Embrace Your Voice: TBTN 2018

Take Back The Night is a powerful night that I'm mentioned in my blog before.  It's a night of healing, empowerment, sharing pain and sharing hope.  Every year the survivors get up and share their stories.  This year there was no keynote speaker, it was a night this year of just our stories.  There were women who got up in front of the crowd and shared for the first time of rape, molestation, domestic violence, pain, fear, and shame they were made to feel, and secrets they were told to keep.  Each of these speakers got up and ended their speech on such a strong and powerful note of hope, hope for others for healing, hope for others to get help, hope for a future starting today of no more shame on the victim.   I loved how each person gave the next hope.  That is what embracing your voice is about.

So now I'll share with you what I said... In purple I'm going to add some after thought notes just for those who are reading this and like it's my own journal what I would say:

I have these memories that I haven't shared. They are things I've kept bottled up because it's too hard to admit it happened.  But these memories I haven't shared, they come back to me vividly.  I think to myself , I was so young and there are so many things from my childhood I don't remember, how can I remember these things?  Why?  Why have they stayed in my mind when I don't want them there?

I remember a knock at the door, my father rushing me out of his bed and into the bathroom to hide.  "Shh, don't make a sound," and he left me to put back on my nightgown and stand there until he came back. He told me how no one could know about our special time.

I haven't shared that before.  I'm not sure if that's the first time I was told not to tell anyone but it's the earliest memory I have of being told not to say anything.  

When you're abused at a very young age you are taught that you have no voice.  Of course I wasn't mute, I spoke.  Just I knew, or rather was told - never to speak of the bad things.

At the age of 6 I told my great grandma what happened.  Not meaning to.  It was in a way only an innocent child could confess anything.  I remember drying off after a bath and saying, "Don't worry about the red there, it's probably just from when daddy touches me there.  He puts his thingie in my thing."

My life changed that night and I remember feeling guilty for tearing my family apart.  Things would never be the same again and it was my fault, because I said something.

Years later, many years later I'll realize how it wasn't my fault and how my family was already broken before I told everyone what happened.  Until I would realize this however, I'd carry the weight of that with me.  The kids at school asking why I lived with my grandparents, when it was time to tell about your family and I wouldn't say anything about a father.  "What about your dad?"  Kids would ask.

Which brings me to my next lesson of not speaking.  I didn't want to talk to others about what had happened, why I was different than the other kids, so I didn't.  Not until I was in 6th grade.  When I was making a friend and I told her why I didn't have a father; she told me about why she didn't too.  It was the first time someone had told me they had gone through much the same thing.  I was feeling a lot better knowing I wasn't the only one.  Until I got back home.  At this point in my life I was living with my paternal grandparents - the same ones who's son molested me.  The girl I confided in talked to her mom who talked to my grandparents who then had a talk to me.

  "Why would you share that info?  It's in the past.  You're not hurt!  Other kids will find out and you wouldn't want them to know.  She's probably going to go tell all the kids at school now what happened to you and you'll be the kid no one wants to be around."

At this point in school I already felt different than other kids.  I was a tomboy, didn't have many if any girl friends.  I was a loner, before I even knew what a loner was.  Now I felt for sure like everyone would know that I was dirty and something was wrong with me.

That was the last time I talked openly to anyone about what I'd gone through, for a couple years.  In high school I'd start getting counseling, discretely, in school.  I still didn't open up a whole lot.

My entire life, the only people who reacted poorly to my story - who told me to keep quiet, were my abusers.  I can say I am lucky for this, because I know there is a ton of victim blaming out there. -All I can say to those who make the victim feel bad for what happened, is shame on you for your lack of compassion and for digging at a wound of someone who is already hurt.  It is never the victim's fault! Everyone, EVERYONE, has the right to say NO!

I remember being questioned that..."Did you say no?" when I was making my report about my grandfather, once I finally admitted that Rick wasn't the only one to touch me. 

I went through puberty,  he'd measure my breast, teach me how to groom.  I don't remember if I said no at first, I doubt it.  No wasn't something we were allowed to say in that house.  I was uncomfortable as I grew and was made to undress.
He'd say "Let me play with your boobs if you want to go to the school dance."
"No"
"Why not?  Don't you want to go?"
"Well yeah"
 "Well then, it's not hurting anyone. Make an old man happy."

I was afraid of him too.  I'm not the only one he intimidated. I know he's made other adults cry at playing cards.  You didn't tell him no.  Over the years I would try to find a way to say no.  But I had no voice. Not in that house. Hell I didn't even have a voice when I had told my talked to Children and Youth and they said they needed to question me inside that house and as long as I told them I didn't feel safe they'd take me out...but I couldn't find my voice in front of Jen and Jim.  Twice I sat there and denied everything.  Of course this is before I confessed about Jim also being an abuser.  I was told after that had I talked about that it would have sped up the process of my getting out of that house.

From all my years of not being allowed to talk about my abuse, not standing up for myself, it took me a while to find my voice.  When I found out this years theme was Embrace Your Voice, it made me so happy.  I love the theme.  That is something I have done.  It's a very important step for all survivors to take, to embrace our voice and know that our abusers don't have the power to keep us silent.

I found my voice because of all the people who helped me heal.  Every person who I shared a part of my story with and I wasn't labeled or outcast-ed, I found my voice at Take Back The Night, each year as hard as it is to relive my past I've buried and to open up to a room full of people - most of which are strangers, I embrace my voice I found. I heal more. I gain my power back.  I am powerful with my voice.  I am not afraid to share my story; I use my voice to raise awareness.

Why is this night important?  Why are we saying "Embrace Your Voice"?
                                                 To Heal, Empower, and Educate

1. Tonight we heal, we are in a safe and supporting environment to listen to each other, share, and know we have help.
2. Empower.  We empower each other.  The people you brought with you cheer you one. We all cheer for you, and people you don't know come up at the end of the event and say "Good job" and Thank you for sharing. It takes a lot of courage to open up. Then to open up to a room full of people it takes even more, add to it how intimate this topic is and a microphone - yup You are strong!  We are here to empower each person that speaks.  And personally by telling my story I feel I give myself power back.  They don't have the power to keep me silent any more!
• There is another group we are empowering here tonight - the kids.  I was nervous the first few times bringing my daughters to Take Back the Night.  They shouldn't know about abuse. As parents we want to protect them from all the bad.  I've brought my girls with me almost every year I've spoken since they've been born.  There have been a couple years I'd have a sitter but they are usually here.  This year my oldest had a school concert tonight.  It fell on the same night, same time.  I asked her about the concert and told her it was the same night as that thing I spoke at last year.  You know what she said?  "Mommy you can listen to me sing anytime!  I want to go to your event."  Damn my kids are amazing.  Then a couple nights ago she asked if that same lady from last year would be speaking, "she had a sad story, a lot of bad things happened to her, that's sad, but she was so strong I like her."  I thought about it and I think I made the right choice in bringing them with me.  I am surrounding them with strong, powerful women.  We are empowering the next generation with our stories and knowledge that they will grow to know that these things happen but that we don't let them control us. That we say No, that we have a voice, and that there is always help.
3. Educate.  I have learned so much here over the years.  I have taken that knowledge each year and shared it with others.  And again I will point to our children, the ones that are here and the ones that we are around day to day, we need to educate them, and we are.  By embracing our voice and telling them about body safety.  We will raise boys that will become respectful men. We will raise strong girls who will grow to become respectful women who will know their worth, and not let anyone tell them different.  

To each of you sharing tonight (or any day) - come up here with your head held high, and embrace your voice.  When you leave here, keep your voice and use it!  We are listening.  We believe you!  And those who feel they have no voice - who are still in their cycle of abuse - who are afraid - who feel that they are alone - They all need your voice.  And I want them to know that they aren't alone, that it's not their fault, and that there is help.

So I'm going to ask you:

Are you ready to listen? 

Are you ready to stand up and say that sexual assault is a real issue?

Are you ready to embrace your voice?

Are you ready to cheer on each of these speakers?

I hope that this helps someone.  Yes, I speak each year because I take power back for myself by not keeping silent and living in fear of my abusers, but I share at TBTN and online in hopes that my story and links I share will help someone else.  There is help, and it's never too late to get help.  So I will leave you with some links and phone numbers that you can use or pass on to someone else.

Support for Survivors in PA

About the National Sexual Assault Hotline

 800.656.HOPE (4673)

Clothing does not equal Consent

I know I already posted a blog on how no matter what a person is wearing No means No, but I have more to add to this thought.

I cam across a photo on Facebook that really stood out to me and inspired me to share more about clothing (and maybe a future post about men's self control and the difference between a man and a rapist)

My school had this dress code, and I had to dress “modestly” at Jen and Jim's, while with my mother I had freedom to experiment with my expression of clothing.

Jim taught me that skirts meant easy access. I didn't wear dresses often for that reason while living there. But I also learned that it didn't matter what I wore (I shared that in the other post).

I rebelled against dress codes and the whole modesty bull crap – because it didn't prevent anything!

A typical weekend with my mom and how I dressed

When visiting with my mom I'd wear thin strapped tanks, belly shirts, platform shoes, and halter tops; then I'd head outside to play with the neighbor boys. We'd play football well after dark, climbed trees, and never did they try anything.

