Support the victims and survivors (views on how society reacts)

I watch The View often and they've been talk a lot about "the Bill Cosby allegations" and how terrible it is for him to be accused of rape and how what if it's true and what if it's not.  I have to do a shout out to Rosie O - She's doing a great job talking and advocating for victims of sexual abuse - THANK YOU!!  She's handing out facts and I really want to applaud her for that.

I am really upset with the whole "I don't think he really did it," "The women are lieing," "I need proof,: and all that crap!  All those quotes and debate are hurtful, for me personally having been told (by Jim) that if I ever told anyone what he was doing that I wouldn't be believed
"who would believe a child with a past already over a respected community member with a good lawyer?" he would say.

I've had a few thoughts going on since they started talking about the "allegations" on TheView and now I'd like to share them with you...

1.) There is NOT always proof.  I wasn't raped - I was molested, touched, made to strip and sit naked for his view.  Yes, rape you can prove with a rape kit, but understand that not always do rape victims run right to get help - why? Because there's shame and guilt that society puts on them - fear and a multitude of other reasons.

2.) "Crying Wolf" - I don't see how any woman could lie about going through any sexual violence.  I know some have - I've heard of women lieing in custody battles and read Gone Girl where the female character framed an innocent man for rape (and more) but she was physco.  That all makes me so angry.  Every time someone cries wolf on something like that it hurts us all.  It sets what we are trying to do back so much because now that's what's in peoples minds how do we know she's telling the truth, there was that one woman who lied and they ruined an innocent man.  Don't LIE!  It really just end up hurting everyone else, we as women need to protect one another and crying wolf just places doubt in people's mind because with every time a woman lies about sexual violence towards her it makes them want more proof and as I just said, there is not always proof.

3.) Why is it that people assume that by telling your story that you are after your 15minutes of fame?? Really? Fame from rape (or whatever other abuse they've gone through)? No!  I believe the women telling their story about Bill Cosby are women just like me and they just want truth and they carried this around with them in shame and fear for years.
When I came out about Jim's abuse to me they asked if I wanted to sue or anything - No I didn't want his money nor do I want Rick's.  I knew when I moved out and spoke out about my abuse I'd lose my inheritance.  I gave up everything money wise to live a happy life where I wasn't the victim anymore.  Do you want to know what I "lost"? 1/4 million dollars inheritance, (Jim died about 2years after I moved out of the house), my own piece of land and house I was always told I'd inherit, a walk-in closet and my own bathroom in the house we were living in, college tuition (or so they always said they would pay at least)
Yeah I didn't get any of that - but I didn't (nor do I) want it! It was all tainted with dirty strings attached.  I gained so much more by moving out and even more with sharing my story.
Moving out I escaped the fear and dark depression I had.  I gained freedom and privacy.  I no longer had to worry about what I was going to deal with at home.  I gained safety, and LOVE.  Yeah I had to share a bedroom, no longer had a closet and had to share one bathroom with 5 other people, but I got the chance to be a kid (well teenager), have friends, sleepovers, and be happy.  and I stopped hurting.  I no longer wanted to cut or burn myself.
By sharing my story- it's a big release.  I had this ball of secretes, shame, fear of what people would think, all inside me and it tugged unknowingly at every part of me.  When I shared my story publicly it was like that ball loosened a bit and once I began to admit what I went through and talk more that ball kept unraveling and I gained confidence, I gained hope and strength and a dream or 2.  Enough about me....back to my thought about sexual abuse in the headlines....

