of people and sharing, and I remember how scared I was the first time I ever went to get help and having to talk about it - but after - my gosh it feels so good to get it all out!

It gets easier the more you do it - Stay Calm and Talk about It.  I've been speaking at or at least writing something for tonight - gosh I think 8 or 9 years now, it does get easier to speak, and it feels so good to get my thoughts, feelings, and story off my chest.  Oh I still have my secretes, details of my past that I have not yet shared - they weigh down on me - but I'm not yet ready to tell them - and that's OK, I think, because telling what I do helps immensely. 

Keep Calm and Talk about it and I think you'll feel a sense of freedom from it, I know I do.