TBTN 2019....Words

Words,

They are all around us.

We use them everyday without much thought.

These words, whether spoken, read or overheard have set definitions, yet, they all mean something different to each of us.

Some words impact us. 

They alter the way we view things, how we think, and how we feel.

They can have the impact of a speeding bullet. They hit us like a hard punch to the gut.  They leave us in pain and feeling vulnerable.

We all have our own negative words.

A painful memory attached to it.  Maybe a label you were given, something you heard over and over again.

I'll share some of mine with you:

Childhood: 

                That time of innocence in life when most learning and growth occurs.  But for me, childhood is that time in my life when I learned about betrayal (not that I knew that word then).  A time of abuse, guilt, shame and loneliness. 

The names linked to my abusers.  

The labels I heard many times:

     Fat.       

Stupid.

The words that I was told that stay with me....Words I'm constantly fighting against...

"You're too stupid to be a teacher."

"You're never going to amount to anything."

I had words to describe how I felt:
Alone
Shame
Embarrassed
Worthless
Abandoned
Used
Scared
Depressed
Suicidal
Useless
Abuse
Confused

The good news is that other words that surround us have a much different effect on us.
These words thaw us like an Indian Summer Day in the middle of a harsh winter.
They embrace us like a long needed hug from a best friend.
Their impact is like that of a delicate flower planted; something that has to be constantly watered and tended to or it will wither away...

I don't know why those negative words overpower the positive...that the negative is easier to believe.

We have to make the conscious decision to see, hear, find and believe the positive.

I have a small activity to help with this.
Grab two pieces of paper and a pen

On the first paper write a word or words that are negative to you.
I want you to now [aloud] read that list and take the power away from each word...
"I am not _____"
"I will not allow _____ to affect me"
And tear up the paper, tear apart each negative word.  Toss it in the fire, or the trash.

Now on the other paper write your positive words.
I want you to say them each out loud.  Acknowledge them. Affirm yourself with them

I'll share some of mine with you:

Smart/Books
I am smart.  I'm a voracious reader.  I enjoy learning and gaining new information.  I am happy to be surrounded by books full of possibilities.

Survivor.
I'm a survivor.

I'm going to side track for a moment and share a quick story that shows why this list of positive words is important.  Why these affirmations might help.

I was recently at an vent and was approached by an older couple and they talked about this and that what I was working on because I was writing.  I shared that I was trying to write children's books.  They asked what the books were about and I said kindness. Then the conversation got weird the guy asked about my past and what my parents thought of this, and where they were and as I tried to skirt these questions he kept insisting on asking about my parents, I finally said, "They aren't in my life."
The guy goes "Ya know, I could tell just by looking at you that you had a rough past, but ya know society, I couldn't just come out and tell you that."
That floored me.  Who says that to someone?  And just how did I "look like someone who had a rough past"?  I was dressed nice and volunteering my time at this event. Also you cannot tell who has gone through what just on how they look!  But I let that get to me, I felt like my "victim, abused" label was on the outside of me visible to the world.

Our labels aren't on the outside.  Labels are something that we have been told, called, or felt so many times that we then start to believe it.  I almost labeled myself victim again that day.  I was reminded of that confused 6 year old, the 9 year old who was told no to talk about it.  I learned to start saying "I don't know" to answer the other kids questions about why I didn't have a dad like everyone else; instead of saying he's in jail, because that wasn't allowed.  I was once again the 13 year old who desperately wanted to talk to someone, for someone to know what was going on inside my house - what my grandfather did when no one else was around.  I was that 15 year old again fighting to move out and not give up on life.

But you know what?  

I survived all that.  

 I fought and won my life.

I'm no longer the victim I was in my childhood and adolescences.  

I'm a survivor!

Now I have some word I want you to add to your positive list if they aren't already there.

Strong

Brave

Good Enough

Light

Strong:

We are each strong.  Look at what we've gone through.  Even being a supporter takes strength.  We have seen and gone through hell and survived and kept living.

Brave.

Each person who spoke tonight, 

Every person who has come forward and told someone what happened

Everyone who has said #metoo

Everyone who has taken a stand

and

Each person who got help - who had the strength to ask for help...

All those things takes extreme amounts of courage that someone who hasn't gone through it won't ever know how brave you are to do each thing.

Good Enough.

This is a hard one for me.  I never feel like I'm good enough.  I have failed many times, but I've been learning that failing and falling are part of success and that you only fail if you give up.  So I'm reminding myself [and each of you] 

that after all we've gone through we deserve to achieve our dreams.

You are good enough to go after your dreams.

You deserve to be happy, and to know happiness!

Light.

Odd word for the list, right?

Take Back the Night is about us standing together to heal, empower, and educate - 

together we are light.  

We are shining bright tonight.

We are shining light to anyone who many be in the dark,

going through dark times

we hope our stories reach them 

and give them light.

We are a beacon for those to come forward,

get help and heal.

We stand together tonight to be a light of hope for the future.

As I leave you tonight I want to leave you with this....

Words, they surround us.  Be careful which words you feed, which words you take in and which words you let out because...

Words have power

Words hurt

Words heal

Words Can EMPOWER

Embrace Your Voice: TBTN 2018

Take Back The Night is a powerful night that I'm mentioned in my blog before.  It's a night of healing, empowerment, sharing pain and sharing hope.  Every year the survivors get up and share their stories.  This year there was no keynote speaker, it was a night this year of just our stories.  There were women who got up in front of the crowd and shared for the first time of rape, molestation, domestic violence, pain, fear, and shame they were made to feel, and secrets they were told to keep.  Each of these speakers got up and ended their speech on such a strong and powerful note of hope, hope for others for healing, hope for others to get help, hope for a future starting today of no more shame on the victim.   I loved how each person gave the next hope.  That is what embracing your voice is about.

So now I'll share with you what I said... In purple I'm going to add some after thought notes just for those who are reading this and like it's my own journal what I would say:

I have these memories that I haven't shared. They are things I've kept bottled up because it's too hard to admit it happened.  But these memories I haven't shared, they come back to me vividly.  I think to myself , I was so young and there are so many things from my childhood I don't remember, how can I remember these things?  Why?  Why have they stayed in my mind when I don't want them there?

I remember a knock at the door, my father rushing me out of his bed and into the bathroom to hide.  "Shh, don't make a sound," and he left me to put back on my nightgown and stand there until he came back. He told me how no one could know about our special time.

I haven't shared that before.  I'm not sure if that's the first time I was told not to tell anyone but it's the earliest memory I have of being told not to say anything.  

When you're abused at a very young age you are taught that you have no voice.  Of course I wasn't mute, I spoke.  Just I knew, or rather was told - never to speak of the bad things.

At the age of 6 I told my great grandma what happened.  Not meaning to.  It was in a way only an innocent child could confess anything.  I remember drying off after a bath and saying, "Don't worry about the red there, it's probably just from when daddy touches me there.  He puts his thingie in my thing."

My life changed that night and I remember feeling guilty for tearing my family apart.  Things would never be the same again and it was my fault, because I said something.

Years later, many years later I'll realize how it wasn't my fault and how my family was already broken before I told everyone what happened.  Until I would realize this however, I'd carry the weight of that with me.  The kids at school asking why I lived with my grandparents, when it was time to tell about your family and I wouldn't say anything about a father.  "What about your dad?"  Kids would ask.

Which brings me to my next lesson of not speaking.  I didn't want to talk to others about what had happened, why I was different than the other kids, so I didn't.  Not until I was in 6th grade.  When I was making a friend and I told her why I didn't have a father; she told me about why she didn't too.  It was the first time someone had told me they had gone through much the same thing.  I was feeling a lot better knowing I wasn't the only one.  Until I got back home.  At this point in my life I was living with my paternal grandparents - the same ones who's son molested me.  The girl I confided in talked to her mom who talked to my grandparents who then had a talk to me.

  "Why would you share that info?  It's in the past.  You're not hurt!  Other kids will find out and you wouldn't want them to know.  She's probably going to go tell all the kids at school now what happened to you and you'll be the kid no one wants to be around."

At this point in school I already felt different than other kids.  I was a tomboy, didn't have many if any girl friends.  I was a loner, before I even knew what a loner was.  Now I felt for sure like everyone would know that I was dirty and something was wrong with me.

That was the last time I talked openly to anyone about what I'd gone through, for a couple years.  In high school I'd start getting counseling, discretely, in school.  I still didn't open up a whole lot.

My entire life, the only people who reacted poorly to my story - who told me to keep quiet, were my abusers.  I can say I am lucky for this, because I know there is a ton of victim blaming out there. -All I can say to those who make the victim feel bad for what happened, is shame on you for your lack of compassion and for digging at a wound of someone who is already hurt.  It is never the victim's fault! Everyone, EVERYONE, has the right to say NO!

I remember being questioned that..."Did you say no?" when I was making my report about my grandfather, once I finally admitted that Rick wasn't the only one to touch me. 

I went through puberty,  he'd measure my breast, teach me how to groom.  I don't remember if I said no at first, I doubt it.  No wasn't something we were allowed to say in that house.  I was uncomfortable as I grew and was made to undress.
He'd say "Let me play with your boobs if you want to go to the school dance."
"No"
"Why not?  Don't you want to go?"
"Well yeah"
 "Well then, it's not hurting anyone. Make an old man happy."

I was afraid of him too.  I'm not the only one he intimidated. I know he's made other adults cry at playing cards.  You didn't tell him no.  Over the years I would try to find a way to say no.  But I had no voice. Not in that house. Hell I didn't even have a voice when I had told my talked to Children and Youth and they said they needed to question me inside that house and as long as I told them I didn't feel safe they'd take me out...but I couldn't find my voice in front of Jen and Jim.  Twice I sat there and denied everything.  Of course this is before I confessed about Jim also being an abuser.  I was told after that had I talked about that it would have sped up the process of my getting out of that house.

From all my years of not being allowed to talk about my abuse, not standing up for myself, it took me a while to find my voice.  When I found out this years theme was Embrace Your Voice, it made me so happy.  I love the theme.  That is something I have done.  It's a very important step for all survivors to take, to embrace our voice and know that our abusers don't have the power to keep us silent.

I found my voice because of all the people who helped me heal.  Every person who I shared a part of my story with and I wasn't labeled or outcast-ed, I found my voice at Take Back The Night, each year as hard as it is to relive my past I've buried and to open up to a room full of people - most of which are strangers, I embrace my voice I found. I heal more. I gain my power back.  I am powerful with my voice.  I am not afraid to share my story; I use my voice to raise awareness.

Why is this night important?  Why are we saying "Embrace Your Voice"?
                                                 To Heal, Empower, and Educate

1. Tonight we heal, we are in a safe and supporting environment to listen to each other, share, and know we have help.
2. Empower.  We empower each other.  The people you brought with you cheer you one. We all cheer for you, and people you don't know come up at the end of the event and say "Good job" and Thank you for sharing. It takes a lot of courage to open up. Then to open up to a room full of people it takes even more, add to it how intimate this topic is and a microphone - yup You are strong!  We are here to empower each person that speaks.  And personally by telling my story I feel I give myself power back.  They don't have the power to keep me silent any more!
• There is another group we are empowering here tonight - the kids.  I was nervous the first few times bringing my daughters to Take Back the Night.  They shouldn't know about abuse. As parents we want to protect them from all the bad.  I've brought my girls with me almost every year I've spoken since they've been born.  There have been a couple years I'd have a sitter but they are usually here.  This year my oldest had a school concert tonight.  It fell on the same night, same time.  I asked her about the concert and told her it was the same night as that thing I spoke at last year.  You know what she said?  "Mommy you can listen to me sing anytime!  I want to go to your event."  Damn my kids are amazing.  Then a couple nights ago she asked if that same lady from last year would be speaking, "she had a sad story, a lot of bad things happened to her, that's sad, but she was so strong I like her."  I thought about it and I think I made the right choice in bringing them with me.  I am surrounding them with strong, powerful women.  We are empowering the next generation with our stories and knowledge that they will grow to know that these things happen but that we don't let them control us. That we say No, that we have a voice, and that there is always help.
3. Educate.  I have learned so much here over the years.  I have taken that knowledge each year and shared it with others.  And again I will point to our children, the ones that are here and the ones that we are around day to day, we need to educate them, and we are.  By embracing our voice and telling them about body safety.  We will raise boys that will become respectful men. We will raise strong girls who will grow to become respectful women who will know their worth, and not let anyone tell them different.  

To each of you sharing tonight (or any day) - come up here with your head held high, and embrace your voice.  When you leave here, keep your voice and use it!  We are listening.  We believe you!  And those who feel they have no voice - who are still in their cycle of abuse - who are afraid - who feel that they are alone - They all need your voice.  And I want them to know that they aren't alone, that it's not their fault, and that there is help.

So I'm going to ask you:

Are you ready to listen? 

Are you ready to stand up and say that sexual assault is a real issue?

Are you ready to embrace your voice?

Are you ready to cheer on each of these speakers?

I hope that this helps someone.  Yes, I speak each year because I take power back for myself by not keeping silent and living in fear of my abusers, but I share at TBTN and online in hopes that my story and links I share will help someone else.  There is help, and it's never too late to get help.  So I will leave you with some links and phone numbers that you can use or pass on to someone else.

Support for Survivors in PA

About the National Sexual Assault Hotline

 800.656.HOPE (4673)

Bad Days and taking the Power Back

We all have our bad days.  We have days when nothing seems to be going right, we have days where we are just depressed, and then sometimes we have a great start to our day and something happens and it ruins our mood.

Today, was one of the those days, a day I've been looking forward to and super excited about, had a great morning, and then someone said something and it got in my head and ruined that good mood I had.  Since then I allowed myself a breakdown and have been working on building up and getting my power back.

Let me share with you the whole story:

I jumped out of bed this morning, I've been busy all month long but I was looking forward to today!  My oldest went off to school while my little one and I got loaded up and went to the library, we met an author and had some really good conversations.
On my way home, I stopped to get gas and was approached by someone I had recently met while with my husband.  He came up to me with a wave and asked me what my first name was again. So I told him my first name, maybe people don't remember it or have a hard time processing that that's a real name.  Anyway he goes on and says "I thought I knew you from somewhere else did you grow up in Greentown?"
Close enough, my high school covered a large area so yeah I knew people from there even tho I lived about 40 minutes or so from there.  "Hawley area." I responded
"Oh your dad is Big Rick then?"
As you know from my post Names that his name is Rick so I responded with, "Yeah, I guess."
"He's a big guy." he goes on to puff out his arms to show large.
"I don't really know, he went to jail and I don't know him." I said.  I figured that was the easiest way out of this conversation I didn't want to be in any longer.  I don't know why I didn't just say "He's a convicted child molester so since he abused me I don't know him and don't want to associate with anyone who does.  Maybe it's because I was uncomfortable, I didn't know this person, and for all I know he could be thinking of someone else.
"Oh well my wife was so-and-so, You had a sister right?"
"I'm sorry I don't know, and I don't think so, but I gotta get going."

I drove off shaken.  It was such a odd conversation and make me feel so weird.  I continued on in a foggy mind of my own and then went home where I made lunch and finally confronted my issues and cried.  Now I'm writing my issues out...

I hate that I let that conversion affect me.  I hate that thinking about my abuse and abuser still sends fear, and a feeling of powerlessness over me.  What bothered me the most, I realized is that Rick is out there and doesn't have to be labeled, people can meet him and not know what is he or what he's done, that for all I know hell I could have a sister.  I sure as hell hope that's not the case, and I doubt it is, but that thought scares me.

