TBTN 2017 Healing

I saw a post from Project emancipate on Instagram that said "Healing isn't linear"  That's true.  We have our ups where we're overcoming our past and moving on, then something triggers us into falling down sometimes only a little and we can easily dust ourselves off and get to a better place, but sometimes it's a long fall where we are hurting and can't seem to find a light to look forward to.  Healing is a slow process and it needs to be said, it's not done alone.

Think about it:

Broken bones take time to mend, and a support team: doctors, friends, physical therapy.

Addiction isn't broken on one's own, but with help, support, and courage from friends, family, therapy.

The death of a loved one, that hurts so deep and it doesn't feel like you can recover from such a loss takes time and help from people around you to finally start to move forward.

Why would we think it would be any different from emotional, mental, and sexual abuses?  Is it because we were told to be ashamed of what happened to us?  Is it because it's not something that always leaves a visible wound - so it's less acknowledged?  Is it because people don't want to hear the pain of what we've been through that it's something too hard to hear so society throws their hands over their ears like a 5 year old does when they don't want to listen?

Why is it thought that once the abuse ends, all is better?  Like a band aid put over an invisible boo-boo you're expected to run along and play.

I was told growing up to not talk to anyone about what happened.  I was taught to be ashamed, even that it was my fault.  Before I was in school my biological father had molested me - he was convicted and spent 5 years in jail.

Don't you think it would have been better had he been made to feel shame - that he'd have to say to everyone he ever met what he did so they'd see what he really was and have all the blame?  Instead of asking a child why they'd talk to anyone about it - it's in the past, leave it there!  But that's not how things worked at the time, he did his time and now he co-owner and manager of a school bus company.  How is that right?  

My story didn't stop there - My grandparents on the same side raised me - abuse is a learned cycle isn't it?  Started with one person who hurts another and if they don't know or learn any different then that's normal and they continue the abuse passing it on.  So why was I place in the same home that raised a child sex offender? Money, connections, a better lawyer, I don't know, but I know his mother blamed me for his conviction, and her husband picked up the molestation.  I was told to not tell anyone because I wouldn't want to send him to jail too, he's too old, latter on I was told it was the only way I'd get my inheritance, and no one would believe me anyway.  I was taught quite wrongly the rules of life:

• Lead a guy on and you have to deal the the consequences
• A guy can take what he wants
• I can't stand up for myself
• Saying no will only get you in trouble - Do as you are told

I am very lucky to have had a wonderful support group: Friends, other family, counselors in school, and VIP;  I learned that I wasn't alone, that I could talk to people safely, that I could make a change in my life.  I got out of that house right before my 17th birthday.  It was hard and it took time and it was scary standing up for myself.  Children and youth came to that house twice and I couldn't admit that I didn't feel safe there.  Like I said it took time, but I got out and found a safe, supportive, and caring home with the side of the family that should have had me from the start.  It was the best thing I ever did for myself.   To get the help I needed to finally feel love, safe, and start to heal.

Sexual abuse, mental and emotional abuse, these aren't things that stay buried as much as we heal and move forward; metaphorically, the gash that was so deep will heal but there will always be an unseen bruise that you will at times bump and it will bring a flash of pain, emotions, or remembrance.

Last year was the first year I didn't write anything for Take back the Night.  After 10 years I couldn't think of anything to say.  I'd told my story and all I could think of.  And to be honest I didn't want to bump that metaphorical bruise.  I was in a really good spot, trying new hobbies, making new friends, and focusing on my family.  I didn't want to poke about in my mind to write and face my past.  Let's face it, it's not something we like to do.  To think of how we were made to feel, to open up to a large group about very personal issues.  I'll be honest I have a bad "down" day each year when I sit and write, as much as I want to be positive, give hope, and inspire it's a hard emotional day when I write.  So I understand why people don't stand and share their story- it is really hard.  But last year I also realized that it didn't matter that I didn't want to poke at my bruise that there were several things throughout the year that bumped into that bruise anyway, and I'd have to deal with the pain and emotions, so this year I dived back into my mind to share with you, as did all the survivors who spoke tonight.

It took a team to help me get out of my abusive childhood home, and a great gratitude I feel for those who helped me.

