I watch The View often and they've been talk a lot about "the Bill Cosby allegations" and how terrible it is for him to be accused of rape and how what if it's true and what if it's not. I have to do a shout out to Rosie O - She's doing a great job talking and advocating for victims of sexual abuse - THANK YOU!! She's handing out facts and I really want to applaud her for that.
I am really upset with the whole "I don't think he really did it," "The women are lieing," "I need proof,: and all that crap! All those quotes and debate are hurtful, for me personally having been told (by Jim) that if I ever told anyone what he was doing that I wouldn't be believed
"who would believe a child with a past already over a respected community member with a good lawyer?" he would say.
I've had a few thoughts going on since they started talking about the "allegations" on TheView and now I'd like to share them with you...
1.) There is NOT always proof. I wasn't raped - I was molested, touched, made to strip and sit naked for his view. Yes, rape you can prove with a rape kit, but understand that not always do rape victims run right to get help - why? Because there's shame and guilt that society puts on them - fear and a multitude of other reasons.
2.) "Crying Wolf" - I don't see how any woman could lie about going through any sexual violence. I know some have - I've heard of women lieing in custody battles and read Gone Girl where the female character framed an innocent man for rape (and more) but she was physco. That all makes me so angry. Every time someone cries wolf on something like that it hurts us all. It sets what we are trying to do back so much because now that's what's in peoples minds how do we know she's telling the truth, there was that one woman who lied and they ruined an innocent man. Don't LIE! It really just end up hurting everyone else, we as women need to protect one another and crying wolf just places doubt in people's mind because with every time a woman lies about sexual violence towards her it makes them want more proof and as I just said, there is not always proof.
3.) Why is it that people assume that by telling your story that you are after your 15minutes of fame?? Really? Fame from rape (or whatever other abuse they've gone through)? No! I believe the women telling their story about Bill Cosby are women just like me and they just want truth and they carried this around with them in shame and fear for years.
When I came out about Jim's abuse to me they asked if I wanted to sue or anything - No I didn't want his money nor do I want Rick's. I knew when I moved out and spoke out about my abuse I'd lose my inheritance. I gave up everything money wise to live a happy life where I wasn't the victim anymore. Do you want to know what I "lost"? 1/4 million dollars inheritance, (Jim died about 2years after I moved out of the house), my own piece of land and house I was always told I'd inherit, a walk-in closet and my own bathroom in the house we were living in, college tuition (or so they always said they would pay at least)
Yeah I didn't get any of that - but I didn't (nor do I) want it! It was all tainted with dirty strings attached. I gained so much more by moving out and even more with sharing my story.
Moving out I escaped the fear and dark depression I had. I gained freedom and privacy. I no longer had to worry about what I was going to deal with at home. I gained safety, and LOVE. Yeah I had to share a bedroom, no longer had a closet and had to share one bathroom with 5 other people, but I got the chance to be a kid (well teenager), have friends, sleepovers, and be happy. and I stopped hurting. I no longer wanted to cut or burn myself.
By sharing my story- it's a big release. I had this ball of secretes, shame, fear of what people would think, all inside me and it tugged unknowingly at every part of me. When I shared my story publicly it was like that ball loosened a bit and once I began to admit what I went through and talk more that ball kept unraveling and I gained confidence, I gained hope and strength and a dream or 2. Enough about me....back to my thought about sexual abuse in the headlines....
4.) Why are the victims accused of being in the wrong here?? This one makes me mad. I already wrote one blog about no matter what a person is wearing NO MEANS NO, so you know I'm not wasting my "breath" on repeating myself there answering the "well what was she wearing?" questions. But it seems that there are so many other accusing questions and comments that come up
How'd you get yourself in this situation?
She shouldn't have drunk so much!
Were you leading him on?
Someone on the View on January 8th said something that struck out so good to me so I'm going to share...
If 26 people said they were mugged we wouldn't be asking if they were telling the truth or what they were wearing or how they let that happen to themselves, so why is it that that's what society does to sexual assault victims?
It's not right and this needs to change!
Before I move on to the next thing that has struck a cord I want to touch on the drinking and drugged part....
We can't shame women by blaming rape on them since they drank too much that night. No. Men and Women both drink to the point of black outs in movies, books, TV shows, and in real life. I think it happens to everyone at least once. I am NOT condoning excessive drinking - I'm just being honest. I, personally, have been drunk, to the point of throwing up more times than I'd like to admit. It took me a long time to learn my limit - and even after that there was a least one time that my drinks hit me harder than normal.
Just because a woman is under the influence of drugs or Alcohol does not mean it's OK to take advantage of her - and she did not bring rape on herself by drinking. Men need to be gentlemen and get her help.
If you have a drug or Alcohol problem please seek help.
5.) "I can't believe he did it." Denial.
Just because someone is a son/husband/father/teacher/famous/wealthy or whatever word you want to insert here. No matter what "he" is - does not mean that he didn't commit the crime he's accuse of.
Rick and Jim were both: fathers, sons, husbands, brothers, bus drivers, company owners, and well off. Jim was also respected in the community and had political friends. They both molested me. 5years of age or younger daughter to Rick, that didn't matter. And Jim waited until I was older but I was his granddaughter.
I might have been their only victim....I don't know....but they still did it, it happened.
I did not watch the full interview with Katie Couric and Stephen Collins to hear all the details about what he did to young girls. I liked watching 7th Heaven growing up - but just because he played a good father figure doesn't mean I don't believe what he said is true.Child molesters, rapest and those who fall anywhere in between are good actors - They know how to act "normal," they will fool everyone around them. I know - I lived through it. I've seen it!
Bill Cosby was the "American Dad" - SO What?!? That doesn't mean he didn't commit the crimes he's accused of. not only that but that was a role he played.
I'm sorry to scare you - but the truth is, sadly, there are real monsters who live among us and you can't pick them out from the crowd unless you've been a victim at their hand. You might think you know your boss, co-worker, neighbor, favorite actor, best friend, and even spouse - but do you really? They can keep their secrets and fool everyone.
I hope that justice in some for comes about, I know there's statues of limitations but people have power and with the truth out there we can stand behind the victims and survivors and make a change!!
Links used in this blog for quick access:
The View
Rosie O against her Co Host on The View (advocating for and defending victims of abuse)
Gillian Flynn's website (author of the book Gone Girl which I mentioned)
Link to The Huffington Post with videos sharing the Women's stories
The full Episode of The View on January 8th on YouTube from which I got a lot of my inspiration behind this post
Katie Couric and Stephen Collins on Yahoo
Stephen Collins 20/20
7th Heaven on TV guide
CDC website with facts on sexual violence
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