I was mad that someone could talk about Rick (my abuser) like he was a normal person.  I feel that way a lot.  I've had people mention Jen and Jim to me before.  These people don't really know me and I always feel awkward.   I've even once had someone ask me how they were.
 I think that this feeling of anger and awkwardness at the mention of our abusers and hearing people talk about them as people is something that is common to us survivors.  We don't view them as people anymore.  Myself I wish they were gone, or that people saw them through my eyes.  I have mentioned before that I wish all pedophiles and rapist had to wear a label so they were dehumanized.  This might seem wrong, but in our shoes these people have failed at being a person.  They have failed those who had laid trust in their hands, they have failed at treating others as people.  We had become objects to them, objects they used and abused.  They made us feel like we were less than others therefore we (I) want them to feel that way and be viewed as such.  The problem with this is that as awful as their actions are/were they are still people, they are someone's brother (or sister- I think we forget that women can be abusers) they are were someone's friend, spouse, member of the church, they were/are someone who was/is known in the community, they are/were someone's son/daughter.

To show this I will use my own story, one that was told to me....
My Uncle and I had a couple heart to heat moments when he lived across the street from me when I lived with Jen and Jim.  I loved him, for all his flaws and troubles he had, I loved him.  I loved him because he didn't hold back from me when we were hanging out, he talked to me not as a child to be sheltered but as a person.  He is the one that told me when Rick was back around our farm, and told me that that was why sometimes Jen would do the chores for me.  He had my respect for having told me this info that I wasn't to know.  He made me aware of a situation, I kept my eyes open, I had trouble sleeping at night, but I knew.  Anyway back to his story...
He told me of the night he learned about what had happened to me.  "Rick told me that you had been touched and there was an investigation.  I grabbed my gun and said 'Let's go kill this guy' and started to head out for the truck, when Rick stopped him and said "That guy is me."  Rick was his brother.  He said he and thought about shooting him, even started to raise the gun.  But he couldn't.  He told me it messed with his head.  He dropped out (or failed) college and got even heaver into drugs then he had been. 

Rick had been a brother, a son, a business partner, and known in the community.  I've shared before how Jen blamed and viewed me as the person who's fault it was that her son went to jail.

Anyway back to my story today....With all these thoughts in my mind I was a bit of a mess.  Then I thought to a workshop I'd recently went to that was Taking Back Your Power, this workshop was not at all dealing with sexual abuse or anything of the sort.  It was breathing and taking back your classroom of those students who have negative behavior and changing to positive.  During this workshop the instructor told us how our past experiences reflect onto words others say so we make those words have different meanings than they have.  His theory is "No one can make you upset; you choice to be upset."  I did not like this theory.  As much as I didn't like this theory I kept thinking about it today... I let this ONE thing effect my whole day.  I was in a GREAT mood before, then from that one conversation my mind went to the negative and settled there.  I LET my mood and day be altered.  So I started to re think the conversation, that guy I don't know, probably doesn't know me.  Rick is a common name, he could have been thinking of someone totally different.  Because of my bad experience I related my experience to the words he was saying and they very well could have had not a damn thing to do with me.  Also I had just stepped back into victim, I felt powerless.  I am not powerless, I am in charge of my life, and I take my power back every time I speak out against abuse, each time I tell someone you are not alone, and I take a hell of a lot of power back when I speak and share my story.  They can't keep you down when you don't keep quiet.  I could have switched that whole conversation around by saying "Richard Davis?  He is a convicted child molester, and of no relation to me, (say that because I don't want to be related, we can't chose biology but we can chose who we claim) and if you are friends with him you can get the hell away from me because someone who takes advantage of children is no longer a person in my eyes."  Had I approached the question from that direction it would have cleared up exactly who he was talking about and given me all the power making known what Rick did and the type of "person" he is.

So I started to think about that...then from the same instructor I did some breathing and decided that nothing about me changed today...I was doing great, so now I needed to work through this and move on.  I thought it over, I could have said "no" when I was asked about "my dad" because I don't have one, Rick is dead to me, while he isn't in reality I have moved on and I have a good life. 

So for anyone who is having a bad day allow yourself to have a break down, we all need to yell, vent, and cry at times.  We also need to laugh, smile, and enjoy life.  So we need to go from break down to moving forward...
1. acknowledge how you are feeling, and why
2. let it out (yell, cry, vent, write, whatever it is that is going to get it all out of you)
3. breath (I will post some links at the bottom if you're interested in focused breathing)
4. acknowledge the positive in your life (make a list if you want)
5. go do something that will make you feel more like you and start feeling better
6. one foot in front of the other, from doing that one thing in step 5, do another or something that is on your to-do list

I wish you all healing.

Some links you might find of interest:
The instructor that I mentioned above, he did 2 amazing workshops which I learned a ton from, about breathing, movement, and he has a Breaking the Bullying Circle which is important, for more info about him and his programs visit: www.ronspeak.com

Take deep belly breathing breaths with this video to help calm and center yourself

Journal page to help you recognize the good stuff

One small thing...to make a difference

I was thinking about my last post...Help Raise Awareness and I thought of one small thing everyone can do to make a difference, to raise awareness, to help someone.

Right now there is a child who is afraid to go home, of what awaits them there, will they be able to sleep tonight without being woken or touched?
There is a girl who is afraid of telling anyone that she was raped...
There is a boy who is struggling to get help because no one talks about how sexual assault can happen to boys as well....
Right now there is someone who is thinking about killing themselves because of what has happened to them
Right now someone is trying to drink away their pain, someone else is using a needle to try to escape reality
Right now there is so many suffering from past abuses, because it's hard to talk about, it's hard to admit what happened
Right now there are so many who are suffering abuse....

YOU can help them!
It's a small thing that I ask....but I think it can make a difference.

Change your profile photos and flood social medias with a post, image, quote saying "you are not alone"

You can take your own, use one of mine below, or search the web for something else...

I will take more and share them on here.  I will also be posting on Instagram and Tumblr.   

Let us see how many people we can reach!

One small change for the next 48 hours.... we can make a difference!!

Self Harm - do this instead

I saw this post on facebook and had to share!  I use to burn myself, cut sometimes but never deep, I was numb to life and the pain of it was a release for me a release of anger and hurt.  I really hope this helps someone.  Keep your head up, Stay Strong, it takes time but life will get better, and please seek help if you need it!!

Others who are speaking out

As I hope you know by now, my blog here is to help other victims, and survivors of abuse.  I want to raise awareness and help others.  This blog is my own way of healing, it's therapy for me, but I've been finding more inspiration, hope, encouraging words and seeing other people's stories now and I'm so happy that other's are sharing, that they are always out to help support survivors and encourage victims to get help and that there is a brighter future.  I want to share with you links to these pages and I hope that they all help you!

A wonderful person to follow on Instagram, she's such an inspiring and intelligent young woman and is always posting something about awareness, something to inspire and lift, and shares her story.  I love following her and seeing the great work she does.  Check out her Instagram and follow her here: http://instagram.com/nomoresexualassault/

***Note to @nomoresexualassault Thank you so much for all you've been doing <3 Keep up the great work!!

There are many others on Instagram also working to raise awareness here are a couple more that I follow and think are so great (I'm sure there are many more that I don't know about yet...please comment them below so that I can follow them)

http://instagram.com/themotivatedmother  Thank you for your wonderful post, they are so powerful!  

http://instagram.com/mettlechild   There's only 6 post on this page, but I'm hoping for more and I think they will do great things!

http://instagram.com/ladyvivienrose  Thank you.  There's some strong images and quotes on LadyVivenRose's instagram, wonderful job!!

This next website had an ad in this year's Superbowl! I thought it was great! I just found their page thanks to the instagram and they have a great message about speaking out and ending abuse http://nomore.org/

Here is a website and blog where this woman shares how she Overcame Sexual Abuse, very inspiring and powerful, if you need more reason to check out this site she has a badge on there of being one of the 2013 Top Ten Abuse Survivor Sites by GoodThreapy.Org  http://overcomingsexualabuse.com/

http://survivorstothrivers.com/  This is such a wonderful site!  It has something for everyone who needs support, encouragement, inspiration, facts.  This is one you will want to bookmark!

As always I find a lot of positive messages, quotes, images, and inspiration from Pinterest

I hope this helps and that you all check out the links I gave you.  Feel free to comment more or send me a private email with the link  mystory2share2@gmail.com


More to Follow on Instagram:
ambertheactivist
andthenshespokeup
casacgs
poeticchurch
WC_Respect
projectemancipation

(sorry I didn't put links to them in but they should come up in "search"

Happy Valentines Day *Love yourself * Love others *Love Life

Happy Valentine's Day,
I hope everyone is having a wonderful day and either getting spoiled by someone, or spoiling yourself!  Love should be in the air everyday...and it starts with yourself.  We have today to celebrate love, and according to ads and TV, and cards and all that crap you have to be with someone and celebrate your relationship....that's not what it's all about,,,,it's about celebrating love.

Self Love

Family Love

Love of Friends

Love of Life

We have a day that celebrates Mothers, and Fathers, and giving Thanks, and for our freedom...today let's remember what love means.  And not just in a relationship but in our everyday lives.

If you've lost sight of this or are alone and sad today here are some images I found on Google that I hope help.

For your bad days

Everyone has bad days...those days when you're mind is in a dark place, when you can't push the thoughts away, when you feel like you're falling apart and the pieces will leave scares for all to notice.
I can't fix this, no one can take the memories away, but I saw this on nomoresexualassault Instagram and I hope that it helps.

On those bad days, when you feel lost and alone, pull this up and know that you are not alone.  There are so many others out there that know how you feel that have been in your shoes, and there are a lot out there suffering in silence.
Let's break that silence.  Share this image with everyone so that they know that they are not alone.

Things will get better.  Life does get better.  There is GOOD in this world.

Please seek help if you need it!!

And if you're sharing your story, and posting quotes and images like this one...THANK YOU!  Thank you so much for all that you're doing to help victims and survivors and raising awareness.  You are truly a ray of sunlight with the word hope in it, you brighten the dark places, ease some of the pain.  You are inspiring, and strong, and helping more than we could tell you.

Take Back The Night 2014

April 30th was our local Take Back The Night, and as always it was emotional, informative and empowering.  The theme was Keep Calm and Talk About It which as you know is very important to me - not only for self healing but also to raise awareness.