As we move forward and heal and continue to find ourselves, start checking off your bucket list, with all the pain that we've felt we should know great happiness as well, so I hope you go out and do something that makes you happy, try something new, do something you know you love, have the biggest slice of cake and savor it. 

And to wrap this up I want to leave a thought with you:  While healing, and hope for a brighter future free from all forms of abuse starts with voices of those who have first hand experience as a victim, it takes more than just us to bring about change- we can't do it alone- we need the support, voices, and strength of the whole community to take a stand with us, to take a stand for those who are still suffering in silence.  

Take Back The Night 2015 (what I said)

My first experience with Take Back The Night was in 2005 and I've been writing for and speaking at this TBTN ever since.  You might wonder why I've done this for 10 years and why I share my story online - That's easy for me to answer...because I felt so alone in my struggle with what happened to me until hearing others share, I know what it's like to be inspired by the men and women who get up in front of this mic and speak that helped me and I truly believe that by speaking out and sharing our stories we are raising awareness and can combat abuse.

I've had some people say I make speaking in front of this room seem easy.  I don't know about that; I'm not a professional speaker, the only time I get up in front of a group to speak is here.  But I've also had a lot of practice and that dreaded speech class in middle school.  A lot of people say they don't think they could get up and share - I understand that, public speaking is the number one fear of people, but I have to ask.... after what we've each gone through or seen someone go through, is public speaking really your biggest fear?  I can get up here and share because while I get nervous (my hands were cold and sweaty and I had to remind myself to just breathe) I know that public speaking is NOT my fear.   

My biggest fear is my children going through the abuse I faced - and all the terrible things I was lucky to not have had happen to me.  As a parent your main concern is the safety of your babies.  You'd do anything to protect them, shelter them from the world and do your best to keep them from knowing the pain and fear of abuse.  We can't protect them from everything, they are bound to fall and scrape their knees, fall off a horse, and get their hearts broken at some point.  That's life.  But I hope to be able to protect them from all the pains that have been shared, by talking about their day and teaching them the no-touch zone, watching for warning signs of grooming... (please read Post: A book that is a MUST for EVERY parent)     But I'm not with them every minute of every day, and as they get older there's even more to fear.  How can I protect them completely?  I wish I knew.  The best I can do right now is to share my story, so that it raises awareness and with awareness come an end to all forms of abuse.

So my story....

My name is Fawn.  I'm 27, and a survivor of childhood molestation, but I'm not going to tell you about that (if you really want to know you can read through all my past blogs on here as my story is spread out throughout it all, on the post names you learn the names of my abusers)   Instead I'm going to tell how I got help.

When I was about 6 years old I spent the night at my Great Grandma's like I use to a lot.  I told her after my bath something like 'it's OK if I'm red down there because,' like only a child could say "Daddy put his thingie in my thing"  I don't have many memories from my young years - more like short flips from a movie that have stuck or pop up from time to time, that that night, that changed everything I knew, that night has always stayed with me.  Me standing at the end of her hallway in her living-room telling her that, not understanding that it was wrong. I knew I was told not to tell anyone but I was so young I didn't understand.  The next thing I knew I was telling a bunch of the family members and learned a few new terms, his thingie was called a penis.  I remember being confused as to why everyone was making a big deal about this, and I was liking the attention(I was 6 and everyone was listening to me and giving me hugs) but I was also embarrassed to keep repeating what I already said.  After that I don't remember what happened or where I lived or much of anything.  I have a huge blank space.  I know at some point I was in foster care, I remember some of that, then around Easter time, I believe, I was "adopted" by my abusers parents - my grandparents.  As a teen I know it made me so angry that some judge granted custody to the 2 people who raised a child molester.

Life went on.

I never told anyone when my grandfather started "measuring" my boob growth - never mentioned anything he did to anyone.  I was embarrassed - really to have such things happened twice - I felt alone too.  No one talked about such things happening to them.  Something was wrong with me. As I grew older I was also afraid, I was told I could never tell anyone - no one would believe me.  I kept my mouth shut.