I met my husband wearing a mini skirt and tank top that most likely revealed some of my belly. That night we were at a bar dancing all night long – he was of age and had a couple beers. I kissed him on the dance floor. He drove me home, and didn't try to go anywhere, the only thing he asked me for was to go out on a date the following night.

When I met his family after a couple dates I learned that they had a dress code and once I was coming around the house often I was asked to follow it because I'd give the males in the house impure thoughts. Pants were too provocative and shape revealing. Girls/Women were to wear long skirts and T-shirts. (Keep in mind at the time it was the heat of summer and I was in short shorts and a tank)

My mind was blown! Skirts aren't SAFE!

I have trouble when it comes to someone telling me how to dress. I like to feel sexy. I like to dress sexy. I'm not dressing this way because I want to have sex (or well sometimes I am but with who I want to not just anyone) I'm dressed this way because I'm expressing my taste in clothing and showing off the body I'm proud to have.

Here are photos of me and how I've dressed...I feel very sexy and proud of my body

2007 on my Honeymoon 

2010 at a fair, my daughter in the pic is a little over a year old

2014 Halloween at a bar. Proud of my body after 2 kids!

There are some that may say that it's inappropriate to dress in such ways...I'd like to say this: appropriate clothing is defined differently by everyone. My above examples explain that, one person thinks that pants are to revealing while Jim proved how quick a hand can go up or down a skirt and into baggy jeans. You dress for the occasion. I would not wear a bikini to my child's school play (where's the water?) 

I shared the “dress code” image on my Facebook wall and a friend of mine made the comment, “...The stupid statement that "boys will be boys" is just another way of saying that males are incapable of self control and common decency. If I were a male, I'd object fervently to that insult. "

Well said!  If I were a man and heard someone say "boys will be boys" and that's why women need to cover up I'd say something like "No, I am a man and have control over my dick!"

I found another blog that dives into the topic of clothing “causing” men to rape women and how wrong society is for blaming the victim because of this whole concept of modesty. Check out her post: How the Modesty Doctrine Fuels RapeCulture.

I have to veer into the “concept of modesty”... We are born without clothing – this is our natural state! A toddler fights you on being covered and prefers to streak across the house (and pee on the floor) this is the state that we are meant to be. I think that reverting back to our nudest tendencies once in a while (or often) is healthy. I didn't use to be this way, I use to be very self conscious about being nude (that could be in large part to Jim making me strip and sit naked for him to view and judge me) My view of myself and finally being able to be naked comfortably came once I had my own apartment. I finally found comfort in my own skin and started to have a healthy body image of myself. Your naked body is nothing to be ashamed of – but rather embraced because it is yours! Once we can be comfortable and happy with our bodies we won't be uncomfortable with others or care much about clothing.

What if nudity was the everyday norm? Then clothing wouldn't be some poor excuse people say.

Back to the blog I found (How theModest Doctrine Fuels Rape Culture) I think everything she said was right. We can not keep going the way we are. I say NoMore “causes” Stop victim blaming, and open your eyes people. The only one responsible for rape and assault is the assailant.

In reading some of the comments left on the blog one stuck out to me because he said almost exactly what I said earlier about being in control over his own dick, but he says it a bit better worded than I could so I'll share it with you:

About 15 years ago I received some VERY important advice. At any time and under any circumstance, the only one responsible for a man's erection IS THAT MAN. A woman, girl friend - wife - 1 night stand - MAY CHOOSE to participate, but IS NOT RESPONSIBLE for doing anything about the man's erection. Since receiving that bon mot I have learned that may react to sensuality/sexuality of women around me but I do NOT have to do anything about it. Even if I do get an erection, it will go down on its own after a bit.

I think it is past time that societies stop allowing men to remain emotional teenagers.

What did you think? I'd be very interested in seeing what other guys have to say about this. As I mentioned at the intro to this post – I think I might write a future post on guys responses to the way women dress and self control. Do you want to share? Inbox me mystory2share2@gmail.com

I found this image (below) on Instagram and love it!! It really sums up how I feel on the whole “the way she was dressed” matter.

Because I wanted to farther make my point clear that clothing does not make a difference I did a Google search for “What I was wearing when I was sexually assaulted.” I believe that these stories really show that rape can happen to anyone no matter age, race, or whatever the fuck they are wearing!

Follow the links, check out the images and you tell me – Can we finally all stand together and support survivors, put an end to blaming the victim and take the shitty effed up phrase “she was asking for it” out???

*** Sexual Violence Myths: Provocative clothing is a risk factor.  Thank you!!  Rape and sexual violence is about power and control over another person.

***BuzzFeed: Sexual Assault Survivors Answer the Question "What were you wearing" on Twitter

***WhatIWasWearingWhenIwasRaped on Tumblr

 Images off Google search:

This is the image from my other post so strong it is on my pages again.

so well said!  There is a blog that goes with this post. Link below

 ***Normalizing the Acceptance of Rape.  Is this what society is doing?  Sounds like it. And that really makes me worry about my girls growing up in this world!

Here's some of my own images...I don't know what age or when or what I was wearing when Rick started touching me, and making me touch him. I've gone back through my old photos and I know thanks to a 2 year break in photos and from a published news article that I was 6years old when I told my Great Grandma. Look at these photos from my yearly childhood....was there anyway I was asking for it?? How could someone do that to a child? I don't care if I was 100% naked, a child is innocent...until that's taken away!

Then there's my older years....trying to go back in my mind, I don't know at what age Jim started the abuse, I know for sure it was when I went into puberty and he started measuring my boobs, but how did that happen? I don't remember. But from then on it was common place for anytime he was alone with me that I had to show him how I was changing, let him touch, measure, then “teach” me things. It didn't matter the season, or how I was dressed, it happened all the time. There wasn't just one outfit, it was in anything I wore.   

These were my school photos...

Have I made my point?  Clothing changes nothing.  I really hope people wake up and start to realize this!!

And just to make this even clearer... Men get raped.  They can be raped by women and they can by other men.  Sadly they have even a harder time talking about what happened to them.  Let me ask you a question, when a man is raped is it questioned what he was wearing?  Does a woman say he was asking for it by not wearing his shirt?  Or when one man rapes another man is it "I just couldn't contain myself, it gave me impure thoughts to see him everyday in the locker room and once I saw him nude I knew he was asking for it?" 

Really, do you see now?  Rape is about power, and control over another person.  It doesn't matter where they are or what they are wearing.

Help me spread this message, that no one wants to be raped! Clothing does not equal consent.  No means No no matter what! 

Support the victims and survivors (views on how society reacts)

I watch The View often and they've been talk a lot about "the Bill Cosby allegations" and how terrible it is for him to be accused of rape and how what if it's true and what if it's not.  I have to do a shout out to Rosie O - She's doing a great job talking and advocating for victims of sexual abuse - THANK YOU!!  She's handing out facts and I really want to applaud her for that.

I am really upset with the whole "I don't think he really did it," "The women are lieing," "I need proof,: and all that crap!  All those quotes and debate are hurtful, for me personally having been told (by Jim) that if I ever told anyone what he was doing that I wouldn't be believed
"who would believe a child with a past already over a respected community member with a good lawyer?" he would say.

I've had a few thoughts going on since they started talking about the "allegations" on TheView and now I'd like to share them with you...

1.) There is NOT always proof.  I wasn't raped - I was molested, touched, made to strip and sit naked for his view.  Yes, rape you can prove with a rape kit, but understand that not always do rape victims run right to get help - why? Because there's shame and guilt that society puts on them - fear and a multitude of other reasons.

2.) "Crying Wolf" - I don't see how any woman could lie about going through any sexual violence.  I know some have - I've heard of women lieing in custody battles and read Gone Girl where the female character framed an innocent man for rape (and more) but she was physco.  That all makes me so angry.  Every time someone cries wolf on something like that it hurts us all.  It sets what we are trying to do back so much because now that's what's in peoples minds how do we know she's telling the truth, there was that one woman who lied and they ruined an innocent man.  Don't LIE!  It really just end up hurting everyone else, we as women need to protect one another and crying wolf just places doubt in people's mind because with every time a woman lies about sexual violence towards her it makes them want more proof and as I just said, there is not always proof.

3.) Why is it that people assume that by telling your story that you are after your 15minutes of fame?? Really? Fame from rape (or whatever other abuse they've gone through)? No!  I believe the women telling their story about Bill Cosby are women just like me and they just want truth and they carried this around with them in shame and fear for years.
When I came out about Jim's abuse to me they asked if I wanted to sue or anything - No I didn't want his money nor do I want Rick's.  I knew when I moved out and spoke out about my abuse I'd lose my inheritance.  I gave up everything money wise to live a happy life where I wasn't the victim anymore.  Do you want to know what I "lost"? 1/4 million dollars inheritance, (Jim died about 2years after I moved out of the house), my own piece of land and house I was always told I'd inherit, a walk-in closet and my own bathroom in the house we were living in, college tuition (or so they always said they would pay at least)
Yeah I didn't get any of that - but I didn't (nor do I) want it! It was all tainted with dirty strings attached.  I gained so much more by moving out and even more with sharing my story.
Moving out I escaped the fear and dark depression I had.  I gained freedom and privacy.  I no longer had to worry about what I was going to deal with at home.  I gained safety, and LOVE.  Yeah I had to share a bedroom, no longer had a closet and had to share one bathroom with 5 other people, but I got the chance to be a kid (well teenager), have friends, sleepovers, and be happy.  and I stopped hurting.  I no longer wanted to cut or burn myself.
By sharing my story- it's a big release.  I had this ball of secretes, shame, fear of what people would think, all inside me and it tugged unknowingly at every part of me.  When I shared my story publicly it was like that ball loosened a bit and once I began to admit what I went through and talk more that ball kept unraveling and I gained confidence, I gained hope and strength and a dream or 2.  Enough about me....back to my thought about sexual abuse in the headlines....

4.) Why are the victims accused of being in the wrong here??  This one makes me mad.  I already wrote one blog about no matter what a person is wearing NO MEANS NO, so you know I'm not wasting my "breath" on repeating myself there answering the "well what was she wearing?" questions.  But it seems that there are so many other accusing questions and comments that come up
How'd you get yourself in this situation?
 She shouldn't have drunk so much! 
Were you leading him on?
Someone on the View on January 8th said something that struck out so good to me so I'm going to share...
If 26 people said they were mugged we wouldn't be asking if they were telling the truth or what they were wearing or how they let that happen to themselves, so why is it that that's what society does to sexual assault victims?
It's not right and this needs to change!
Before I move on to the next thing that has struck a cord I want to touch on the drinking and drugged part....
We can't shame women by blaming rape on them since they drank too much that night.  No.  Men and Women both drink to the point of black outs in movies, books, TV shows, and in real life.  I think it happens to everyone at least once.  I am NOT condoning excessive drinking - I'm just being honest.  I, personally, have been drunk, to the point of throwing up more times than I'd like to admit.  It took me a long time to learn my limit - and even after that there was a least one time that my drinks hit me harder than normal.
Just because a woman is under the influence of drugs or Alcohol  does not mean it's OK to take advantage of her - and she did not bring rape on herself by drinking.  Men need to be gentlemen and get her help.
If you have a drug or Alcohol  problem please seek help.

5.) "I can't believe he did it." Denial.
Just because someone is a son/husband/father/teacher/famous/wealthy or whatever word you want to insert here.  No matter what "he" is - does not mean that he didn't commit the crime he's accuse of.
Rick and Jim were both: fathers, sons, husbands, brothers, bus drivers, company owners, and well off.  Jim was also respected in the community and had political friends.  They both molested me.  5years of age or younger daughter to Rick, that didn't matter.  And Jim waited until I was older but I was his granddaughter.
I might have been their only victim....I don't know....but they still did it, it happened.

I did not watch the full interview with Katie Couric and Stephen Collins to hear all the details about what he did to young girls.  I liked watching 7th Heaven growing up - but just because he played a good father figure doesn't mean I don't believe what he said is true.Child molesters, rapest and those who fall anywhere in between are good actors - They know how to act "normal," they will fool everyone around them.  I know - I lived through it.  I've seen it! 
Bill Cosby was the "American Dad" - SO What?!?  That doesn't mean he didn't commit the crimes he's accused of.  not only that but that was a role he played.
I'm sorry to scare you - but the truth is, sadly, there are real monsters who live among us and you can't pick them out from the crowd unless you've been a victim at their hand.  You might think you know your boss, co-worker, neighbor, favorite actor, best friend, and even spouse - but do you really?  They can keep their secrets and fool everyone.

I hope that justice in some for comes about, I know there's statues of limitations but people have power and with the truth out there we can stand behind the victims and survivors and make a change!!

Links used in this blog for quick access:
The View
Rosie O against her Co Host on The View (advocating for and defending victims of abuse)
Gillian Flynn's website (author of the book Gone Girl which I mentioned)
Link to The Huffington Post with videos sharing the Women's stories
The full Episode of The View on January 8th on YouTube from which I got a lot of my inspiration behind this post
Katie Couric and Stephen Collins on Yahoo
Stephen Collins 20/20
7th Heaven on TV guide
CDC website with facts on sexual violence 

Take Back The Night 2014

April 30th was our local Take Back The Night, and as always it was emotional, informative and empowering.  The theme was Keep Calm and Talk About It which as you know is very important to me - not only for self healing but also to raise awareness.

This past year alone in one county, in PA, VIP has helped 88adult and 34children in cases of sexual assault!  The numbers are alarming - that was just ONE county in ONE state.

This year a specialist came in to talk to us about sex trafficking.  The numbers there also alarming and watching and learning how it's happening all over the country and even in small towns was scary.  I will be gathering more info and will post a future blog about it.

If you haven't yet gone to a Take Back The Night, I encourage you to find one near you (your local college or VIP should be able to have the information for you).

The survivors who spoke last night did a fantastic job!!  It's really neat to see how everyone heals and expresses themselves in their own way.  So powerful and strong they were!!  One sung a song, one wrote her story in a poem that tore at your heart, and one even made a video where she did make up and told her whole story of how she was raped at such a young age and how she overcame that.  Such strong women!!

Their stories and the event itself really makes me want to open my blog up to others to share so it would be like last year long.  But I will have to figure out how to do that... For now I'll leave you with my speech from last night, and a few images....

My turn to share

We live in a world where we don't want people to know our failures, our imperfections, or our discolored past.  When we talk about ourselves to other people or share things on social media we often portray our lives in the best light as we can.  I am very guilty of this.  Every year I write up a Christmas newsletter and tell our family and friends all that has happened in the past year trying to make things appear like we're doing fantastic, no matter what problems we're facing.

I try each year to get up and give an inspiring speech and try also to have an uplifting and inspiring blog...

I don't believe that people would be so inspired to know all the truth...that we struggle each month to make our bills, have been homeless, and that I often feel like a failure.  Well tonight, as I still hope to inspire and uplift, I'm going to tell you about my discolored past, my failures, and how imperfect I am. 

By the age of 25 you're suppose to have life figured out, aren't you??  Know who you are, what you want to do, and to be on your way to accomplishing something. Well that's not me.  In December I had a very hard time with this and struggled to find meaning in my life.

Last Spring, my family moved south to start a new and better life, so I thought, but all our plans failed and the week before Christmas my husband was laid off; for the New Year we were looking at being homeless.  This is not the was it's suppose to be once you have children. By now I should have graduated college, and bee well on my way to a successful career. 

I was told by my grandmother how I would amount to nothing.  I wasn't smart, and how fat I was.  That I was a liar, and no good for anything.  Growing up hearing this has ill effects on your view of yourself as you can imagine.  Every time I fail, I think back to her harsh words -- and I've failed a LOT.

Family can be cruel.  This I know only too well.  Family can sometimes inflict the worst pain.  You trust them to protect you, to love you, and to support you.  If you're lucky you will have family that does just that.  For me I've had family on both sides.  On the one side of my family I learned how o never trust anyone, that your own flesh and blood can betray you.  How a father who should be the one to always protect his baby girl could be the one to tell her something was right although it was wrong.  I was taught how everything has a price.  There was no support for dreams, instead they were crushed and I was put down time and time again.  Lucky for me I also had another side to my family...the family that was my rock and support is here tonight for me, they've shown me what it means to be a part of a family - to love and always be there for one another especially in dark times.  They've never once turned their back on me or said any foul words.

I've learned over the years that while you don't get to choose the family that gives birth to you, but you can chose the family you belong to.  It took me a long time to move out of my abusive home - but once I did I cut all ties with the family members who cause me such pain.

Unfortunately while I've left the people who hurt me behind, the scars that were cause by my past will always be on me.  They follow me around and never fully heal.Time has healed my physical scars so you can hardly see where I use to heat tweezers and burn my legs, but time hasn't erased my memories.  They will always be with me... in fact the more time that goes by, the older I get the more I worry.  I worry about my girls having to face this cruel world.  I want to hide them away so they will never know any pain - as a parent that is probably our biggest wish.

For me, I almost didn't have children because if both my father and grandfather could molest me then how could I ever trust someone else enough to have children with them? How could I take that chance?  I'm thankful everyday that I changed my mind and for my girls - they bring meaning to my life - but everyday I worry about them growing up, and I have flash back and pray that they will never go through what I did.  My memories will be a constant reminder that my worry is justified, and that is why it's important to stay calm and talk about my story with others.

I thought that after all  that I'd gone through in my first 17 years that I deserved a break and I'd prove everyone wrong by becoming something great.  But here I was, 25 and a failure!  I dropped out of college, not just once but twice.  I tried to have my own business not once, but twice, both of which didn't go successfully.

As we were preparing our move back north I told my husband one evening how I was feeling about everything.  He looked at me and said, "Life might be hard right now, things aren't going the way we planned, but never think yourself a failure.  Your grandparents on that evil side of your family were sick people.  You are great. You are a good mother to our two girls, look at them and how well you're taking care of them, and all the love they know.  You might not have any glamours job but not everyone is meant to have a fancy job.  And don't forget how close to your heart Take Back The Night is, I think you're doing great and meaningful things trying to inspire other survivors."  That is one of the reasons he is my husband.  He's shown me that there is good in the world, that I can talk about my past and share my pain with him.  He encourages me in all that I want to do, and supports me in not only speaking here each year but also writing my blog about overcoming my past as often as I can.  He also knows how to show me how my view of myself (when negative) is wrong.  He knows how to lift me up when I'm down.