4.) Why are the victims accused of being in the wrong here??  This one makes me mad.  I already wrote one blog about no matter what a person is wearing NO MEANS NO, so you know I'm not wasting my "breath" on repeating myself there answering the "well what was she wearing?" questions.  But it seems that there are so many other accusing questions and comments that come up
How'd you get yourself in this situation?
 She shouldn't have drunk so much! 
Were you leading him on?
Someone on the View on January 8th said something that struck out so good to me so I'm going to share...
If 26 people said they were mugged we wouldn't be asking if they were telling the truth or what they were wearing or how they let that happen to themselves, so why is it that that's what society does to sexual assault victims?
It's not right and this needs to change!
Before I move on to the next thing that has struck a cord I want to touch on the drinking and drugged part....
We can't shame women by blaming rape on them since they drank too much that night.  No.  Men and Women both drink to the point of black outs in movies, books, TV shows, and in real life.  I think it happens to everyone at least once.  I am NOT condoning excessive drinking - I'm just being honest.  I, personally, have been drunk, to the point of throwing up more times than I'd like to admit.  It took me a long time to learn my limit - and even after that there was a least one time that my drinks hit me harder than normal.
Just because a woman is under the influence of drugs or Alcohol  does not mean it's OK to take advantage of her - and she did not bring rape on herself by drinking.  Men need to be gentlemen and get her help.
If you have a drug or Alcohol  problem please seek help.

5.) "I can't believe he did it." Denial.
Just because someone is a son/husband/father/teacher/famous/wealthy or whatever word you want to insert here.  No matter what "he" is - does not mean that he didn't commit the crime he's accuse of.
Rick and Jim were both: fathers, sons, husbands, brothers, bus drivers, company owners, and well off.  Jim was also respected in the community and had political friends.  They both molested me.  5years of age or younger daughter to Rick, that didn't matter.  And Jim waited until I was older but I was his granddaughter.
I might have been their only victim....I don't know....but they still did it, it happened.

I did not watch the full interview with Katie Couric and Stephen Collins to hear all the details about what he did to young girls.  I liked watching 7th Heaven growing up - but just because he played a good father figure doesn't mean I don't believe what he said is true.Child molesters, rapest and those who fall anywhere in between are good actors - They know how to act "normal," they will fool everyone around them.  I know - I lived through it.  I've seen it! 
Bill Cosby was the "American Dad" - SO What?!?  That doesn't mean he didn't commit the crimes he's accused of.  not only that but that was a role he played.
I'm sorry to scare you - but the truth is, sadly, there are real monsters who live among us and you can't pick them out from the crowd unless you've been a victim at their hand.  You might think you know your boss, co-worker, neighbor, favorite actor, best friend, and even spouse - but do you really?  They can keep their secrets and fool everyone.

I hope that justice in some for comes about, I know there's statues of limitations but people have power and with the truth out there we can stand behind the victims and survivors and make a change!!

Links used in this blog for quick access:
The View
Rosie O against her Co Host on The View (advocating for and defending victims of abuse)
Gillian Flynn's website (author of the book Gone Girl which I mentioned)
Link to The Huffington Post with videos sharing the Women's stories
The full Episode of The View on January 8th on YouTube from which I got a lot of my inspiration behind this post
Katie Couric and Stephen Collins on Yahoo
Stephen Collins 20/20
7th Heaven on TV guide
CDC website with facts on sexual violence 

Words of Support...

Last week a post I had written in August was shared on Facebook by someone to a group about one of the schools that has Davis Buses.  The post was shared a bunch and all the comments I saw were so full of reassurance that I had done the right thing and full of praise that I was close to tears reading what everyone had said.

I wish I had had all those comments and known that so many people would have stood behind me back when I was in school going through everything.  Back then I was living with a dark secrete that I was told to never talk about because according to Gen and Jim "People would think poorly of me.  Kids in shool would pick on me.  And, why would I want to tell anyone what happened, it's in the past!"

In the past it might be but I haven't forgotten...in some ways I wish I could...but it will always be with me.  And when the abuser is still alive and not just them but you know the ugly truth that not everyone can be trusted so once you have kids you'll do anything to look out for them and protect them.

