TBTN 2019....Words

Words,

They are all around us.

We use them everyday without much thought.

These words, whether spoken, read or overheard have set definitions, yet, they all mean something different to each of us.

Some words impact us. 

They alter the way we view things, how we think, and how we feel.

They can have the impact of a speeding bullet. They hit us like a hard punch to the gut.  They leave us in pain and feeling vulnerable.

We all have our own negative words.

A painful memory attached to it.  Maybe a label you were given, something you heard over and over again.

I'll share some of mine with you:

Childhood: 

                That time of innocence in life when most learning and growth occurs.  But for me, childhood is that time in my life when I learned about betrayal (not that I knew that word then).  A time of abuse, guilt, shame and loneliness. 

The names linked to my abusers.  

The labels I heard many times:

     Fat.       

Stupid.

The words that I was told that stay with me....Words I'm constantly fighting against...

"You're too stupid to be a teacher."

"You're never going to amount to anything."

I had words to describe how I felt:
Alone
Shame
Embarrassed
Worthless
Abandoned
Used
Scared
Depressed
Suicidal
Useless
Abuse
Confused

The good news is that other words that surround us have a much different effect on us.
These words thaw us like an Indian Summer Day in the middle of a harsh winter.
They embrace us like a long needed hug from a best friend.
Their impact is like that of a delicate flower planted; something that has to be constantly watered and tended to or it will wither away...

I don't know why those negative words overpower the positive...that the negative is easier to believe.

We have to make the conscious decision to see, hear, find and believe the positive.

I have a small activity to help with this.
Grab two pieces of paper and a pen

On the first paper write a word or words that are negative to you.
I want you to now [aloud] read that list and take the power away from each word...
"I am not _____"
"I will not allow _____ to affect me"
And tear up the paper, tear apart each negative word.  Toss it in the fire, or the trash.

Now on the other paper write your positive words.
I want you to say them each out loud.  Acknowledge them. Affirm yourself with them

I'll share some of mine with you:

Smart/Books
I am smart.  I'm a voracious reader.  I enjoy learning and gaining new information.  I am happy to be surrounded by books full of possibilities.

Survivor.
I'm a survivor.

I'm going to side track for a moment and share a quick story that shows why this list of positive words is important.  Why these affirmations might help.

I was recently at an vent and was approached by an older couple and they talked about this and that what I was working on because I was writing.  I shared that I was trying to write children's books.  They asked what the books were about and I said kindness. Then the conversation got weird the guy asked about my past and what my parents thought of this, and where they were and as I tried to skirt these questions he kept insisting on asking about my parents, I finally said, "They aren't in my life."
The guy goes "Ya know, I could tell just by looking at you that you had a rough past, but ya know society, I couldn't just come out and tell you that."
That floored me.  Who says that to someone?  And just how did I "look like someone who had a rough past"?  I was dressed nice and volunteering my time at this event. Also you cannot tell who has gone through what just on how they look!  But I let that get to me, I felt like my "victim, abused" label was on the outside of me visible to the world.

Our labels aren't on the outside.  Labels are something that we have been told, called, or felt so many times that we then start to believe it.  I almost labeled myself victim again that day.  I was reminded of that confused 6 year old, the 9 year old who was told no to talk about it.  I learned to start saying "I don't know" to answer the other kids questions about why I didn't have a dad like everyone else; instead of saying he's in jail, because that wasn't allowed.  I was once again the 13 year old who desperately wanted to talk to someone, for someone to know what was going on inside my house - what my grandfather did when no one else was around.  I was that 15 year old again fighting to move out and not give up on life.

But you know what?  

I survived all that.  

 I fought and won my life.

I'm no longer the victim I was in my childhood and adolescences.  

I'm a survivor!

Now I have some word I want you to add to your positive list if they aren't already there.

Strong

Brave

Good Enough

Light

Strong:

We are each strong.  Look at what we've gone through.  Even being a supporter takes strength.  We have seen and gone through hell and survived and kept living.

Brave.

Each person who spoke tonight, 

Every person who has come forward and told someone what happened

Everyone who has said #metoo

Everyone who has taken a stand

and

Each person who got help - who had the strength to ask for help...

All those things takes extreme amounts of courage that someone who hasn't gone through it won't ever know how brave you are to do each thing.

Good Enough.

This is a hard one for me.  I never feel like I'm good enough.  I have failed many times, but I've been learning that failing and falling are part of success and that you only fail if you give up.  So I'm reminding myself [and each of you] 

that after all we've gone through we deserve to achieve our dreams.