Each year brings us hardships and blessings. Every person, even if they seem perfect to you, has their hard times, failures, and skeletons.  Each of us has our own scars and pain, but we each also have something special to bring to the world, you might not see it yet but it's there.  And each of you who share your past, you bring about awareness and hope for others.  Everyone here, just by being here (supporting us at TBTN rallies) you help to bring light to the darkness and encouragement to us all to speak out against abuse.

One more thing I want to share with you..

I have a poster set up full of comments of support and encouragement I've received about my blog that I want to share with each of you - because they aren't just for me, but for everyone who shares.  There's an image below but for those reading this check out this blog entry that also has all the comments in full that you can read.

My display at TBTN

While I've been told that I'm strong for talking about it - the truth is...that while I hope that my blog and talking here helps someone - it really helps me a lot, it's my own therapy.  Keep Calm and Talk about it.  It's really hard standing up here in front of people and sharing, and I remember how scared I was the first time I ever went to get help and having to talk about it - but after - my gosh it feels so good to get it all out!

It gets easier the more you do it - Stay Calm and Talk about It.  I've been speaking at or at least writing something for tonight - gosh I think 8 or 9 years now, it does get easier to speak, and it feels so good to get my thoughts, feelings, and story off my chest.  Oh I still have my secretes, details of my past that I have not yet shared - they weigh down on me - but I'm not yet ready to tell them - and that's OK, I think, because telling what I do helps immensely. 

Keep Calm and Talk about it and I think you'll feel a sense of freedom from it, I know I do.

No Justice

I'm sorry in advance.  I normally try to be positive and up lifting - but I don't think this post is going that way, but this is my story, and my feelings and I want them out there.

After finishing my last post I was left with having just relived all the feeling I had gone through during those years.  I was so Angry that Rick was, not just one the same farm as me, or road, but even that he was in the same state - and loose!!  I hated that he was free to go do whatever he wanted, although on paper he was to stay so many feet away from kids.

I know he went to jail - for a couple years, then was on parole, and now free...

Why?

How?

I don't get it!!

Because I kept my mouth shut about what Jim did for so long he never went to jail or anything before he died.  He lived the life he wanted until he died - because I was afraid of admitting to what had been going on.

I feel like there is no justice for the victim.  We are the ones most hurt here,  We are the ones that have to deal with the memories of what was done to us, or what we had to do.  We are the ones knowing that there is a limited amount of jail time for our abuser - and then they are out!  We are the one who have a hard time trusting anyone - for we know that people are capable of unspeakable things!  We are the ones who lost the wonder of childhood!!  Who learned about sex way before we should have.  We are the ones who have to deal with what we went through for the rest of our lives.  We are the ones who have to pay for therapy (if we can afford to do so...if not we're left to try to find comfort some other way).

So why is it that the abuser gets to go back to his/her life?!

I will never get my childhood back, yet Rick is back to working around school buses and doing whatever he wishes.  Jim never felt the weight of being convicted guilty over what he had done to me.  All I can hope for there is that there is some sort of God that will rule the ultimate Judgement for him (but then I'm not even sure that I believe in God...Heaven, Hell....a lot of teachings I just can't follow or believe in....but believing that there is some sort of ultimate Judgement is all that we have left)

Here's one more thing that just makes me so mad:

Why is it that the news covered that they were looking for Rick (image right) of a suspected rape of a 6 year old girl (I was only 6 - I didn't know the difference.  I said he put his "thing" into my "thing" when I finally told someone what was happening....I didn't realize the difference) But there was no follow up article telling how he had run to Canada, then came back and confessed to molesting me and had a jail sentence?  Why would you not follow up a wanted/looking for article with a Found/Convicted article??



One last bitter thought... Justice is something hard to bring to any victim.  But I think if we can't quarantine all sex offenders and murders in some Godforsaken part of the world to rot, then why can't we at least mark each one who has been convicted?  A big black forehead tattoo saying S.O.B. (Sex Offending Bastard) would do well.  Then at least everyone who has been convicted will have no way to hide it!!  Parents will be able to easily spot them and keep their kids away and other people can view them for the low lives they are!  Then there's no way for them to hurt anyone else again.
Sadly there will still be people out there because not everyone is convicted because sexually based crimes are very under reported.
But the marking would help!!

Why is it that if they were convicted before Megan's law they they don't go on Megan's List??
I don't care that Rick hasn't been charged since.  I don't think people change - not abusers.  I was his daughter - the one person in the world he should have never had any sexual thoughts about - a child non the less!
He took away my childhood innocence - his own daughter - what makes anyone think he wouldn't do it again to another??

I was a victim.  I am now a survivor - my past has not held me down - but I will always have my invisible scars that will haunt me.

Take the Step

I found this on Pinterest and fell in love with it because it's so true and inspiring.  The quote can be applied to any area of your life.
I think everyone should print the image or write out the quote and hang it in their office, on the fridge, or tape it to a diary.  Put it somewhere where you can see it everyday to remind you that it only takes one small step to make a change - move in the right direction - and you can change everything.

Change rarely happens overnight, it takes time, courage, strength, and a series of steps.
Some people make change by jumping steps with both feet, while others tentatively take small steps to get there - both will get there; both will do great because they each make the step in the right direction.
Le me use weight loss for an example...A person doesn't just wake up one morning being 50 pounds lighter, they have to take the first step towards weight loss to see a difference.
Person A might hire a personal trainer, and dramatically change their diet all in that first step, and keep going until they meet their goal.
Person B might have a harder time making such big changes so instead one day they might cut down on the amount of soda they drink, then they might trade a Big Mac for a burger they make at home and load with veggies, then they start going for a walk each day after work, and so on, and so on, making small changes until they realize they've done it.

Every step you take has an impact on your life.  In order to make it better, that step has to have meaning and go in the right direction.

I'm a mix of Person A and B, depending on what the change is.

Changing my life from an abusive house hold I was living in to the loving one I came to know more was hard.  I can admit that.  It took small steps and time and I was scared the whole way.

Compared to that first change in my life all others I'd jump at and they were easy compared to leaving my abusive home at the age of 16.  I've quite smoking 3 times, this last time did it and I haven't craved a cigarette in 2 years!  I did that cold turkey; I woke up one morning not liking the way I felt or the smell of smoke and decided to stop.  My husband had a harder time quitting and had to wean himself off the cancer sticks slowly.

It doesn't matter how you have to go about making a better path for yourself - just take the step!  Apply this to whatever area of your life you have/want to.

For those going through abuse - there is no better time than now to seek help and get out!!  For those who are working on overcoming your past - there is help.  Just keep placing one foot in front of the other.

I can still remember the steps I took to get out of my abusive home...

I believe I was in 10th grade when I learned that Rick was around our 15acer home - working with the buses, and helping build the new log home Jen and Jim were building.  My Uncle to whom I was close to, Slade, told me about Rick being around - only he wasn't suppose to, but he thought I had a right to know.  Slade asked me to promise to not tell anyone that he told me or even that I knew.  From then on I couldn't sleep well, and I really didn't feel safe.  I went to school one day and told my guidance counselor that Rick was around.  I don't remember the whole conversation but I was set up then with a counselor from.V.I.P. to deal with my emotional issues from Rick molesting me when I was a child.  At first I thought, "Ha! I don't have any emotional issues - that happened years ago! I'm fine! I just want this asshole to stay far, far away!!!"  Latter that week I met the lady from V.I.P and we met once a week until I graduated high school.
When I entered 11th grade we moved into the finished log home.  That's when I saw Rick out starting buses and once heard him in the house - Jen told me to stay in my room and not come out.  I was 16, I knew he was in the house talking to her, that she didn't want me to see him, and that she thought I was clueless.... At this time I started to get more help from VIP and my school counselors.  Children and Youth came to my school and told me they'd have to come to my home and interview me.  I'd have to tell them what was going on, only thing was that they asked me these questions including if I felt safe with Jen and Jim sitting at the table with me.  I was a coward and said that I was happy and safe there - not just once but twice!!
The kicker is that all this time Jim was abusing me as well - but I didn't tell anyone that until after I was out of the house.

The last time Children and Youth came out, Jen made me write a letter saying how I forgave Rick and felt safe.  I have the letter still and maybe another day I'll share it all on here.  I was smart and copied it word for word onto another piece of paper and took it to school with me.  I went straight to my counselor's office and gave it to her.  That is the point at which my life changed.  I spent the whole day with her.  We called lawyers, my mom, and other services, that night I didn't do the same as I had done so many times before but rather my mom picked me up and I went home with her - and started my life all over again.

All the steps I took were hard in their own way.  The first step, talking to the counsler, was the biggest because it helped me know that there was help and that I wasn't alone or totally damaged.  That step made such a difference in my life.  I learned to deal with everything and to seek help and it's the step that set in motion all the changes and that allowed me to get out of the abuse.

Whatever you're facing or wanting to accomplish, take the step forward.  It may be scary but it's worth it and you'll thank yourself in the end.  Best of wishes :)