One small thing...to make a difference

I was thinking about my last post...Help Raise Awareness and I thought of one small thing everyone can do to make a difference, to raise awareness, to help someone.

Right now there is a child who is afraid to go home, of what awaits them there, will they be able to sleep tonight without being woken or touched?
There is a girl who is afraid of telling anyone that she was raped...
There is a boy who is struggling to get help because no one talks about how sexual assault can happen to boys as well....
Right now there is someone who is thinking about killing themselves because of what has happened to them
Right now someone is trying to drink away their pain, someone else is using a needle to try to escape reality
Right now there is so many suffering from past abuses, because it's hard to talk about, it's hard to admit what happened
Right now there are so many who are suffering abuse....

YOU can help them!
It's a small thing that I ask....but I think it can make a difference.

Change your profile photos and flood social medias with a post, image, quote saying "you are not alone"

You can take your own, use one of mine below, or search the web for something else...

I will take more and share them on here.  I will also be posting on Instagram and Tumblr.   

Let us see how many people we can reach!

One small change for the next 48 hours.... we can make a difference!!

The Perks Of Being a Wallflower (the movie)

A note before I start. I don't want to ruin or spoil the movie for anyone. It is a great movie so please if you haven't seen it yet then stop reading NOW and go watch it, then come back and read if you wish as I'm sure this entry will make more sense after watching the movie.

　

***Read on only if you've seen the movie***

 

I am so happy I was able to rent The Perks of Being a Wallflower from my local library and got to watch it.

I always find it hard to watch a movie or show that brings up childhood abuse or rape. I wasn't raped but the feeling that come with watching that are really hard to deal with. Everytime my chest gets tight, I often feel like hiding somewhere, I remember how I felt, and I always feel ashamed and like everyone around me can tell that I was that kid in the movie. I don't know if everyone feels that way...I never ask, I've never told how thoses scenes make me feel. I'd describe it a panic or anziity attack. And it always makes me uncomfortable to watch when there's a lot of people in the room, espically if I do cry or really freak out over my flood of feelings from the past. It does usually help to have my husband near to comfort me. Even though this is how I feel I still think it's important to have movies, and TV shows, and books that adress childhood abuse. It's important to make other uncomfortable, and to show them that this really does happen.

For me writing helps me sort out my feeling or to overcome emotions. It helps me to let it all out...and I can't let it out by talking. Talking about the way I feel has always been very hard for me even in coucling so I've always written...it is 12:15 in the morning and after watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower I had so much on my mind that I had to get it out. I hope to write and be done so that I can get some sleep tonight. Just a little side note for other survivors or victems, do whatever it takes for your feeling to be out there. Now back to relating to the movie...

I guesse now it a good time to relate to the main charater, Charlie. I could relate to him right off the bat. He kept a type of diary, writing letters to a Dear Friend, talking about what was comming up and how he was feeling just then, but never once did he mention abuse in the letters. He was a wallflower, a loner, and he was scared and nervous. He got close to a teacher, who probably didn't know it but helped him out, and encouraged his writing and education. He said in the begining of the movie how he went all summer without talking to anyone outside of his family. I knew just how he was feeling for that was me, all throughout school. I didn't make friends easily, but was really close to teachers. There were a few who were really helped me. I had friends in school but none that I was really really close to, and not one that I talked to over breaks. Jen and Jim kept me very issolated from everyone. Every year at the begining of the school year I'd wonder who would want to talk to me. It didn't bother me, I didn't mind sitting back and listening. I loved school it was my safe-haven from my home life where I could never do anything right and had to wonder if Jim was going to try to see me naked or touch me. I always kept a diary, although I never mentioned any abuse I was going through. I didn't start writing about my abuse or feelings over it until I was getting counceling from VIP.

