TBTN 2019....Words

Words,

They are all around us.

We use them everyday without much thought.

These words, whether spoken, read or overheard have set definitions, yet, they all mean something different to each of us.

Some words impact us. 

They alter the way we view things, how we think, and how we feel.

They can have the impact of a speeding bullet. They hit us like a hard punch to the gut.  They leave us in pain and feeling vulnerable.

We all have our own negative words.

A painful memory attached to it.  Maybe a label you were given, something you heard over and over again.

I'll share some of mine with you:

Childhood: 

                That time of innocence in life when most learning and growth occurs.  But for me, childhood is that time in my life when I learned about betrayal (not that I knew that word then).  A time of abuse, guilt, shame and loneliness. 

The names linked to my abusers.  

The labels I heard many times:

     Fat.       

Stupid.

The words that I was told that stay with me....Words I'm constantly fighting against...

"You're too stupid to be a teacher."

"You're never going to amount to anything."

I had words to describe how I felt:
Alone
Shame
Embarrassed
Worthless
Abandoned
Used
Scared
Depressed
Suicidal
Useless
Abuse
Confused

The good news is that other words that surround us have a much different effect on us.
These words thaw us like an Indian Summer Day in the middle of a harsh winter.
They embrace us like a long needed hug from a best friend.
Their impact is like that of a delicate flower planted; something that has to be constantly watered and tended to or it will wither away...

I don't know why those negative words overpower the positive...that the negative is easier to believe.

We have to make the conscious decision to see, hear, find and believe the positive.

I have a small activity to help with this.
Grab two pieces of paper and a pen

On the first paper write a word or words that are negative to you.
I want you to now [aloud] read that list and take the power away from each word...
"I am not _____"
"I will not allow _____ to affect me"
And tear up the paper, tear apart each negative word.  Toss it in the fire, or the trash.

Now on the other paper write your positive words.
I want you to say them each out loud.  Acknowledge them. Affirm yourself with them

I'll share some of mine with you:

Smart/Books
I am smart.  I'm a voracious reader.  I enjoy learning and gaining new information.  I am happy to be surrounded by books full of possibilities.

Survivor.
I'm a survivor.

I'm going to side track for a moment and share a quick story that shows why this list of positive words is important.  Why these affirmations might help.

I was recently at an vent and was approached by an older couple and they talked about this and that what I was working on because I was writing.  I shared that I was trying to write children's books.  They asked what the books were about and I said kindness. Then the conversation got weird the guy asked about my past and what my parents thought of this, and where they were and as I tried to skirt these questions he kept insisting on asking about my parents, I finally said, "They aren't in my life."
The guy goes "Ya know, I could tell just by looking at you that you had a rough past, but ya know society, I couldn't just come out and tell you that."
That floored me.  Who says that to someone?  And just how did I "look like someone who had a rough past"?  I was dressed nice and volunteering my time at this event. Also you cannot tell who has gone through what just on how they look!  But I let that get to me, I felt like my "victim, abused" label was on the outside of me visible to the world.

Our labels aren't on the outside.  Labels are something that we have been told, called, or felt so many times that we then start to believe it.  I almost labeled myself victim again that day.  I was reminded of that confused 6 year old, the 9 year old who was told no to talk about it.  I learned to start saying "I don't know" to answer the other kids questions about why I didn't have a dad like everyone else; instead of saying he's in jail, because that wasn't allowed.  I was once again the 13 year old who desperately wanted to talk to someone, for someone to know what was going on inside my house - what my grandfather did when no one else was around.  I was that 15 year old again fighting to move out and not give up on life.

But you know what?  

I survived all that.  

 I fought and won my life.

I'm no longer the victim I was in my childhood and adolescences.  

I'm a survivor!

Now I have some word I want you to add to your positive list if they aren't already there.

Strong

Brave

Good Enough

Light

Strong:

We are each strong.  Look at what we've gone through.  Even being a supporter takes strength.  We have seen and gone through hell and survived and kept living.

Brave.

Each person who spoke tonight, 

Every person who has come forward and told someone what happened

Everyone who has said #metoo

Everyone who has taken a stand

and

Each person who got help - who had the strength to ask for help...

All those things takes extreme amounts of courage that someone who hasn't gone through it won't ever know how brave you are to do each thing.

Good Enough.

This is a hard one for me.  I never feel like I'm good enough.  I have failed many times, but I've been learning that failing and falling are part of success and that you only fail if you give up.  So I'm reminding myself [and each of you] 

that after all we've gone through we deserve to achieve our dreams.

You are good enough to go after your dreams.

You deserve to be happy, and to know happiness!

Light.

Odd word for the list, right?

Take Back the Night is about us standing together to heal, empower, and educate - 

together we are light.  

We are shining bright tonight.

We are shining light to anyone who many be in the dark,

going through dark times

we hope our stories reach them 

and give them light.

We are a beacon for those to come forward,

get help and heal.

We stand together tonight to be a light of hope for the future.

As I leave you tonight I want to leave you with this....

Words, they surround us.  Be careful which words you feed, which words you take in and which words you let out because...

Words have power

Words hurt

Words heal

Words Can EMPOWER

Embrace Your Voice: TBTN 2018

Take Back The Night is a powerful night that I'm mentioned in my blog before.  It's a night of healing, empowerment, sharing pain and sharing hope.  Every year the survivors get up and share their stories.  This year there was no keynote speaker, it was a night this year of just our stories.  There were women who got up in front of the crowd and shared for the first time of rape, molestation, domestic violence, pain, fear, and shame they were made to feel, and secrets they were told to keep.  Each of these speakers got up and ended their speech on such a strong and powerful note of hope, hope for others for healing, hope for others to get help, hope for a future starting today of no more shame on the victim.   I loved how each person gave the next hope.  That is what embracing your voice is about.

So now I'll share with you what I said... In purple I'm going to add some after thought notes just for those who are reading this and like it's my own journal what I would say:

I have these memories that I haven't shared. They are things I've kept bottled up because it's too hard to admit it happened.  But these memories I haven't shared, they come back to me vividly.  I think to myself , I was so young and there are so many things from my childhood I don't remember, how can I remember these things?  Why?  Why have they stayed in my mind when I don't want them there?

I remember a knock at the door, my father rushing me out of his bed and into the bathroom to hide.  "Shh, don't make a sound," and he left me to put back on my nightgown and stand there until he came back. He told me how no one could know about our special time.

I haven't shared that before.  I'm not sure if that's the first time I was told not to tell anyone but it's the earliest memory I have of being told not to say anything.  

When you're abused at a very young age you are taught that you have no voice.  Of course I wasn't mute, I spoke.  Just I knew, or rather was told - never to speak of the bad things.

At the age of 6 I told my great grandma what happened.  Not meaning to.  It was in a way only an innocent child could confess anything.  I remember drying off after a bath and saying, "Don't worry about the red there, it's probably just from when daddy touches me there.  He puts his thingie in my thing."

My life changed that night and I remember feeling guilty for tearing my family apart.  Things would never be the same again and it was my fault, because I said something.

Years later, many years later I'll realize how it wasn't my fault and how my family was already broken before I told everyone what happened.  Until I would realize this however, I'd carry the weight of that with me.  The kids at school asking why I lived with my grandparents, when it was time to tell about your family and I wouldn't say anything about a father.  "What about your dad?"  Kids would ask.

Which brings me to my next lesson of not speaking.  I didn't want to talk to others about what had happened, why I was different than the other kids, so I didn't.  Not until I was in 6th grade.  When I was making a friend and I told her why I didn't have a father; she told me about why she didn't too.  It was the first time someone had told me they had gone through much the same thing.  I was feeling a lot better knowing I wasn't the only one.  Until I got back home.  At this point in my life I was living with my paternal grandparents - the same ones who's son molested me.  The girl I confided in talked to her mom who talked to my grandparents who then had a talk to me.

  "Why would you share that info?  It's in the past.  You're not hurt!  Other kids will find out and you wouldn't want them to know.  She's probably going to go tell all the kids at school now what happened to you and you'll be the kid no one wants to be around."

At this point in school I already felt different than other kids.  I was a tomboy, didn't have many if any girl friends.  I was a loner, before I even knew what a loner was.  Now I felt for sure like everyone would know that I was dirty and something was wrong with me.

That was the last time I talked openly to anyone about what I'd gone through, for a couple years.  In high school I'd start getting counseling, discretely, in school.  I still didn't open up a whole lot.

My entire life, the only people who reacted poorly to my story - who told me to keep quiet, were my abusers.  I can say I am lucky for this, because I know there is a ton of victim blaming out there. -All I can say to those who make the victim feel bad for what happened, is shame on you for your lack of compassion and for digging at a wound of someone who is already hurt.  It is never the victim's fault! Everyone, EVERYONE, has the right to say NO!

I remember being questioned that..."Did you say no?" when I was making my report about my grandfather, once I finally admitted that Rick wasn't the only one to touch me. 

I went through puberty,  he'd measure my breast, teach me how to groom.  I don't remember if I said no at first, I doubt it.  No wasn't something we were allowed to say in that house.  I was uncomfortable as I grew and was made to undress.
He'd say "Let me play with your boobs if you want to go to the school dance."
"No"
"Why not?  Don't you want to go?"
"Well yeah"
 "Well then, it's not hurting anyone. Make an old man happy."

I was afraid of him too.  I'm not the only one he intimidated. I know he's made other adults cry at playing cards.  You didn't tell him no.  Over the years I would try to find a way to say no.  But I had no voice. Not in that house. Hell I didn't even have a voice when I had told my talked to Children and Youth and they said they needed to question me inside that house and as long as I told them I didn't feel safe they'd take me out...but I couldn't find my voice in front of Jen and Jim.  Twice I sat there and denied everything.  Of course this is before I confessed about Jim also being an abuser.  I was told after that had I talked about that it would have sped up the process of my getting out of that house.

From all my years of not being allowed to talk about my abuse, not standing up for myself, it took me a while to find my voice.  When I found out this years theme was Embrace Your Voice, it made me so happy.  I love the theme.  That is something I have done.  It's a very important step for all survivors to take, to embrace our voice and know that our abusers don't have the power to keep us silent.

I found my voice because of all the people who helped me heal.  Every person who I shared a part of my story with and I wasn't labeled or outcast-ed, I found my voice at Take Back The Night, each year as hard as it is to relive my past I've buried and to open up to a room full of people - most of which are strangers, I embrace my voice I found. I heal more. I gain my power back.  I am powerful with my voice.  I am not afraid to share my story; I use my voice to raise awareness.

Why is this night important?  Why are we saying "Embrace Your Voice"?
                                                 To Heal, Empower, and Educate

1. Tonight we heal, we are in a safe and supporting environment to listen to each other, share, and know we have help.
2. Empower.  We empower each other.  The people you brought with you cheer you one. We all cheer for you, and people you don't know come up at the end of the event and say "Good job" and Thank you for sharing. It takes a lot of courage to open up. Then to open up to a room full of people it takes even more, add to it how intimate this topic is and a microphone - yup You are strong!  We are here to empower each person that speaks.  And personally by telling my story I feel I give myself power back.  They don't have the power to keep me silent any more!
• There is another group we are empowering here tonight - the kids.  I was nervous the first few times bringing my daughters to Take Back the Night.  They shouldn't know about abuse. As parents we want to protect them from all the bad.  I've brought my girls with me almost every year I've spoken since they've been born.  There have been a couple years I'd have a sitter but they are usually here.  This year my oldest had a school concert tonight.  It fell on the same night, same time.  I asked her about the concert and told her it was the same night as that thing I spoke at last year.  You know what she said?  "Mommy you can listen to me sing anytime!  I want to go to your event."  Damn my kids are amazing.  Then a couple nights ago she asked if that same lady from last year would be speaking, "she had a sad story, a lot of bad things happened to her, that's sad, but she was so strong I like her."  I thought about it and I think I made the right choice in bringing them with me.  I am surrounding them with strong, powerful women.  We are empowering the next generation with our stories and knowledge that they will grow to know that these things happen but that we don't let them control us. That we say No, that we have a voice, and that there is always help.
3. Educate.  I have learned so much here over the years.  I have taken that knowledge each year and shared it with others.  And again I will point to our children, the ones that are here and the ones that we are around day to day, we need to educate them, and we are.  By embracing our voice and telling them about body safety.  We will raise boys that will become respectful men. We will raise strong girls who will grow to become respectful women who will know their worth, and not let anyone tell them different.  

To each of you sharing tonight (or any day) - come up here with your head held high, and embrace your voice.  When you leave here, keep your voice and use it!  We are listening.  We believe you!  And those who feel they have no voice - who are still in their cycle of abuse - who are afraid - who feel that they are alone - They all need your voice.  And I want them to know that they aren't alone, that it's not their fault, and that there is help.

So I'm going to ask you:

Are you ready to listen? 

Are you ready to stand up and say that sexual assault is a real issue?

Are you ready to embrace your voice?

Are you ready to cheer on each of these speakers?

I hope that this helps someone.  Yes, I speak each year because I take power back for myself by not keeping silent and living in fear of my abusers, but I share at TBTN and online in hopes that my story and links I share will help someone else.  There is help, and it's never too late to get help.  So I will leave you with some links and phone numbers that you can use or pass on to someone else.

Support for Survivors in PA

About the National Sexual Assault Hotline

 800.656.HOPE (4673)

Bad Days and taking the Power Back

We all have our bad days.  We have days when nothing seems to be going right, we have days where we are just depressed, and then sometimes we have a great start to our day and something happens and it ruins our mood.

Today, was one of the those days, a day I've been looking forward to and super excited about, had a great morning, and then someone said something and it got in my head and ruined that good mood I had.  Since then I allowed myself a breakdown and have been working on building up and getting my power back.

Let me share with you the whole story:

I jumped out of bed this morning, I've been busy all month long but I was looking forward to today!  My oldest went off to school while my little one and I got loaded up and went to the library, we met an author and had some really good conversations.
On my way home, I stopped to get gas and was approached by someone I had recently met while with my husband.  He came up to me with a wave and asked me what my first name was again. So I told him my first name, maybe people don't remember it or have a hard time processing that that's a real name.  Anyway he goes on and says "I thought I knew you from somewhere else did you grow up in Greentown?"
Close enough, my high school covered a large area so yeah I knew people from there even tho I lived about 40 minutes or so from there.  "Hawley area." I responded
"Oh your dad is Big Rick then?"
As you know from my post Names that his name is Rick so I responded with, "Yeah, I guess."
"He's a big guy." he goes on to puff out his arms to show large.
"I don't really know, he went to jail and I don't know him." I said.  I figured that was the easiest way out of this conversation I didn't want to be in any longer.  I don't know why I didn't just say "He's a convicted child molester so since he abused me I don't know him and don't want to associate with anyone who does.  Maybe it's because I was uncomfortable, I didn't know this person, and for all I know he could be thinking of someone else.
"Oh well my wife was so-and-so, You had a sister right?"
"I'm sorry I don't know, and I don't think so, but I gotta get going."

I drove off shaken.  It was such a odd conversation and make me feel so weird.  I continued on in a foggy mind of my own and then went home where I made lunch and finally confronted my issues and cried.  Now I'm writing my issues out...

I hate that I let that conversion affect me.  I hate that thinking about my abuse and abuser still sends fear, and a feeling of powerlessness over me.  What bothered me the most, I realized is that Rick is out there and doesn't have to be labeled, people can meet him and not know what is he or what he's done, that for all I know hell I could have a sister.  I sure as hell hope that's not the case, and I doubt it is, but that thought scares me.

I was mad that someone could talk about Rick (my abuser) like he was a normal person.  I feel that way a lot.  I've had people mention Jen and Jim to me before.  These people don't really know me and I always feel awkward.   I've even once had someone ask me how they were.
 I think that this feeling of anger and awkwardness at the mention of our abusers and hearing people talk about them as people is something that is common to us survivors.  We don't view them as people anymore.  Myself I wish they were gone, or that people saw them through my eyes.  I have mentioned before that I wish all pedophiles and rapist had to wear a label so they were dehumanized.  This might seem wrong, but in our shoes these people have failed at being a person.  They have failed those who had laid trust in their hands, they have failed at treating others as people.  We had become objects to them, objects they used and abused.  They made us feel like we were less than others therefore we (I) want them to feel that way and be viewed as such.  The problem with this is that as awful as their actions are/were they are still people, they are someone's brother (or sister- I think we forget that women can be abusers) they are were someone's friend, spouse, member of the church, they were/are someone who was/is known in the community, they are/were someone's son/daughter.

To show this I will use my own story, one that was told to me....
My Uncle and I had a couple heart to heat moments when he lived across the street from me when I lived with Jen and Jim.  I loved him, for all his flaws and troubles he had, I loved him.  I loved him because he didn't hold back from me when we were hanging out, he talked to me not as a child to be sheltered but as a person.  He is the one that told me when Rick was back around our farm, and told me that that was why sometimes Jen would do the chores for me.  He had my respect for having told me this info that I wasn't to know.  He made me aware of a situation, I kept my eyes open, I had trouble sleeping at night, but I knew.  Anyway back to his story...
He told me of the night he learned about what had happened to me.  "Rick told me that you had been touched and there was an investigation.  I grabbed my gun and said 'Let's go kill this guy' and started to head out for the truck, when Rick stopped him and said "That guy is me."  Rick was his brother.  He said he and thought about shooting him, even started to raise the gun.  But he couldn't.  He told me it messed with his head.  He dropped out (or failed) college and got even heaver into drugs then he had been. 

Rick had been a brother, a son, a business partner, and known in the community.  I've shared before how Jen blamed and viewed me as the person who's fault it was that her son went to jail.

Anyway back to my story today....With all these thoughts in my mind I was a bit of a mess.  Then I thought to a workshop I'd recently went to that was Taking Back Your Power, this workshop was not at all dealing with sexual abuse or anything of the sort.  It was breathing and taking back your classroom of those students who have negative behavior and changing to positive.  During this workshop the instructor told us how our past experiences reflect onto words others say so we make those words have different meanings than they have.  His theory is "No one can make you upset; you choice to be upset."  I did not like this theory.  As much as I didn't like this theory I kept thinking about it today... I let this ONE thing effect my whole day.  I was in a GREAT mood before, then from that one conversation my mind went to the negative and settled there.  I LET my mood and day be altered.  So I started to re think the conversation, that guy I don't know, probably doesn't know me.  Rick is a common name, he could have been thinking of someone totally different.  Because of my bad experience I related my experience to the words he was saying and they very well could have had not a damn thing to do with me.  Also I had just stepped back into victim, I felt powerless.  I am not powerless, I am in charge of my life, and I take my power back every time I speak out against abuse, each time I tell someone you are not alone, and I take a hell of a lot of power back when I speak and share my story.  They can't keep you down when you don't keep quiet.  I could have switched that whole conversation around by saying "Richard Davis?  He is a convicted child molester, and of no relation to me, (say that because I don't want to be related, we can't chose biology but we can chose who we claim) and if you are friends with him you can get the hell away from me because someone who takes advantage of children is no longer a person in my eyes."  Had I approached the question from that direction it would have cleared up exactly who he was talking about and given me all the power making known what Rick did and the type of "person" he is.

So I started to think about that...then from the same instructor I did some breathing and decided that nothing about me changed today...I was doing great, so now I needed to work through this and move on.  I thought it over, I could have said "no" when I was asked about "my dad" because I don't have one, Rick is dead to me, while he isn't in reality I have moved on and I have a good life. 

So for anyone who is having a bad day allow yourself to have a break down, we all need to yell, vent, and cry at times.  We also need to laugh, smile, and enjoy life.  So we need to go from break down to moving forward...
1. acknowledge how you are feeling, and why
2. let it out (yell, cry, vent, write, whatever it is that is going to get it all out of you)
3. breath (I will post some links at the bottom if you're interested in focused breathing)
4. acknowledge the positive in your life (make a list if you want)
5. go do something that will make you feel more like you and start feeling better
6. one foot in front of the other, from doing that one thing in step 5, do another or something that is on your to-do list

I wish you all healing.

Some links you might find of interest:
The instructor that I mentioned above, he did 2 amazing workshops which I learned a ton from, about breathing, movement, and he has a Breaking the Bullying Circle which is important, for more info about him and his programs visit: www.ronspeak.com

Take deep belly breathing breaths with this video to help calm and center yourself

Journal page to help you recognize the good stuff

TBTN 2017 Healing

I saw a post from Project emancipate on Instagram that said "Healing isn't linear"  That's true.  We have our ups where we're overcoming our past and moving on, then something triggers us into falling down sometimes only a little and we can easily dust ourselves off and get to a better place, but sometimes it's a long fall where we are hurting and can't seem to find a light to look forward to.  Healing is a slow process and it needs to be said, it's not done alone.

Think about it:

Broken bones take time to mend, and a support team: doctors, friends, physical therapy.

Addiction isn't broken on one's own, but with help, support, and courage from friends, family, therapy.

The death of a loved one, that hurts so deep and it doesn't feel like you can recover from such a loss takes time and help from people around you to finally start to move forward.

Why would we think it would be any different from emotional, mental, and sexual abuses?  Is it because we were told to be ashamed of what happened to us?  Is it because it's not something that always leaves a visible wound - so it's less acknowledged?  Is it because people don't want to hear the pain of what we've been through that it's something too hard to hear so society throws their hands over their ears like a 5 year old does when they don't want to listen?

Why is it thought that once the abuse ends, all is better?  Like a band aid put over an invisible boo-boo you're expected to run along and play.

I was told growing up to not talk to anyone about what happened.  I was taught to be ashamed, even that it was my fault.  Before I was in school my biological father had molested me - he was convicted and spent 5 years in jail.

Don't you think it would have been better had he been made to feel shame - that he'd have to say to everyone he ever met what he did so they'd see what he really was and have all the blame?  Instead of asking a child why they'd talk to anyone about it - it's in the past, leave it there!  But that's not how things worked at the time, he did his time and now he co-owner and manager of a school bus company.  How is that right?  

My story didn't stop there - My grandparents on the same side raised me - abuse is a learned cycle isn't it?  Started with one person who hurts another and if they don't know or learn any different then that's normal and they continue the abuse passing it on.  So why was I place in the same home that raised a child sex offender? Money, connections, a better lawyer, I don't know, but I know his mother blamed me for his conviction, and her husband picked up the molestation.  I was told to not tell anyone because I wouldn't want to send him to jail too, he's too old, latter on I was told it was the only way I'd get my inheritance, and no one would believe me anyway.  I was taught quite wrongly the rules of life:

• Lead a guy on and you have to deal the the consequences
• A guy can take what he wants
• I can't stand up for myself
• Saying no will only get you in trouble - Do as you are told

I am very lucky to have had a wonderful support group: Friends, other family, counselors in school, and VIP;  I learned that I wasn't alone, that I could talk to people safely, that I could make a change in my life.  I got out of that house right before my 17th birthday.  It was hard and it took time and it was scary standing up for myself.  Children and youth came to that house twice and I couldn't admit that I didn't feel safe there.  Like I said it took time, but I got out and found a safe, supportive, and caring home with the side of the family that should have had me from the start.  It was the best thing I ever did for myself.   To get the help I needed to finally feel love, safe, and start to heal.

Sexual abuse, mental and emotional abuse, these aren't things that stay buried as much as we heal and move forward; metaphorically, the gash that was so deep will heal but there will always be an unseen bruise that you will at times bump and it will bring a flash of pain, emotions, or remembrance.

Last year was the first year I didn't write anything for Take back the Night.  After 10 years I couldn't think of anything to say.  I'd told my story and all I could think of.  And to be honest I didn't want to bump that metaphorical bruise.  I was in a really good spot, trying new hobbies, making new friends, and focusing on my family.  I didn't want to poke about in my mind to write and face my past.  Let's face it, it's not something we like to do.  To think of how we were made to feel, to open up to a large group about very personal issues.  I'll be honest I have a bad "down" day each year when I sit and write, as much as I want to be positive, give hope, and inspire it's a hard emotional day when I write.  So I understand why people don't stand and share their story- it is really hard.  But last year I also realized that it didn't matter that I didn't want to poke at my bruise that there were several things throughout the year that bumped into that bruise anyway, and I'd have to deal with the pain and emotions, so this year I dived back into my mind to share with you, as did all the survivors who spoke tonight.

It took a team to help me get out of my abusive childhood home, and a great gratitude I feel for those who helped me.

As we move forward and heal and continue to find ourselves, start checking off your bucket list, with all the pain that we've felt we should know great happiness as well, so I hope you go out and do something that makes you happy, try something new, do something you know you love, have the biggest slice of cake and savor it. 

And to wrap this up I want to leave a thought with you:  While healing, and hope for a brighter future free from all forms of abuse starts with voices of those who have first hand experience as a victim, it takes more than just us to bring about change- we can't do it alone- we need the support, voices, and strength of the whole community to take a stand with us, to take a stand for those who are still suffering in silence.  

Clothing does not equal Consent

I know I already posted a blog on how no matter what a person is wearing No means No, but I have more to add to this thought.

I cam across a photo on Facebook that really stood out to me and inspired me to share more about clothing (and maybe a future post about men's self control and the difference between a man and a rapist)

My school had this dress code, and I had to dress “modestly” at Jen and Jim's, while with my mother I had freedom to experiment with my expression of clothing.

Jim taught me that skirts meant easy access. I didn't wear dresses often for that reason while living there. But I also learned that it didn't matter what I wore (I shared that in the other post).

I rebelled against dress codes and the whole modesty bull crap – because it didn't prevent anything!

A typical weekend with my mom and how I dressed

When visiting with my mom I'd wear thin strapped tanks, belly shirts, platform shoes, and halter tops; then I'd head outside to play with the neighbor boys. We'd play football well after dark, climbed trees, and never did they try anything.

I met my husband wearing a mini skirt and tank top that most likely revealed some of my belly. That night we were at a bar dancing all night long – he was of age and had a couple beers. I kissed him on the dance floor. He drove me home, and didn't try to go anywhere, the only thing he asked me for was to go out on a date the following night.

When I met his family after a couple dates I learned that they had a dress code and once I was coming around the house often I was asked to follow it because I'd give the males in the house impure thoughts. Pants were too provocative and shape revealing. Girls/Women were to wear long skirts and T-shirts. (Keep in mind at the time it was the heat of summer and I was in short shorts and a tank)

My mind was blown! Skirts aren't SAFE!

I have trouble when it comes to someone telling me how to dress. I like to feel sexy. I like to dress sexy. I'm not dressing this way because I want to have sex (or well sometimes I am but with who I want to not just anyone) I'm dressed this way because I'm expressing my taste in clothing and showing off the body I'm proud to have.

Here are photos of me and how I've dressed...I feel very sexy and proud of my body

2007 on my Honeymoon 

2010 at a fair, my daughter in the pic is a little over a year old

2014 Halloween at a bar. Proud of my body after 2 kids!

There are some that may say that it's inappropriate to dress in such ways...I'd like to say this: appropriate clothing is defined differently by everyone. My above examples explain that, one person thinks that pants are to revealing while Jim proved how quick a hand can go up or down a skirt and into baggy jeans. You dress for the occasion. I would not wear a bikini to my child's school play (where's the water?) 

I shared the “dress code” image on my Facebook wall and a friend of mine made the comment, “...The stupid statement that "boys will be boys" is just another way of saying that males are incapable of self control and common decency. If I were a male, I'd object fervently to that insult. "

Well said!  If I were a man and heard someone say "boys will be boys" and that's why women need to cover up I'd say something like "No, I am a man and have control over my dick!"

I found another blog that dives into the topic of clothing “causing” men to rape women and how wrong society is for blaming the victim because of this whole concept of modesty. Check out her post: How the Modesty Doctrine Fuels RapeCulture.

I have to veer into the “concept of modesty”... We are born without clothing – this is our natural state! A toddler fights you on being covered and prefers to streak across the house (and pee on the floor) this is the state that we are meant to be. I think that reverting back to our nudest tendencies once in a while (or often) is healthy. I didn't use to be this way, I use to be very self conscious about being nude (that could be in large part to Jim making me strip and sit naked for him to view and judge me) My view of myself and finally being able to be naked comfortably came once I had my own apartment. I finally found comfort in my own skin and started to have a healthy body image of myself. Your naked body is nothing to be ashamed of – but rather embraced because it is yours! Once we can be comfortable and happy with our bodies we won't be uncomfortable with others or care much about clothing.

What if nudity was the everyday norm? Then clothing wouldn't be some poor excuse people say.

Back to the blog I found (How theModest Doctrine Fuels Rape Culture) I think everything she said was right. We can not keep going the way we are. I say NoMore “causes” Stop victim blaming, and open your eyes people. The only one responsible for rape and assault is the assailant.

In reading some of the comments left on the blog one stuck out to me because he said almost exactly what I said earlier about being in control over his own dick, but he says it a bit better worded than I could so I'll share it with you:

About 15 years ago I received some VERY important advice. At any time and under any circumstance, the only one responsible for a man's erection IS THAT MAN. A woman, girl friend - wife - 1 night stand - MAY CHOOSE to participate, but IS NOT RESPONSIBLE for doing anything about the man's erection. Since receiving that bon mot I have learned that may react to sensuality/sexuality of women around me but I do NOT have to do anything about it. Even if I do get an erection, it will go down on its own after a bit.

I think it is past time that societies stop allowing men to remain emotional teenagers.

What did you think? I'd be very interested in seeing what other guys have to say about this. As I mentioned at the intro to this post – I think I might write a future post on guys responses to the way women dress and self control. Do you want to share? Inbox me mystory2share2@gmail.com

I found this image (below) on Instagram and love it!! It really sums up how I feel on the whole “the way she was dressed” matter.

Because I wanted to farther make my point clear that clothing does not make a difference I did a Google search for “What I was wearing when I was sexually assaulted.” I believe that these stories really show that rape can happen to anyone no matter age, race, or whatever the fuck they are wearing!

Follow the links, check out the images and you tell me – Can we finally all stand together and support survivors, put an end to blaming the victim and take the shitty effed up phrase “she was asking for it” out???

*** Sexual Violence Myths: Provocative clothing is a risk factor.  Thank you!!  Rape and sexual violence is about power and control over another person.

***BuzzFeed: Sexual Assault Survivors Answer the Question "What were you wearing" on Twitter

***WhatIWasWearingWhenIwasRaped on Tumblr

 Images off Google search:

This is the image from my other post so strong it is on my pages again.

so well said!  There is a blog that goes with this post. Link below

 ***Normalizing the Acceptance of Rape.  Is this what society is doing?  Sounds like it. And that really makes me worry about my girls growing up in this world!

Here's some of my own images...I don't know what age or when or what I was wearing when Rick started touching me, and making me touch him. I've gone back through my old photos and I know thanks to a 2 year break in photos and from a published news article that I was 6years old when I told my Great Grandma. Look at these photos from my yearly childhood....was there anyway I was asking for it?? How could someone do that to a child? I don't care if I was 100% naked, a child is innocent...until that's taken away!

Then there's my older years....trying to go back in my mind, I don't know at what age Jim started the abuse, I know for sure it was when I went into puberty and he started measuring my boobs, but how did that happen? I don't remember. But from then on it was common place for anytime he was alone with me that I had to show him how I was changing, let him touch, measure, then “teach” me things. It didn't matter the season, or how I was dressed, it happened all the time. There wasn't just one outfit, it was in anything I wore.   

These were my school photos...

Have I made my point?  Clothing changes nothing.  I really hope people wake up and start to realize this!!

And just to make this even clearer... Men get raped.  They can be raped by women and they can by other men.  Sadly they have even a harder time talking about what happened to them.  Let me ask you a question, when a man is raped is it questioned what he was wearing?  Does a woman say he was asking for it by not wearing his shirt?  Or when one man rapes another man is it "I just couldn't contain myself, it gave me impure thoughts to see him everyday in the locker room and once I saw him nude I knew he was asking for it?" 

Really, do you see now?  Rape is about power, and control over another person.  It doesn't matter where they are or what they are wearing.

Help me spread this message, that no one wants to be raped! Clothing does not equal consent.  No means No no matter what! 

Take Back The Night 2015 (what I said)

My first experience with Take Back The Night was in 2005 and I've been writing for and speaking at this TBTN ever since.  You might wonder why I've done this for 10 years and why I share my story online - That's easy for me to answer...because I felt so alone in my struggle with what happened to me until hearing others share, I know what it's like to be inspired by the men and women who get up in front of this mic and speak that helped me and I truly believe that by speaking out and sharing our stories we are raising awareness and can combat abuse.

I've had some people say I make speaking in front of this room seem easy.  I don't know about that; I'm not a professional speaker, the only time I get up in front of a group to speak is here.  But I've also had a lot of practice and that dreaded speech class in middle school.  A lot of people say they don't think they could get up and share - I understand that, public speaking is the number one fear of people, but I have to ask.... after what we've each gone through or seen someone go through, is public speaking really your biggest fear?  I can get up here and share because while I get nervous (my hands were cold and sweaty and I had to remind myself to just breathe) I know that public speaking is NOT my fear.   

My biggest fear is my children going through the abuse I faced - and all the terrible things I was lucky to not have had happen to me.  As a parent your main concern is the safety of your babies.  You'd do anything to protect them, shelter them from the world and do your best to keep them from knowing the pain and fear of abuse.  We can't protect them from everything, they are bound to fall and scrape their knees, fall off a horse, and get their hearts broken at some point.  That's life.  But I hope to be able to protect them from all the pains that have been shared, by talking about their day and teaching them the no-touch zone, watching for warning signs of grooming... (please read Post: A book that is a MUST for EVERY parent)     But I'm not with them every minute of every day, and as they get older there's even more to fear.  How can I protect them completely?  I wish I knew.  The best I can do right now is to share my story, so that it raises awareness and with awareness come an end to all forms of abuse.

So my story....

My name is Fawn.  I'm 27, and a survivor of childhood molestation, but I'm not going to tell you about that (if you really want to know you can read through all my past blogs on here as my story is spread out throughout it all, on the post names you learn the names of my abusers)   Instead I'm going to tell how I got help.

When I was about 6 years old I spent the night at my Great Grandma's like I use to a lot.  I told her after my bath something like 'it's OK if I'm red down there because,' like only a child could say "Daddy put his thingie in my thing"  I don't have many memories from my young years - more like short flips from a movie that have stuck or pop up from time to time, that that night, that changed everything I knew, that night has always stayed with me.  Me standing at the end of her hallway in her living-room telling her that, not understanding that it was wrong. I knew I was told not to tell anyone but I was so young I didn't understand.  The next thing I knew I was telling a bunch of the family members and learned a few new terms, his thingie was called a penis.  I remember being confused as to why everyone was making a big deal about this, and I was liking the attention(I was 6 and everyone was listening to me and giving me hugs) but I was also embarrassed to keep repeating what I already said.  After that I don't remember what happened or where I lived or much of anything.  I have a huge blank space.  I know at some point I was in foster care, I remember some of that, then around Easter time, I believe, I was "adopted" by my abusers parents - my grandparents.  As a teen I know it made me so angry that some judge granted custody to the 2 people who raised a child molester.

Life went on.

I never told anyone when my grandfather started "measuring" my boob growth - never mentioned anything he did to anyone.  I was embarrassed - really to have such things happened twice - I felt alone too.  No one talked about such things happening to them.  Something was wrong with me. As I grew older I was also afraid, I was told I could never tell anyone - no one would believe me.  I kept my mouth shut.

Most of my teenage years I went on like this; even when I was trying to move out I never spoke of what was actually happening inside the house.  I was embarrassed and ashamed and he was right, he had money, power, and I had no proof - Who would believe me?

It wasn't until I was 17 and out of that situation that I had a flashback and broke down and told my boyfriend at the time what had happened.  He told me I had to talk to my counselor about it.  It took me a long time to admit even to myself that what happened was abuse.   I was so embarrassed that it had happened to me again, I hated to tell anyone.  Then there had to be a case, and I had to answer questions and talk about what he did to me - it felt like an invasion of privacy - I was exposed.  I didn't want anyone to know - that was a secrete I was going to hide! but I couldn't and as hard as it was to talk about it and get help at least now I'm not the only person to know the type of person he was.  I can talk about the pain when I feel it.  It's no longer something dark inside me, now it's something that I've gone through.  I don't know if I'd say I'm stronger for it but because of my abuse it's why I want to fight against it and because I survived I know that I can face a lot and make it through.

I'm no longer embarrassed.   No longer do I feel alone and different, because I know I'm not the only one to have gone through it.  No longer do I have to be quite. - "Don't tell anyone." - No longer ashamed.  No longer do I fear that I won't be believed, that no one is on my side.  It was super hard to talk about at first - but now it's freeing and empowering.

I'll leave with a few words of encouragement and advice for those of you who are going to speak tonight (or next year) for the first time,  and for those of you who have stories you haven't shared yet and don't know if you can...

1.) Talk! If you haven't opened up yet, just talk to your friends - you might be surprised at how many say "I went through something too."  Once I opened up my friends shared with me too.  The statistic is... 1 in 4...(women)....sadly I think the number is higher.

2.) If you haven't spoken at TBTN yet, and have something to share, think about next year.  Go home tonight and write about how you felt, if anyone inspired or comforted you.  Write your reasons for not sharing and the reasons you have to share.  Think about it.  Write what you want to say.  If next year comes and you can't get up here it's OK, talk to one of the lovely VIP people and they can read your story for you.  I've done it.

3.) If you are speaking tonight (or when you do speak tomorrow, next week, in a year, whenever)...  Take a deep breath, give yourself a pat on the back and know that you are strong!! and this is a very safe and non judgmental place to do public speaking.  It's OK to break down here and cry - we will cry with you - tears will be shed tonight - it's an emotional night.  Yell if you want - we understand your anger!  Don't worry about being perfect up here - no one is grading you and for that matter no one in life is perfect.  Just think of this room and everyone in it as a big support group - which in a way it is.  When you first look out at the crowd, don't see a room of strangers, see you family, friends, supporters.  See everyone as a fellow survivor and know you're in one of the safest places.

Lift your head high and take pride in knowing that you are taking a stand, you are acting against the abuse we've each faced.

Now is our time to act, to stand against abuse, to raise awareness and to end all abuse!  If you need more proof that NOW is our time go online and search:

NoMore.org

Take Back The Night   (#TakeBackTheNight and #TakeBackTheNight2015)

#YouAreNotAlone

#EndAbuse

(for more inspiration and to see the movement go check out my post Others who are speaking out)

There's a movement - it's been going on for a long while - and now is our time to be heard!!!!

Good luck to each of you!!

a photo of me with my NoMore sign.  Image credit: MichelleLee Photography