Violence amoung teens and my theory of a link to Parenting

I've been watching the news and there are many disturbing things going on in the world, and the most disturbing to me as a parent is that just this week there was a school shooting, and 2 people killed by teens because "they were bored".  America what's going on here??

Last week I was watching The movie Parenthood and found this quote and it really hit home with me not only because of my own past and experience with parents but even more so because of the news a couple weeks ago. 

How is it that everything requires a license but 2 people can make a baby?  I'm not saying that the government should step in and require license to pro-create because well then I wouldn't be here today and that would be way to intrusive into the lives of the people.  The quote does make you think about it though.  For me, I've always found it odd that the Judge/State or whoever made the ruling thought that the people who raised Rick should be given 2 more kids to raise.  I think it was only because Gen and Jim were well off.  I do have to say I learned how to work hard being there and sure enough I was raised with manners. 

It disturbs me to see in the news how teens are committing such violent crimes.  When two kids shot a man in the back simply because "they were bored" everyone was talking about how the problem was that the kids had a gun.  No, the problem isn't a gun problem...the gun was just the way in which the crime was carried out.  I do believe kids shouldn't have guns unless accompanied by an adult.  Why is it that:
 
But this isn't even about gun rights.  Because the same week there were two teens who beat a WW2 vet with a flash light who latter died at a hospital, those teens killed a man just the same as the others without a gun.  Actually I think the crime without the gun was more brutal. 

Then came the talk about race.  Really?  I thought that we had realized 50 years ago that people are the same, that race doesn't matter it's just different amounts of pigment in the skin.  Race doesn't make one person more apt to commit a crime than another. 

The problem isn't guns, or race; the problem is that young people are killing others.  That they are out getting into trouble.  This is a parenting problem...  Where were these kids parents?  Why did these kids have a gun?  Why were the kids out thinking about killing or hurting people? 

The school shooting that happened at in Georgia the bookkeeper who helped the troubled young adult to surrender said in one interview that I watched that the shooter told her that no one loved him and that's why he was doing this.


This is the problem.  We're not valuing our children enough.  They are only little for so long then they grow.  We are living in a nation and economy where both parents have to work in order to keep a roof over head and food on the table.  This needs to change.  Parents need to be with their kids, Children need to know they are loved. 

We are living in a world where we're raising our children in fear.  We crush their hopes and dreams.  Then they are also home alone.  Then there are the parents who are abusive, drunk, and into drugs.  As a parent it's our job to set a good example of life.  As a teacher we need to educate our children in what they need to have a bright future. 


The other day I was out hiking with my family and my oldest daughter stopped to look at moss and I was telling her that it's moss and she can study botany in school (the study of plants) or she can study zoology and become a vet.  My husband looked at me and said "stop planning her life she has a long way to go before she knows what she wants to be" to which my daughter replied "yeah, Mom, I'm only 4!"  Yes, but it's my strong belief that if we tell our children that they can be ANYTHING that they want to be and once they have a dream and passion in one direction to harness it and help them along that they will believe in themselves and go after their goals.  I think that if there was more of this then there wouldn't be so many teen pregnancies, bored and lost teens out getting in trouble. 

I say this from my own experience...
My grandparents told me when I was in high school and had a dream of becoming a teacher that I was too stupid to be a teacher and should take nursing classes (even though I disliked hospitals) and then when I wanted to study horses and go to Cornell University and figure out what with horses I wanted to do they crushed that dream telling me that I didn't know enough and that there's no money in horses.  Gen and Jim really crushed all my dreams and I had very little self-esteem all through school.  I'm lucky that I had teachers and other supporters who told me that they believed in me and thought I'd go far in life.  I do feel like I've let them down that I haven't gone that far or accomplished much at all.  But I haven't stopped trying.  I keep making new goals and one day I'll succeed at something.  


Since my thoughts were a bit all over the place...let me conclude by summing up my thoughts for you.  The world today seems a sad and hostile place and with all the violence our children are facing at such young ages and then growing to commit murders we need to change this for the future generations.  We need to change this world that we're living in and make it a brighter place for all.  In order to make this change we need to offer classes about parenting and give parents more options to learn how to deal with problems that arise (trust me I'm far from perfect and can use some too), we need to raise the minimum wage so that parents aren't spending all their time working and have more quality time with their children, we need to make sure that kids know that they are loved and to support their dreams.  And for the people that have guns in their home they need their children to know that guns are dangerous and not to be touched without an adult and parents for crying out loud lock your guns up so that they aren't easy access to children!!  I think if we do this and teach and show children how to love and to have a respect for one another that the world as a whole will be a more peaceful and happy place.


I'll leave you with some more great photo/quotes relating to children, parenting and a brighter future:

A book that is a MUST for EVERY Parent!!

I told you in my last blog that this year at Take Back the Night I got to hear Norman E. Friedman speak about teaching our children to protect themselves from sexual abuse and how my mother bought me his book; well I have now read it all and really want to encourage every parent, grandparent, guardian, caregiver of children to get it and read it!! I didn't know this at the time but while they were selling the books at Take Back The Night 50% of all sales went towards VIP!! I think that is really great! I wish I had the money at the time to buy a copy for all of my friends and family! I would still love to do so as the book is something that teaches us how to teach our children how to protect themselves and to me you can't put a price on that!!

Even though I was molested as a young child on up through my teen years, and know how important it is to teach children the difference between right and wrong, I didn't know how to teach my daughter the normal good touch, bad touch. I didn't know where or how to start and just hoped that by being very protective over her that nothing would ever happen to her. I am so happy and thankful that I was given the book "Inoculating Your Children Against Sexual Abuse!" I now know how to teach my girls about the "NO TOUCH ZONE", and things to do to help them protect themselves. The lessons in this book are something that every child should learn and every parent needs to teach in their homes!!

"Inoculating Your Children Against Sexual Abuse!" is a two part book. Part one is for parents, caregivers, or anyone who is responsible for a child's safety is any way. It talks about how to pick up on signs of a predator and gives you some facts to many of the common myths about childhood sex abuse. These facts ring very true and are scary. There is also a letter in the book that was written by a child molester to Ann Landers which goes on to tell how a person who is a child molester is never "cured" and how you wouldn't be able to tell him/her apart from anyone else in a crowd. I have never believed that a person can be "cured." I've had friends who have had boyfriends who have hit them and they think that they can "fix" the guy, but I've never seen it happen. Now I've never gone back to see my father and have no desire to, but I'll tell you one thing I don't think his 5 or 7 years in jail did anything! I would never let my children around anyone who has been convicted or even suspected of hurting a child!!

Part two of the book is the most valuable part of the book, in my opinion. This part of the book goes on to tell the parent how to teach children how to keep themselves safe. And it starts with teaching children from age 18months up. The way Mr. Friedman writes the steps and lessons is easy to understand and makes a lot of sense. After reading the book, it seems like common sense but yet it's not how many of us think of things.

Please if you're a parent, or know someone who will become a parent/gaurdian then go out and get the book "Inoculating Your Children Against Sexual Abuse!" It's a book that you can't put a value on having and learning the information, take it from someone who has gone through childhood sexual abuse, it's something you never want any other child to go through and while my life is now good it's something that stays with you forever. I'd do anything I could to make this world a world in which no child would ever know the pain that I have; a world in which every child grew up safe and innocent.

I want to take a moment now to send out my biggest "Thank You" to Norman E. Friedman. Thank you for writing this book!! I'm sure it has helped many parents, families, and children. I know it's one of my most valued books for teaching me how to protect my daughters from facing the same hurt I've had in my past. My mother when she bought it for me said, "It may be 25 years too late for me but it's not for you." I know my family wishes they had the book 25 years ago but the fact of my abuse is that I don't know if it was something that could have been prevented as it was done before I was 5 years of age, by my own father, the one person in the world who should do everything possible to protect you was the one who hurt me. I don't know the reason, I assume money, but for whatever reason my father's parents got coustidy of me, even if my mother, aunt and rest of the family had read the book there was so much fear in my grandparents house that I would never had told anyone. And I didn't tell anyone of what was happeneing until after I was out of the house. I don't think anyone ever would think that the person they married, loved and had children with would ever hurt thier children in that way, parents are supose to be protective! I think that Norman's book should be a staple given out at hospitals after given birth. I think that it's lessons and "instruction manual" gives ways to help children protect themselves and a way for them to feel safe and tell parents about anything that is going on with them. Norman, with what I've gone through, and I know that sadly I'm not the only person as a child to have been abused by a parent, I wish there was a way for the other parent or someone else to notice. If you have any words of advice or anything about this please share it, for myself I was always afraid of having kids until I met my husband. He truely is a great man who I have no concerns about at all. I know that unfortunatily not all woman are as lucky...

I still have a lot more to say thank you to Mr. Friedman for....Thank you for all that you have done in helping children! Not only your book which I'm sure has helped many, but for all your work with children. For those of you reading this that don't know Norman E. Friedman has a long history of careing for and treating children with serious emotional problems, as a educator, counselor, and mental health professional. He has more than 50 years in helping survivors professionally, and had spoken to and taught many organizations, camps, and people who work with children. I know after hearing him speak how much of an impact and help he has been. Thank you for your commitment to protecting our children, and for helping them overcome their past!!

Thank you for taking time to come to Take Back The Night in my town and speaking! What you had to say really reached out to everyone that was there! I only wish that more people had come out that night to hear you talk! I love how your shared personal stories and gave us all very important lessons in how to teach our children to protect themselves!! Your speaking was very empowering, and hopeful to everyone there.

Thank you also for donating 50% of the sales of your books that night at Take Back The Night to VIP! That means so much to me personally that you weren't selling your books for profit yourself but to help such a great organazation who has not only helped me but many other people in our community!

Now a note to all who are reading this, if you ever get a chance to attend somewhere where Norman E. Friedman is speaking, GO! You will take a lot away from what he has to say and will learn invaluable lessons on how to protect our children from abuse. If you haven't done so already, then please get his book!! Read his book, and buy it for your friends and family! Pass the lessons your learn in the book on to all other parents and your children!

I hope that one day we will not have to worry about the safety of our children, I hope that one day the world will be safe for all that there will be an end to violence to all men, woman, and children, that abuse of all types will be non-existant. Until that day comes we have to do ALL that we possibly can to protect ourselves and our children, which includes being educated on these topics, aware of people who have commited these acts, and to speak out against it!!!

Journals

I've kept a diary ever since I was a pre-teen.  I think that a diary is great for kids to have; it's a place for them to express themselves free of critizim, it's a place for them to figure out who they are and what they want in life. I think adults should even keep a journal.  I use to all the way up until after I had my daughter, then life just became too busy and I quite writing.  I do miss having that interspecive alone time and a place to save all my thoughts about what I'm going though at different points in my life.  I use to write almost every day, and every time I had any problem going on in my life.  It helped.

I saved most of my diaries, and love notebooks.  I love filling them.  I have many notebooks that I've filled as my journal, some are full of quotes, poems, places I want to go or things I want to do, give me a notebook and I'll find something to fill it with.  And I almost always save and cherish each of them.  With moving some many times in the last couple years many of my diaries have been packed and misplaced but here's a photo of just some that I have out now

I use to have a hard time expressing myself with words, how I felt, what I thought, and that was really had when I was in relationships and there was a fight, I'd clamp up and not know what to say or how to say it.  When I meet my husband I used my diary every time we argued or disagreed.  We'd stop fighting and I'd pour my heart into that notebook and hand it to him to read, then we'd be able to talk and work things out.

Parents, if you have a child who like me keeps a journal, by all means let them and encourage it!  But please don't read it.  I know what it's like to learn that your private place wasn't ever private, it hurts and it scares you.  When I was 14 or so my grandfather told me that he'd been reading my diary and knew what I thought and what I'd been doing, and shame on me for having such a potty moth in it.  I knew I had no privacy in the house but for some reason I thought that my diaries were safe from them.  They use to do random searches in my room, tear apart my purse and backpack and read all notes from my friends.  And trust me then had no reason to do any of that until I was in high school and had been going though that for a few years always being accused of doing drugs that then I started smoking, and not really caring.  Once I learned that my diaries were being read I didn't stop writing in them I just didn't bring them home, I kept them in school.

Parents, I know you want to know what your child is up to, and thinking about.  I know you want to protect them.  But trust me when I tell you that you'll have broken their bond of trust with you if you read their journals.  Be open with them, and let them know that they can ALWAYS talk to you no matter what you're there for them.  If you do that and have an open line of communication with them then you will not have to worry about what's in the diary.


If you know someone who has been a victim of abuse or know any emotional pain, give them a journal as a gift.  I know they will like it.

Last Night at TBTN

Last night I spoke at Take Back The Night and so did a few others.  I looked at the other victims who spoke or people who knew victims who got up and spoke and couldn't help but to think about how strong they were. It's not easy getting up in front of people and sharing what you or someone you knew went through with sexual violence.  There were a couple people there who looked like they could only be in high school still, I remember what that was like being in high school and going through something similar; I feel for them so much, but they are going to be strong, and they will overcome their past.  Their on the right path to do so by coming out and sharing and raising awareness.  My thoughts are with them and I hope they know that things will get better for them.
Last night's theme was "It's Time To Talk About It".
I know no one wants to talk about it, no one wants to think about it.  I also know no one wants to go through it, and no one wants to admit to having gone through it.  It's hard to face this thing that no one talks about, but we need to, we can't just burr our heads and think that by doing so it won't happen, that by not talking about it that it never did happen; because it does happen!  There are some facts you should know.  Like 1 out of 4 women and 1 out of 6 men will be sexually assaulted at some point in their lives.  And fewer than 20% of sexually violent crimes are reported?  Why do you think that is?? BECAUSE WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IT! People feel ashamed what what happened to them.  They feel like they can't talk about it.  You know I may only be 24 and just one girl but I hope I change this!
I was told from a very young age to not speak of what happened to me.  Go figure my "father's" parents didn't want their name tarnished.  They were big and important.  Some people still respect them...a lot of people do.  So I was told that it would make ME look bad and people would think less of ME if I spoke of what my "father" did...then my grandpa started and I was told no one would believe me if I spoke of it...besides I couldn't send him to jail he was too old.  So for YEARS I kept my mouth shut...never spoke about it.  Then one day at a party another girl and I bonded and we were talking about our past, she told me how she was hurt and I told her how I went through it too.  I was in 7th grade at this point (first time I told anyone after that long night when I first told my GG) well I guess she told her mom and her mom must have told my grandparents because that a couple nights latter I was YELLED at for telling someone what happened to me.  I asked why would I do that?  The kids in school will always pick on me now because of that.
I was never picked on for what I went through.  I learned when I was 16 or so that it's good to talk about it, but it's hard.  Now I'll tell anyone what happened to me...although I don't like to go into detail because it's hard to say it out loud.
It is time to talk about it....it's time to let victims know that it's OK to talk about....that they won't be picked on, they won't look bad, they are extremely strong for surviving and even stronger for talking.

I realized something else last night...
Last night was the first TBTN that my daughter went to. She's 3.  And as I read my speech and came home after and wrote her a letter (I write her letters once in a while like a book she'll have to read when she's older) I realized that I was her age when my father was molesting me.  OMG.  I cried, and I'm still getting sick about that thought...I don't understand how he could have done that to someone so small and innocent and to his own daughter....
My daughter is my world.  And I'll protect her as much as I can from evil...with everything I have.
Next year she'll be 4 and right around then is when I told someone what happened to me...not even knowing it was bad until I had to keep telling other people....
We have to find ways to tell our kids when they are still babies what good touch, bad touch is.  You know how hard that is??  I'm a survivor of child molestation and I still haven't really found a way to talk to my daughter about right and wrong touches.
I guess I haven't really taught her about it because I only leave her with people I trust my heart, soul, and daughter with...I have good instincts about people and she is only left alone with people I know and trust.  Which is hard because you have limited trust after a family member does something like that.  I'd never forgive myself if something was to happen to her.

So last night's theme really was a great one IT IS TIME TO TALK ABOUT IT! It's time to share our stories, it's time to raise awareness, it's time to teach our kids, it's time to teach everyone about the truth behind this unspoken of problem, that this is real!  And it happens to people of all walks of life!