You are good enough to go after your dreams.

You deserve to be happy, and to know happiness!

Light.

Odd word for the list, right?

Take Back the Night is about us standing together to heal, empower, and educate - 

together we are light.  

We are shining bright tonight.

We are shining light to anyone who many be in the dark,

going through dark times

we hope our stories reach them 

and give them light.

We are a beacon for those to come forward,

get help and heal.

We stand together tonight to be a light of hope for the future.

As I leave you tonight I want to leave you with this....

Words, they surround us.  Be careful which words you feed, which words you take in and which words you let out because...

Words have power

Words hurt

Words heal

Words Can EMPOWER

Take Back The Night 2015 (what I said)

My first experience with Take Back The Night was in 2005 and I've been writing for and speaking at this TBTN ever since.  You might wonder why I've done this for 10 years and why I share my story online - That's easy for me to answer...because I felt so alone in my struggle with what happened to me until hearing others share, I know what it's like to be inspired by the men and women who get up in front of this mic and speak that helped me and I truly believe that by speaking out and sharing our stories we are raising awareness and can combat abuse.

I've had some people say I make speaking in front of this room seem easy.  I don't know about that; I'm not a professional speaker, the only time I get up in front of a group to speak is here.  But I've also had a lot of practice and that dreaded speech class in middle school.  A lot of people say they don't think they could get up and share - I understand that, public speaking is the number one fear of people, but I have to ask.... after what we've each gone through or seen someone go through, is public speaking really your biggest fear?  I can get up here and share because while I get nervous (my hands were cold and sweaty and I had to remind myself to just breathe) I know that public speaking is NOT my fear.   

My biggest fear is my children going through the abuse I faced - and all the terrible things I was lucky to not have had happen to me.  As a parent your main concern is the safety of your babies.  You'd do anything to protect them, shelter them from the world and do your best to keep them from knowing the pain and fear of abuse.  We can't protect them from everything, they are bound to fall and scrape their knees, fall off a horse, and get their hearts broken at some point.  That's life.  But I hope to be able to protect them from all the pains that have been shared, by talking about their day and teaching them the no-touch zone, watching for warning signs of grooming... (please read Post: A book that is a MUST for EVERY parent)     But I'm not with them every minute of every day, and as they get older there's even more to fear.  How can I protect them completely?  I wish I knew.  The best I can do right now is to share my story, so that it raises awareness and with awareness come an end to all forms of abuse.

So my story....

My name is Fawn.  I'm 27, and a survivor of childhood molestation, but I'm not going to tell you about that (if you really want to know you can read through all my past blogs on here as my story is spread out throughout it all, on the post names you learn the names of my abusers)   Instead I'm going to tell how I got help.

When I was about 6 years old I spent the night at my Great Grandma's like I use to a lot.  I told her after my bath something like 'it's OK if I'm red down there because,' like only a child could say "Daddy put his thingie in my thing"  I don't have many memories from my young years - more like short flips from a movie that have stuck or pop up from time to time, that that night, that changed everything I knew, that night has always stayed with me.  Me standing at the end of her hallway in her living-room telling her that, not understanding that it was wrong. I knew I was told not to tell anyone but I was so young I didn't understand.  The next thing I knew I was telling a bunch of the family members and learned a few new terms, his thingie was called a penis.  I remember being confused as to why everyone was making a big deal about this, and I was liking the attention(I was 6 and everyone was listening to me and giving me hugs) but I was also embarrassed to keep repeating what I already said.  After that I don't remember what happened or where I lived or much of anything.  I have a huge blank space.  I know at some point I was in foster care, I remember some of that, then around Easter time, I believe, I was "adopted" by my abusers parents - my grandparents.  As a teen I know it made me so angry that some judge granted custody to the 2 people who raised a child molester.

Life went on.

I never told anyone when my grandfather started "measuring" my boob growth - never mentioned anything he did to anyone.  I was embarrassed - really to have such things happened twice - I felt alone too.  No one talked about such things happening to them.  Something was wrong with me. As I grew older I was also afraid, I was told I could never tell anyone - no one would believe me.  I kept my mouth shut.

Most of my teenage years I went on like this; even when I was trying to move out I never spoke of what was actually happening inside the house.  I was embarrassed and ashamed and he was right, he had money, power, and I had no proof - Who would believe me?