This past year alone in one county, in PA, VIP has helped 88adult and 34children in cases of sexual assault!  The numbers are alarming - that was just ONE county in ONE state.

This year a specialist came in to talk to us about sex trafficking.  The numbers there also alarming and watching and learning how it's happening all over the country and even in small towns was scary.  I will be gathering more info and will post a future blog about it.

If you haven't yet gone to a Take Back The Night, I encourage you to find one near you (your local college or VIP should be able to have the information for you).

The survivors who spoke last night did a fantastic job!!  It's really neat to see how everyone heals and expresses themselves in their own way.  So powerful and strong they were!!  One sung a song, one wrote her story in a poem that tore at your heart, and one even made a video where she did make up and told her whole story of how she was raped at such a young age and how she overcame that.  Such strong women!!

Their stories and the event itself really makes me want to open my blog up to others to share so it would be like last year long.  But I will have to figure out how to do that... For now I'll leave you with my speech from last night, and a few images....

My turn to share

We live in a world where we don't want people to know our failures, our imperfections, or our discolored past.  When we talk about ourselves to other people or share things on social media we often portray our lives in the best light as we can.  I am very guilty of this.  Every year I write up a Christmas newsletter and tell our family and friends all that has happened in the past year trying to make things appear like we're doing fantastic, no matter what problems we're facing.

I try each year to get up and give an inspiring speech and try also to have an uplifting and inspiring blog...

I don't believe that people would be so inspired to know all the truth...that we struggle each month to make our bills, have been homeless, and that I often feel like a failure.  Well tonight, as I still hope to inspire and uplift, I'm going to tell you about my discolored past, my failures, and how imperfect I am. 

By the age of 25 you're suppose to have life figured out, aren't you??  Know who you are, what you want to do, and to be on your way to accomplishing something. Well that's not me.  In December I had a very hard time with this and struggled to find meaning in my life.

Last Spring, my family moved south to start a new and better life, so I thought, but all our plans failed and the week before Christmas my husband was laid off; for the New Year we were looking at being homeless.  This is not the was it's suppose to be once you have children. By now I should have graduated college, and bee well on my way to a successful career. 

I was told by my grandmother how I would amount to nothing.  I wasn't smart, and how fat I was.  That I was a liar, and no good for anything.  Growing up hearing this has ill effects on your view of yourself as you can imagine.  Every time I fail, I think back to her harsh words -- and I've failed a LOT.

Family can be cruel.  This I know only too well.  Family can sometimes inflict the worst pain.  You trust them to protect you, to love you, and to support you.  If you're lucky you will have family that does just that.  For me I've had family on both sides.  On the one side of my family I learned how o never trust anyone, that your own flesh and blood can betray you.  How a father who should be the one to always protect his baby girl could be the one to tell her something was right although it was wrong.  I was taught how everything has a price.  There was no support for dreams, instead they were crushed and I was put down time and time again.  Lucky for me I also had another side to my family...the family that was my rock and support is here tonight for me, they've shown me what it means to be a part of a family - to love and always be there for one another especially in dark times.  They've never once turned their back on me or said any foul words.

I've learned over the years that while you don't get to choose the family that gives birth to you, but you can chose the family you belong to.  It took me a long time to move out of my abusive home - but once I did I cut all ties with the family members who cause me such pain.

Unfortunately while I've left the people who hurt me behind, the scars that were cause by my past will always be on me.  They follow me around and never fully heal.Time has healed my physical scars so you can hardly see where I use to heat tweezers and burn my legs, but time hasn't erased my memories.  They will always be with me... in fact the more time that goes by, the older I get the more I worry.  I worry about my girls having to face this cruel world.  I want to hide them away so they will never know any pain - as a parent that is probably our biggest wish.

For me, I almost didn't have children because if both my father and grandfather could molest me then how could I ever trust someone else enough to have children with them? How could I take that chance?  I'm thankful everyday that I changed my mind and for my girls - they bring meaning to my life - but everyday I worry about them growing up, and I have flash back and pray that they will never go through what I did.  My memories will be a constant reminder that my worry is justified, and that is why it's important to stay calm and talk about my story with others.

I thought that after all  that I'd gone through in my first 17 years that I deserved a break and I'd prove everyone wrong by becoming something great.  But here I was, 25 and a failure!  I dropped out of college, not just once but twice.  I tried to have my own business not once, but twice, both of which didn't go successfully.

As we were preparing our move back north I told my husband one evening how I was feeling about everything.  He looked at me and said, "Life might be hard right now, things aren't going the way we planned, but never think yourself a failure.  Your grandparents on that evil side of your family were sick people.  You are great. You are a good mother to our two girls, look at them and how well you're taking care of them, and all the love they know.  You might not have any glamours job but not everyone is meant to have a fancy job.  And don't forget how close to your heart Take Back The Night is, I think you're doing great and meaningful things trying to inspire other survivors."  That is one of the reasons he is my husband.  He's shown me that there is good in the world, that I can talk about my past and share my pain with him.  He encourages me in all that I want to do, and supports me in not only speaking here each year but also writing my blog about overcoming my past as often as I can.  He also knows how to show me how my view of myself (when negative) is wrong.  He knows how to lift me up when I'm down.

Each year brings us hardships and blessings. Every person, even if they seem perfect to you, has their hard times, failures, and skeletons.  Each of us has our own scars and pain, but we each also have something special to bring to the world, you might not see it yet but it's there.  And each of you who share your past, you bring about awareness and hope for others.  Everyone here, just by being here (supporting us at TBTN rallies) you help to bring light to the darkness and encouragement to us all to speak out against abuse.

One more thing I want to share with you..

I have a poster set up full of comments of support and encouragement I've received about my blog that I want to share with each of you - because they aren't just for me, but for everyone who shares.  There's an image below but for those reading this check out this blog entry that also has all the comments in full that you can read.

My display at TBTN

While I've been told that I'm strong for talking about it - the truth is...that while I hope that my blog and talking here helps someone - it really helps me a lot, it's my own therapy.  Keep Calm and Talk about it.  It's really hard standing up here in front of people and sharing, and I remember how scared I was the first time I ever went to get help and having to talk about it - but after - my gosh it feels so good to get it all out!

It gets easier the more you do it - Stay Calm and Talk about It.  I've been speaking at or at least writing something for tonight - gosh I think 8 or 9 years now, it does get easier to speak, and it feels so good to get my thoughts, feelings, and story off my chest.  Oh I still have my secretes, details of my past that I have not yet shared - they weigh down on me - but I'm not yet ready to tell them - and that's OK, I think, because telling what I do helps immensely. 

Keep Calm and Talk about it and I think you'll feel a sense of freedom from it, I know I do.

Take the Step

I found this on Pinterest and fell in love with it because it's so true and inspiring.  The quote can be applied to any area of your life.
I think everyone should print the image or write out the quote and hang it in their office, on the fridge, or tape it to a diary.  Put it somewhere where you can see it everyday to remind you that it only takes one small step to make a change - move in the right direction - and you can change everything.

Change rarely happens overnight, it takes time, courage, strength, and a series of steps.
Some people make change by jumping steps with both feet, while others tentatively take small steps to get there - both will get there; both will do great because they each make the step in the right direction.
Le me use weight loss for an example...A person doesn't just wake up one morning being 50 pounds lighter, they have to take the first step towards weight loss to see a difference.
Person A might hire a personal trainer, and dramatically change their diet all in that first step, and keep going until they meet their goal.
Person B might have a harder time making such big changes so instead one day they might cut down on the amount of soda they drink, then they might trade a Big Mac for a burger they make at home and load with veggies, then they start going for a walk each day after work, and so on, and so on, making small changes until they realize they've done it.

Every step you take has an impact on your life.  In order to make it better, that step has to have meaning and go in the right direction.

I'm a mix of Person A and B, depending on what the change is.

Changing my life from an abusive house hold I was living in to the loving one I came to know more was hard.  I can admit that.  It took small steps and time and I was scared the whole way.

Compared to that first change in my life all others I'd jump at and they were easy compared to leaving my abusive home at the age of 16.  I've quite smoking 3 times, this last time did it and I haven't craved a cigarette in 2 years!  I did that cold turkey; I woke up one morning not liking the way I felt or the smell of smoke and decided to stop.  My husband had a harder time quitting and had to wean himself off the cancer sticks slowly.

It doesn't matter how you have to go about making a better path for yourself - just take the step!  Apply this to whatever area of your life you have/want to.

For those going through abuse - there is no better time than now to seek help and get out!!  For those who are working on overcoming your past - there is help.  Just keep placing one foot in front of the other.

I can still remember the steps I took to get out of my abusive home...

I believe I was in 10th grade when I learned that Rick was around our 15acer home - working with the buses, and helping build the new log home Jen and Jim were building.  My Uncle to whom I was close to, Slade, told me about Rick being around - only he wasn't suppose to, but he thought I had a right to know.  Slade asked me to promise to not tell anyone that he told me or even that I knew.  From then on I couldn't sleep well, and I really didn't feel safe.  I went to school one day and told my guidance counselor that Rick was around.  I don't remember the whole conversation but I was set up then with a counselor from.V.I.P. to deal with my emotional issues from Rick molesting me when I was a child.  At first I thought, "Ha! I don't have any emotional issues - that happened years ago! I'm fine! I just want this asshole to stay far, far away!!!"  Latter that week I met the lady from V.I.P and we met once a week until I graduated high school.
When I entered 11th grade we moved into the finished log home.  That's when I saw Rick out starting buses and once heard him in the house - Jen told me to stay in my room and not come out.  I was 16, I knew he was in the house talking to her, that she didn't want me to see him, and that she thought I was clueless.... At this time I started to get more help from VIP and my school counselors.  Children and Youth came to my school and told me they'd have to come to my home and interview me.  I'd have to tell them what was going on, only thing was that they asked me these questions including if I felt safe with Jen and Jim sitting at the table with me.  I was a coward and said that I was happy and safe there - not just once but twice!!
The kicker is that all this time Jim was abusing me as well - but I didn't tell anyone that until after I was out of the house.

The last time Children and Youth came out, Jen made me write a letter saying how I forgave Rick and felt safe.  I have the letter still and maybe another day I'll share it all on here.  I was smart and copied it word for word onto another piece of paper and took it to school with me.  I went straight to my counselor's office and gave it to her.  That is the point at which my life changed.  I spent the whole day with her.  We called lawyers, my mom, and other services, that night I didn't do the same as I had done so many times before but rather my mom picked me up and I went home with her - and started my life all over again.

All the steps I took were hard in their own way.  The first step, talking to the counsler, was the biggest because it helped me know that there was help and that I wasn't alone or totally damaged.  That step made such a difference in my life.  I learned to deal with everything and to seek help and it's the step that set in motion all the changes and that allowed me to get out of the abuse.

Whatever you're facing or wanting to accomplish, take the step forward.  It may be scary but it's worth it and you'll thank yourself in the end.  Best of wishes :)

Words of Support...

Last week a post I had written in August was shared on Facebook by someone to a group about one of the schools that has Davis Buses.  The post was shared a bunch and all the comments I saw were so full of reassurance that I had done the right thing and full of praise that I was close to tears reading what everyone had said.

I wish I had had all those comments and known that so many people would have stood behind me back when I was in school going through everything.  Back then I was living with a dark secrete that I was told to never talk about because according to Gen and Jim "People would think poorly of me.  Kids in shool would pick on me.  And, why would I want to tell anyone what happened, it's in the past!"

In the past it might be but I haven't forgotten...in some ways I wish I could...but it will always be with me.  And when the abuser is still alive and not just them but you know the ugly truth that not everyone can be trusted so once you have kids you'll do anything to look out for them and protect them.

When I was younger I felt like Gen and Jim ruled the world and that I was small and insingifanct.  I didn't want to get picked on, or yelled at for telling anyone - so it was years that I kept the secrete.  Finally talking about it was really hard for me - but it's gotten easier over the years, and now that I've opened up I realized it wasn't me they were worried for but themselves.
Maybe that's why speaking out about what happened to me and sharing the comments of support from others below is so important to me.  I hated the way I felt growing up and I don't think anyone should have to feel that way.  I also want to bring hope to those who have gone through abuse and to those who are being abused.  The victims currently being suppressed are the ones who need the words of encouragement the most - they need to know that they have support to come forward and to get help - and that they won't be picked on -it takes a lot of strength to get help - to stand up against those who have done such harm to you.

So now I'll share all the comments I saw with you in hopes that others who need the support and a reminder that stepping forward to get help, and shareing their story with others is a good thing.  **Note: if you're a male survivor or victim reading this please just adjust the words so that they fit you**

"I truly admire your bravery.  I wish more parents would see it."

"Keep your head up, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by the amount of support you get/have."

"I am so proud of what a strong and brave young lady you have grown into."

"Giving those names means they have no hold on you anymore.. Letting the public know who did this is a protection for the public.. Those awful people do not deserve to remain anonymous.. You owe them no loyalty, they owe you everything.Personally I think you should sue them all for what they did to you..." 

 "I'm very proud of you!! You just made such a difference to so many, survivors, victims and future victims of abuse...it takes a strong person to STAND UP!! Hold your head high!! Not many can do what you did, what NEEDS to be done...If this helped only 1 person (I'm sure it has helped more just in knowing they are not alone in whatever abuse they have been through or are going through...and may give them the same Courage you have shown...)  May the Rest of your Life be filled with Peace and Happiness"

"Takes a lot of balls to face your past and share it with the public.  You are a strong girl!!"

"What happened is disgusting.  I am so happy to see that those horrible people did not prevent you from growing into a beautiful strong and courageous woman and loving mother.  Thank you for sharing your story and giving hope and encouragement to other victims of abuse."

"I am happy you feel strong enough to now tell your story.  Your past has not prevented you from becoming a strong woman.  I remember some of the abuse by your grandfather and even when I had to call him to stand up for you I remember how intimated he made me feel.  So happy to see your strength!"

"There is freedom in the truth. If your story helps just one other person then truth has won once again.  Hold that in your heart and know that God understands and surly has a place for you."

"Wow, very courageous of this girl to share the name of her childhood molester...hope she inspires others.

"Thank you for sharing your story.  You are an inspiration!!"

"You are a very brave person.  Best of luck to you."

"Very brave person, indeed.  You should never feel ashamed - Thank you for sharing your story and being a strong person."

"Thank you for your contribution to bring awareness!"

"I think it is a wonderful thing that you are doing by speaking out about what has been done to you and I feel it is a very good thing that you are not hiding the facts about who did it.  It is time that the abuser stop being protected.  It is time that people know what they are really like."  

"I'm so happy for you, not happy that you went through that, but you are a blessing to all that know you.  You are one strong woman.  Keep telling your story we all need it, more for the ones going through it. God Bless You.  You might not think you are, you sure area hero to us.  Also you teaching us all what ever bad things that happened to any of us if we want a better life you got to work at it.  We don't have to be victim or a pawn of hurt and scared for life.  Thank you for who you became.  You could have had closed the doors and hid and not walked in love, after all you faced you still found love." 

" I read her story and was very impressed with her strength and courage to not let that those horrible people control her life. As far as her telling their names, too bad for them! They did something horrible to an innocent child, they deserved to be shamed in public." 

"That's great that you're taking this and turning it into something positive. I had heard rumors of this but had NO idea who the family was and the post was brought to my attention."