Violence amoung teens and my theory of a link to Parenting

I've been watching the news and there are many disturbing things going on in the world, and the most disturbing to me as a parent is that just this week there was a school shooting, and 2 people killed by teens because "they were bored".  America what's going on here??

Last week I was watching The movie Parenthood and found this quote and it really hit home with me not only because of my own past and experience with parents but even more so because of the news a couple weeks ago. 

How is it that everything requires a license but 2 people can make a baby?  I'm not saying that the government should step in and require license to pro-create because well then I wouldn't be here today and that would be way to intrusive into the lives of the people.  The quote does make you think about it though.  For me, I've always found it odd that the Judge/State or whoever made the ruling thought that the people who raised Rick should be given 2 more kids to raise.  I think it was only because Gen and Jim were well off.  I do have to say I learned how to work hard being there and sure enough I was raised with manners. 

It disturbs me to see in the news how teens are committing such violent crimes.  When two kids shot a man in the back simply because "they were bored" everyone was talking about how the problem was that the kids had a gun.  No, the problem isn't a gun problem...the gun was just the way in which the crime was carried out.  I do believe kids shouldn't have guns unless accompanied by an adult.  Why is it that:
 
But this isn't even about gun rights.  Because the same week there were two teens who beat a WW2 vet with a flash light who latter died at a hospital, those teens killed a man just the same as the others without a gun.  Actually I think the crime without the gun was more brutal. 

Then came the talk about race.  Really?  I thought that we had realized 50 years ago that people are the same, that race doesn't matter it's just different amounts of pigment in the skin.  Race doesn't make one person more apt to commit a crime than another. 

The problem isn't guns, or race; the problem is that young people are killing others.  That they are out getting into trouble.  This is a parenting problem...  Where were these kids parents?  Why did these kids have a gun?  Why were the kids out thinking about killing or hurting people? 

The school shooting that happened at in Georgia the bookkeeper who helped the troubled young adult to surrender said in one interview that I watched that the shooter told her that no one loved him and that's why he was doing this.


This is the problem.  We're not valuing our children enough.  They are only little for so long then they grow.  We are living in a nation and economy where both parents have to work in order to keep a roof over head and food on the table.  This needs to change.  Parents need to be with their kids, Children need to know they are loved. 

We are living in a world where we're raising our children in fear.  We crush their hopes and dreams.  Then they are also home alone.  Then there are the parents who are abusive, drunk, and into drugs.  As a parent it's our job to set a good example of life.  As a teacher we need to educate our children in what they need to have a bright future. 


The other day I was out hiking with my family and my oldest daughter stopped to look at moss and I was telling her that it's moss and she can study botany in school (the study of plants) or she can study zoology and become a vet.  My husband looked at me and said "stop planning her life she has a long way to go before she knows what she wants to be" to which my daughter replied "yeah, Mom, I'm only 4!"  Yes, but it's my strong belief that if we tell our children that they can be ANYTHING that they want to be and once they have a dream and passion in one direction to harness it and help them along that they will believe in themselves and go after their goals.  I think that if there was more of this then there wouldn't be so many teen pregnancies, bored and lost teens out getting in trouble. 

I say this from my own experience...
My grandparents told me when I was in high school and had a dream of becoming a teacher that I was too stupid to be a teacher and should take nursing classes (even though I disliked hospitals) and then when I wanted to study horses and go to Cornell University and figure out what with horses I wanted to do they crushed that dream telling me that I didn't know enough and that there's no money in horses.  Gen and Jim really crushed all my dreams and I had very little self-esteem all through school.  I'm lucky that I had teachers and other supporters who told me that they believed in me and thought I'd go far in life.  I do feel like I've let them down that I haven't gone that far or accomplished much at all.  But I haven't stopped trying.  I keep making new goals and one day I'll succeed at something.  


Since my thoughts were a bit all over the place...let me conclude by summing up my thoughts for you.  The world today seems a sad and hostile place and with all the violence our children are facing at such young ages and then growing to commit murders we need to change this for the future generations.  We need to change this world that we're living in and make it a brighter place for all.  In order to make this change we need to offer classes about parenting and give parents more options to learn how to deal with problems that arise (trust me I'm far from perfect and can use some too), we need to raise the minimum wage so that parents aren't spending all their time working and have more quality time with their children, we need to make sure that kids know that they are loved and to support their dreams.  And for the people that have guns in their home they need their children to know that guns are dangerous and not to be touched without an adult and parents for crying out loud lock your guns up so that they aren't easy access to children!!  I think if we do this and teach and show children how to love and to have a respect for one another that the world as a whole will be a more peaceful and happy place.


I'll leave you with some more great photo/quotes relating to children, parenting and a brighter future:

The Perks Of Being a Wallflower (the movie)

A note before I start. I don't want to ruin or spoil the movie for anyone. It is a great movie so please if you haven't seen it yet then stop reading NOW and go watch it, then come back and read if you wish as I'm sure this entry will make more sense after watching the movie.

　

***Read on only if you've seen the movie***

 

I am so happy I was able to rent The Perks of Being a Wallflower from my local library and got to watch it.

I always find it hard to watch a movie or show that brings up childhood abuse or rape. I wasn't raped but the feeling that come with watching that are really hard to deal with. Everytime my chest gets tight, I often feel like hiding somewhere, I remember how I felt, and I always feel ashamed and like everyone around me can tell that I was that kid in the movie. I don't know if everyone feels that way...I never ask, I've never told how thoses scenes make me feel. I'd describe it a panic or anziity attack. And it always makes me uncomfortable to watch when there's a lot of people in the room, espically if I do cry or really freak out over my flood of feelings from the past. It does usually help to have my husband near to comfort me. Even though this is how I feel I still think it's important to have movies, and TV shows, and books that adress childhood abuse. It's important to make other uncomfortable, and to show them that this really does happen.

For me writing helps me sort out my feeling or to overcome emotions. It helps me to let it all out...and I can't let it out by talking. Talking about the way I feel has always been very hard for me even in coucling so I've always written...it is 12:15 in the morning and after watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower I had so much on my mind that I had to get it out. I hope to write and be done so that I can get some sleep tonight. Just a little side note for other survivors or victems, do whatever it takes for your feeling to be out there. Now back to relating to the movie...

I guesse now it a good time to relate to the main charater, Charlie. I could relate to him right off the bat. He kept a type of diary, writing letters to a Dear Friend, talking about what was comming up and how he was feeling just then, but never once did he mention abuse in the letters. He was a wallflower, a loner, and he was scared and nervous. He got close to a teacher, who probably didn't know it but helped him out, and encouraged his writing and education. He said in the begining of the movie how he went all summer without talking to anyone outside of his family. I knew just how he was feeling for that was me, all throughout school. I didn't make friends easily, but was really close to teachers. There were a few who were really helped me. I had friends in school but none that I was really really close to, and not one that I talked to over breaks. Jen and Jim kept me very issolated from everyone. Every year at the begining of the school year I'd wonder who would want to talk to me. It didn't bother me, I didn't mind sitting back and listening. I loved school it was my safe-haven from my home life where I could never do anything right and had to wonder if Jim was going to try to see me naked or touch me. I always kept a diary, although I never mentioned any abuse I was going through. I didn't start writing about my abuse or feelings over it until I was getting counceling from VIP.

By the end of the movie you learn about the molestation he had gone through, although you would have never known. Since I had watched this movie after reading "Inoculating Your Children Against Sexual Abuse!" I picked up on the big sign of the aunt telling him "our little secret" about getting him a gift. Other than that you wouldn't have known about what was going on, until they show you. I will encourage all parents now to get the book "Inoculating Your Children Against Sexual Abuse!" as it goes through steps in teaching your children to protect themselves one of which is your family has no secrets, and it also has a checklist for you to ask yourself about anyone that's around your kids.

He says that one of the hardest days is when he was getting help the doctor had to tell his parents what had happened to him, and how hard it was on everyone. Having gone through that not only once but twice, I can tell you it's extremely hard! Childhood sexual abuse doesn't only effect the child, but once everyone around, just in a different way. My family told me that they feel like they should have known, and sometimes blame themselves for what happened to me. It's hard to come to terms with that someone you know, someone that is part of your family would do such a thing to a child, to your child, one who you thought was safe. Parents wouldn't leave their kids alone with someone who they didn't think the kids wouldn't be safe with, so the abuse always comes as a big surprise. It was hard for me at a young age of 5 or so to tell my family the first time, espically since I didn't understand why they were making a big deal out of it or what was happening. The second time I had to tell people I was a grown teen of 17...and that was hard. I had to tell everyone that I had this big secret that I had kept and hidden for years. I think the movie did a great job at showing how hard it was on everyone to learn of what had happened, and to show how ackward it is after, how everyone feels uneasy. It's hard to get that emotion in a movie, but I think they did it well. I think it's easier for me to understand since I had gone through it.

The great thing for Charlie is that he made really great close friends who were there for him. And he had a very supporting family.

Just like in reality Charlie wasn't the only one to have suffered abuse, and I love how the writers go on to show that your friends don't turn their backs on you when they learn of your past.

Charlie's sister dates a guy through the movie and in one scene, and only one scene they show a fight between the two of them and he hits her. I've never been in a relationship like that but have had friends who have. I always said, and told my husband, if I was ever hit that would be the end of the relationship no matter what. I had my share of abuse growing up and I wouldn't and won't put up with it. I honestly don't understand why anyone would stay with someone who hits them or makes them feel bad. My one friend who I had learned that her boyfriend had hit her, when I told her to leave him and that she could do better, she made the excuse for him that she egged him on, it was only that one time, that she wouldn't stay if he hit her again, and that she had already invested too many years with him that she couldn't find anyone else and that she loved him. This same friend when set up with a great guy a few years before and went out on a date, told me that she couldn't date him because he was too nice for her and she didn't deserve that. It's really sad, and they say it in the movie, people go for and stay with what they feel they deserve. It's true, you do. I dated a lot of jerks and guys below me but there were 2 who really were good and showed me that I could date above the level I thought. One was my high school sweetheart who I dated for just under a year. He was supportive and the first one I told about what Jim had done to me. While we didn't stay together, him and I still remained close friend, and still are to this day. I'm very thankful to him for all the support he gave me. After we broke up, I went back to a low self estem and not dating anyone good. Finally my best friend at the time set me up on a blind date with the man who is now my husband. I really didn't think he'd want to stay with me, but he did, and he's turned my life around! So, if you're someone who is with someone who treats you poorly, just know that you deserve better, even if you don't think so, you do, you're worth more than you think!! I love how they show at the end of the movie the sister does leave her boyfriend and they show her happier without him.

Charlie's first relationship is with a girl he didn't really want to be with. I've been there too! He stayed with her because he felt bad for breaking up with her. There is no abuse in this relationship. He finally ends the relationship in an awful way. I really felt bad for the girl. It is never a good idea to stay in a relationship that you don't love the person your with. As a person who always wants people to be happy that's really hard to do. I know I dated a guy once who was sucidal. I didn't want to be with him, and had no feeling for him. I only said yes to going out with him because he got up the nerve to ask me out and I felt like I'd really hurt his feeling if I said no. Then once I learned about how he'd inflict self pain, I didn't want to break up with him for fear of him really hurting himself. It was a very awkward, and intense relationship. After dating only a week he told me that he loved me, and then at 2 weeks he told me that if I ever left him he'd kill himself. Wow. that makes it hard. I broke up with him finally after he had hurt himself and ended up in a mental hospital where he had called me. I figured at least there he was safe. I'm happy to say that the relationship in the movie wasn't like that, but it did remind me of that relationship I had. Relationships are hard and tricky, but you have to do what's best for you.

Charlie makes a great friend in Patrick, who is outwardly gay, but in a closed closet relationship. Patrick's boyfriend will not come out of the closet because he says his father will beat him, and when his father catches the two of them together he does. It comes out that the father started beating his son in front of Patrick. He didn't do anything to stop it and left. I feel really bad for both boys. I can't relate to them for lack of expierence here. I was only beat a few times, never in front of non family and never had to cover bruises. I feel for those who are gay and afraid of coming out. I wish people would stop judging and putting religion into it, they can believe whatever they want but 2 people who are of the same sex and want to be together aren't hurting anyone so why make them feel bad? I know as a mother, I would not turn my back on either of my girls if they told me they had a girlfriend. I think as a parent it's your job to be supportive. The sad thing about this abuse is that neither boy told anyone else, and neither of them got help. I don't care if their reason was that it only happened once, there is NO reason to beat a child, teen, person, like that. The dad should have gone to jail.

Through Patrick, Charlie meets Sam. He falls for her right away. One night she opens up about her first kiss being with her father's boss, when she was 11. She talks about how she was, we'll use the term lose, her freshman year. This too I can sadly relate to. While my family doesn't know, or well, didn't, if they read this they will and hope they don't think poorly of me. After finally getting out of Jen and Jim's house and given freedom, I had my first love, I mentioned him before. He was great to me, but when we broke up I felt like nothing. I was living with great family, but I lost all self respect. I slept around a bit until I met the man who is my husband. When you've been put down for so long, forced to undress, and be touched, it takes away your self esteem.

All of this makes the movie so powerful, heavy, and intense. I'm so happy that this movie brings up so many issues that I've had, and brings to light the topics of different kinds of abuse and how it effects people. I wasn't expecting any of that from the previews. The writers did a great job in while bringing to light such painful realities, really telling a full story, and kept you watching. They didn't go into full, hard to watch scenes of abuse, which makes it a lot easier to watch, when they did show any it was in a very short clip. Mostly the abuse it talked about, just like in reality, when friends finally open up and share with each other.

Thank you again to the writers, producers, and cast in this movie for doing such a wonderful job, and for bringing to light some many important matters!

NC vote AGAINST amendment one

One of my friends from NC shared this and it makes me really angry...what is our country coming to that they think that single women can't be abused??  Abuse can happen to anyone, man, woman, child, teen, straight, gay, of any religion, of any color, weather they are poor or wealthy....




NO MEANS NO and weather your married, single, conservative, or a hooker if you say no that means NO and that's everyone's right...

I think this is just NC, but as my friend shared with me "there have been several similar amendments proposed all over the country- some restricting the concept of marriage to heterosexual marriages and others are opening up the definition. Also, several states have lately been proposing bills to take away a woman's right to leave a marriage and also criminalizing single-parenthood."

What are we coming to? the first amendment is for FREEDOM of speech, religion, press, and gatherings...FREEDOM...why are we now trying to restrict that for certain people or bind them to a bad situation?  

Domestic violence can happen to anyone and EVERYONE should be able to get help and protection.  I have never voted but if I was living in NC again I would darn well be out there voting next week.  Here are a couple other post I've seen:



I hope that this does not pass, I hope that women, men, and children of all ages, race, status, religion and however else you want to classify people, will always know that they can get help if they are being hurt, that they aren't to blame, that they did nothing wrong and they weren't asking for it.  I think that's one of the worst things I've ever heard, "they were asking for it" NO ONE wants to be hurt (in any way).
 

Please spread the word to any of your friends in NC you can do so by sharing with them this facebook page.