This past year alone in one county, in PA, VIP has helped 88adult and 34children in cases of sexual assault! The numbers are alarming - that was just ONE county in ONE state.
This year a specialist came in to talk to us about sex trafficking. The numbers there also alarming and watching and learning how it's happening all over the country and even in small towns was scary. I will be gathering more info and will post a future blog about it.
If you haven't yet gone to a Take Back The Night, I encourage you to find one near you (your local college or VIP should be able to have the information for you).
The survivors who spoke last night did a fantastic job!! It's really neat to see how everyone heals and expresses themselves in their own way. So powerful and strong they were!! One sung a song, one wrote her story in a poem that tore at your heart, and one even made a video where she did make up and told her whole story of how she was raped at such a young age and how she overcame that. Such strong women!!
Their stories and the event itself really makes me want to open my blog up to others to share so it would be like last year long. But I will have to figure out how to do that... For now I'll leave you with my speech from last night, and a few images....
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| My turn to share |
We live in a world where we don't want people to know our failures, our imperfections, or our discolored past. When we talk about ourselves to other people or share things on social media we often portray our lives in the best light as we can. I am very guilty of this. Every year I write up a Christmas newsletter and tell our family and friends all that has happened in the past year trying to make things appear like we're doing fantastic, no matter what problems we're facing.
I try each year to get up and give an inspiring speech and try also to have an uplifting and inspiring blog...
I don't believe that people would be so inspired to know all the truth...that we struggle each month to make our bills, have been homeless, and that I often feel like a failure. Well tonight, as I still hope to inspire and uplift, I'm going to tell you about my discolored past, my failures, and how imperfect I am.
By the age of 25 you're suppose to have life figured out, aren't you?? Know who you are, what you want to do, and to be on your way to accomplishing something. Well that's not me. In December I had a very hard time with this and struggled to find meaning in my life.
Last Spring, my family moved south to start a new and better life, so I thought, but all our plans failed and the week before Christmas my husband was laid off; for the New Year we were looking at being homeless. This is not the was it's suppose to be once you have children. By now I should have graduated college, and bee well on my way to a successful career.
I was told by my grandmother how I would amount to nothing. I wasn't smart, and how fat I was. That I was a liar, and no good for anything. Growing up hearing this has ill effects on your view of yourself as you can imagine. Every time I fail, I think back to her harsh words -- and I've failed a LOT.
Family can be cruel. This I know only too well. Family can sometimes inflict the worst pain. You trust them to protect you, to love you, and to support you. If you're lucky you will have family that does just that. For me I've had family on both sides. On the one side of my family I learned how o never trust anyone, that your own flesh and blood can betray you. How a father who should be the one to always protect his baby girl could be the one to tell her something was right although it was wrong. I was taught how everything has a price. There was no support for dreams, instead they were crushed and I was put down time and time again. Lucky for me I also had another side to my family...the family that was my rock and support is here tonight for me, they've shown me what it means to be a part of a family - to love and always be there for one another especially in dark times. They've never once turned their back on me or said any foul words.
I've learned over the years that while you don't get to choose the family that gives birth to you, but you can chose the family you belong to. It took me a long time to move out of my abusive home - but once I did I cut all ties with the family members who cause me such pain.
Unfortunately while I've left the people who hurt me behind, the scars that were cause by my past will always be on me. They follow me around and never fully heal.Time has healed my physical scars so you can hardly see where I use to heat tweezers and burn my legs, but time hasn't erased my memories. They will always be with me... in fact the more time that goes by, the older I get the more I worry. I worry about my girls having to face this cruel world. I want to hide them away so they will never know any pain - as a parent that is probably our biggest wish.
For me, I almost didn't have children because if both my father and grandfather could molest me then how could I ever trust someone else enough to have children with them? How could I take that chance? I'm thankful everyday that I changed my mind and for my girls - they bring meaning to my life - but everyday I worry about them growing up, and I have flash back and pray that they will never go through what I did. My memories will be a constant reminder that my worry is justified, and that is why it's important to stay calm and talk about my story with others.
I thought that after all that I'd gone through in my first 17 years that I deserved a break and I'd prove everyone wrong by becoming something great. But here I was, 25 and a failure! I dropped out of college, not just once but twice. I tried to have my own business not once, but twice, both of which didn't go successfully.
As we were preparing our move back north I told my husband one evening how I was feeling about everything. He looked at me and said, "Life might be hard right now, things aren't going the way we planned, but never think yourself a failure. Your grandparents on that evil side of your family were sick people. You are great. You are a good mother to our two girls, look at them and how well you're taking care of them, and all the love they know. You might not have any glamours job but not everyone is meant to have a fancy job. And don't forget how close to your heart Take Back The Night is, I think you're doing great and meaningful things trying to inspire other survivors." That is one of the reasons he is my husband. He's shown me that there is good in the world, that I can talk about my past and share my pain with him. He encourages me in all that I want to do, and supports me in not only speaking here each year but also writing my blog about overcoming my past as often as I can. He also knows how to show me how my view of myself (when negative) is wrong. He knows how to lift me up when I'm down.
Each year brings us hardships and blessings. Every person, even if they seem perfect to you, has their hard times, failures, and skeletons. Each of us has our own scars and pain, but we each also have something special to bring to the world, you might not see it yet but it's there. And each of you who share your past, you bring about awareness and hope for others. Everyone here, just by being here (supporting us at TBTN rallies) you help to bring light to the darkness and encouragement to us all to speak out against abuse.
One more thing I want to share with you..
I have a poster set up full of comments of support and encouragement I've received about my blog that I want to share with each of you - because they aren't just for me, but for everyone who shares. There's an image below but for those reading this check out this blog entry that also has all the comments in full that you can read.
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| My display at TBTN |
While I've been told that I'm strong for talking about it - the truth is...that while I hope that my blog and talking here helps someone - it really helps me a lot, it's my own therapy. Keep Calm and Talk about it. It's really hard standing up here in front of people and sharing, and I remember how scared I was the first time I ever went to get help and having to talk about it - but after - my gosh it feels so good to get it all out!
It gets easier the more you do it - Stay Calm and Talk about It. I've been speaking at or at least writing something for tonight - gosh I think 8 or 9 years now, it does get easier to speak, and it feels so good to get my thoughts, feelings, and story off my chest. Oh I still have my secretes, details of my past that I have not yet shared - they weigh down on me - but I'm not yet ready to tell them - and that's OK, I think, because telling what I do helps immensely.
Keep Calm and Talk about it and I think you'll feel a sense of freedom from it, I know I do.
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