TBTN 2017 Healing

I saw a post from Project emancipate on Instagram that said "Healing isn't linear"  That's true.  We have our ups where we're overcoming our past and moving on, then something triggers us into falling down sometimes only a little and we can easily dust ourselves off and get to a better place, but sometimes it's a long fall where we are hurting and can't seem to find a light to look forward to.  Healing is a slow process and it needs to be said, it's not done alone.

Think about it:

Broken bones take time to mend, and a support team: doctors, friends, physical therapy.

Addiction isn't broken on one's own, but with help, support, and courage from friends, family, therapy.

The death of a loved one, that hurts so deep and it doesn't feel like you can recover from such a loss takes time and help from people around you to finally start to move forward.

Why would we think it would be any different from emotional, mental, and sexual abuses?  Is it because we were told to be ashamed of what happened to us?  Is it because it's not something that always leaves a visible wound - so it's less acknowledged?  Is it because people don't want to hear the pain of what we've been through that it's something too hard to hear so society throws their hands over their ears like a 5 year old does when they don't want to listen?

Why is it thought that once the abuse ends, all is better?  Like a band aid put over an invisible boo-boo you're expected to run along and play.

I was told growing up to not talk to anyone about what happened.  I was taught to be ashamed, even that it was my fault.  Before I was in school my biological father had molested me - he was convicted and spent 5 years in jail.

Don't you think it would have been better had he been made to feel shame - that he'd have to say to everyone he ever met what he did so they'd see what he really was and have all the blame?  Instead of asking a child why they'd talk to anyone about it - it's in the past, leave it there!  But that's not how things worked at the time, he did his time and now he co-owner and manager of a school bus company.  How is that right?  

My story didn't stop there - My grandparents on the same side raised me - abuse is a learned cycle isn't it?  Started with one person who hurts another and if they don't know or learn any different then that's normal and they continue the abuse passing it on.  So why was I place in the same home that raised a child sex offender? Money, connections, a better lawyer, I don't know, but I know his mother blamed me for his conviction, and her husband picked up the molestation.  I was told to not tell anyone because I wouldn't want to send him to jail too, he's too old, latter on I was told it was the only way I'd get my inheritance, and no one would believe me anyway.  I was taught quite wrongly the rules of life:

• Lead a guy on and you have to deal the the consequences
• A guy can take what he wants
• I can't stand up for myself
• Saying no will only get you in trouble - Do as you are told

I am very lucky to have had a wonderful support group: Friends, other family, counselors in school, and VIP;  I learned that I wasn't alone, that I could talk to people safely, that I could make a change in my life.  I got out of that house right before my 17th birthday.  It was hard and it took time and it was scary standing up for myself.  Children and youth came to that house twice and I couldn't admit that I didn't feel safe there.  Like I said it took time, but I got out and found a safe, supportive, and caring home with the side of the family that should have had me from the start.  It was the best thing I ever did for myself.   To get the help I needed to finally feel love, safe, and start to heal.

Sexual abuse, mental and emotional abuse, these aren't things that stay buried as much as we heal and move forward; metaphorically, the gash that was so deep will heal but there will always be an unseen bruise that you will at times bump and it will bring a flash of pain, emotions, or remembrance.

Last year was the first year I didn't write anything for Take back the Night.  After 10 years I couldn't think of anything to say.  I'd told my story and all I could think of.  And to be honest I didn't want to bump that metaphorical bruise.  I was in a really good spot, trying new hobbies, making new friends, and focusing on my family.  I didn't want to poke about in my mind to write and face my past.  Let's face it, it's not something we like to do.  To think of how we were made to feel, to open up to a large group about very personal issues.  I'll be honest I have a bad "down" day each year when I sit and write, as much as I want to be positive, give hope, and inspire it's a hard emotional day when I write.  So I understand why people don't stand and share their story- it is really hard.  But last year I also realized that it didn't matter that I didn't want to poke at my bruise that there were several things throughout the year that bumped into that bruise anyway, and I'd have to deal with the pain and emotions, so this year I dived back into my mind to share with you, as did all the survivors who spoke tonight.

It took a team to help me get out of my abusive childhood home, and a great gratitude I feel for those who helped me.

As we move forward and heal and continue to find ourselves, start checking off your bucket list, with all the pain that we've felt we should know great happiness as well, so I hope you go out and do something that makes you happy, try something new, do something you know you love, have the biggest slice of cake and savor it. 

