Thankful

Happy Thanksgiving!  Every year I like to count my blessings and make a list of all the things I have to be thankful for in my life.  I did share a lot off my list on my photography blog.  I wanted to write more about the things I'm thankful for here.

I remember as a child having to write a few things we were thankful for in school and how hard holidays can be when you've gone though something traumatic but counting all the good things in life helps realize that not all hope is gone; not all is bad.

So now what am I thankful for?

I'm so thankful for...

• My husband, who has always stood by my side.  He's been very supportive of all I've wanted to do.  He listened to me when I needed someone to talk to, he's been my shoulder when I needed one to cry on, and he's always been by my side whenever I needed to do anything like speaking at Take Back The Night.  He's shown me that there are men that I can trust, and that there are good guys out there, that they aren't all bad like some who have hurt me in my past.
• My daughter.  She's one of my biggest  blessings.  I never thought I'd have kids because I didn't want to bring a child into such a cruel world and chance them going through the abuse I did.  Thanks to my husband I changed my mind-and I couldn't be happier that I did!  She is sweet, innocent, full of evergy and she's my way to have the childhood I wish I had.
• My family and friends.  I am very lucky to have such a large support system.  While yes I've been hurt by some family and others turned their back on me when I came out about the abuse I had gone through, a large majority of my family believed me and helped me.  I'm so thankful for my friends and family who have helped me and always been there for me.  While it is hard to talk about the abuse to people, my friends have never looked at me differently like I use to get told they would.  Thanks to my friends and family they have showed me how to live life and have fun, I have many great memories to look back on now.
• V.I.P. and school counselors. Once I came forward about my abuse I had a lot of help from both my school counselors and V.I.P.  Even before I admitted that my "grandfather" was abusing me, my counselor got me help from VIP to deal with my abuse from my "father".  I'm also thankful that there are programs such as these (and more) to help other victims get the help they need.
• Horses.  While I have talked to counselors and they have helped there's nothing like the calming effect of being around horses.  I'm so thankful I've had horses in my life-when thing are feeling overwhelming I know I can always brush, ride or just be around the horses at the barn and get my calm back. 
•  
• A roof over my head, power, and having food to eat each day.  I know there are many people in the world that don't have those simple things in life.
•  Getting over my fears.  This year with help of my daughter and friends I got over my fear of snakes.  I never thought that would happen.  I also never thought I'd find myself married and with children, but thanks to my husband I let go of the fears that were holding me back there.  
• And this year we got a nice surprise that we're expecting a second baby! I loved being pregnant with my daughter and am very excited and thankful that I'm going to experience pregnancy again :)

Well I hope that you all find that you have many things to be thankful for this year as well, and that you all have a very happy Thanksgiving.

Summer has long gone

Time has gotten away with me it seems and summer has come and gone talking with it warm breezes, golden sunshine, and the carefree inner child that sings with joy about swimming in a refreshing pool.

So here we are facing the chilly air, beautiful changing leaves, warming hot chocolates, and the comfort of blankets, hoodies, and a good book to read.

I'm sorry I haven't written or posted anything for so long, in those wonderful days of summer I found myself very busy and life catching up with me.  Now that the weather has cooled quite a bit I'm finally getting more time to write.  I hope everyone enjoyed their summer.  Now with more time I hope to be back and continue to share my story with you and hope to help others over come their pas or seek help if they need

A time to heal

The big thing all over the local news has been the Sandusky trial.  Last night on the news they talked about the victims moving on and how the first victim is a hero and you know I'm so happy that this story has been all over the news, because it raises awareness and all the victims that came out are heroes especially the first one because it's hard to admit what you went through.
The whole story makes me think about my abuse for years because like Sandusky my "grandfather" was well respected and a man in power in the area.  That side of my family owned and still owns many school buses.  It was terrifying for me to come out and tell my counselor what I had gone through, then to have to go and tell the state police, it was hard and scary.  What made it worst was that I had gone through all of that as a child with my own biological father, who was a school bus driver, and owned many school buses.  He was found guilty and served only 5years in jail.  There was no news about this, everything was kept hush-hush, and I was told never to talk about it.  For many years I never spoke about it.  And very few people knew, I didn't even know who knew and who didn't, and life went on.  I grew up and my well respected, school bus driver, grandfather started the abuse, touching me, making me undress, and NO ONE knew.  I didn't dare speak of it.  What good would it do anyway?  Rick didn't face any real concenqueses...5years in jail, probation, and it's on his record, but that's it.  He didn't have to register where he lives, and he's still around school buses. 


