TBTN 2017 Healing

I saw a post from Project emancipate on Instagram that said "Healing isn't linear"  That's true.  We have our ups where we're overcoming our past and moving on, then something triggers us into falling down sometimes only a little and we can easily dust ourselves off and get to a better place, but sometimes it's a long fall where we are hurting and can't seem to find a light to look forward to.  Healing is a slow process and it needs to be said, it's not done alone.

Think about it:

Broken bones take time to mend, and a support team: doctors, friends, physical therapy.

Addiction isn't broken on one's own, but with help, support, and courage from friends, family, therapy.

The death of a loved one, that hurts so deep and it doesn't feel like you can recover from such a loss takes time and help from people around you to finally start to move forward.

Why would we think it would be any different from emotional, mental, and sexual abuses?  Is it because we were told to be ashamed of what happened to us?  Is it because it's not something that always leaves a visible wound - so it's less acknowledged?  Is it because people don't want to hear the pain of what we've been through that it's something too hard to hear so society throws their hands over their ears like a 5 year old does when they don't want to listen?

Why is it thought that once the abuse ends, all is better?  Like a band aid put over an invisible boo-boo you're expected to run along and play.

I was told growing up to not talk to anyone about what happened.  I was taught to be ashamed, even that it was my fault.  Before I was in school my biological father had molested me - he was convicted and spent 5 years in jail.

Don't you think it would have been better had he been made to feel shame - that he'd have to say to everyone he ever met what he did so they'd see what he really was and have all the blame?  Instead of asking a child why they'd talk to anyone about it - it's in the past, leave it there!  But that's not how things worked at the time, he did his time and now he co-owner and manager of a school bus company.  How is that right?  

My story didn't stop there - My grandparents on the same side raised me - abuse is a learned cycle isn't it?  Started with one person who hurts another and if they don't know or learn any different then that's normal and they continue the abuse passing it on.  So why was I place in the same home that raised a child sex offender? Money, connections, a better lawyer, I don't know, but I know his mother blamed me for his conviction, and her husband picked up the molestation.  I was told to not tell anyone because I wouldn't want to send him to jail too, he's too old, latter on I was told it was the only way I'd get my inheritance, and no one would believe me anyway.  I was taught quite wrongly the rules of life:

• Lead a guy on and you have to deal the the consequences
• A guy can take what he wants
• I can't stand up for myself
• Saying no will only get you in trouble - Do as you are told

I am very lucky to have had a wonderful support group: Friends, other family, counselors in school, and VIP;  I learned that I wasn't alone, that I could talk to people safely, that I could make a change in my life.  I got out of that house right before my 17th birthday.  It was hard and it took time and it was scary standing up for myself.  Children and youth came to that house twice and I couldn't admit that I didn't feel safe there.  Like I said it took time, but I got out and found a safe, supportive, and caring home with the side of the family that should have had me from the start.  It was the best thing I ever did for myself.   To get the help I needed to finally feel love, safe, and start to heal.

Sexual abuse, mental and emotional abuse, these aren't things that stay buried as much as we heal and move forward; metaphorically, the gash that was so deep will heal but there will always be an unseen bruise that you will at times bump and it will bring a flash of pain, emotions, or remembrance.

Last year was the first year I didn't write anything for Take back the Night.  After 10 years I couldn't think of anything to say.  I'd told my story and all I could think of.  And to be honest I didn't want to bump that metaphorical bruise.  I was in a really good spot, trying new hobbies, making new friends, and focusing on my family.  I didn't want to poke about in my mind to write and face my past.  Let's face it, it's not something we like to do.  To think of how we were made to feel, to open up to a large group about very personal issues.  I'll be honest I have a bad "down" day each year when I sit and write, as much as I want to be positive, give hope, and inspire it's a hard emotional day when I write.  So I understand why people don't stand and share their story- it is really hard.  But last year I also realized that it didn't matter that I didn't want to poke at my bruise that there were several things throughout the year that bumped into that bruise anyway, and I'd have to deal with the pain and emotions, so this year I dived back into my mind to share with you, as did all the survivors who spoke tonight.

It took a team to help me get out of my abusive childhood home, and a great gratitude I feel for those who helped me.

As we move forward and heal and continue to find ourselves, start checking off your bucket list, with all the pain that we've felt we should know great happiness as well, so I hope you go out and do something that makes you happy, try something new, do something you know you love, have the biggest slice of cake and savor it. 

And to wrap this up I want to leave a thought with you:  While healing, and hope for a brighter future free from all forms of abuse starts with voices of those who have first hand experience as a victim, it takes more than just us to bring about change- we can't do it alone- we need the support, voices, and strength of the whole community to take a stand with us, to take a stand for those who are still suffering in silence.  

Violence amoung teens and my theory of a link to Parenting

I've been watching the news and there are many disturbing things going on in the world, and the most disturbing to me as a parent is that just this week there was a school shooting, and 2 people killed by teens because "they were bored".  America what's going on here??

Last week I was watching The movie Parenthood and found this quote and it really hit home with me not only because of my own past and experience with parents but even more so because of the news a couple weeks ago. 

How is it that everything requires a license but 2 people can make a baby?  I'm not saying that the government should step in and require license to pro-create because well then I wouldn't be here today and that would be way to intrusive into the lives of the people.  The quote does make you think about it though.  For me, I've always found it odd that the Judge/State or whoever made the ruling thought that the people who raised Rick should be given 2 more kids to raise.  I think it was only because Gen and Jim were well off.  I do have to say I learned how to work hard being there and sure enough I was raised with manners. 

It disturbs me to see in the news how teens are committing such violent crimes.  When two kids shot a man in the back simply because "they were bored" everyone was talking about how the problem was that the kids had a gun.  No, the problem isn't a gun problem...the gun was just the way in which the crime was carried out.  I do believe kids shouldn't have guns unless accompanied by an adult.  Why is it that:
 
But this isn't even about gun rights.  Because the same week there were two teens who beat a WW2 vet with a flash light who latter died at a hospital, those teens killed a man just the same as the others without a gun.  Actually I think the crime without the gun was more brutal. 

Then came the talk about race.  Really?  I thought that we had realized 50 years ago that people are the same, that race doesn't matter it's just different amounts of pigment in the skin.  Race doesn't make one person more apt to commit a crime than another. 

The problem isn't guns, or race; the problem is that young people are killing others.  That they are out getting into trouble.  This is a parenting problem...  Where were these kids parents?  Why did these kids have a gun?  Why were the kids out thinking about killing or hurting people? 

The school shooting that happened at in Georgia the bookkeeper who helped the troubled young adult to surrender said in one interview that I watched that the shooter told her that no one loved him and that's why he was doing this.


This is the problem.  We're not valuing our children enough.  They are only little for so long then they grow.  We are living in a nation and economy where both parents have to work in order to keep a roof over head and food on the table.  This needs to change.  Parents need to be with their kids, Children need to know they are loved. 

We are living in a world where we're raising our children in fear.  We crush their hopes and dreams.  Then they are also home alone.  Then there are the parents who are abusive, drunk, and into drugs.  As a parent it's our job to set a good example of life.  As a teacher we need to educate our children in what they need to have a bright future. 


The other day I was out hiking with my family and my oldest daughter stopped to look at moss and I was telling her that it's moss and she can study botany in school (the study of plants) or she can study zoology and become a vet.  My husband looked at me and said "stop planning her life she has a long way to go before she knows what she wants to be" to which my daughter replied "yeah, Mom, I'm only 4!"  Yes, but it's my strong belief that if we tell our children that they can be ANYTHING that they want to be and once they have a dream and passion in one direction to harness it and help them along that they will believe in themselves and go after their goals.  I think that if there was more of this then there wouldn't be so many teen pregnancies, bored and lost teens out getting in trouble. 