It wasn't until I was 17 and out of that situation that I had a flashback and broke down and told my boyfriend at the time what had happened.  He told me I had to talk to my counselor about it.  It took me a long time to admit even to myself that what happened was abuse.   I was so embarrassed that it had happened to me again, I hated to tell anyone.  Then there had to be a case, and I had to answer questions and talk about what he did to me - it felt like an invasion of privacy - I was exposed.  I didn't want anyone to know - that was a secrete I was going to hide! but I couldn't and as hard as it was to talk about it and get help at least now I'm not the only person to know the type of person he was.  I can talk about the pain when I feel it.  It's no longer something dark inside me, now it's something that I've gone through.  I don't know if I'd say I'm stronger for it but because of my abuse it's why I want to fight against it and because I survived I know that I can face a lot and make it through.

I'm no longer embarrassed.   No longer do I feel alone and different, because I know I'm not the only one to have gone through it.  No longer do I have to be quite. - "Don't tell anyone." - No longer ashamed.  No longer do I fear that I won't be believed, that no one is on my side.  It was super hard to talk about at first - but now it's freeing and empowering.

I'll leave with a few words of encouragement and advice for those of you who are going to speak tonight (or next year) for the first time,  and for those of you who have stories you haven't shared yet and don't know if you can...

1.) Talk! If you haven't opened up yet, just talk to your friends - you might be surprised at how many say "I went through something too."  Once I opened up my friends shared with me too.  The statistic is... 1 in 4...(women)....sadly I think the number is higher.

2.) If you haven't spoken at TBTN yet, and have something to share, think about next year.  Go home tonight and write about how you felt, if anyone inspired or comforted you.  Write your reasons for not sharing and the reasons you have to share.  Think about it.  Write what you want to say.  If next year comes and you can't get up here it's OK, talk to one of the lovely VIP people and they can read your story for you.  I've done it.

3.) If you are speaking tonight (or when you do speak tomorrow, next week, in a year, whenever)...  Take a deep breath, give yourself a pat on the back and know that you are strong!! and this is a very safe and non judgmental place to do public speaking.  It's OK to break down here and cry - we will cry with you - tears will be shed tonight - it's an emotional night.  Yell if you want - we understand your anger!  Don't worry about being perfect up here - no one is grading you and for that matter no one in life is perfect.  Just think of this room and everyone in it as a big support group - which in a way it is.  When you first look out at the crowd, don't see a room of strangers, see you family, friends, supporters.  See everyone as a fellow survivor and know you're in one of the safest places.

Lift your head high and take pride in knowing that you are taking a stand, you are acting against the abuse we've each faced.

Now is our time to act, to stand against abuse, to raise awareness and to end all abuse!  If you need more proof that NOW is our time go online and search:

NoMore.org

Take Back The Night   (#TakeBackTheNight and #TakeBackTheNight2015)

#YouAreNotAlone

#EndAbuse

(for more inspiration and to see the movement go check out my post Others who are speaking out)

There's a movement - it's been going on for a long while - and now is our time to be heard!!!!

Good luck to each of you!!

a photo of me with my NoMore sign.  Image credit: MichelleLee Photography

One small thing...to make a difference

I was thinking about my last post...Help Raise Awareness and I thought of one small thing everyone can do to make a difference, to raise awareness, to help someone.

Right now there is a child who is afraid to go home, of what awaits them there, will they be able to sleep tonight without being woken or touched?
There is a girl who is afraid of telling anyone that she was raped...
There is a boy who is struggling to get help because no one talks about how sexual assault can happen to boys as well....
Right now there is someone who is thinking about killing themselves because of what has happened to them
Right now someone is trying to drink away their pain, someone else is using a needle to try to escape reality
Right now there is so many suffering from past abuses, because it's hard to talk about, it's hard to admit what happened
Right now there are so many who are suffering abuse....

YOU can help them!
It's a small thing that I ask....but I think it can make a difference.

Change your profile photos and flood social medias with a post, image, quote saying "you are not alone"

You can take your own, use one of mine below, or search the web for something else...

I will take more and share them on here.  I will also be posting on Instagram and Tumblr.   

Let us see how many people we can reach!

One small change for the next 48 hours.... we can make a difference!!

Be a Voice

I was asked if I could come up with a flyer asking people to speak at Take Back The Night, I was honored to be asked to do this, and at the same time wondering How am I to fit everything I want to say onto one flyer??  I like to try to explain everything.  So I figured why not write out my reasons and ways that you can Speak/Share/Be a voice at Take Back The Night on here?