I am so proud of all the victims that came out against Sandusky and shared their story of what happened.  I know how hard that is!  All of you were an example of what people should do when they know about any type of abuse going on.  There are many people out there who never step forward and tell what happened to them or never get help for abuse they are going through, everyone who out and spoke about what Sandusky did to them really I believe encouraged all those people to find their voice and to have the courage to stand up to their abusers. 


I want to thank all the victims who came out and spoke about stood up to Sandusky.  I also want to tell you all that the pain and suffering you're going though will lessen, and things will get better.  Don't be afraid of getting help or finding one person you can talk to.  Do what you need to to heal, and trust that not all people are bad.  


I wish I had had the strength to stand up to my grandfather sooner, but I know that even now I wouldn't have been able to, his power and strength scared me.  He has since passed on and I think that there is a God or some higher power that will punish him, at least I hope so!  

Journals

I've kept a diary ever since I was a pre-teen.  I think that a diary is great for kids to have; it's a place for them to express themselves free of critizim, it's a place for them to figure out who they are and what they want in life. I think adults should even keep a journal.  I use to all the way up until after I had my daughter, then life just became too busy and I quite writing.  I do miss having that interspecive alone time and a place to save all my thoughts about what I'm going though at different points in my life.  I use to write almost every day, and every time I had any problem going on in my life.  It helped.

I saved most of my diaries, and love notebooks.  I love filling them.  I have many notebooks that I've filled as my journal, some are full of quotes, poems, places I want to go or things I want to do, give me a notebook and I'll find something to fill it with.  And I almost always save and cherish each of them.  With moving some many times in the last couple years many of my diaries have been packed and misplaced but here's a photo of just some that I have out now

I use to have a hard time expressing myself with words, how I felt, what I thought, and that was really had when I was in relationships and there was a fight, I'd clamp up and not know what to say or how to say it.  When I meet my husband I used my diary every time we argued or disagreed.  We'd stop fighting and I'd pour my heart into that notebook and hand it to him to read, then we'd be able to talk and work things out.

Parents, if you have a child who like me keeps a journal, by all means let them and encourage it!  But please don't read it.  I know what it's like to learn that your private place wasn't ever private, it hurts and it scares you.  When I was 14 or so my grandfather told me that he'd been reading my diary and knew what I thought and what I'd been doing, and shame on me for having such a potty moth in it.  I knew I had no privacy in the house but for some reason I thought that my diaries were safe from them.  They use to do random searches in my room, tear apart my purse and backpack and read all notes from my friends.  And trust me then had no reason to do any of that until I was in high school and had been going though that for a few years always being accused of doing drugs that then I started smoking, and not really caring.  Once I learned that my diaries were being read I didn't stop writing in them I just didn't bring them home, I kept them in school.

Parents, I know you want to know what your child is up to, and thinking about.  I know you want to protect them.  But trust me when I tell you that you'll have broken their bond of trust with you if you read their journals.  Be open with them, and let them know that they can ALWAYS talk to you no matter what you're there for them.  If you do that and have an open line of communication with them then you will not have to worry about what's in the diary.


If you know someone who has been a victim of abuse or know any emotional pain, give them a journal as a gift.  I know they will like it.

You can never completely forget

Anyone who's been abused will never forget what happened to them.  They try but it will always be a permanent stamp on their memory.  Trust me I know this.

I thought that as you got older and everything wasn't so fresh in your mind the memories would fade; but they don't.  I have blank spots in my memory but the sad thing is some of what happened to me is burned into my mind and I can still remember everything happening clearly, sometime I try to change the outcome but it's like watching a movie in your mind and nothing changes :(  You can't change the past; I know that.  I know that thinking about the past doesn't help me to move forward, but there will always be something that triggers a bad memory.  Sometimes it's something that happens in a movie, on TV, or the news, sometimes it's a simple question that's asked, sometimes it's something that you learned and then you wonder if things would have been different had you known then.

I don't know how to handle these triggers.  They still affect me.  For as strong as some people tell me I am, when a flash back is triggered I don't feel strong at all; instead I'm left feeling weak, along, vulnerable, and ashamed.  Then for a while after I'm depressed.

I have a lot of experience in overcoming that depression.  It's hard.  Sometimes it takes time to overcome, but it's so important to get your happiness, strength, and confidence back.  Even more importantly you need to know that it's not your fault.

If you have a support system use them!  If you don't, then that makes it really hard and I'm sorry about that, you'll have to find a way to overcome that depression on your own, and that makes you really strong!

My tips on overcoming that depression

**go outside, get fresh air, and lots of sunshine**

-go hiking, horse back riding, or whatever outdoor activity you enjoy

-or just sit outside and read, paint your nails, or watch the clouds

**take vitamins**

-Vitamin D "the sunshine vitamin" 

Most people don't have enough vitamin D in their diet (especially us northern states) so this is a must!

-Multivitamin

Your mood will go up when you feel better.

-Probiotic

Yes, Probiotics are for healthy digestion, and they help boost your immune system!  Even better (I just learned over the weekend from Chiropractor of the year(both in the US and internationally) Carol Ann Malizia) That probiotics help not only your body, but also the mind and mood of a person!  That was awesome to me, but I wanted proof of that so I searched and found Probiotics could be good for your mood.

-Stress Relief Complex

We all know that when you're depressed that your stress levels go way up (at least they do for me) lower them naturally.

~you will notice that all the supplements I listed come from Shaklee, that's because of the science, quality, and PROVEN effectiveness of all their products.  Shaklee is the number one natural nutrition company in the US (Google it if you want to) and is the ONLY company I trust with my health and the health and safety of my family!~

**it's not always sunny and nice outside**

-do one of your indoor hobbies

-write

-vent to someone who understands

-call a hotline if you have no one to talk to

-dive into your work

I'll leave you with these images I've shared on facebook:

I'm a horse person.

I think horses are the best therapy a person can buy.  They really are strong, beautiful, powerful, free animals, and when we're around them the give some of that to us.  They also listen without passing any judgment.

When you're not a athletic runner like me they give you the strongest legs so that you can run and make you feel like you're flying and will help you in letting go of all your worries.

NC vote AGAINST amendment one

One of my friends from NC shared this and it makes me really angry...what is our country coming to that they think that single women can't be abused??  Abuse can happen to anyone, man, woman, child, teen, straight, gay, of any religion, of any color, weather they are poor or wealthy....




NO MEANS NO and weather your married, single, conservative, or a hooker if you say no that means NO and that's everyone's right...

I think this is just NC, but as my friend shared with me "there have been several similar amendments proposed all over the country- some restricting the concept of marriage to heterosexual marriages and others are opening up the definition. Also, several states have lately been proposing bills to take away a woman's right to leave a marriage and also criminalizing single-parenthood."

What are we coming to? the first amendment is for FREEDOM of speech, religion, press, and gatherings...FREEDOM...why are we now trying to restrict that for certain people or bind them to a bad situation?  

Domestic violence can happen to anyone and EVERYONE should be able to get help and protection.  I have never voted but if I was living in NC again I would darn well be out there voting next week.  Here are a couple other post I've seen:



I hope that this does not pass, I hope that women, men, and children of all ages, race, status, religion and however else you want to classify people, will always know that they can get help if they are being hurt, that they aren't to blame, that they did nothing wrong and they weren't asking for it.  I think that's one of the worst things I've ever heard, "they were asking for it" NO ONE wants to be hurt (in any way).
 

Please spread the word to any of your friends in NC you can do so by sharing with them this facebook page.

Last Night at TBTN

Last night I spoke at Take Back The Night and so did a few others.  I looked at the other victims who spoke or people who knew victims who got up and spoke and couldn't help but to think about how strong they were. It's not easy getting up in front of people and sharing what you or someone you knew went through with sexual violence.  There were a couple people there who looked like they could only be in high school still, I remember what that was like being in high school and going through something similar; I feel for them so much, but they are going to be strong, and they will overcome their past.  Their on the right path to do so by coming out and sharing and raising awareness.  My thoughts are with them and I hope they know that things will get better for them.
Last night's theme was "It's Time To Talk About It".
I know no one wants to talk about it, no one wants to think about it.  I also know no one wants to go through it, and no one wants to admit to having gone through it.  It's hard to face this thing that no one talks about, but we need to, we can't just burr our heads and think that by doing so it won't happen, that by not talking about it that it never did happen; because it does happen!  There are some facts you should know.  Like 1 out of 4 women and 1 out of 6 men will be sexually assaulted at some point in their lives.  And fewer than 20% of sexually violent crimes are reported?  Why do you think that is?? BECAUSE WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IT! People feel ashamed what what happened to them.  They feel like they can't talk about it.  You know I may only be 24 and just one girl but I hope I change this!
I was told from a very young age to not speak of what happened to me.  Go figure my "father's" parents didn't want their name tarnished.  They were big and important.  Some people still respect them...a lot of people do.  So I was told that it would make ME look bad and people would think less of ME if I spoke of what my "father" did...then my grandpa started and I was told no one would believe me if I spoke of it...besides I couldn't send him to jail he was too old.  So for YEARS I kept my mouth shut...never spoke about it.  Then one day at a party another girl and I bonded and we were talking about our past, she told me how she was hurt and I told her how I went through it too.  I was in 7th grade at this point (first time I told anyone after that long night when I first told my GG) well I guess she told her mom and her mom must have told my grandparents because that a couple nights latter I was YELLED at for telling someone what happened to me.  I asked why would I do that?  The kids in school will always pick on me now because of that.
I was never picked on for what I went through.  I learned when I was 16 or so that it's good to talk about it, but it's hard.  Now I'll tell anyone what happened to me...although I don't like to go into detail because it's hard to say it out loud.
It is time to talk about it....it's time to let victims know that it's OK to talk about....that they won't be picked on, they won't look bad, they are extremely strong for surviving and even stronger for talking.

I realized something else last night...
Last night was the first TBTN that my daughter went to. She's 3.  And as I read my speech and came home after and wrote her a letter (I write her letters once in a while like a book she'll have to read when she's older) I realized that I was her age when my father was molesting me.  OMG.  I cried, and I'm still getting sick about that thought...I don't understand how he could have done that to someone so small and innocent and to his own daughter....
My daughter is my world.  And I'll protect her as much as I can from evil...with everything I have.
Next year she'll be 4 and right around then is when I told someone what happened to me...not even knowing it was bad until I had to keep telling other people....
We have to find ways to tell our kids when they are still babies what good touch, bad touch is.  You know how hard that is??  I'm a survivor of child molestation and I still haven't really found a way to talk to my daughter about right and wrong touches.
I guess I haven't really taught her about it because I only leave her with people I trust my heart, soul, and daughter with...I have good instincts about people and she is only left alone with people I know and trust.  Which is hard because you have limited trust after a family member does something like that.  I'd never forgive myself if something was to happen to her.

So last night's theme really was a great one IT IS TIME TO TALK ABOUT IT! It's time to share our stories, it's time to raise awareness, it's time to teach our kids, it's time to teach everyone about the truth behind this unspoken of problem, that this is real!  And it happens to people of all walks of life!

Speaking tomorrow at Take Back The Night

Tomorrow night is Take Back The Night by me; TBTN is a rally against sexual violence, and it happens all over the country through out the month of April.  I've gone to 2 others before and they are powerful gatherings and very heavy and emotional.  Sexual assault and abuse is something very hard to go through and it hurts, you can fell the pain in the atmosphere at these rallies.  It's also a time to bring about awareness and give hope and share personal stories.  
I was asked to speak at our TBTN rally tomorrow by my counselor who helped me through high school with what I went through.  Of course I didn't really have to think about it, I think raising awareness is important and sharing my story is part of that.  


I want to share my speech for tomorrow on here with everyone so that all of you can be apart of tomorrow as well even if you're not there.  I've revised some of it for the web instead of speaking to a crowd.

Hey everyone, thanks for coming out and showing your support for victims and rallying together to raise awareness and help end sexual assault and abuse.

I was introduced to Victims Intervention Program about 8 years ago and they’ve really help me start to face my past and even what I was still going through when I started talking to them.  I’ve stayed in touch with the people who helped me and were by my side for 3 years, they’re great friends to have and wonderful people.  They made a big difference in my life and I know I’m just one of many.  Let’s give them a big hand to say Thank You for all they’ve done and all they do.  (Please if you know of a VIP near you or see that they are doing a fundraiser please help them out, it's a good cause.  Also if you are a victim then think about volunteering and helping others who are going through similar situations)

I was molested by my biological father at a young age, when it started I don’t know, it stopped when I told my family at the age of 4 or 5.  Then his parents took me in and the abuse started again, my grandmother blamed me for her son going to jail and I was the one who caused everything, then her husband who taught me how to shave and talked to me and stood up for me turned into the one who started to touch me inapropratly, then had me show him my chest so he could measure the growth of my boobs, that excelled into having to ride in the car without pants or showing him my boobs, and if I said no it was a big deal and no wasn’t something you told him ever.  Finally with the help of VIP and others I moved out and pressed charges.

I carried a lot of what I was told and what happened to me around for those 17 years and it wasn’t until after that I realized a lot of what I was told wasn’t true, and that I could change who I was into who ever I wanted to be.  A couple weeks ago I went to see, former rocket scientist and now great motivational speak, Rick Seymour speak.  He talked about self image, how our brains work and how to get the things you want in life.  A lot of what he said hit home to me.  He talked about how we get our self image from emotional and repitious events, and then he told us to dream and those dreams will make a difference in our lives and that we can make dreams a reality.

I had a very low self image.  I was always treated like Cinderella, I wasn’t allowed to talk unless spoken to, had to do all the farm chores while my brother watched, and I couldn’t ever do anything right.  I was told I was fat and stupid and that I’d never amount to anything.  I believed them.  I found it hard to make friends, and I always wanted to lose weight, but I also wanted to prove them wrong, but there was a voice in my head that kept arguing how I couldn’t do things I wanted.  I met my husband and through his upliving words my self image started to change.  Then a I started my own photography business and really felt like I was proving them wrong, but after a 2 years of it not taking off like I thought it would I once again heard the voice saying “failure” then I was introduced to Shaklee, and really started to feel empowered.  After hearing Rick Seymour speak I know know with out a doubt that what I was told for years wasn’t true, and that I am a successful business owner, I’m a surviver, I’m smart, pretty, and I can do all the things in life I want to.  I tell myself that every day because we need to reinforce the positives in our life.  

Then we were asked to dream.  I had my dreams stolen from me at a very young age.  I never dreamed of what my future would look like, I just let things happen and hoped for the best.  Who was I to dream of cars, money, vacations??  I should be happy with what I have.  That’s what I was taught and what I was told.  No one ever told me to dream, no one said you can do anything you want, it will take work but you can do it.  I learned how to dream that day.  I learned a lot that day.

I use to spend a lot of time looking back at the past and trying to figure out how my life would be different had I gotten help sooner, or what I could have done differently.  I found that that made me depressed and didn’t help me move forward in life.  I want everyone here to know that you are wonderful, beautiful, strong, and you should dream, and use those dreams to move you forward.  I think that because of the abuse and hardships we’ve had it takes a toll on us to the point that we don’t know about the good things in us.  I know that was true for me.  Shame on your friends and family if they don’t tell you everyday that you should do what makes you happy because you deserve to be happy.  After what we’ve gone through we should be able to live the life we want, and you can.  If any of you need someone to help you find your dreams or you need someone there to show you how great and strong you are come over to me and I’ll be happy to talk to you one on one and so will VIP.

I found a quote that I loved and I think it’s very fitting for tonight

I love that quote so much it’s the background on my computer and it drives me.  I struggled with why did this happen to me and I use to dwell on my past, the hurt and worry will always be there but the more you can forget about those people who didn’t treat you right and focus on the ones that do, the happier you’ll be.  Don’t ever forget what happened to you, don’t try to, use that and share it with everyone so that they know this is real and a problem.  And I couldn’t figure out why me, why did it happen, why is there abuse of all kinds in this world.  I don’t have an answer.  All I know is my past hurt me but because I worked through it I’m stronger and now know that I went through all that so I could tell my story, raise awareness and help other women with their past and help them find their inner strength to do the same.  I want to inspire everyone to dream, to stand up against their past, to stand up and make sure everyone knows that NO MEANS NO.

Welcome

Welcome to my newest blog.  If you've read my blog Open Eyes then you know why I've started this blog.

I am 24 years old, a wife, a mother, a volunteer, a photographer, and a health and wellness educator!  I was a victim.


April is sexual assault awareness month and the perfect time to start sharing my past with everyone.

This blog will be all about my past.  I had once thought about writing a book about the abuse I went through (even tried to write some of it down) but found that it was really hard to do.  I have some black walls in my memory from my childhood that makes trying to remember or retell the whole story hard.

I hope to give other victims hope, and inspiration, and someone to relate to.  I also want to raise awareness with this blog.  I've been around a lot of people who have made jokes about sexual assault and they didn't even know how much it bothered me and how I wanted to scream "it's not funny! I'm that person that you're cracking a joke at." But I never did because I felt so below everyone else that it didn't matter.  No one should feel that way, and by sharing my story I hope that it makes other people aware of how real sexual abuse is and that you don't always know what the people around you have gone through or are going through.