And to wrap this up I want to leave a thought with you:  While healing, and hope for a brighter future free from all forms of abuse starts with voices of those who have first hand experience as a victim, it takes more than just us to bring about change- we can't do it alone- we need the support, voices, and strength of the whole community to take a stand with us, to take a stand for those who are still suffering in silence.  

Clothing does not equal Consent

I know I already posted a blog on how no matter what a person is wearing No means No, but I have more to add to this thought.

I cam across a photo on Facebook that really stood out to me and inspired me to share more about clothing (and maybe a future post about men's self control and the difference between a man and a rapist)

My school had this dress code, and I had to dress “modestly” at Jen and Jim's, while with my mother I had freedom to experiment with my expression of clothing.

Jim taught me that skirts meant easy access. I didn't wear dresses often for that reason while living there. But I also learned that it didn't matter what I wore (I shared that in the other post).

I rebelled against dress codes and the whole modesty bull crap – because it didn't prevent anything!

A typical weekend with my mom and how I dressed

When visiting with my mom I'd wear thin strapped tanks, belly shirts, platform shoes, and halter tops; then I'd head outside to play with the neighbor boys. We'd play football well after dark, climbed trees, and never did they try anything.

I met my husband wearing a mini skirt and tank top that most likely revealed some of my belly. That night we were at a bar dancing all night long – he was of age and had a couple beers. I kissed him on the dance floor. He drove me home, and didn't try to go anywhere, the only thing he asked me for was to go out on a date the following night.

When I met his family after a couple dates I learned that they had a dress code and once I was coming around the house often I was asked to follow it because I'd give the males in the house impure thoughts. Pants were too provocative and shape revealing. Girls/Women were to wear long skirts and T-shirts. (Keep in mind at the time it was the heat of summer and I was in short shorts and a tank)

My mind was blown! Skirts aren't SAFE!

I have trouble when it comes to someone telling me how to dress. I like to feel sexy. I like to dress sexy. I'm not dressing this way because I want to have sex (or well sometimes I am but with who I want to not just anyone) I'm dressed this way because I'm expressing my taste in clothing and showing off the body I'm proud to have.

Here are photos of me and how I've dressed...I feel very sexy and proud of my body

2007 on my Honeymoon 

2010 at a fair, my daughter in the pic is a little over a year old

2014 Halloween at a bar. Proud of my body after 2 kids!

There are some that may say that it's inappropriate to dress in such ways...I'd like to say this: appropriate clothing is defined differently by everyone. My above examples explain that, one person thinks that pants are to revealing while Jim proved how quick a hand can go up or down a skirt and into baggy jeans. You dress for the occasion. I would not wear a bikini to my child's school play (where's the water?) 

I shared the “dress code” image on my Facebook wall and a friend of mine made the comment, “...The stupid statement that "boys will be boys" is just another way of saying that males are incapable of self control and common decency. If I were a male, I'd object fervently to that insult. "

Well said!  If I were a man and heard someone say "boys will be boys" and that's why women need to cover up I'd say something like "No, I am a man and have control over my dick!"

I found another blog that dives into the topic of clothing “causing” men to rape women and how wrong society is for blaming the victim because of this whole concept of modesty. Check out her post: How the Modesty Doctrine Fuels RapeCulture.

I have to veer into the “concept of modesty”... We are born without clothing – this is our natural state! A toddler fights you on being covered and prefers to streak across the house (and pee on the floor) this is the state that we are meant to be. I think that reverting back to our nudest tendencies once in a while (or often) is healthy. I didn't use to be this way, I use to be very self conscious about being nude (that could be in large part to Jim making me strip and sit naked for him to view and judge me) My view of myself and finally being able to be naked comfortably came once I had my own apartment. I finally found comfort in my own skin and started to have a healthy body image of myself. Your naked body is nothing to be ashamed of – but rather embraced because it is yours! Once we can be comfortable and happy with our bodies we won't be uncomfortable with others or care much about clothing.

What if nudity was the everyday norm? Then clothing wouldn't be some poor excuse people say.

Back to the blog I found (How theModest Doctrine Fuels Rape Culture) I think everything she said was right. We can not keep going the way we are. I say NoMore “causes” Stop victim blaming, and open your eyes people. The only one responsible for rape and assault is the assailant.