By the end of the movie you learn about the molestation he had gone through, although you would have never known. Since I had watched this movie after reading "Inoculating Your Children Against Sexual Abuse!" I picked up on the big sign of the aunt telling him "our little secret" about getting him a gift. Other than that you wouldn't have known about what was going on, until they show you. I will encourage all parents now to get the book "Inoculating Your Children Against Sexual Abuse!" as it goes through steps in teaching your children to protect themselves one of which is your family has no secrets, and it also has a checklist for you to ask yourself about anyone that's around your kids.

He says that one of the hardest days is when he was getting help the doctor had to tell his parents what had happened to him, and how hard it was on everyone. Having gone through that not only once but twice, I can tell you it's extremely hard! Childhood sexual abuse doesn't only effect the child, but once everyone around, just in a different way. My family told me that they feel like they should have known, and sometimes blame themselves for what happened to me. It's hard to come to terms with that someone you know, someone that is part of your family would do such a thing to a child, to your child, one who you thought was safe. Parents wouldn't leave their kids alone with someone who they didn't think the kids wouldn't be safe with, so the abuse always comes as a big surprise. It was hard for me at a young age of 5 or so to tell my family the first time, espically since I didn't understand why they were making a big deal out of it or what was happening. The second time I had to tell people I was a grown teen of 17...and that was hard. I had to tell everyone that I had this big secret that I had kept and hidden for years. I think the movie did a great job at showing how hard it was on everyone to learn of what had happened, and to show how ackward it is after, how everyone feels uneasy. It's hard to get that emotion in a movie, but I think they did it well. I think it's easier for me to understand since I had gone through it.

The great thing for Charlie is that he made really great close friends who were there for him. And he had a very supporting family.

Just like in reality Charlie wasn't the only one to have suffered abuse, and I love how the writers go on to show that your friends don't turn their backs on you when they learn of your past.

Charlie's sister dates a guy through the movie and in one scene, and only one scene they show a fight between the two of them and he hits her. I've never been in a relationship like that but have had friends who have. I always said, and told my husband, if I was ever hit that would be the end of the relationship no matter what. I had my share of abuse growing up and I wouldn't and won't put up with it. I honestly don't understand why anyone would stay with someone who hits them or makes them feel bad. My one friend who I had learned that her boyfriend had hit her, when I told her to leave him and that she could do better, she made the excuse for him that she egged him on, it was only that one time, that she wouldn't stay if he hit her again, and that she had already invested too many years with him that she couldn't find anyone else and that she loved him. This same friend when set up with a great guy a few years before and went out on a date, told me that she couldn't date him because he was too nice for her and she didn't deserve that. It's really sad, and they say it in the movie, people go for and stay with what they feel they deserve. It's true, you do. I dated a lot of jerks and guys below me but there were 2 who really were good and showed me that I could date above the level I thought. One was my high school sweetheart who I dated for just under a year. He was supportive and the first one I told about what Jim had done to me. While we didn't stay together, him and I still remained close friend, and still are to this day. I'm very thankful to him for all the support he gave me. After we broke up, I went back to a low self estem and not dating anyone good. Finally my best friend at the time set me up on a blind date with the man who is now my husband. I really didn't think he'd want to stay with me, but he did, and he's turned my life around! So, if you're someone who is with someone who treats you poorly, just know that you deserve better, even if you don't think so, you do, you're worth more than you think!! I love how they show at the end of the movie the sister does leave her boyfriend and they show her happier without him.

Charlie's first relationship is with a girl he didn't really want to be with. I've been there too! He stayed with her because he felt bad for breaking up with her. There is no abuse in this relationship. He finally ends the relationship in an awful way. I really felt bad for the girl. It is never a good idea to stay in a relationship that you don't love the person your with. As a person who always wants people to be happy that's really hard to do. I know I dated a guy once who was sucidal. I didn't want to be with him, and had no feeling for him. I only said yes to going out with him because he got up the nerve to ask me out and I felt like I'd really hurt his feeling if I said no. Then once I learned about how he'd inflict self pain, I didn't want to break up with him for fear of him really hurting himself. It was a very awkward, and intense relationship. After dating only a week he told me that he loved me, and then at 2 weeks he told me that if I ever left him he'd kill himself. Wow. that makes it hard. I broke up with him finally after he had hurt himself and ended up in a mental hospital where he had called me. I figured at least there he was safe. I'm happy to say that the relationship in the movie wasn't like that, but it did remind me of that relationship I had. Relationships are hard and tricky, but you have to do what's best for you.