Most of my teenage years I went on like this; even when I was trying to move out I never spoke of what was actually happening inside the house.  I was embarrassed and ashamed and he was right, he had money, power, and I had no proof - Who would believe me?

It wasn't until I was 17 and out of that situation that I had a flashback and broke down and told my boyfriend at the time what had happened.  He told me I had to talk to my counselor about it.  It took me a long time to admit even to myself that what happened was abuse.   I was so embarrassed that it had happened to me again, I hated to tell anyone.  Then there had to be a case, and I had to answer questions and talk about what he did to me - it felt like an invasion of privacy - I was exposed.  I didn't want anyone to know - that was a secrete I was going to hide! but I couldn't and as hard as it was to talk about it and get help at least now I'm not the only person to know the type of person he was.  I can talk about the pain when I feel it.  It's no longer something dark inside me, now it's something that I've gone through.  I don't know if I'd say I'm stronger for it but because of my abuse it's why I want to fight against it and because I survived I know that I can face a lot and make it through.

I'm no longer embarrassed.   No longer do I feel alone and different, because I know I'm not the only one to have gone through it.  No longer do I have to be quite. - "Don't tell anyone." - No longer ashamed.  No longer do I fear that I won't be believed, that no one is on my side.  It was super hard to talk about at first - but now it's freeing and empowering.

I'll leave with a few words of encouragement and advice for those of you who are going to speak tonight (or next year) for the first time,  and for those of you who have stories you haven't shared yet and don't know if you can...

1.) Talk! If you haven't opened up yet, just talk to your friends - you might be surprised at how many say "I went through something too."  Once I opened up my friends shared with me too.  The statistic is... 1 in 4...(women)....sadly I think the number is higher.

2.) If you haven't spoken at TBTN yet, and have something to share, think about next year.  Go home tonight and write about how you felt, if anyone inspired or comforted you.  Write your reasons for not sharing and the reasons you have to share.  Think about it.  Write what you want to say.  If next year comes and you can't get up here it's OK, talk to one of the lovely VIP people and they can read your story for you.  I've done it.

3.) If you are speaking tonight (or when you do speak tomorrow, next week, in a year, whenever)...  Take a deep breath, give yourself a pat on the back and know that you are strong!! and this is a very safe and non judgmental place to do public speaking.  It's OK to break down here and cry - we will cry with you - tears will be shed tonight - it's an emotional night.  Yell if you want - we understand your anger!  Don't worry about being perfect up here - no one is grading you and for that matter no one in life is perfect.  Just think of this room and everyone in it as a big support group - which in a way it is.  When you first look out at the crowd, don't see a room of strangers, see you family, friends, supporters.  See everyone as a fellow survivor and know you're in one of the safest places.

Lift your head high and take pride in knowing that you are taking a stand, you are acting against the abuse we've each faced.

Now is our time to act, to stand against abuse, to raise awareness and to end all abuse!  If you need more proof that NOW is our time go online and search:

NoMore.org

Take Back The Night   (#TakeBackTheNight and #TakeBackTheNight2015)

#YouAreNotAlone

#EndAbuse

(for more inspiration and to see the movement go check out my post Others who are speaking out)

There's a movement - it's been going on for a long while - and now is our time to be heard!!!!

Good luck to each of you!!

a photo of me with my NoMore sign.  Image credit: MichelleLee Photography

Self Harm - do this instead

I saw this post on facebook and had to share!  I use to burn myself, cut sometimes but never deep, I was numb to life and the pain of it was a release for me a release of anger and hurt.  I really hope this helps someone.  Keep your head up, Stay Strong, it takes time but life will get better, and please seek help if you need it!!

Be a Voice

I was asked if I could come up with a flyer asking people to speak at Take Back The Night, I was honored to be asked to do this, and at the same time wondering How am I to fit everything I want to say onto one flyer??  I like to try to explain everything.  So I figured why not write out my reasons and ways that you can Speak/Share/Be a voice at Take Back The Night on here?

Here is a rough draft of a flyer I made and I'll go into detail after it (remember I did say ROUGH draft, there are spelling errors and it's not clean and neat)

*  A safe environment:  That's an understatement!  Take Back The Night isn't only safe but also supportive.  Everyone there is either a survivor, or someone supporting survivors.  You won't ever get a better group of people to stand in front of and express yourself.

*  Hope, Inspire, Encourage, Lift, these are all things that you will be giving other people in the crowd.  Hope that life will get better, that there is help out there, and hope for a brighter future.  You're going to Inspire others to share, and to get help.  Encourage....it's the same thing as inspire, but more than that you're going to have a sense of encouragement after speaking out and sharing.  And Lift...You will lift people up.  Yes, your story could be dark and hard, but seeing that you survived and are taking a stand you will lift everyone up that there is hope.

*  Heal and Share  That's what the night is about, healing through sharing.   It's a very healing night.

*  #SurvivorCommunity  this is a night when survivors, victims, and those who support us get together.

*  Yell. Cry. Whisper. Cheer. Talk.  It doesn't matter how it comes out, let it out. Yell if you're mad, let the people at the end of town hear your strong voice taking a stand.  Cry, let the tears roll, sob, because we know that it hurts, that the abuse you faced is painful and scary and how could that happen? Cry, you won't be the only one to do so! Cry and there will be other tears falling.  Whisper, mumble, stutter... public speaking is a fear of many, you don't have to be perfect here, once you get started letting it out it comes easier.  Cheer, you survived and fought to be the strong person you are today after being torn down, Cheer and let the world know that you are brave and strong after facing such darkness.  Just talk, everyone there is listening to what you have to say.

*  Sing. Poems. Art. Stories. Dance.  I've seen people get up and tell their story and let their voice be heard in all these ways (except dance...I haven't seen that but dance is a form of expression and would be awesome!)  You don't have to write something long like I do, I've seen people sing a song of healing, rap about their pain and anger and how they got out, read a poem they wrote about hurting themselves and getting help.  There's not wrong way to share.

*  Strength.  This word has a double meaning.  You are already Strong! You've gone through hell, and here you are, sharing, and you have great strength to go through it all and to open up about it.  Also you are giving others Strength. This ties right back into the hope, life, inspire part, you telling your story is giving a victim strength to get help, it's giving a person in the crowd strength to get up after you and tell their story, and it's giving someone the strength to talk next year.

*  #youarenotalone You are telling your story so that others know that they are not alone.  It's the worst thought and feeling to think that you are the only one who has been hurt in this way.  We need to share our story so that more people share and no victim of abuse will feel like they are alone, we need to share so that they get our strength to seek help and pass on the word to others that we know how they feel.

*  Let it out.  Let emotion take over, and let it out.

*  #TellMyStoryMyWay  as I said above there is no wrong way of telling your story, do whatever you feel, and how you feel comfortable sharing.

*  Unique.  Each and every one of us is unique.  We all have our own story to tell, some might be similar, like I'm not the only girl to be molested by her grandfather (I'm sure I'm not the only one who's biological father molested her either)  but we are each unique.  The process that we have healed, the way we have overcome the abuse, and the people we are, all of that is unique to us.  The way we chose to express ourselves is unique.  Don't feel that you have to fit into any mold, express your story your way!!

*  Silent NO Longer  and  I will Not be quiet both of these have the same message, I don't think I need to explain how I was told (and most victims) to not tell anyone what was happening, and that I wouldn't be socially accepted if I did tell.  I'm here to say, that my voice will be heard! I was silent long enough, kept my secrets, and we shouldn't have to!

*  I am Not ashamed, my abuser should be shamed.   Victims often feel shamed of the abuse they went through (I know I did) but that's not right!  We should not feel shame for what happened to us!  Our abusers, they should be publicly shamed, and everyone should know who hurt them!

*  #EndAbuse  and #RaiseAwareness this is our goal each year, we want to End abuse by raising awareness.  You can help us do that!


BE A VOICE!!  Take Back The Night happens nation wide, usually in April, find your local TBTN and find out how you can Be a Voice and share!  Please join us and let's accomplish our goal #EndAbuse

I should also note that it's not just for survivors, but those who love(d) a victim.  There are sadly those who have died. and if you want to share their story and your pain, I've seen people do that.  Talk to someone about sharing.



***Update***
Final flyer made thought I'd share it: