Take Back The Night is a powerful night that I'm mentioned in my blog before. It's a night of healing, empowerment, sharing pain and sharing hope. Every year the survivors get up and share their stories. This year there was no keynote speaker, it was a night this year of just our stories. There were women who got up in front of the crowd and shared for the first time of rape, molestation, domestic violence, pain, fear, and shame they were made to feel, and secrets they were told to keep. Each of these speakers got up and ended their speech on such a strong and powerful note of hope, hope for others for healing, hope for others to get help, hope for a future starting today of no more shame on the victim. I loved how each person gave the next hope. That is what embracing your voice is about.
So now I'll share with you what I said... In purple I'm going to add some after thought notes just for those who are reading this and like it's my own journal what I would say:
I have these memories that I haven't shared. They are things I've kept bottled up because it's too hard to admit it happened. But these memories I haven't shared, they come back to me vividly. I think to myself , I was so young and there are so many things from my childhood I don't remember, how can I remember these things? Why? Why have they stayed in my mind when I don't want them there?
I remember a knock at the door, my father rushing me out of his bed and into the bathroom to hide. "Shh, don't make a sound," and he left me to put back on my nightgown and stand there until he came back. He told me how no one could know about our special time.
I haven't shared that before. I'm not sure if that's the first time I was told not to tell anyone but it's the earliest memory I have of being told not to say anything.
When you're abused at a very young age you are taught that you have no voice. Of course I wasn't mute, I spoke. Just I knew, or rather was told - never to speak of the bad things.
At the age of 6 I told my great grandma what happened. Not meaning to. It was in a way only an innocent child could confess anything. I remember drying off after a bath and saying, "Don't worry about the red there, it's probably just from when daddy touches me there. He puts his thingie in my thing."
My life changed that night and I remember feeling guilty for tearing my family apart. Things would never be the same again and it was my fault, because I said something.
Years later, many years later I'll realize how it wasn't my fault and how my family was already broken before I told everyone what happened. Until I would realize this however, I'd carry the weight of that with me. The kids at school asking why I lived with my grandparents, when it was time to tell about your family and I wouldn't say anything about a father. "What about your dad?" Kids would ask.
Which brings me to my next lesson of not speaking. I didn't want to talk to others about what had happened, why I was different than the other kids, so I didn't. Not until I was in 6th grade. When I was making a friend and I told her why I didn't have a father; she told me about why she didn't too. It was the first time someone had told me they had gone through much the same thing. I was feeling a lot better knowing I wasn't the only one. Until I got back home. At this point in my life I was living with my paternal grandparents - the same ones who's son molested me. The girl I confided in talked to her mom who talked to my grandparents who then had a talk to me.
"Why would you share that info? It's in the past. You're not hurt! Other kids will find out and you wouldn't want them to know. She's probably going to go tell all the kids at school now what happened to you and you'll be the kid no one wants to be around."
At this point in school I already felt different than other kids. I was a tomboy, didn't have many if any girl friends. I was a loner, before I even knew what a loner was. Now I felt for sure like everyone would know that I was dirty and something was wrong with me.
That was the last time I talked openly to anyone about what I'd gone through, for a couple years. In high school I'd start getting counseling, discretely, in school. I still didn't open up a whole lot.
My entire life, the only people who reacted poorly to my story - who told me to keep quiet, were my abusers. I can say I am lucky for this, because I know there is a ton of victim blaming out there. -All I can say to those who make the victim feel bad for what happened, is shame on you for your lack of compassion and for digging at a wound of someone who is already hurt. It is never the victim's fault! Everyone, EVERYONE, has the right to say NO!
I remember being questioned that..."Did you say no?" when I was making my report about my grandfather, once I finally admitted that Rick wasn't the only one to touch me.
I went through puberty, he'd measure my breast, teach me how to groom. I don't remember if I said no at first, I doubt it. No wasn't something we were allowed to say in that house. I was uncomfortable as I grew and was made to undress.
He'd say "Let me play with your boobs if you want to go to the school dance."