Charlie makes a great friend in Patrick, who is outwardly gay, but in a closed closet relationship. Patrick's boyfriend will not come out of the closet because he says his father will beat him, and when his father catches the two of them together he does. It comes out that the father started beating his son in front of Patrick. He didn't do anything to stop it and left. I feel really bad for both boys. I can't relate to them for lack of expierence here. I was only beat a few times, never in front of non family and never had to cover bruises. I feel for those who are gay and afraid of coming out. I wish people would stop judging and putting religion into it, they can believe whatever they want but 2 people who are of the same sex and want to be together aren't hurting anyone so why make them feel bad? I know as a mother, I would not turn my back on either of my girls if they told me they had a girlfriend. I think as a parent it's your job to be supportive. The sad thing about this abuse is that neither boy told anyone else, and neither of them got help. I don't care if their reason was that it only happened once, there is NO reason to beat a child, teen, person, like that. The dad should have gone to jail.

Through Patrick, Charlie meets Sam. He falls for her right away. One night she opens up about her first kiss being with her father's boss, when she was 11. She talks about how she was, we'll use the term lose, her freshman year. This too I can sadly relate to. While my family doesn't know, or well, didn't, if they read this they will and hope they don't think poorly of me. After finally getting out of Jen and Jim's house and given freedom, I had my first love, I mentioned him before. He was great to me, but when we broke up I felt like nothing. I was living with great family, but I lost all self respect. I slept around a bit until I met the man who is my husband. When you've been put down for so long, forced to undress, and be touched, it takes away your self esteem.

All of this makes the movie so powerful, heavy, and intense. I'm so happy that this movie brings up so many issues that I've had, and brings to light the topics of different kinds of abuse and how it effects people. I wasn't expecting any of that from the previews. The writers did a great job in while bringing to light such painful realities, really telling a full story, and kept you watching. They didn't go into full, hard to watch scenes of abuse, which makes it a lot easier to watch, when they did show any it was in a very short clip. Mostly the abuse it talked about, just like in reality, when friends finally open up and share with each other.

Thank you again to the writers, producers, and cast in this movie for doing such a wonderful job, and for bringing to light some many important matters!

Speaking tomorrow at Take Back The Night

Tomorrow night is Take Back The Night by me; TBTN is a rally against sexual violence, and it happens all over the country through out the month of April.  I've gone to 2 others before and they are powerful gatherings and very heavy and emotional.  Sexual assault and abuse is something very hard to go through and it hurts, you can fell the pain in the atmosphere at these rallies.  It's also a time to bring about awareness and give hope and share personal stories.  
I was asked to speak at our TBTN rally tomorrow by my counselor who helped me through high school with what I went through.  Of course I didn't really have to think about it, I think raising awareness is important and sharing my story is part of that.  


I want to share my speech for tomorrow on here with everyone so that all of you can be apart of tomorrow as well even if you're not there.  I've revised some of it for the web instead of speaking to a crowd.

Hey everyone, thanks for coming out and showing your support for victims and rallying together to raise awareness and help end sexual assault and abuse.

I was introduced to Victims Intervention Program about 8 years ago and they’ve really help me start to face my past and even what I was still going through when I started talking to them.  I’ve stayed in touch with the people who helped me and were by my side for 3 years, they’re great friends to have and wonderful people.  They made a big difference in my life and I know I’m just one of many.  Let’s give them a big hand to say Thank You for all they’ve done and all they do.  (Please if you know of a VIP near you or see that they are doing a fundraiser please help them out, it's a good cause.  Also if you are a victim then think about volunteering and helping others who are going through similar situations)

I was molested by my biological father at a young age, when it started I don’t know, it stopped when I told my family at the age of 4 or 5.  Then his parents took me in and the abuse started again, my grandmother blamed me for her son going to jail and I was the one who caused everything, then her husband who taught me how to shave and talked to me and stood up for me turned into the one who started to touch me inapropratly, then had me show him my chest so he could measure the growth of my boobs, that excelled into having to ride in the car without pants or showing him my boobs, and if I said no it was a big deal and no wasn’t something you told him ever.  Finally with the help of VIP and others I moved out and pressed charges.

I carried a lot of what I was told and what happened to me around for those 17 years and it wasn’t until after that I realized a lot of what I was told wasn’t true, and that I could change who I was into who ever I wanted to be.  A couple weeks ago I went to see, former rocket scientist and now great motivational speak, Rick Seymour speak.  He talked about self image, how our brains work and how to get the things you want in life.  A lot of what he said hit home to me.  He talked about how we get our self image from emotional and repitious events, and then he told us to dream and those dreams will make a difference in our lives and that we can make dreams a reality.

I had a very low self image.  I was always treated like Cinderella, I wasn’t allowed to talk unless spoken to, had to do all the farm chores while my brother watched, and I couldn’t ever do anything right.  I was told I was fat and stupid and that I’d never amount to anything.  I believed them.  I found it hard to make friends, and I always wanted to lose weight, but I also wanted to prove them wrong, but there was a voice in my head that kept arguing how I couldn’t do things I wanted.  I met my husband and through his upliving words my self image started to change.  Then a I started my own photography business and really felt like I was proving them wrong, but after a 2 years of it not taking off like I thought it would I once again heard the voice saying “failure” then I was introduced to Shaklee, and really started to feel empowered.  After hearing Rick Seymour speak I know know with out a doubt that what I was told for years wasn’t true, and that I am a successful business owner, I’m a surviver, I’m smart, pretty, and I can do all the things in life I want to.  I tell myself that every day because we need to reinforce the positives in our life.  

Then we were asked to dream.  I had my dreams stolen from me at a very young age.  I never dreamed of what my future would look like, I just let things happen and hoped for the best.  Who was I to dream of cars, money, vacations??  I should be happy with what I have.  That’s what I was taught and what I was told.  No one ever told me to dream, no one said you can do anything you want, it will take work but you can do it.  I learned how to dream that day.  I learned a lot that day.

I use to spend a lot of time looking back at the past and trying to figure out how my life would be different had I gotten help sooner, or what I could have done differently.  I found that that made me depressed and didn’t help me move forward in life.  I want everyone here to know that you are wonderful, beautiful, strong, and you should dream, and use those dreams to move you forward.  I think that because of the abuse and hardships we’ve had it takes a toll on us to the point that we don’t know about the good things in us.  I know that was true for me.  Shame on your friends and family if they don’t tell you everyday that you should do what makes you happy because you deserve to be happy.  After what we’ve gone through we should be able to live the life we want, and you can.  If any of you need someone to help you find your dreams or you need someone there to show you how great and strong you are come over to me and I’ll be happy to talk to you one on one and so will VIP.

I found a quote that I loved and I think it’s very fitting for tonight

I love that quote so much it’s the background on my computer and it drives me.  I struggled with why did this happen to me and I use to dwell on my past, the hurt and worry will always be there but the more you can forget about those people who didn’t treat you right and focus on the ones that do, the happier you’ll be.  Don’t ever forget what happened to you, don’t try to, use that and share it with everyone so that they know this is real and a problem.  And I couldn’t figure out why me, why did it happen, why is there abuse of all kinds in this world.  I don’t have an answer.  All I know is my past hurt me but because I worked through it I’m stronger and now know that I went through all that so I could tell my story, raise awareness and help other women with their past and help them find their inner strength to do the same.  I want to inspire everyone to dream, to stand up against their past, to stand up and make sure everyone knows that NO MEANS NO.