In reading some of the comments left on the blog one stuck out to me because he said almost exactly what I said earlier about being in control over his own dick, but he says it a bit better worded than I could so I'll share it with you:

About 15 years ago I received some VERY important advice. At any time and under any circumstance, the only one responsible for a man's erection IS THAT MAN. A woman, girl friend - wife - 1 night stand - MAY CHOOSE to participate, but IS NOT RESPONSIBLE for doing anything about the man's erection. Since receiving that bon mot I have learned that may react to sensuality/sexuality of women around me but I do NOT have to do anything about it. Even if I do get an erection, it will go down on its own after a bit.

I think it is past time that societies stop allowing men to remain emotional teenagers.

What did you think? I'd be very interested in seeing what other guys have to say about this. As I mentioned at the intro to this post – I think I might write a future post on guys responses to the way women dress and self control. Do you want to share? Inbox me mystory2share2@gmail.com

I found this image (below) on Instagram and love it!! It really sums up how I feel on the whole “the way she was dressed” matter.

Because I wanted to farther make my point clear that clothing does not make a difference I did a Google search for “What I was wearing when I was sexually assaulted.” I believe that these stories really show that rape can happen to anyone no matter age, race, or whatever the fuck they are wearing!

Follow the links, check out the images and you tell me – Can we finally all stand together and support survivors, put an end to blaming the victim and take the shitty effed up phrase “she was asking for it” out???

*** Sexual Violence Myths: Provocative clothing is a risk factor.  Thank you!!  Rape and sexual violence is about power and control over another person.

***BuzzFeed: Sexual Assault Survivors Answer the Question "What were you wearing" on Twitter

***WhatIWasWearingWhenIwasRaped on Tumblr

 Images off Google search:

This is the image from my other post so strong it is on my pages again.

so well said!  There is a blog that goes with this post. Link below

 ***Normalizing the Acceptance of Rape.  Is this what society is doing?  Sounds like it. And that really makes me worry about my girls growing up in this world!

Here's some of my own images...I don't know what age or when or what I was wearing when Rick started touching me, and making me touch him. I've gone back through my old photos and I know thanks to a 2 year break in photos and from a published news article that I was 6years old when I told my Great Grandma. Look at these photos from my yearly childhood....was there anyway I was asking for it?? How could someone do that to a child? I don't care if I was 100% naked, a child is innocent...until that's taken away!

Then there's my older years....trying to go back in my mind, I don't know at what age Jim started the abuse, I know for sure it was when I went into puberty and he started measuring my boobs, but how did that happen? I don't remember. But from then on it was common place for anytime he was alone with me that I had to show him how I was changing, let him touch, measure, then “teach” me things. It didn't matter the season, or how I was dressed, it happened all the time. There wasn't just one outfit, it was in anything I wore.   

These were my school photos...

Have I made my point?  Clothing changes nothing.  I really hope people wake up and start to realize this!!

And just to make this even clearer... Men get raped.  They can be raped by women and they can by other men.  Sadly they have even a harder time talking about what happened to them.  Let me ask you a question, when a man is raped is it questioned what he was wearing?  Does a woman say he was asking for it by not wearing his shirt?  Or when one man rapes another man is it "I just couldn't contain myself, it gave me impure thoughts to see him everyday in the locker room and once I saw him nude I knew he was asking for it?" 

Really, do you see now?  Rape is about power, and control over another person.  It doesn't matter where they are or what they are wearing.

Help me spread this message, that no one wants to be raped! Clothing does not equal consent.  No means No no matter what! 

Take Back The Night 2015 (what I said)

My first experience with Take Back The Night was in 2005 and I've been writing for and speaking at this TBTN ever since.  You might wonder why I've done this for 10 years and why I share my story online - That's easy for me to answer...because I felt so alone in my struggle with what happened to me until hearing others share, I know what it's like to be inspired by the men and women who get up in front of this mic and speak that helped me and I truly believe that by speaking out and sharing our stories we are raising awareness and can combat abuse.

I've had some people say I make speaking in front of this room seem easy.  I don't know about that; I'm not a professional speaker, the only time I get up in front of a group to speak is here.  But I've also had a lot of practice and that dreaded speech class in middle school.  A lot of people say they don't think they could get up and share - I understand that, public speaking is the number one fear of people, but I have to ask.... after what we've each gone through or seen someone go through, is public speaking really your biggest fear?  I can get up here and share because while I get nervous (my hands were cold and sweaty and I had to remind myself to just breathe) I know that public speaking is NOT my fear.   

My biggest fear is my children going through the abuse I faced - and all the terrible things I was lucky to not have had happen to me.  As a parent your main concern is the safety of your babies.  You'd do anything to protect them, shelter them from the world and do your best to keep them from knowing the pain and fear of abuse.  We can't protect them from everything, they are bound to fall and scrape their knees, fall off a horse, and get their hearts broken at some point.  That's life.  But I hope to be able to protect them from all the pains that have been shared, by talking about their day and teaching them the no-touch zone, watching for warning signs of grooming... (please read Post: A book that is a MUST for EVERY parent)     But I'm not with them every minute of every day, and as they get older there's even more to fear.  How can I protect them completely?  I wish I knew.  The best I can do right now is to share my story, so that it raises awareness and with awareness come an end to all forms of abuse.

So my story....

My name is Fawn.  I'm 27, and a survivor of childhood molestation, but I'm not going to tell you about that (if you really want to know you can read through all my past blogs on here as my story is spread out throughout it all, on the post names you learn the names of my abusers)   Instead I'm going to tell how I got help.

When I was about 6 years old I spent the night at my Great Grandma's like I use to a lot.  I told her after my bath something like 'it's OK if I'm red down there because,' like only a child could say "Daddy put his thingie in my thing"  I don't have many memories from my young years - more like short flips from a movie that have stuck or pop up from time to time, that that night, that changed everything I knew, that night has always stayed with me.  Me standing at the end of her hallway in her living-room telling her that, not understanding that it was wrong. I knew I was told not to tell anyone but I was so young I didn't understand.  The next thing I knew I was telling a bunch of the family members and learned a few new terms, his thingie was called a penis.  I remember being confused as to why everyone was making a big deal about this, and I was liking the attention(I was 6 and everyone was listening to me and giving me hugs) but I was also embarrassed to keep repeating what I already said.  After that I don't remember what happened or where I lived or much of anything.  I have a huge blank space.  I know at some point I was in foster care, I remember some of that, then around Easter time, I believe, I was "adopted" by my abusers parents - my grandparents.  As a teen I know it made me so angry that some judge granted custody to the 2 people who raised a child molester.

Life went on.

I never told anyone when my grandfather started "measuring" my boob growth - never mentioned anything he did to anyone.  I was embarrassed - really to have such things happened twice - I felt alone too.  No one talked about such things happening to them.  Something was wrong with me. As I grew older I was also afraid, I was told I could never tell anyone - no one would believe me.  I kept my mouth shut.

Most of my teenage years I went on like this; even when I was trying to move out I never spoke of what was actually happening inside the house.  I was embarrassed and ashamed and he was right, he had money, power, and I had no proof - Who would believe me?

It wasn't until I was 17 and out of that situation that I had a flashback and broke down and told my boyfriend at the time what had happened.  He told me I had to talk to my counselor about it.  It took me a long time to admit even to myself that what happened was abuse.   I was so embarrassed that it had happened to me again, I hated to tell anyone.  Then there had to be a case, and I had to answer questions and talk about what he did to me - it felt like an invasion of privacy - I was exposed.  I didn't want anyone to know - that was a secrete I was going to hide! but I couldn't and as hard as it was to talk about it and get help at least now I'm not the only person to know the type of person he was.  I can talk about the pain when I feel it.  It's no longer something dark inside me, now it's something that I've gone through.  I don't know if I'd say I'm stronger for it but because of my abuse it's why I want to fight against it and because I survived I know that I can face a lot and make it through.

I'm no longer embarrassed.   No longer do I feel alone and different, because I know I'm not the only one to have gone through it.  No longer do I have to be quite. - "Don't tell anyone." - No longer ashamed.  No longer do I fear that I won't be believed, that no one is on my side.  It was super hard to talk about at first - but now it's freeing and empowering.

I'll leave with a few words of encouragement and advice for those of you who are going to speak tonight (or next year) for the first time,  and for those of you who have stories you haven't shared yet and don't know if you can...

1.) Talk! If you haven't opened up yet, just talk to your friends - you might be surprised at how many say "I went through something too."  Once I opened up my friends shared with me too.  The statistic is... 1 in 4...(women)....sadly I think the number is higher.

2.) If you haven't spoken at TBTN yet, and have something to share, think about next year.  Go home tonight and write about how you felt, if anyone inspired or comforted you.  Write your reasons for not sharing and the reasons you have to share.  Think about it.  Write what you want to say.  If next year comes and you can't get up here it's OK, talk to one of the lovely VIP people and they can read your story for you.  I've done it.

3.) If you are speaking tonight (or when you do speak tomorrow, next week, in a year, whenever)...  Take a deep breath, give yourself a pat on the back and know that you are strong!! and this is a very safe and non judgmental place to do public speaking.  It's OK to break down here and cry - we will cry with you - tears will be shed tonight - it's an emotional night.  Yell if you want - we understand your anger!  Don't worry about being perfect up here - no one is grading you and for that matter no one in life is perfect.  Just think of this room and everyone in it as a big support group - which in a way it is.  When you first look out at the crowd, don't see a room of strangers, see you family, friends, supporters.  See everyone as a fellow survivor and know you're in one of the safest places.

Lift your head high and take pride in knowing that you are taking a stand, you are acting against the abuse we've each faced.

Now is our time to act, to stand against abuse, to raise awareness and to end all abuse!  If you need more proof that NOW is our time go online and search:

NoMore.org

Take Back The Night   (#TakeBackTheNight and #TakeBackTheNight2015)

#YouAreNotAlone

#EndAbuse

(for more inspiration and to see the movement go check out my post Others who are speaking out)

There's a movement - it's been going on for a long while - and now is our time to be heard!!!!

Good luck to each of you!!

a photo of me with my NoMore sign.  Image credit: MichelleLee Photography

One small thing...to make a difference

I was thinking about my last post...Help Raise Awareness and I thought of one small thing everyone can do to make a difference, to raise awareness, to help someone.

Right now there is a child who is afraid to go home, of what awaits them there, will they be able to sleep tonight without being woken or touched?
There is a girl who is afraid of telling anyone that she was raped...
There is a boy who is struggling to get help because no one talks about how sexual assault can happen to boys as well....
Right now there is someone who is thinking about killing themselves because of what has happened to them
Right now someone is trying to drink away their pain, someone else is using a needle to try to escape reality
Right now there is so many suffering from past abuses, because it's hard to talk about, it's hard to admit what happened
Right now there are so many who are suffering abuse....

YOU can help them!
It's a small thing that I ask....but I think it can make a difference.

Change your profile photos and flood social medias with a post, image, quote saying "you are not alone"

You can take your own, use one of mine below, or search the web for something else...

I will take more and share them on here.  I will also be posting on Instagram and Tumblr.   

Let us see how many people we can reach!

One small change for the next 48 hours.... we can make a difference!!

Help Raise Awareness

April is almost over....April is Sexual assault awareness month and Child abuse awareness month

It makes since to me that they are both in April as they go hand in hand.  No all, but a lot of sexual abuse happens at such young ages.

It's sad and it's scary.

I saw this post above on Instagram....the numbers are sad.  Why are there so few arrests?  Every case should end in justice!

What have you done this month to raise awareness???

These numbers need to change!  We need to act!  Yes, it's not something we want to be reminded of, and it's not what we want to look at, but it's a horrible part of this world! and we need to do something to raise awareness and HELP!!

I speak at Take Back the Night on Wednesday....it will be my 10th year.  I will be posting my speech on here...This is what I do each April.  And year round I post my blog (not often enough but when I have something to share) and now I'm on Tumblr as well and I post (reblog) a lot on there... These are the things I do.  I also offer an ear and support to others.  If you need help, I'm not a councler but I'll listen.

I challenge each of you....find a way to act now!  Sexual abuse isn't something easily seen....it's not leaving a black eye, it makes it hard to "see"  which makes it hard to fight.... but we can!

Post info, be a friend, be a support, post inspiration,...I'm sure there's more things.  volunteer,... find your own way. but please do something to help with these numbers!!!

Fight for justice, we don't want child molesters anywhere near our kids

Self Harm - do this instead

I saw this post on facebook and had to share!  I use to burn myself, cut sometimes but never deep, I was numb to life and the pain of it was a release for me a release of anger and hurt.  I really hope this helps someone.  Keep your head up, Stay Strong, it takes time but life will get better, and please seek help if you need it!!

On Tumblr now too

For all of those who read my blog I thought I'd share that I am not on Tumblr as well.  I want to reach as many people and spread inspiration and hope to as many people as I can.  I got Tumblr as a way to share this blog more but I'm finding that there are so many great post on that that I wish to share with you all as well.  If you're on it then follow me, and if you haven't gotten Tumblr no worries, check it out if you wish, and of course I'll still be writing my long blogs on here and sharing as well.


https://www.tumblr.com/blog/past-the-past-post
^^^^^^my tumblr account^^