"No"
"Why not? Don't you want to go?"
"Well yeah"
"Well then, it's not hurting anyone. Make an old man happy."
He'd say "Let me play with your boobs if you want to go to the school dance."
"No"
"Why not? Don't you want to go?"
"Well yeah"
"Well then, it's not hurting anyone. Make an old man happy."
I was afraid of him too. I'm not the only one he intimidated. I know he's made other adults cry at playing cards. You didn't tell him no. Over the years I would try to find a way to say no. But I had no voice. Not in that house. Hell I didn't even have a voice when I had told my talked to Children and Youth and they said they needed to question me inside that house and as long as I told them I didn't feel safe they'd take me out...but I couldn't find my voice in front of Jen and Jim. Twice I sat there and denied everything. Of course this is before I confessed about Jim also being an abuser. I was told after that had I talked about that it would have sped up the process of my getting out of that house.
From all my years of not being allowed to talk about my abuse, not standing up for myself, it took me a while to find my voice. When I found out this years theme was Embrace Your Voice, it made me so happy. I love the theme. That is something I have done. It's a very important step for all survivors to take, to embrace our voice and know that our abusers don't have the power to keep us silent.
I found my voice because of all the people who helped me heal. Every person who I shared a part of my story with and I wasn't labeled or outcast-ed, I found my voice at Take Back The Night, each year as hard as it is to relive my past I've buried and to open up to a room full of people - most of which are strangers, I embrace my voice I found. I heal more. I gain my power back. I am powerful with my voice. I am not afraid to share my story; I use my voice to raise awareness.
Why is this night important? Why are we saying "Embrace Your Voice"?
To Heal, Empower, and Educate
To Heal, Empower, and Educate
- Tonight we heal, we are in a safe and supporting environment to listen to each other, share, and know we have help.
- Empower. We empower each other. The people you brought with you cheer you one. We all cheer for you, and people you don't know come up at the end of the event and say "Good job" and Thank you for sharing. It takes a lot of courage to open up. Then to open up to a room full of people it takes even more, add to it how intimate this topic is and a microphone - yup You are strong! We are here to empower each person that speaks. And personally by telling my story I feel I give myself power back. They don't have the power to keep me silent any more!
- There is another group we are empowering here tonight - the kids. I was nervous the first few times bringing my daughters to Take Back the Night. They shouldn't know about abuse. As parents we want to protect them from all the bad. I've brought my girls with me almost every year I've spoken since they've been born. There have been a couple years I'd have a sitter but they are usually here. This year my oldest had a school concert tonight. It fell on the same night, same time. I asked her about the concert and told her it was the same night as that thing I spoke at last year. You know what she said? "Mommy you can listen to me sing anytime! I want to go to your event." Damn my kids are amazing. Then a couple nights ago she asked if that same lady from last year would be speaking, "she had a sad story, a lot of bad things happened to her, that's sad, but she was so strong I like her." I thought about it and I think I made the right choice in bringing them with me. I am surrounding them with strong, powerful women. We are empowering the next generation with our stories and knowledge that they will grow to know that these things happen but that we don't let them control us. That we say No, that we have a voice, and that there is always help.
- Educate. I have learned so much here over the years. I have taken that knowledge each year and shared it with others. And again I will point to our children, the ones that are here and the ones that we are around day to day, we need to educate them, and we are. By embracing our voice and telling them about body safety. We will raise boys that will become respectful men. We will raise strong girls who will grow to become respectful women who will know their worth, and not let anyone tell them different.
So I'm going to ask you:
Are you ready to listen?
Are you ready to stand up and say that sexual assault is a real issue?
Are you ready to embrace your voice?
Are you ready to cheer on each of these speakers?
I hope that this helps someone. Yes, I speak each year because I take power back for myself by not keeping silent and living in fear of my abusers, but I share at TBTN and online in hopes that my story and links I share will help someone else. There is help, and it's never too late to get help. So I will leave you with some links and phone numbers that you can use or pass on to someone else.
800.656.HOPE (4673)
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