Here is a rough draft of a flyer I made and I'll go into detail after it (remember I did say ROUGH draft, there are spelling errors and it's not clean and neat)

*  A safe environment:  That's an understatement!  Take Back The Night isn't only safe but also supportive.  Everyone there is either a survivor, or someone supporting survivors.  You won't ever get a better group of people to stand in front of and express yourself.

*  Hope, Inspire, Encourage, Lift, these are all things that you will be giving other people in the crowd.  Hope that life will get better, that there is help out there, and hope for a brighter future.  You're going to Inspire others to share, and to get help.  Encourage....it's the same thing as inspire, but more than that you're going to have a sense of encouragement after speaking out and sharing.  And Lift...You will lift people up.  Yes, your story could be dark and hard, but seeing that you survived and are taking a stand you will lift everyone up that there is hope.

*  Heal and Share  That's what the night is about, healing through sharing.   It's a very healing night.

*  #SurvivorCommunity  this is a night when survivors, victims, and those who support us get together.

*  Yell. Cry. Whisper. Cheer. Talk.  It doesn't matter how it comes out, let it out. Yell if you're mad, let the people at the end of town hear your strong voice taking a stand.  Cry, let the tears roll, sob, because we know that it hurts, that the abuse you faced is painful and scary and how could that happen? Cry, you won't be the only one to do so! Cry and there will be other tears falling.  Whisper, mumble, stutter... public speaking is a fear of many, you don't have to be perfect here, once you get started letting it out it comes easier.  Cheer, you survived and fought to be the strong person you are today after being torn down, Cheer and let the world know that you are brave and strong after facing such darkness.  Just talk, everyone there is listening to what you have to say.

*  Sing. Poems. Art. Stories. Dance.  I've seen people get up and tell their story and let their voice be heard in all these ways (except dance...I haven't seen that but dance is a form of expression and would be awesome!)  You don't have to write something long like I do, I've seen people sing a song of healing, rap about their pain and anger and how they got out, read a poem they wrote about hurting themselves and getting help.  There's not wrong way to share.

*  Strength.  This word has a double meaning.  You are already Strong! You've gone through hell, and here you are, sharing, and you have great strength to go through it all and to open up about it.  Also you are giving others Strength. This ties right back into the hope, life, inspire part, you telling your story is giving a victim strength to get help, it's giving a person in the crowd strength to get up after you and tell their story, and it's giving someone the strength to talk next year.

*  #youarenotalone You are telling your story so that others know that they are not alone.  It's the worst thought and feeling to think that you are the only one who has been hurt in this way.  We need to share our story so that more people share and no victim of abuse will feel like they are alone, we need to share so that they get our strength to seek help and pass on the word to others that we know how they feel.

*  Let it out.  Let emotion take over, and let it out.

*  #TellMyStoryMyWay  as I said above there is no wrong way of telling your story, do whatever you feel, and how you feel comfortable sharing.

*  Unique.  Each and every one of us is unique.  We all have our own story to tell, some might be similar, like I'm not the only girl to be molested by her grandfather (I'm sure I'm not the only one who's biological father molested her either)  but we are each unique.  The process that we have healed, the way we have overcome the abuse, and the people we are, all of that is unique to us.  The way we chose to express ourselves is unique.  Don't feel that you have to fit into any mold, express your story your way!!

*  Silent NO Longer  and  I will Not be quiet both of these have the same message, I don't think I need to explain how I was told (and most victims) to not tell anyone what was happening, and that I wouldn't be socially accepted if I did tell.  I'm here to say, that my voice will be heard! I was silent long enough, kept my secrets, and we shouldn't have to!

*  I am Not ashamed, my abuser should be shamed.   Victims often feel shamed of the abuse they went through (I know I did) but that's not right!  We should not feel shame for what happened to us!  Our abusers, they should be publicly shamed, and everyone should know who hurt them!

*  #EndAbuse  and #RaiseAwareness this is our goal each year, we want to End abuse by raising awareness.  You can help us do that!


BE A VOICE!!  Take Back The Night happens nation wide, usually in April, find your local TBTN and find out how you can Be a Voice and share!  Please join us and let's accomplish our goal #EndAbuse

I should also note that it's not just for survivors, but those who love(d) a victim.  There are sadly those who have died. and if you want to share their story and your pain, I've seen people do that.  Talk to someone about sharing.



***Update***
Final flyer made thought I'd share it: