Violence amoung teens and my theory of a link to Parenting

I've been watching the news and there are many disturbing things going on in the world, and the most disturbing to me as a parent is that just this week there was a school shooting, and 2 people killed by teens because "they were bored".  America what's going on here??

Last week I was watching The movie Parenthood and found this quote and it really hit home with me not only because of my own past and experience with parents but even more so because of the news a couple weeks ago. 

How is it that everything requires a license but 2 people can make a baby?  I'm not saying that the government should step in and require license to pro-create because well then I wouldn't be here today and that would be way to intrusive into the lives of the people.  The quote does make you think about it though.  For me, I've always found it odd that the Judge/State or whoever made the ruling thought that the people who raised Rick should be given 2 more kids to raise.  I think it was only because Gen and Jim were well off.  I do have to say I learned how to work hard being there and sure enough I was raised with manners. 

It disturbs me to see in the news how teens are committing such violent crimes.  When two kids shot a man in the back simply because "they were bored" everyone was talking about how the problem was that the kids had a gun.  No, the problem isn't a gun problem...the gun was just the way in which the crime was carried out.  I do believe kids shouldn't have guns unless accompanied by an adult.  Why is it that:
 
But this isn't even about gun rights.  Because the same week there were two teens who beat a WW2 vet with a flash light who latter died at a hospital, those teens killed a man just the same as the others without a gun.  Actually I think the crime without the gun was more brutal. 

Then came the talk about race.  Really?  I thought that we had realized 50 years ago that people are the same, that race doesn't matter it's just different amounts of pigment in the skin.  Race doesn't make one person more apt to commit a crime than another. 

The problem isn't guns, or race; the problem is that young people are killing others.  That they are out getting into trouble.  This is a parenting problem...  Where were these kids parents?  Why did these kids have a gun?  Why were the kids out thinking about killing or hurting people? 

The school shooting that happened at in Georgia the bookkeeper who helped the troubled young adult to surrender said in one interview that I watched that the shooter told her that no one loved him and that's why he was doing this.


This is the problem.  We're not valuing our children enough.  They are only little for so long then they grow.  We are living in a nation and economy where both parents have to work in order to keep a roof over head and food on the table.  This needs to change.  Parents need to be with their kids, Children need to know they are loved. 

We are living in a world where we're raising our children in fear.  We crush their hopes and dreams.  Then they are also home alone.  Then there are the parents who are abusive, drunk, and into drugs.  As a parent it's our job to set a good example of life.  As a teacher we need to educate our children in what they need to have a bright future. 


The other day I was out hiking with my family and my oldest daughter stopped to look at moss and I was telling her that it's moss and she can study botany in school (the study of plants) or she can study zoology and become a vet.  My husband looked at me and said "stop planning her life she has a long way to go before she knows what she wants to be" to which my daughter replied "yeah, Mom, I'm only 4!"  Yes, but it's my strong belief that if we tell our children that they can be ANYTHING that they want to be and once they have a dream and passion in one direction to harness it and help them along that they will believe in themselves and go after their goals.  I think that if there was more of this then there wouldn't be so many teen pregnancies, bored and lost teens out getting in trouble. 

I say this from my own experience...
My grandparents told me when I was in high school and had a dream of becoming a teacher that I was too stupid to be a teacher and should take nursing classes (even though I disliked hospitals) and then when I wanted to study horses and go to Cornell University and figure out what with horses I wanted to do they crushed that dream telling me that I didn't know enough and that there's no money in horses.  Gen and Jim really crushed all my dreams and I had very little self-esteem all through school.  I'm lucky that I had teachers and other supporters who told me that they believed in me and thought I'd go far in life.  I do feel like I've let them down that I haven't gone that far or accomplished much at all.  But I haven't stopped trying.  I keep making new goals and one day I'll succeed at something.  


Since my thoughts were a bit all over the place...let me conclude by summing up my thoughts for you.  The world today seems a sad and hostile place and with all the violence our children are facing at such young ages and then growing to commit murders we need to change this for the future generations.  We need to change this world that we're living in and make it a brighter place for all.  In order to make this change we need to offer classes about parenting and give parents more options to learn how to deal with problems that arise (trust me I'm far from perfect and can use some too), we need to raise the minimum wage so that parents aren't spending all their time working and have more quality time with their children, we need to make sure that kids know that they are loved and to support their dreams.  And for the people that have guns in their home they need their children to know that guns are dangerous and not to be touched without an adult and parents for crying out loud lock your guns up so that they aren't easy access to children!!  I think if we do this and teach and show children how to love and to have a respect for one another that the world as a whole will be a more peaceful and happy place.


I'll leave you with some more great photo/quotes relating to children, parenting and a brighter future:

Last week in my blog I told you the names of my abusers and that they were bus drivers.  I was surprised to find that Rick was listed as the co-owner and manager of a school bus company.  As a parent it's very scary to think about how little you know the people around you and how abusers and how sex offenders can be anywhere. 

With technology growing it's no wonder parents need to be even more cautious and worried.  I saw this video going around on facebook and was so happy to have had family and friends share it.  I am a photographer and love taking photos of everything so I was sure to have shut off my location but it still makes me very nervous.  I hope that parents will watch the video on how easy it is to find your location.  Please make sure all setting on your children's and your social media pages are set to PRIVATE.  My cousin found that Rick was on facebook.  This worries me I think that there should be laws out to make it so sex offenders couldn't be but then it's the internet and people can always lie.



Sport fans please don't be offended, but why are people this passionate and proud to be standing for something but not for many other things?  I think every parent and survivor and teacher and person should be yelling and demanding for more awareness to sexual violence and the people who have been convicted of it.

I loved this post I saw on facebook:


I wish every state would do this!  I think it's a great idea!  I hate that sex predators can be anyone and blend into the crowd of people. 

Names

Thanks to some survivors at Take Back The Night this year who got up and introduced themselves by name I've realized that I shouldn't hide names. Like I said you never know how your speaking helps others.

I realized that I shouldn't hide who I am, I've done nothing wrong, although I'm still embarrassed and ashamed of what happened to me I know I shouldn't be but you can't help it, abuse leaves marks that can't be seen and shame is one of those marks. You want to hide and remain annomys. For me it's that and the reason I haven't shared names is out of fear even still, years after the abuse has stopped, I'm still afraid of what might happen by putting their names out there, but I'm going to do it anyway...why? Because people should know who they are, because I know my "father" who molested his own daughter, and if he did it to his own daughter then no child is safe around him, isn't on Megan's List...because he was convicted of his crime before Megan's Law.

So names....I will now use names for the two who abused me....while one has died before being convicted the other still lives.

Richard "Rick" Davis was, or well biologically is my father. He is a convicted child molester, he went to jail for 5 or 7 years. When he started touching me, I don't know, I don't have a lot of early childhood memories, but there are a lot of clips that I wish I didn't have. By the time I entered 1st grade he was in jail. The last I heard he was living in Shohola, PA.

James "Jim" Davis was while not biologically, but adoptivally, Rick's father, and my grandfather. He was very well respected in the community, and had many political friends. I didn't tell anyone of what he did to me until I was out of his house and 17years old. He died before any trial or conviction.

Gennive "Jen" Davis was the wife of Jim and mother of Rick. She still is a respected member of the community, and drives and owns school buses. She blamed me and my mother for her son Rick going to jail.

Wow, even though I'm 25 and have been out of the house and away from the 3 of them I'm still fearful of telling their names...but as I said before, I'm gonna suck it up and tell you all because you have a right to know who commits such crimes and that they are from all backgrounds.

From now on in my blog I will use their names, I no longer have to refer to Rick as my father since I've never liked doing so.

It is important to know that Rick was a school bus driver! A person that was always around children! He even owned buses. He is not allowed to own or drive school buses now but I know for a fact that he is still around them. How? Well before I moved out of Jen and Jim's I was told that he was around by his brother, and then I saw him. He never came near me. Jen and Jim didn't know that I knew. He was caught driving bus for a summer camp I had worked at, and the owner who knew Rick wasn't allowed to be around kids told him to get off the property and not to come back on. Other family friends who know of what happened have told us that they have seen him driving an empty bus to get work done on it (we've learned that if the "school bus" signs aren't showing it's not against the law) and on a couple ocassions has gone out to buses that have broken down to fix them.

Jen and Jim owned a large number of school buses and both drove school bus. While Jim died 6 or 7 years ago Jen still owns the buses and drives. She never touched me, she only put me down, called me names and made me feel like shit.

Sex offenders can be anyone! The Davis name while it's a common name, was highly respected in our community. I think it still is, because they kept all their dirty secrets hidden from everyone. I was always told growing up to never tell anyone what happened to me because if I did people would think poorly of me, make fun of me, and I'd just be hurting myself. I've realized that it was their name and reputation that they didn't want ruined.

To you seeing them, you'd never think or know what they truely were/are, what they did. To me, I knew the truth, after all I was the one going through the abuse. I often wondered why other people didn't see it...couldn't they see their thoughts? I know people can't, but as someone going through the abuse, you really wish people could!

They had money! They had a lot of money and were well off. Abuse doesn't know any boundries, age, race, money, job, religion, there are no defining charatistics of who will be abuse, or of those who abuse others. I hated money, and power. Why? Because Jen and Jim had both! And Jim always held that over me. He told me I couldn't tell anyone because no one would believe me and that he was too old to go to jail. No one would believe me because he was powerful. I was terrified when I finally told. Who would believe me? And as far as I know I was the only person he ever did that to. Oh but he told me how he loved to look at girls getting on the school bus in short skirts. But what does that matter? I doubt he told anyone else that.

So to everyone who lives where there's a Davis school bus (G Davis Inc), you now know of the people who are around the busses. I will not allow my children on one. Once they start riding a bus I'm gonna make sure I know who the driver is and make sure that they know to tell me the moment they don't feel safe.

I want to end this entry with a link to a letter from a child molester written to Ann Landers:

Get back up again...

 

Life can be hard sometimes, as many of you who read this know...

 

I've been hurt by the people closest to me,

the ones who should be there protecting me,

yet after all that

I picked myself up,

dusted off,

and day by day started holding my head a little higher,

as I started to make a better life.

 

I've seen people I care about pass,

seen them drink away their memories,

seen some turn to drugs and lose everything,

I've seen people get beat up by life.

It's sad.

I've seen beautiful souls taken from this life too soon.

Sometimes life is really unfair.

But the world keeps turning and life keeps going.

There's only one thing to do,

Get back up

Dust off

Hold your head high

and keep going strong believing that tomorrow will be better

 

Because even as I've seen all the pain and somber things above what keeps me going...

 

The sunrise in the morning

The promise of a new day

The smell of fresh cut grass

The feel of a horse under me flying down the trail

The soothing calm of sitting by a river

The colorful sky when the sun sets

 

No matter my failures I keep going

for the one day when I succed

for the day that I can have all my dreams

for the look on everyone's faces when I do finally meet all my goals and I can say "Told you so"

 

I keep going dispite the hard times

because of all the laughs and smiles durning the good times

 

I try to make the most out of life for those who were taken too soon

for those who don't make the most and just watch the days pass by

 

I keep going and I hope you do too.

 

Let your life be a message to someone else

Be an inspiration

Be an example

Be a survivor

and show those who are in the lows of life right now that if they keep getting up each day that it gets better.

 

 

Never would have known...

"I would have never known that you went through that"

"You couldn't tell that you went through that"

"I would have never guessed..."

"You turned out so well..."

"I'm surprised at how you handle yourself...."

 

 

These are all things I've heard over the years and I don't know why but it

 

surprises me that people say some of them. You can't tell what a person has

 

gone through just by looking at them. Only physical abuse leaves marks. In

 

talking to someone, unless they tell you, you don't know what they've gone

 

through and keep secrete. Even people who you've known for years could harbor

 

dark details that you wouldn't have known about until they open up and tell you.

 

I know my family didn't know about what my grandfather was doing to me until I

 

told first my boyfriend at the time, then my counselor, then had to tell my

 

family about it...I was 17 at that point...and was already out of that house and

 

abuse. People wouldn't have known if I didn't say anything....so you can't tell

 

just by looking, knowing, or even talking to a person what they've gone

 

through.

 

Sexual, mental, and emotional abuse don't leave marks for people to see.

 

They leave permant lasting marks on the victims' memories, mind, and self image

 

most of the time. And these marks will never fully heal. Physical abuse does

 

the same thing to a person, only the physical marks will heal. Now I did say

 

that one will never fully heal from abuse, and it's true, but there's a lot of

 

healing that will happen in time, and with help and support.

 

Everyone copes with their abuse in different ways, and to stereotype that

 

everyone who has been abuse will have problems with drugs, drinking, or violence

 

is wrong. I'm very lucky in that I don't battle any of these problems. I

 

remember being told by my uncle who was raised by the same abusive grandparents

 

that once I was out of that house I would go off to college and party like crazy

 

and do all the drugs out there. That's what he did. I don't know what he went

 

through at all, he never told me much more than that my grandparents had gotten

 

soft, they were much harder on him. I think it also didn't help him when he

 

learned what his brother had done to me when I was so young. I loved my uncle

 

dearly. I was really caught off guard when I found out that he had committed

 

suicide.

 

I don't know for sure but since his father and brother both molested me maybe he had gone through something in that house at a young age as well. I don't know. Statistically speaking it's a good chance he was abused as well. I always thought and really believe that I was the only one hurt by my grandfather.

 

People are good at hiding things when they really don't want others to know something. Abuse isn't only for the people who are poor or doing drugs or it can happen to anyone no matter what their lifestyle could have been abused, or could be being abused. It doesn't matter how they look, or act. You just don't know.

 

So if someone tells you that they've been abused don't say "I would have never known" but try I'm sorry to hear, or if you can relate tell them that you know what it's like and share your story and be a friend who they can talk to.

 

Now when I was going through the abuse and my life was crazy and I was still in school and getting help I was told by my counselor how well I was handling everything and that helped. It helped to hear that I was doing good and she told me how strong I was. To say those things to someone who is being abused or just got out of an abusive home that will help, just let them know they are strong, doing good, and even when they feel like they are falling apart by telling them they are handling everything well will make them feel better. At least it did me.

 

Maybe that's why I didn't get into drugs bad or try to drink away my problems...just to know that someone cares and loves you can make all the difference. I was lucky to have had that in my teachers, counselors, and my family who was there for me and took me in.

The Perks Of Being a Wallflower (the movie)

A note before I start. I don't want to ruin or spoil the movie for anyone. It is a great movie so please if you haven't seen it yet then stop reading NOW and go watch it, then come back and read if you wish as I'm sure this entry will make more sense after watching the movie.

　

***Read on only if you've seen the movie***

 

I am so happy I was able to rent The Perks of Being a Wallflower from my local library and got to watch it.

I always find it hard to watch a movie or show that brings up childhood abuse or rape. I wasn't raped but the feeling that come with watching that are really hard to deal with. Everytime my chest gets tight, I often feel like hiding somewhere, I remember how I felt, and I always feel ashamed and like everyone around me can tell that I was that kid in the movie. I don't know if everyone feels that way...I never ask, I've never told how thoses scenes make me feel. I'd describe it a panic or anziity attack. And it always makes me uncomfortable to watch when there's a lot of people in the room, espically if I do cry or really freak out over my flood of feelings from the past. It does usually help to have my husband near to comfort me. Even though this is how I feel I still think it's important to have movies, and TV shows, and books that adress childhood abuse. It's important to make other uncomfortable, and to show them that this really does happen.

For me writing helps me sort out my feeling or to overcome emotions. It helps me to let it all out...and I can't let it out by talking. Talking about the way I feel has always been very hard for me even in coucling so I've always written...it is 12:15 in the morning and after watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower I had so much on my mind that I had to get it out. I hope to write and be done so that I can get some sleep tonight. Just a little side note for other survivors or victems, do whatever it takes for your feeling to be out there. Now back to relating to the movie...

I guesse now it a good time to relate to the main charater, Charlie. I could relate to him right off the bat. He kept a type of diary, writing letters to a Dear Friend, talking about what was comming up and how he was feeling just then, but never once did he mention abuse in the letters. He was a wallflower, a loner, and he was scared and nervous. He got close to a teacher, who probably didn't know it but helped him out, and encouraged his writing and education. He said in the begining of the movie how he went all summer without talking to anyone outside of his family. I knew just how he was feeling for that was me, all throughout school. I didn't make friends easily, but was really close to teachers. There were a few who were really helped me. I had friends in school but none that I was really really close to, and not one that I talked to over breaks. Jen and Jim kept me very issolated from everyone. Every year at the begining of the school year I'd wonder who would want to talk to me. It didn't bother me, I didn't mind sitting back and listening. I loved school it was my safe-haven from my home life where I could never do anything right and had to wonder if Jim was going to try to see me naked or touch me. I always kept a diary, although I never mentioned any abuse I was going through. I didn't start writing about my abuse or feelings over it until I was getting counceling from VIP.

By the end of the movie you learn about the molestation he had gone through, although you would have never known. Since I had watched this movie after reading "Inoculating Your Children Against Sexual Abuse!" I picked up on the big sign of the aunt telling him "our little secret" about getting him a gift. Other than that you wouldn't have known about what was going on, until they show you. I will encourage all parents now to get the book "Inoculating Your Children Against Sexual Abuse!" as it goes through steps in teaching your children to protect themselves one of which is your family has no secrets, and it also has a checklist for you to ask yourself about anyone that's around your kids.

He says that one of the hardest days is when he was getting help the doctor had to tell his parents what had happened to him, and how hard it was on everyone. Having gone through that not only once but twice, I can tell you it's extremely hard! Childhood sexual abuse doesn't only effect the child, but once everyone around, just in a different way. My family told me that they feel like they should have known, and sometimes blame themselves for what happened to me. It's hard to come to terms with that someone you know, someone that is part of your family would do such a thing to a child, to your child, one who you thought was safe. Parents wouldn't leave their kids alone with someone who they didn't think the kids wouldn't be safe with, so the abuse always comes as a big surprise. It was hard for me at a young age of 5 or so to tell my family the first time, espically since I didn't understand why they were making a big deal out of it or what was happening. The second time I had to tell people I was a grown teen of 17...and that was hard. I had to tell everyone that I had this big secret that I had kept and hidden for years. I think the movie did a great job at showing how hard it was on everyone to learn of what had happened, and to show how ackward it is after, how everyone feels uneasy. It's hard to get that emotion in a movie, but I think they did it well. I think it's easier for me to understand since I had gone through it.

The great thing for Charlie is that he made really great close friends who were there for him. And he had a very supporting family.

Just like in reality Charlie wasn't the only one to have suffered abuse, and I love how the writers go on to show that your friends don't turn their backs on you when they learn of your past.

Charlie's sister dates a guy through the movie and in one scene, and only one scene they show a fight between the two of them and he hits her. I've never been in a relationship like that but have had friends who have. I always said, and told my husband, if I was ever hit that would be the end of the relationship no matter what. I had my share of abuse growing up and I wouldn't and won't put up with it. I honestly don't understand why anyone would stay with someone who hits them or makes them feel bad. My one friend who I had learned that her boyfriend had hit her, when I told her to leave him and that she could do better, she made the excuse for him that she egged him on, it was only that one time, that she wouldn't stay if he hit her again, and that she had already invested too many years with him that she couldn't find anyone else and that she loved him. This same friend when set up with a great guy a few years before and went out on a date, told me that she couldn't date him because he was too nice for her and she didn't deserve that. It's really sad, and they say it in the movie, people go for and stay with what they feel they deserve. It's true, you do. I dated a lot of jerks and guys below me but there were 2 who really were good and showed me that I could date above the level I thought. One was my high school sweetheart who I dated for just under a year. He was supportive and the first one I told about what Jim had done to me. While we didn't stay together, him and I still remained close friend, and still are to this day. I'm very thankful to him for all the support he gave me. After we broke up, I went back to a low self estem and not dating anyone good. Finally my best friend at the time set me up on a blind date with the man who is now my husband. I really didn't think he'd want to stay with me, but he did, and he's turned my life around! So, if you're someone who is with someone who treats you poorly, just know that you deserve better, even if you don't think so, you do, you're worth more than you think!! I love how they show at the end of the movie the sister does leave her boyfriend and they show her happier without him.

Charlie's first relationship is with a girl he didn't really want to be with. I've been there too! He stayed with her because he felt bad for breaking up with her. There is no abuse in this relationship. He finally ends the relationship in an awful way. I really felt bad for the girl. It is never a good idea to stay in a relationship that you don't love the person your with. As a person who always wants people to be happy that's really hard to do. I know I dated a guy once who was sucidal. I didn't want to be with him, and had no feeling for him. I only said yes to going out with him because he got up the nerve to ask me out and I felt like I'd really hurt his feeling if I said no. Then once I learned about how he'd inflict self pain, I didn't want to break up with him for fear of him really hurting himself. It was a very awkward, and intense relationship. After dating only a week he told me that he loved me, and then at 2 weeks he told me that if I ever left him he'd kill himself. Wow. that makes it hard. I broke up with him finally after he had hurt himself and ended up in a mental hospital where he had called me. I figured at least there he was safe. I'm happy to say that the relationship in the movie wasn't like that, but it did remind me of that relationship I had. Relationships are hard and tricky, but you have to do what's best for you.

Charlie makes a great friend in Patrick, who is outwardly gay, but in a closed closet relationship. Patrick's boyfriend will not come out of the closet because he says his father will beat him, and when his father catches the two of them together he does. It comes out that the father started beating his son in front of Patrick. He didn't do anything to stop it and left. I feel really bad for both boys. I can't relate to them for lack of expierence here. I was only beat a few times, never in front of non family and never had to cover bruises. I feel for those who are gay and afraid of coming out. I wish people would stop judging and putting religion into it, they can believe whatever they want but 2 people who are of the same sex and want to be together aren't hurting anyone so why make them feel bad? I know as a mother, I would not turn my back on either of my girls if they told me they had a girlfriend. I think as a parent it's your job to be supportive. The sad thing about this abuse is that neither boy told anyone else, and neither of them got help. I don't care if their reason was that it only happened once, there is NO reason to beat a child, teen, person, like that. The dad should have gone to jail.

Through Patrick, Charlie meets Sam. He falls for her right away. One night she opens up about her first kiss being with her father's boss, when she was 11. She talks about how she was, we'll use the term lose, her freshman year. This too I can sadly relate to. While my family doesn't know, or well, didn't, if they read this they will and hope they don't think poorly of me. After finally getting out of Jen and Jim's house and given freedom, I had my first love, I mentioned him before. He was great to me, but when we broke up I felt like nothing. I was living with great family, but I lost all self respect. I slept around a bit until I met the man who is my husband. When you've been put down for so long, forced to undress, and be touched, it takes away your self esteem.

All of this makes the movie so powerful, heavy, and intense. I'm so happy that this movie brings up so many issues that I've had, and brings to light the topics of different kinds of abuse and how it effects people. I wasn't expecting any of that from the previews. The writers did a great job in while bringing to light such painful realities, really telling a full story, and kept you watching. They didn't go into full, hard to watch scenes of abuse, which makes it a lot easier to watch, when they did show any it was in a very short clip. Mostly the abuse it talked about, just like in reality, when friends finally open up and share with each other.

Thank you again to the writers, producers, and cast in this movie for doing such a wonderful job, and for bringing to light some many important matters!

Your story could Help

I posted my speech this year for Take Back The Night in which I spoke about why I speak and share my story. By sharing our stories as survivors we not only support each other but inspire each other to open up, get help, and in turn heal. I use to want to write a book or make a movie to bring about awareness but really never could write my story out word for word the way it happened, to tell it from start to end in detail. I could picture much of it although a lot of my childhood is cut in and out, I only have pieces of the memories, and many of which I wish I didn't have. My thought for sharing my story like that is to make childhood sexual abuse very public and to show that it happens and how often. I want to bring this issue that everyone hides and tries to cover up or say didn't happen to attention. I don't see me accomplishing this, but it is a good thought and maybe someone will do it with their own story one day. The book "A Child Called It" did that with childhood abuse and neglect. I have read that, and my heart went out to the child, it sickened me that someone could treat any person that way.

I always hope that by speaking each year at Take Back The Night that I'll help at least one person get the help that they need or to share their story and help another person. With this blog I hope that it's a safe way to do the same, and to let other survivors or victims know that they aren't alone.

I was really happy to see a large jump in the number of page views after speaking. I hope that it helps.

  I received these emails from my counselor which really made me feel good that I've helped others speak:
"Thank you so much !  I will share the information from your blog.  It was such an empowering night and I greatly appreciate your involvement through the years, as well as the information you now share on your blog.  I often use you as an example, without names of course, to help encourage others to speak.  I tell them that we have someone who  started speaking while still in high school and that they have continued either in person or by sending us something to read through the years.  You just never know the effect that your sharing may have.  "
" I have never had anyone regret speaking at Take Back the Night so I’m going to share that.  Then I also share that in actuality not only do they not regret it, they look forward to speaking again.  I love how positive your blog is and I’m glad you have been able to use your writing not only to help you, but now to help others.  Keep passing it on!"


It really means a lot to me that I help others speak out because I know how much it helped me the first time I went to Take Back The Night and heard other survivors speak. I finally realized that the way I felt and what I had gone through, someone else had felt and gone through as well.

I really hope that other's will share their stories because you never realize how much your sharing can help someone else. It might help them admit to you or someone about the abuse they are going through, or to help them get help with something they've gone through. Your story just lets other's know that they aren't alone.

It took me a long long time to be able to share my story. And I know how hard it is to tell the first few times, but it get easier every time. Now at times it's hard but after having opened up to others and having them open up to me about things they've gone through and helping each other it makes it easier. After having opened up to a few people and found that they've gone through something similar and never really talked about it and how they felt, made me want to share more to raise more awareness.

When you're ready to share, know that you don't have to let people know who you are, you can share your story at Take Back The Night without telling anyone there your name, you could write a blog, a letter, a book, and not have your name mentioned, do it under a fake name.



Your story really will help someone, so please open up in someway and share. Let your story be known and raise awareness, help victims know that they aren't alone, and give other survivors support and courage to share as well!  Weather you know of the abuse or not you more than likely know someone who has been abused....

Everyone knows someone who has been a victim weather they are aware of it or not, tell the story and help someone else.

What's wrong with this world? Boston Bombing :(

I don't have TV or internet at my house so when tragedies happen I'm left in the dark until someone tells me about it, I turn on the radio, or get out and get online. In many ways I think it's nice to have that because you can still feel safe and think that there is good in the world or be caught up in the fantasy of a good book where the bad guy is always caught and punished and good prevails. But then when you're tossed back out into reality and find the news, and facebook flooded with all the bad news of tragedies that happen you feel like an ostorage having your head pulled from a dark hole, and all you want is to go back to that safe bubble.

I'm not a stranger to the awareness of how sick and bad people in this world can be. I just find it so sad and very frightening that there are people out there who like to hurt others. And find it hard to accept that there are people who believe in religions that think that certain people or anyone who doesn't do like they believe deserve to be "punished" or anything! Sadly there are people in every religion who go to extremes and find justice in crimes that they commit. I don't understand how, nor will I ever. There is no excuse for inflicting pain and hurting others, NONE!

I don't know why the bombing that happened yesterday happened. Nor do I think that there is any that would make the people effected by it feel better. One of the first questions that comes to mind when something bad happens is "Why?" My question is "What Is Wrong With This World??" Really, why do things like this happen? What's wrong with people that do this? I don't understand our world at all...

The good news is that not everyone in this messed up world is bad. There are many good people and things in our world. Look around at a new baby, at a couple just getting married, at the EMTs, fire fighters, cops, and other people who rush in to help others when it's needed, look at a rainbow in the sky, or a child blowing bubbles. See someone doing something nice and unexpected for someone else or a hurt animal. There are many good things to find in the world. Look for the beauty in a new flower, the spring grass, photos of someplace exotic. There is the good news that while bad things happen, and unfortunately they happen way too often, that there is always 10 good things that you can find. Look at all the people that come together to help out, look at how a community will come together in hard times, this should give us faith in our world.

My heart goes out to all the people hurt in the bombing yesterday and to the family and friends of the ones who were killed.

May we one day live in a peaceful world where we can always feel safe.

May there one day be no more bad news.

May we all find love and compassion in our hearts.

To end this on a uplifting note, check out 26 Moments That Restored Our Faith In Humanity in 2012 it's really touching

A book that is a MUST for EVERY Parent!!