When I was younger I felt like Gen and Jim ruled the world and that I was small and insingifanct.  I didn't want to get picked on, or yelled at for telling anyone - so it was years that I kept the secrete.  Finally talking about it was really hard for me - but it's gotten easier over the years, and now that I've opened up I realized it wasn't me they were worried for but themselves.
Maybe that's why speaking out about what happened to me and sharing the comments of support from others below is so important to me.  I hated the way I felt growing up and I don't think anyone should have to feel that way.  I also want to bring hope to those who have gone through abuse and to those who are being abused.  The victims currently being suppressed are the ones who need the words of encouragement the most - they need to know that they have support to come forward and to get help - and that they won't be picked on -it takes a lot of strength to get help - to stand up against those who have done such harm to you.

So now I'll share all the comments I saw with you in hopes that others who need the support and a reminder that stepping forward to get help, and shareing their story with others is a good thing.  **Note: if you're a male survivor or victim reading this please just adjust the words so that they fit you**

"I truly admire your bravery.  I wish more parents would see it."

"Keep your head up, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by the amount of support you get/have."

"I am so proud of what a strong and brave young lady you have grown into."

"Giving those names means they have no hold on you anymore.. Letting the public know who did this is a protection for the public.. Those awful people do not deserve to remain anonymous.. You owe them no loyalty, they owe you everything.Personally I think you should sue them all for what they did to you..." 

 "I'm very proud of you!! You just made such a difference to so many, survivors, victims and future victims of abuse...it takes a strong person to STAND UP!! Hold your head high!! Not many can do what you did, what NEEDS to be done...If this helped only 1 person (I'm sure it has helped more just in knowing they are not alone in whatever abuse they have been through or are going through...and may give them the same Courage you have shown...)  May the Rest of your Life be filled with Peace and Happiness"

"Takes a lot of balls to face your past and share it with the public.  You are a strong girl!!"

"What happened is disgusting.  I am so happy to see that those horrible people did not prevent you from growing into a beautiful strong and courageous woman and loving mother.  Thank you for sharing your story and giving hope and encouragement to other victims of abuse."

"I am happy you feel strong enough to now tell your story.  Your past has not prevented you from becoming a strong woman.  I remember some of the abuse by your grandfather and even when I had to call him to stand up for you I remember how intimated he made me feel.  So happy to see your strength!"

"There is freedom in the truth. If your story helps just one other person then truth has won once again.  Hold that in your heart and know that God understands and surly has a place for you."

"Wow, very courageous of this girl to share the name of her childhood molester...hope she inspires others.

"Thank you for sharing your story.  You are an inspiration!!"

"You are a very brave person.  Best of luck to you."

"Very brave person, indeed.  You should never feel ashamed - Thank you for sharing your story and being a strong person."

"Thank you for your contribution to bring awareness!"

"I think it is a wonderful thing that you are doing by speaking out about what has been done to you and I feel it is a very good thing that you are not hiding the facts about who did it.  It is time that the abuser stop being protected.  It is time that people know what they are really like."  

"I'm so happy for you, not happy that you went through that, but you are a blessing to all that know you.  You are one strong woman.  Keep telling your story we all need it, more for the ones going through it. God Bless You.  You might not think you are, you sure area hero to us.  Also you teaching us all what ever bad things that happened to any of us if we want a better life you got to work at it.  We don't have to be victim or a pawn of hurt and scared for life.  Thank you for who you became.  You could have had closed the doors and hid and not walked in love, after all you faced you still found love." 

" I read her story and was very impressed with her strength and courage to not let that those horrible people control her life. As far as her telling their names, too bad for them! They did something horrible to an innocent child, they deserved to be shamed in public." 

"That's great that you're taking this and turning it into something positive. I had heard rumors of this but had NO idea who the family was and the post was brought to my attention."

Names

Thanks to some survivors at Take Back The Night this year who got up and introduced themselves by name I've realized that I shouldn't hide names. Like I said you never know how your speaking helps others.

I realized that I shouldn't hide who I am, I've done nothing wrong, although I'm still embarrassed and ashamed of what happened to me I know I shouldn't be but you can't help it, abuse leaves marks that can't be seen and shame is one of those marks. You want to hide and remain annomys. For me it's that and the reason I haven't shared names is out of fear even still, years after the abuse has stopped, I'm still afraid of what might happen by putting their names out there, but I'm going to do it anyway...why? Because people should know who they are, because I know my "father" who molested his own daughter, and if he did it to his own daughter then no child is safe around him, isn't on Megan's List...because he was convicted of his crime before Megan's Law.

So names....I will now use names for the two who abused me....while one has died before being convicted the other still lives.

Richard "Rick" Davis was, or well biologically is my father. He is a convicted child molester, he went to jail for 5 or 7 years. When he started touching me, I don't know, I don't have a lot of early childhood memories, but there are a lot of clips that I wish I didn't have. By the time I entered 1st grade he was in jail. The last I heard he was living in Shohola, PA.

James "Jim" Davis was while not biologically, but adoptivally, Rick's father, and my grandfather. He was very well respected in the community, and had many political friends. I didn't tell anyone of what he did to me until I was out of his house and 17years old. He died before any trial or conviction.

Gennive "Jen" Davis was the wife of Jim and mother of Rick. She still is a respected member of the community, and drives and owns school buses. She blamed me and my mother for her son Rick going to jail.

Wow, even though I'm 25 and have been out of the house and away from the 3 of them I'm still fearful of telling their names...but as I said before, I'm gonna suck it up and tell you all because you have a right to know who commits such crimes and that they are from all backgrounds.

From now on in my blog I will use their names, I no longer have to refer to Rick as my father since I've never liked doing so.

It is important to know that Rick was a school bus driver! A person that was always around children! He even owned buses. He is not allowed to own or drive school buses now but I know for a fact that he is still around them. How? Well before I moved out of Jen and Jim's I was told that he was around by his brother, and then I saw him. He never came near me. Jen and Jim didn't know that I knew. He was caught driving bus for a summer camp I had worked at, and the owner who knew Rick wasn't allowed to be around kids told him to get off the property and not to come back on. Other family friends who know of what happened have told us that they have seen him driving an empty bus to get work done on it (we've learned that if the "school bus" signs aren't showing it's not against the law) and on a couple ocassions has gone out to buses that have broken down to fix them.

Jen and Jim owned a large number of school buses and both drove school bus. While Jim died 6 or 7 years ago Jen still owns the buses and drives. She never touched me, she only put me down, called me names and made me feel like shit.

Sex offenders can be anyone! The Davis name while it's a common name, was highly respected in our community. I think it still is, because they kept all their dirty secrets hidden from everyone. I was always told growing up to never tell anyone what happened to me because if I did people would think poorly of me, make fun of me, and I'd just be hurting myself. I've realized that it was their name and reputation that they didn't want ruined.

To you seeing them, you'd never think or know what they truely were/are, what they did. To me, I knew the truth, after all I was the one going through the abuse. I often wondered why other people didn't see it...couldn't they see their thoughts? I know people can't, but as someone going through the abuse, you really wish people could!

They had money! They had a lot of money and were well off. Abuse doesn't know any boundries, age, race, money, job, religion, there are no defining charatistics of who will be abuse, or of those who abuse others. I hated money, and power. Why? Because Jen and Jim had both! And Jim always held that over me. He told me I couldn't tell anyone because no one would believe me and that he was too old to go to jail. No one would believe me because he was powerful. I was terrified when I finally told. Who would believe me? And as far as I know I was the only person he ever did that to. Oh but he told me how he loved to look at girls getting on the school bus in short skirts. But what does that matter? I doubt he told anyone else that.

So to everyone who lives where there's a Davis school bus (G Davis Inc), you now know of the people who are around the busses. I will not allow my children on one. Once they start riding a bus I'm gonna make sure I know who the driver is and make sure that they know to tell me the moment they don't feel safe.

I want to end this entry with a link to a letter from a child molester written to Ann Landers: