Last Night at TBTN

Last night I spoke at Take Back The Night and so did a few others.  I looked at the other victims who spoke or people who knew victims who got up and spoke and couldn't help but to think about how strong they were. It's not easy getting up in front of people and sharing what you or someone you knew went through with sexual violence.  There were a couple people there who looked like they could only be in high school still, I remember what that was like being in high school and going through something similar; I feel for them so much, but they are going to be strong, and they will overcome their past.  Their on the right path to do so by coming out and sharing and raising awareness.  My thoughts are with them and I hope they know that things will get better for them.
Last night's theme was "It's Time To Talk About It".
I know no one wants to talk about it, no one wants to think about it.  I also know no one wants to go through it, and no one wants to admit to having gone through it.  It's hard to face this thing that no one talks about, but we need to, we can't just burr our heads and think that by doing so it won't happen, that by not talking about it that it never did happen; because it does happen!  There are some facts you should know.  Like 1 out of 4 women and 1 out of 6 men will be sexually assaulted at some point in their lives.  And fewer than 20% of sexually violent crimes are reported?  Why do you think that is?? BECAUSE WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IT! People feel ashamed what what happened to them.  They feel like they can't talk about it.  You know I may only be 24 and just one girl but I hope I change this!
I was told from a very young age to not speak of what happened to me.  Go figure my "father's" parents didn't want their name tarnished.  They were big and important.  Some people still respect them...a lot of people do.  So I was told that it would make ME look bad and people would think less of ME if I spoke of what my "father" did...then my grandpa started and I was told no one would believe me if I spoke of it...besides I couldn't send him to jail he was too old.  So for YEARS I kept my mouth shut...never spoke about it.  Then one day at a party another girl and I bonded and we were talking about our past, she told me how she was hurt and I told her how I went through it too.  I was in 7th grade at this point (first time I told anyone after that long night when I first told my GG) well I guess she told her mom and her mom must have told my grandparents because that a couple nights latter I was YELLED at for telling someone what happened to me.  I asked why would I do that?  The kids in school will always pick on me now because of that.
I was never picked on for what I went through.  I learned when I was 16 or so that it's good to talk about it, but it's hard.  Now I'll tell anyone what happened to me...although I don't like to go into detail because it's hard to say it out loud.
It is time to talk about it....it's time to let victims know that it's OK to talk about....that they won't be picked on, they won't look bad, they are extremely strong for surviving and even stronger for talking.

I realized something else last night...
Last night was the first TBTN that my daughter went to. She's 3.  And as I read my speech and came home after and wrote her a letter (I write her letters once in a while like a book she'll have to read when she's older) I realized that I was her age when my father was molesting me.  OMG.  I cried, and I'm still getting sick about that thought...I don't understand how he could have done that to someone so small and innocent and to his own daughter....
My daughter is my world.  And I'll protect her as much as I can from evil...with everything I have.
Next year she'll be 4 and right around then is when I told someone what happened to me...not even knowing it was bad until I had to keep telling other people....
We have to find ways to tell our kids when they are still babies what good touch, bad touch is.  You know how hard that is??  I'm a survivor of child molestation and I still haven't really found a way to talk to my daughter about right and wrong touches.
I guess I haven't really taught her about it because I only leave her with people I trust my heart, soul, and daughter with...I have good instincts about people and she is only left alone with people I know and trust.  Which is hard because you have limited trust after a family member does something like that.  I'd never forgive myself if something was to happen to her.

So last night's theme really was a great one IT IS TIME TO TALK ABOUT IT! It's time to share our stories, it's time to raise awareness, it's time to teach our kids, it's time to teach everyone about the truth behind this unspoken of problem, that this is real!  And it happens to people of all walks of life!

Speaking tomorrow at Take Back The Night

Tomorrow night is Take Back The Night by me; TBTN is a rally against sexual violence, and it happens all over the country through out the month of April.  I've gone to 2 others before and they are powerful gatherings and very heavy and emotional.  Sexual assault and abuse is something very hard to go through and it hurts, you can fell the pain in the atmosphere at these rallies.  It's also a time to bring about awareness and give hope and share personal stories.  
I was asked to speak at our TBTN rally tomorrow by my counselor who helped me through high school with what I went through.  Of course I didn't really have to think about it, I think raising awareness is important and sharing my story is part of that.  


I want to share my speech for tomorrow on here with everyone so that all of you can be apart of tomorrow as well even if you're not there.  I've revised some of it for the web instead of speaking to a crowd.

Hey everyone, thanks for coming out and showing your support for victims and rallying together to raise awareness and help end sexual assault and abuse.

I was introduced to Victims Intervention Program about 8 years ago and they’ve really help me start to face my past and even what I was still going through when I started talking to them.  I’ve stayed in touch with the people who helped me and were by my side for 3 years, they’re great friends to have and wonderful people.  They made a big difference in my life and I know I’m just one of many.  Let’s give them a big hand to say Thank You for all they’ve done and all they do.  (Please if you know of a VIP near you or see that they are doing a fundraiser please help them out, it's a good cause.  Also if you are a victim then think about volunteering and helping others who are going through similar situations)

I was molested by my biological father at a young age, when it started I don’t know, it stopped when I told my family at the age of 4 or 5.  Then his parents took me in and the abuse started again, my grandmother blamed me for her son going to jail and I was the one who caused everything, then her husband who taught me how to shave and talked to me and stood up for me turned into the one who started to touch me inapropratly, then had me show him my chest so he could measure the growth of my boobs, that excelled into having to ride in the car without pants or showing him my boobs, and if I said no it was a big deal and no wasn’t something you told him ever.  Finally with the help of VIP and others I moved out and pressed charges.

I carried a lot of what I was told and what happened to me around for those 17 years and it wasn’t until after that I realized a lot of what I was told wasn’t true, and that I could change who I was into who ever I wanted to be.  A couple weeks ago I went to see, former rocket scientist and now great motivational speak, Rick Seymour speak.  He talked about self image, how our brains work and how to get the things you want in life.  A lot of what he said hit home to me.  He talked about how we get our self image from emotional and repitious events, and then he told us to dream and those dreams will make a difference in our lives and that we can make dreams a reality.

I had a very low self image.  I was always treated like Cinderella, I wasn’t allowed to talk unless spoken to, had to do all the farm chores while my brother watched, and I couldn’t ever do anything right.  I was told I was fat and stupid and that I’d never amount to anything.  I believed them.  I found it hard to make friends, and I always wanted to lose weight, but I also wanted to prove them wrong, but there was a voice in my head that kept arguing how I couldn’t do things I wanted.  I met my husband and through his upliving words my self image started to change.  Then a I started my own photography business and really felt like I was proving them wrong, but after a 2 years of it not taking off like I thought it would I once again heard the voice saying “failure” then I was introduced to Shaklee, and really started to feel empowered.  After hearing Rick Seymour speak I know know with out a doubt that what I was told for years wasn’t true, and that I am a successful business owner, I’m a surviver, I’m smart, pretty, and I can do all the things in life I want to.  I tell myself that every day because we need to reinforce the positives in our life.  

Then we were asked to dream.  I had my dreams stolen from me at a very young age.  I never dreamed of what my future would look like, I just let things happen and hoped for the best.  Who was I to dream of cars, money, vacations??  I should be happy with what I have.  That’s what I was taught and what I was told.  No one ever told me to dream, no one said you can do anything you want, it will take work but you can do it.  I learned how to dream that day.  I learned a lot that day.

I use to spend a lot of time looking back at the past and trying to figure out how my life would be different had I gotten help sooner, or what I could have done differently.  I found that that made me depressed and didn’t help me move forward in life.  I want everyone here to know that you are wonderful, beautiful, strong, and you should dream, and use those dreams to move you forward.  I think that because of the abuse and hardships we’ve had it takes a toll on us to the point that we don’t know about the good things in us.  I know that was true for me.  Shame on your friends and family if they don’t tell you everyday that you should do what makes you happy because you deserve to be happy.  After what we’ve gone through we should be able to live the life we want, and you can.  If any of you need someone to help you find your dreams or you need someone there to show you how great and strong you are come over to me and I’ll be happy to talk to you one on one and so will VIP.

I found a quote that I loved and I think it’s very fitting for tonight

I love that quote so much it’s the background on my computer and it drives me.  I struggled with why did this happen to me and I use to dwell on my past, the hurt and worry will always be there but the more you can forget about those people who didn’t treat you right and focus on the ones that do, the happier you’ll be.  Don’t ever forget what happened to you, don’t try to, use that and share it with everyone so that they know this is real and a problem.  And I couldn’t figure out why me, why did it happen, why is there abuse of all kinds in this world.  I don’t have an answer.  All I know is my past hurt me but because I worked through it I’m stronger and now know that I went through all that so I could tell my story, raise awareness and help other women with their past and help them find their inner strength to do the same.  I want to inspire everyone to dream, to stand up against their past, to stand up and make sure everyone knows that NO MEANS NO.

Welcome

Welcome to my newest blog.  If you've read my blog Open Eyes then you know why I've started this blog.

I am 24 years old, a wife, a mother, a volunteer, a photographer, and a health and wellness educator!  I was a victim.


April is sexual assault awareness month and the perfect time to start sharing my past with everyone.

This blog will be all about my past.  I had once thought about writing a book about the abuse I went through (even tried to write some of it down) but found that it was really hard to do.  I have some black walls in my memory from my childhood that makes trying to remember or retell the whole story hard.

I hope to give other victims hope, and inspiration, and someone to relate to.  I also want to raise awareness with this blog.  I've been around a lot of people who have made jokes about sexual assault and they didn't even know how much it bothered me and how I wanted to scream "it's not funny! I'm that person that you're cracking a joke at." But I never did because I felt so below everyone else that it didn't matter.  No one should feel that way, and by sharing my story I hope that it makes other people aware of how real sexual abuse is and that you don't always know what the people around you have gone through or are going through.