I told you in my last blog that this year at Take Back the Night I got to hear Norman E. Friedman speak about teaching our children to protect themselves from sexual abuse and how my mother bought me his book; well I have now read it all and really want to encourage every parent, grandparent, guardian, caregiver of children to get it and read it!! I didn't know this at the time but while they were selling the books at Take Back The Night 50% of all sales went towards VIP!! I think that is really great! I wish I had the money at the time to buy a copy for all of my friends and family! I would still love to do so as the book is something that teaches us how to teach our children how to protect themselves and to me you can't put a price on that!!

Even though I was molested as a young child on up through my teen years, and know how important it is to teach children the difference between right and wrong, I didn't know how to teach my daughter the normal good touch, bad touch. I didn't know where or how to start and just hoped that by being very protective over her that nothing would ever happen to her. I am so happy and thankful that I was given the book "Inoculating Your Children Against Sexual Abuse!" I now know how to teach my girls about the "NO TOUCH ZONE", and things to do to help them protect themselves. The lessons in this book are something that every child should learn and every parent needs to teach in their homes!!

"Inoculating Your Children Against Sexual Abuse!" is a two part book. Part one is for parents, caregivers, or anyone who is responsible for a child's safety is any way. It talks about how to pick up on signs of a predator and gives you some facts to many of the common myths about childhood sex abuse. These facts ring very true and are scary. There is also a letter in the book that was written by a child molester to Ann Landers which goes on to tell how a person who is a child molester is never "cured" and how you wouldn't be able to tell him/her apart from anyone else in a crowd. I have never believed that a person can be "cured." I've had friends who have had boyfriends who have hit them and they think that they can "fix" the guy, but I've never seen it happen. Now I've never gone back to see my father and have no desire to, but I'll tell you one thing I don't think his 5 or 7 years in jail did anything! I would never let my children around anyone who has been convicted or even suspected of hurting a child!!

Part two of the book is the most valuable part of the book, in my opinion. This part of the book goes on to tell the parent how to teach children how to keep themselves safe. And it starts with teaching children from age 18months up. The way Mr. Friedman writes the steps and lessons is easy to understand and makes a lot of sense. After reading the book, it seems like common sense but yet it's not how many of us think of things.

Please if you're a parent, or know someone who will become a parent/gaurdian then go out and get the book "Inoculating Your Children Against Sexual Abuse!" It's a book that you can't put a value on having and learning the information, take it from someone who has gone through childhood sexual abuse, it's something you never want any other child to go through and while my life is now good it's something that stays with you forever. I'd do anything I could to make this world a world in which no child would ever know the pain that I have; a world in which every child grew up safe and innocent.

I want to take a moment now to send out my biggest "Thank You" to Norman E. Friedman. Thank you for writing this book!! I'm sure it has helped many parents, families, and children. I know it's one of my most valued books for teaching me how to protect my daughters from facing the same hurt I've had in my past. My mother when she bought it for me said, "It may be 25 years too late for me but it's not for you." I know my family wishes they had the book 25 years ago but the fact of my abuse is that I don't know if it was something that could have been prevented as it was done before I was 5 years of age, by my own father, the one person in the world who should do everything possible to protect you was the one who hurt me. I don't know the reason, I assume money, but for whatever reason my father's parents got coustidy of me, even if my mother, aunt and rest of the family had read the book there was so much fear in my grandparents house that I would never had told anyone. And I didn't tell anyone of what was happeneing until after I was out of the house. I don't think anyone ever would think that the person they married, loved and had children with would ever hurt thier children in that way, parents are supose to be protective! I think that Norman's book should be a staple given out at hospitals after given birth. I think that it's lessons and "instruction manual" gives ways to help children protect themselves and a way for them to feel safe and tell parents about anything that is going on with them. Norman, with what I've gone through, and I know that sadly I'm not the only person as a child to have been abused by a parent, I wish there was a way for the other parent or someone else to notice. If you have any words of advice or anything about this please share it, for myself I was always afraid of having kids until I met my husband. He truely is a great man who I have no concerns about at all. I know that unfortunatily not all woman are as lucky...

I still have a lot more to say thank you to Mr. Friedman for....Thank you for all that you have done in helping children! Not only your book which I'm sure has helped many, but for all your work with children. For those of you reading this that don't know Norman E. Friedman has a long history of careing for and treating children with serious emotional problems, as a educator, counselor, and mental health professional. He has more than 50 years in helping survivors professionally, and had spoken to and taught many organizations, camps, and people who work with children. I know after hearing him speak how much of an impact and help he has been. Thank you for your commitment to protecting our children, and for helping them overcome their past!!

Thank you for taking time to come to Take Back The Night in my town and speaking! What you had to say really reached out to everyone that was there! I only wish that more people had come out that night to hear you talk! I love how your shared personal stories and gave us all very important lessons in how to teach our children to protect themselves!! Your speaking was very empowering, and hopeful to everyone there.

Thank you also for donating 50% of the sales of your books that night at Take Back The Night to VIP! That means so much to me personally that you weren't selling your books for profit yourself but to help such a great organazation who has not only helped me but many other people in our community!

Now a note to all who are reading this, if you ever get a chance to attend somewhere where Norman E. Friedman is speaking, GO! You will take a lot away from what he has to say and will learn invaluable lessons on how to protect our children from abuse. If you haven't done so already, then please get his book!! Read his book, and buy it for your friends and family! Pass the lessons your learn in the book on to all other parents and your children!

I hope that one day we will not have to worry about the safety of our children, I hope that one day the world will be safe for all that there will be an end to violence to all men, woman, and children, that abuse of all types will be non-existant. Until that day comes we have to do ALL that we possibly can to protect ourselves and our children, which includes being educated on these topics, aware of people who have commited these acts, and to speak out against it!!!

An inspiring night at Take Back The Night

Last night was Take Back The Night. I've gone to a few over the years but last night was by far the best I've ever gone to. It was a heavy, emotional, but uplifting and informative event. The turn out of people was great! I was so happy to see so many people come out and be a part of taking the night back, it really is empowering to see a large support group of people who are there against sexual assault.

The keynote speaker was phenomenal! Norman E. Friedman really reached out to me and my family with how to teach children to protect themselves against molestation. He talked about teaching the child the "No Touch Zone" and how to tell them "You are not allowed to touch me there" if someone tries to enter their "No touch zone." I'm so thankful to my mother who bought me his book that was for sale "Inoculating Your Children Against Sexual Abuse!" Really Thank You mom! I haven't read it yet as I just got it last night and haven't had a moment but I'm sure I'll have read it cover to cover by the end of the weekend. I want to do everything possible to prevent my daughter (soon to be daughters) from going through what I went through.

Then we had the survivor's speak. The survivor's part is always hardest for me because it's raw emotion and having gone through abuse it really hits hard. The people who spoke were so strong and brave, and really inspiring. They spoke about what happened to them, and shared a pome or song that helped them in healing. I can tell you having been a speaker last night, it was the largest crowd I've spoken in front of and it was a bit frightening, but also so many people being there was really supportive as well knowing that they were all there for the same reason. I really want to say thank you to all who spoke last night, they all did such a great job.

There was a man who spoke about the abuse he had gone through and I heard him speak for his first time last year and to see the change in him over a year was great! He spoke about how hard it is for men to come forward about abuse that happens to them and how hard it is to talk about. He is now a counselor with VIP in hopes to get other men to talk about their abuse, because it's easier for a man to talk to a man (which I feel the same it's easier for me to talk to another woman) and to just get help that is needed. I really applaud him in overcoming his past and using it to now help others!!

There were 2 young girls who read pomes/sung and they did such a great job. They were so young and so strong and brave for getting up there and opening up. I wish I had a copy of the songs and pomes to share. The pome that was read really touched me. It was about how this girl had gone through something so hard and how her mother didn't believe her and how alone she felt and wanted to leave this life. I know exactally how she felt and I know there are many other victems and surviviors who have gone through the same or are going through it. When you're a victem you really do feel like you're all alone, and for someone not to believe you it makes you feel that much more alone. When I was going through my abuse I wanted to die, but never could do it, I also didn't want to give my abusers the satisfaction of seeing how much they hurt me. I'm so happy that she has gotten help and shared her story, it shows how strong she is not only for going through what she did and surviving, but for getting help, and for sharing in front of a group of people and by doing so helping others. I know she'll go on to do great things in life. Best wishes to her, and to the other young girl who sang so beautifully such strong songs.

Thank you to all who spoke. And Thank you to all who came out.

The theme of the night was Start a Ripple, Create a Wave. I really think that Victems Intervention Program (VIP) accomplished that last night. And I hope that everyone who was there took it home with them and that we can all start a ripple in our own comunities and in turn create a wave across the state, country, and world!

My Speech for Take Back The Night 2013

April is here!  With it hoping to bring a warm spring, nice weather, and a time for healing.  Also April bring sexual assault awareness and Take Back The Night.  I'm speaking this year again so thought I'd share my speech with you...


Hey everyone - I have to tell you, every year I get to speak at Take Back the Night I always try to be inspiring - at least I hope that I am. I realize that tonight can be very heavy - hearing other people's stories, looking at the shirts people have made, all the emotions, and even the topic is hard to talk about and listen to. Last year after leaving here I looked at my daughter and realized that when I was her age (3) I was already a victem. I cried. I know it happened to me but seeing my bright eyed, smiling, playful girl without a worry in the world - all I could think of was "how the hell does someone look at a child like that and have any sexual thoughts!?" And I cried even more because she's so innocent and the thought of someone hurting her kills me. Even tho I was molested as a child that young up though my teen years I still can't get my head around how someone could do such things to someone so innocent.

That is what tonight is all about - realizing that these things happen - and talking about it. It's also why tonight can be so heavy and hard to talk about, but it's why we have to - to raise awareness about what happened to us, or to someone we know, and to give each other support. Last year I realized that this is really important and we should do more, more often whenever we can to raise awareness, and to support each other - so I started a blog about overcoming my past called "Overcoming a Bad Past".

Before going on I'd like to tell you more about me and my story, and then maybe you'll understand why this night is so important to me...This month I'll be a 25 year old mother of 2, and was so lucky to have met a wonderful man 7years ago who became my husband and my strongest support person for all my flash backs and hard times. My life while it's not perfect it really is a fairy tale for me having all these wonderful people in my life including my family who never turned their backs on me when I was going through so much. I was molested by my own father, yes, this world has some very sick people in it, as I said earlier I can't get my head around the idea of someone touching a child so young in such a way but yes my biological father did this to me, it's something I will never understand. By the time I entered first grade that was over. Unfortantly that's not where my story ends...he's parents were given coustidy of me. My grandfather then started the touching, and I was too scared to get help until after I had moved out at the age of 17 and finally told the lady from VIP who I was already talking to what I had gone through and kept secrete for so long.

I speak at Take Back the Night, write my blog, and share my story in hopes that by shareing I'll inspire more people to share their stories or read a pome, sing a song or do whatever to get their feelings out weather about themselfs or someone they know. And by doing this we'll raise more awareness and one day hopefully put an end to sexual assault. So please if you're a suvivor or know one think about speaking. I know for me the more I speak about my past and talk at TBTN the more strength it gives me, my voice is like my superpower. If you have stage fright (which I battle each year) or don't want people to know who you are (which is understandable, I've been there too) you can always write up what you have to say and give it to someone at VIP for them to read for you. Which I had to do this year incase I couldn't make it here tonight as I'm due any day with my second child or just had her, either way I wanted my speech out there so weather I'm speaking or one of the wonderful lady friends I've made through VIP is reading this, it's getting told. And thank you Michelle and Denise for going through this effort of reading this, emails, and having this on hand incase I'm unable to make it :) I know they are happy to read what you have to say, if you want, on your behalf. Not only do we gain strength by speaking out but we also gain power with the more people who hear our stories and realize how big of a reality sexual assault is - so for everyone that's here tonight, please come back next year and ask just 1 friend to come with you. Tonight when you go home think about shareing what you heard with your friends or family and talk to them about everything.

If you are a victem or have been a victem and need someone to talk to or need help, please go to VIP and get it. I know from talking to them myself how much of a help they are! I offer my blog to everyone but that's just my experience and thoughts about anything realted to overcoming my past, I am not an expert and I can't help like VIP does, I just offer this as something uplifting to read if you so chose. I really hope that my blog helps, but that if you need help and someone to talk to that you will contact VIP.

"Not asking for it!" ... No means NO!

I saw this image first on facebook and I had to share it, then find the STFU blog where it was published and check it out there, but I had to share it on here.


 Now the story behind this is that on the blog someone made a comment and I quote, "... its kind of like putting a meat suit on and telling a shark not to eat you"
I love how STFU replies to this guy (or I assume it's a guy) and I'm stealing their quote again "
"We (men) are not fucking sharks!
We are not rabid animals living off of pure instinct
We are capable of rational thinking and understanding. 
Just because someone is cooking food doesn’t mean you’re entitled to eat it. 
Just because a banker is counting money doesn’t mean you’re being given free money.
Just because a person is naked doesn’t mean you’re entitled to fuck them. 
You are not entitled to someone else’s body just because it’s exposed. 
What is so fucking difficult about this concept?"

This photo and story has been shared on facebook over 10,000 times!  I love that people are getting the word out there that no matter what a person looks like or what they are wearing that they aren't "asking for it."  It doesn't matter weather they are a hooker or a librarian if they say "no" it means NO.  I love how stfu worded their reply telling everyone that it's just like everything else in life, you're not entitled to it even if it's right in front of you.

I've always lived wearing what I want to wear, I love the human body and think it's beautiful so why not show it off?  I think it's completely natural to want to be naked and to be naked because that's how we were put on the Earth and how we're born.  We began to cover ourselves for protection against natural elements like the sun, bugs, the cold, not so that we're conseled from other people taking what they want from our bodies. 

I know people who think you should dress very modestly because if you don't then you're "asking for it" or as some others say your bringing out temtation in men.  I'm sorry but this is not true!  I know I've been there.  Yes when you have on less clothing it's easier for men to want you and find you attractive but a man should be able to controll his wants, and as stfu said "We are not rabid animals living off of pure instinct"  Yes when I wear less clothing I'm wearing it because I think my body looks great and that it's beautiful, the way God (or whoever/whatever you want to believe in) created me, and that it's fine for other people to look and like "the view" but it's not saying "I want to have sex with everyone" or giving anyone permission to touch me.  As for the part that dressing modestly will save you from rape, or others will be too tempted, like I said I've been there and it's not true.  In almost all cases rape, and sexual assault isn't about sex it's about power over another person.  I've lived in a house where I was forced to undress and be touched against my will until I was almost 17.  It didn't matter weather it was the dead of winter when I dressed warm or if it was summer and I had on a 2 piece bathing suit, it didn't stop him from touching me or having me undress.  I disagree with anyone who says that less clothing is more provoking...or that your asking for it.  No matter how much you cover up you can still be a victem.

No one "asks" for harm to come to them.  It doesn't matter how they are dressed.  I think that people should have self control!!  Men may find a woman attractive but it does not mean they have the right to touch them in any way. 

When I look back...

I saw this on a facebook post and had to share it with you.  I know from personal experience when you're living in an abusive house that if feels like things will never get better and that the future is so far away, but know that one day you will be out and living better and will look back and this will be you.

Please if you are in an abusive home or need help seek it, it's out there, talk to your guidance councler in school, a close friend, or Victims' Intervention Program or any other service that there is in your area.

This quote means so much to mean because I can now do it.  I've lived my hell being abused my my biological father, and grandparents on that side.  I managed to move out and go out with my life, and even my hard days now are nothing compared to my past.  I may not be exactly where I want to be in life but I know that I'm safe and that no one will touch me in a way I don't want to be touched today, or tomorrow, or any other day, at least not in my home.  When I was in school I never thought I'd see that day.  I was terrified about telling someone about my abuse and being believed, and to be honest it was a very hard thing to do.  I finally did get out of that home, and while part of me was broken and damaged the part that has flash backs and gets depressed every once in a while over the thoughts of the past, I have become stronger and managed to rise up and say this is my story and this is what happened.  I have found people who don't drag you down and who love and support you and raise you up, for me those people are my loving husband (never thought I'd have one of them), my family who took me in after I told them what happened and made me feel safe and took care of me, my friends who didn't turn their backs on me and told me that everything would be OK, my counclers who listened to me and helped me in every way they could, and all the people who are just there not saying anything but always there as a rock for me.

I will tell you that my life right now isn't a fairy tale happily ever after, but in some ways it is to me.  Right now I'm not making the amount of money my family needs, we are renting and we wish that we owned a home, let's just say that there's a lot that we could change to the better still but I still feel like Cinderella after she puts on the shoe and goes on to live her happily ever after with Prince Charming.  I get to smile every day that I overcame the my past and I know that I will get to go on and keep bettering my life and think everyday that at least I'm not going through what I had gone through all through my school years.  I can't believe how great my life is sometimes compared to how shitty it had once been. 

I really hope that you all read this quote in the image and think the same thing that you can smile at how far you've come and how you've overcome the people in your past who have tried to bring you down.