I say this from my own experience...
My grandparents told me when I was in high school and had a dream of becoming a teacher that I was too stupid to be a teacher and should take nursing classes (even though I disliked hospitals) and then when I wanted to study horses and go to Cornell University and figure out what with horses I wanted to do they crushed that dream telling me that I didn't know enough and that there's no money in horses.  Gen and Jim really crushed all my dreams and I had very little self-esteem all through school.  I'm lucky that I had teachers and other supporters who told me that they believed in me and thought I'd go far in life.  I do feel like I've let them down that I haven't gone that far or accomplished much at all.  But I haven't stopped trying.  I keep making new goals and one day I'll succeed at something.  


Since my thoughts were a bit all over the place...let me conclude by summing up my thoughts for you.  The world today seems a sad and hostile place and with all the violence our children are facing at such young ages and then growing to commit murders we need to change this for the future generations.  We need to change this world that we're living in and make it a brighter place for all.  In order to make this change we need to offer classes about parenting and give parents more options to learn how to deal with problems that arise (trust me I'm far from perfect and can use some too), we need to raise the minimum wage so that parents aren't spending all their time working and have more quality time with their children, we need to make sure that kids know that they are loved and to support their dreams.  And for the people that have guns in their home they need their children to know that guns are dangerous and not to be touched without an adult and parents for crying out loud lock your guns up so that they aren't easy access to children!!  I think if we do this and teach and show children how to love and to have a respect for one another that the world as a whole will be a more peaceful and happy place.


I'll leave you with some more great photo/quotes relating to children, parenting and a brighter future:

What's wrong with this world? Boston Bombing :(

I don't have TV or internet at my house so when tragedies happen I'm left in the dark until someone tells me about it, I turn on the radio, or get out and get online. In many ways I think it's nice to have that because you can still feel safe and think that there is good in the world or be caught up in the fantasy of a good book where the bad guy is always caught and punished and good prevails. But then when you're tossed back out into reality and find the news, and facebook flooded with all the bad news of tragedies that happen you feel like an ostorage having your head pulled from a dark hole, and all you want is to go back to that safe bubble.

I'm not a stranger to the awareness of how sick and bad people in this world can be. I just find it so sad and very frightening that there are people out there who like to hurt others. And find it hard to accept that there are people who believe in religions that think that certain people or anyone who doesn't do like they believe deserve to be "punished" or anything! Sadly there are people in every religion who go to extremes and find justice in crimes that they commit. I don't understand how, nor will I ever. There is no excuse for inflicting pain and hurting others, NONE!

I don't know why the bombing that happened yesterday happened. Nor do I think that there is any that would make the people effected by it feel better. One of the first questions that comes to mind when something bad happens is "Why?" My question is "What Is Wrong With This World??" Really, why do things like this happen? What's wrong with people that do this? I don't understand our world at all...

The good news is that not everyone in this messed up world is bad. There are many good people and things in our world. Look around at a new baby, at a couple just getting married, at the EMTs, fire fighters, cops, and other people who rush in to help others when it's needed, look at a rainbow in the sky, or a child blowing bubbles. See someone doing something nice and unexpected for someone else or a hurt animal. There are many good things to find in the world. Look for the beauty in a new flower, the spring grass, photos of someplace exotic. There is the good news that while bad things happen, and unfortunately they happen way too often, that there is always 10 good things that you can find. Look at all the people that come together to help out, look at how a community will come together in hard times, this should give us faith in our world.

My heart goes out to all the people hurt in the bombing yesterday and to the family and friends of the ones who were killed.

May we one day live in a peaceful world where we can always feel safe.

May there one day be no more bad news.

May we all find love and compassion in our hearts.

To end this on a uplifting note, check out 26 Moments That Restored Our Faith In Humanity in 2012 it's really touching