Embrace Your Voice: TBTN 2018

Take Back The Night is a powerful night that I'm mentioned in my blog before.  It's a night of healing, empowerment, sharing pain and sharing hope.  Every year the survivors get up and share their stories.  This year there was no keynote speaker, it was a night this year of just our stories.  There were women who got up in front of the crowd and shared for the first time of rape, molestation, domestic violence, pain, fear, and shame they were made to feel, and secrets they were told to keep.  Each of these speakers got up and ended their speech on such a strong and powerful note of hope, hope for others for healing, hope for others to get help, hope for a future starting today of no more shame on the victim.   I loved how each person gave the next hope.  That is what embracing your voice is about.

So now I'll share with you what I said... In purple I'm going to add some after thought notes just for those who are reading this and like it's my own journal what I would say:

I have these memories that I haven't shared. They are things I've kept bottled up because it's too hard to admit it happened.  But these memories I haven't shared, they come back to me vividly.  I think to myself , I was so young and there are so many things from my childhood I don't remember, how can I remember these things?  Why?  Why have they stayed in my mind when I don't want them there?

I remember a knock at the door, my father rushing me out of his bed and into the bathroom to hide.  "Shh, don't make a sound," and he left me to put back on my nightgown and stand there until he came back. He told me how no one could know about our special time.

I haven't shared that before.  I'm not sure if that's the first time I was told not to tell anyone but it's the earliest memory I have of being told not to say anything.  

When you're abused at a very young age you are taught that you have no voice.  Of course I wasn't mute, I spoke.  Just I knew, or rather was told - never to speak of the bad things.

At the age of 6 I told my great grandma what happened.  Not meaning to.  It was in a way only an innocent child could confess anything.  I remember drying off after a bath and saying, "Don't worry about the red there, it's probably just from when daddy touches me there.  He puts his thingie in my thing."

My life changed that night and I remember feeling guilty for tearing my family apart.  Things would never be the same again and it was my fault, because I said something.

Years later, many years later I'll realize how it wasn't my fault and how my family was already broken before I told everyone what happened.  Until I would realize this however, I'd carry the weight of that with me.  The kids at school asking why I lived with my grandparents, when it was time to tell about your family and I wouldn't say anything about a father.  "What about your dad?"  Kids would ask.

Which brings me to my next lesson of not speaking.  I didn't want to talk to others about what had happened, why I was different than the other kids, so I didn't.  Not until I was in 6th grade.  When I was making a friend and I told her why I didn't have a father; she told me about why she didn't too.  It was the first time someone had told me they had gone through much the same thing.  I was feeling a lot better knowing I wasn't the only one.  Until I got back home.  At this point in my life I was living with my paternal grandparents - the same ones who's son molested me.  The girl I confided in talked to her mom who talked to my grandparents who then had a talk to me.

  "Why would you share that info?  It's in the past.  You're not hurt!  Other kids will find out and you wouldn't want them to know.  She's probably going to go tell all the kids at school now what happened to you and you'll be the kid no one wants to be around."

At this point in school I already felt different than other kids.  I was a tomboy, didn't have many if any girl friends.  I was a loner, before I even knew what a loner was.  Now I felt for sure like everyone would know that I was dirty and something was wrong with me.

That was the last time I talked openly to anyone about what I'd gone through, for a couple years.  In high school I'd start getting counseling, discretely, in school.  I still didn't open up a whole lot.

My entire life, the only people who reacted poorly to my story - who told me to keep quiet, were my abusers.  I can say I am lucky for this, because I know there is a ton of victim blaming out there. -All I can say to those who make the victim feel bad for what happened, is shame on you for your lack of compassion and for digging at a wound of someone who is already hurt.  It is never the victim's fault! Everyone, EVERYONE, has the right to say NO!

I remember being questioned that..."Did you say no?" when I was making my report about my grandfather, once I finally admitted that Rick wasn't the only one to touch me. 

I went through puberty,  he'd measure my breast, teach me how to groom.  I don't remember if I said no at first, I doubt it.  No wasn't something we were allowed to say in that house.  I was uncomfortable as I grew and was made to undress.
He'd say "Let me play with your boobs if you want to go to the school dance."
"No"
"Why not?  Don't you want to go?"
"Well yeah"
 "Well then, it's not hurting anyone. Make an old man happy."

I was afraid of him too.  I'm not the only one he intimidated. I know he's made other adults cry at playing cards.  You didn't tell him no.  Over the years I would try to find a way to say no.  But I had no voice. Not in that house. Hell I didn't even have a voice when I had told my talked to Children and Youth and they said they needed to question me inside that house and as long as I told them I didn't feel safe they'd take me out...but I couldn't find my voice in front of Jen and Jim.  Twice I sat there and denied everything.  Of course this is before I confessed about Jim also being an abuser.  I was told after that had I talked about that it would have sped up the process of my getting out of that house.

From all my years of not being allowed to talk about my abuse, not standing up for myself, it took me a while to find my voice.  When I found out this years theme was Embrace Your Voice, it made me so happy.  I love the theme.  That is something I have done.  It's a very important step for all survivors to take, to embrace our voice and know that our abusers don't have the power to keep us silent.

I found my voice because of all the people who helped me heal.  Every person who I shared a part of my story with and I wasn't labeled or outcast-ed, I found my voice at Take Back The Night, each year as hard as it is to relive my past I've buried and to open up to a room full of people - most of which are strangers, I embrace my voice I found. I heal more. I gain my power back.  I am powerful with my voice.  I am not afraid to share my story; I use my voice to raise awareness.

Why is this night important?  Why are we saying "Embrace Your Voice"?
                                                 To Heal, Empower, and Educate

1. Tonight we heal, we are in a safe and supporting environment to listen to each other, share, and know we have help.
2. Empower.  We empower each other.  The people you brought with you cheer you one. We all cheer for you, and people you don't know come up at the end of the event and say "Good job" and Thank you for sharing. It takes a lot of courage to open up. Then to open up to a room full of people it takes even more, add to it how intimate this topic is and a microphone - yup You are strong!  We are here to empower each person that speaks.  And personally by telling my story I feel I give myself power back.  They don't have the power to keep me silent any more!
• There is another group we are empowering here tonight - the kids.  I was nervous the first few times bringing my daughters to Take Back the Night.  They shouldn't know about abuse. As parents we want to protect them from all the bad.  I've brought my girls with me almost every year I've spoken since they've been born.  There have been a couple years I'd have a sitter but they are usually here.  This year my oldest had a school concert tonight.  It fell on the same night, same time.  I asked her about the concert and told her it was the same night as that thing I spoke at last year.  You know what she said?  "Mommy you can listen to me sing anytime!  I want to go to your event."  Damn my kids are amazing.  Then a couple nights ago she asked if that same lady from last year would be speaking, "she had a sad story, a lot of bad things happened to her, that's sad, but she was so strong I like her."  I thought about it and I think I made the right choice in bringing them with me.  I am surrounding them with strong, powerful women.  We are empowering the next generation with our stories and knowledge that they will grow to know that these things happen but that we don't let them control us. That we say No, that we have a voice, and that there is always help.
3. Educate.  I have learned so much here over the years.  I have taken that knowledge each year and shared it with others.  And again I will point to our children, the ones that are here and the ones that we are around day to day, we need to educate them, and we are.  By embracing our voice and telling them about body safety.  We will raise boys that will become respectful men. We will raise strong girls who will grow to become respectful women who will know their worth, and not let anyone tell them different.  

To each of you sharing tonight (or any day) - come up here with your head held high, and embrace your voice.  When you leave here, keep your voice and use it!  We are listening.  We believe you!  And those who feel they have no voice - who are still in their cycle of abuse - who are afraid - who feel that they are alone - They all need your voice.  And I want them to know that they aren't alone, that it's not their fault, and that there is help.

So I'm going to ask you:

Are you ready to listen? 

Are you ready to stand up and say that sexual assault is a real issue?

Are you ready to embrace your voice?

Are you ready to cheer on each of these speakers?

I hope that this helps someone.  Yes, I speak each year because I take power back for myself by not keeping silent and living in fear of my abusers, but I share at TBTN and online in hopes that my story and links I share will help someone else.  There is help, and it's never too late to get help.  So I will leave you with some links and phone numbers that you can use or pass on to someone else.

Support for Survivors in PA

About the National Sexual Assault Hotline

 800.656.HOPE (4673)

Bad Days and taking the Power Back

We all have our bad days.  We have days when nothing seems to be going right, we have days where we are just depressed, and then sometimes we have a great start to our day and something happens and it ruins our mood.

Today, was one of the those days, a day I've been looking forward to and super excited about, had a great morning, and then someone said something and it got in my head and ruined that good mood I had.  Since then I allowed myself a breakdown and have been working on building up and getting my power back.

Let me share with you the whole story:

I jumped out of bed this morning, I've been busy all month long but I was looking forward to today!  My oldest went off to school while my little one and I got loaded up and went to the library, we met an author and had some really good conversations.
On my way home, I stopped to get gas and was approached by someone I had recently met while with my husband.  He came up to me with a wave and asked me what my first name was again. So I told him my first name, maybe people don't remember it or have a hard time processing that that's a real name.  Anyway he goes on and says "I thought I knew you from somewhere else did you grow up in Greentown?"
Close enough, my high school covered a large area so yeah I knew people from there even tho I lived about 40 minutes or so from there.  "Hawley area." I responded
"Oh your dad is Big Rick then?"
As you know from my post Names that his name is Rick so I responded with, "Yeah, I guess."
"He's a big guy." he goes on to puff out his arms to show large.
"I don't really know, he went to jail and I don't know him." I said.  I figured that was the easiest way out of this conversation I didn't want to be in any longer.  I don't know why I didn't just say "He's a convicted child molester so since he abused me I don't know him and don't want to associate with anyone who does.  Maybe it's because I was uncomfortable, I didn't know this person, and for all I know he could be thinking of someone else.
"Oh well my wife was so-and-so, You had a sister right?"
"I'm sorry I don't know, and I don't think so, but I gotta get going."

I drove off shaken.  It was such a odd conversation and make me feel so weird.  I continued on in a foggy mind of my own and then went home where I made lunch and finally confronted my issues and cried.  Now I'm writing my issues out...

I hate that I let that conversion affect me.  I hate that thinking about my abuse and abuser still sends fear, and a feeling of powerlessness over me.  What bothered me the most, I realized is that Rick is out there and doesn't have to be labeled, people can meet him and not know what is he or what he's done, that for all I know hell I could have a sister.  I sure as hell hope that's not the case, and I doubt it is, but that thought scares me.

I was mad that someone could talk about Rick (my abuser) like he was a normal person.  I feel that way a lot.  I've had people mention Jen and Jim to me before.  These people don't really know me and I always feel awkward.   I've even once had someone ask me how they were.
 I think that this feeling of anger and awkwardness at the mention of our abusers and hearing people talk about them as people is something that is common to us survivors.  We don't view them as people anymore.  Myself I wish they were gone, or that people saw them through my eyes.  I have mentioned before that I wish all pedophiles and rapist had to wear a label so they were dehumanized.  This might seem wrong, but in our shoes these people have failed at being a person.  They have failed those who had laid trust in their hands, they have failed at treating others as people.  We had become objects to them, objects they used and abused.  They made us feel like we were less than others therefore we (I) want them to feel that way and be viewed as such.  The problem with this is that as awful as their actions are/were they are still people, they are someone's brother (or sister- I think we forget that women can be abusers) they are were someone's friend, spouse, member of the church, they were/are someone who was/is known in the community, they are/were someone's son/daughter.

To show this I will use my own story, one that was told to me....
My Uncle and I had a couple heart to heat moments when he lived across the street from me when I lived with Jen and Jim.  I loved him, for all his flaws and troubles he had, I loved him.  I loved him because he didn't hold back from me when we were hanging out, he talked to me not as a child to be sheltered but as a person.  He is the one that told me when Rick was back around our farm, and told me that that was why sometimes Jen would do the chores for me.  He had my respect for having told me this info that I wasn't to know.  He made me aware of a situation, I kept my eyes open, I had trouble sleeping at night, but I knew.  Anyway back to his story...
He told me of the night he learned about what had happened to me.  "Rick told me that you had been touched and there was an investigation.  I grabbed my gun and said 'Let's go kill this guy' and started to head out for the truck, when Rick stopped him and said "That guy is me."  Rick was his brother.  He said he and thought about shooting him, even started to raise the gun.  But he couldn't.  He told me it messed with his head.  He dropped out (or failed) college and got even heaver into drugs then he had been. 

Rick had been a brother, a son, a business partner, and known in the community.  I've shared before how Jen blamed and viewed me as the person who's fault it was that her son went to jail.

Anyway back to my story today....With all these thoughts in my mind I was a bit of a mess.  Then I thought to a workshop I'd recently went to that was Taking Back Your Power, this workshop was not at all dealing with sexual abuse or anything of the sort.  It was breathing and taking back your classroom of those students who have negative behavior and changing to positive.  During this workshop the instructor told us how our past experiences reflect onto words others say so we make those words have different meanings than they have.  His theory is "No one can make you upset; you choice to be upset."  I did not like this theory.  As much as I didn't like this theory I kept thinking about it today... I let this ONE thing effect my whole day.  I was in a GREAT mood before, then from that one conversation my mind went to the negative and settled there.  I LET my mood and day be altered.  So I started to re think the conversation, that guy I don't know, probably doesn't know me.  Rick is a common name, he could have been thinking of someone totally different.  Because of my bad experience I related my experience to the words he was saying and they very well could have had not a damn thing to do with me.  Also I had just stepped back into victim, I felt powerless.  I am not powerless, I am in charge of my life, and I take my power back every time I speak out against abuse, each time I tell someone you are not alone, and I take a hell of a lot of power back when I speak and share my story.  They can't keep you down when you don't keep quiet.  I could have switched that whole conversation around by saying "Richard Davis?  He is a convicted child molester, and of no relation to me, (say that because I don't want to be related, we can't chose biology but we can chose who we claim) and if you are friends with him you can get the hell away from me because someone who takes advantage of children is no longer a person in my eyes."  Had I approached the question from that direction it would have cleared up exactly who he was talking about and given me all the power making known what Rick did and the type of "person" he is.

So I started to think about that...then from the same instructor I did some breathing and decided that nothing about me changed today...I was doing great, so now I needed to work through this and move on.  I thought it over, I could have said "no" when I was asked about "my dad" because I don't have one, Rick is dead to me, while he isn't in reality I have moved on and I have a good life. 

So for anyone who is having a bad day allow yourself to have a break down, we all need to yell, vent, and cry at times.  We also need to laugh, smile, and enjoy life.  So we need to go from break down to moving forward...
1. acknowledge how you are feeling, and why
2. let it out (yell, cry, vent, write, whatever it is that is going to get it all out of you)
3. breath (I will post some links at the bottom if you're interested in focused breathing)
4. acknowledge the positive in your life (make a list if you want)
5. go do something that will make you feel more like you and start feeling better
6. one foot in front of the other, from doing that one thing in step 5, do another or something that is on your to-do list

I wish you all healing.

Some links you might find of interest:
The instructor that I mentioned above, he did 2 amazing workshops which I learned a ton from, about breathing, movement, and he has a Breaking the Bullying Circle which is important, for more info about him and his programs visit: www.ronspeak.com

Take deep belly breathing breaths with this video to help calm and center yourself

Journal page to help you recognize the good stuff

One small thing...to make a difference

I was thinking about my last post...Help Raise Awareness and I thought of one small thing everyone can do to make a difference, to raise awareness, to help someone.

Right now there is a child who is afraid to go home, of what awaits them there, will they be able to sleep tonight without being woken or touched?
There is a girl who is afraid of telling anyone that she was raped...
There is a boy who is struggling to get help because no one talks about how sexual assault can happen to boys as well....
Right now there is someone who is thinking about killing themselves because of what has happened to them
Right now someone is trying to drink away their pain, someone else is using a needle to try to escape reality
Right now there is so many suffering from past abuses, because it's hard to talk about, it's hard to admit what happened
Right now there are so many who are suffering abuse....

YOU can help them!
It's a small thing that I ask....but I think it can make a difference.

Change your profile photos and flood social medias with a post, image, quote saying "you are not alone"

You can take your own, use one of mine below, or search the web for something else...

I will take more and share them on here.  I will also be posting on Instagram and Tumblr.   

Let us see how many people we can reach!

One small change for the next 48 hours.... we can make a difference!!

Help Raise Awareness

April is almost over....April is Sexual assault awareness month and Child abuse awareness month

It makes since to me that they are both in April as they go hand in hand.  No all, but a lot of sexual abuse happens at such young ages.

It's sad and it's scary.

I saw this post above on Instagram....the numbers are sad.  Why are there so few arrests?  Every case should end in justice!

What have you done this month to raise awareness???

These numbers need to change!  We need to act!  Yes, it's not something we want to be reminded of, and it's not what we want to look at, but it's a horrible part of this world! and we need to do something to raise awareness and HELP!!

I speak at Take Back the Night on Wednesday....it will be my 10th year.  I will be posting my speech on here...This is what I do each April.  And year round I post my blog (not often enough but when I have something to share) and now I'm on Tumblr as well and I post (reblog) a lot on there... These are the things I do.  I also offer an ear and support to others.  If you need help, I'm not a councler but I'll listen.

I challenge each of you....find a way to act now!  Sexual abuse isn't something easily seen....it's not leaving a black eye, it makes it hard to "see"  which makes it hard to fight.... but we can!

Post info, be a friend, be a support, post inspiration,...I'm sure there's more things.  volunteer,... find your own way. but please do something to help with these numbers!!!

Fight for justice, we don't want child molesters anywhere near our kids

Self Harm - do this instead

I saw this post on facebook and had to share!  I use to burn myself, cut sometimes but never deep, I was numb to life and the pain of it was a release for me a release of anger and hurt.  I really hope this helps someone.  Keep your head up, Stay Strong, it takes time but life will get better, and please seek help if you need it!!

Be a Voice

I was asked if I could come up with a flyer asking people to speak at Take Back The Night, I was honored to be asked to do this, and at the same time wondering How am I to fit everything I want to say onto one flyer??  I like to try to explain everything.  So I figured why not write out my reasons and ways that you can Speak/Share/Be a voice at Take Back The Night on here?

Here is a rough draft of a flyer I made and I'll go into detail after it (remember I did say ROUGH draft, there are spelling errors and it's not clean and neat)

*  A safe environment:  That's an understatement!  Take Back The Night isn't only safe but also supportive.  Everyone there is either a survivor, or someone supporting survivors.  You won't ever get a better group of people to stand in front of and express yourself.

*  Hope, Inspire, Encourage, Lift, these are all things that you will be giving other people in the crowd.  Hope that life will get better, that there is help out there, and hope for a brighter future.  You're going to Inspire others to share, and to get help.  Encourage....it's the same thing as inspire, but more than that you're going to have a sense of encouragement after speaking out and sharing.  And Lift...You will lift people up.  Yes, your story could be dark and hard, but seeing that you survived and are taking a stand you will lift everyone up that there is hope.

*  Heal and Share  That's what the night is about, healing through sharing.   It's a very healing night.

*  #SurvivorCommunity  this is a night when survivors, victims, and those who support us get together.

*  Yell. Cry. Whisper. Cheer. Talk.  It doesn't matter how it comes out, let it out. Yell if you're mad, let the people at the end of town hear your strong voice taking a stand.  Cry, let the tears roll, sob, because we know that it hurts, that the abuse you faced is painful and scary and how could that happen? Cry, you won't be the only one to do so! Cry and there will be other tears falling.  Whisper, mumble, stutter... public speaking is a fear of many, you don't have to be perfect here, once you get started letting it out it comes easier.  Cheer, you survived and fought to be the strong person you are today after being torn down, Cheer and let the world know that you are brave and strong after facing such darkness.  Just talk, everyone there is listening to what you have to say.

*  Sing. Poems. Art. Stories. Dance.  I've seen people get up and tell their story and let their voice be heard in all these ways (except dance...I haven't seen that but dance is a form of expression and would be awesome!)  You don't have to write something long like I do, I've seen people sing a song of healing, rap about their pain and anger and how they got out, read a poem they wrote about hurting themselves and getting help.  There's not wrong way to share.

*  Strength.  This word has a double meaning.  You are already Strong! You've gone through hell, and here you are, sharing, and you have great strength to go through it all and to open up about it.  Also you are giving others Strength. This ties right back into the hope, life, inspire part, you telling your story is giving a victim strength to get help, it's giving a person in the crowd strength to get up after you and tell their story, and it's giving someone the strength to talk next year.

*  #youarenotalone You are telling your story so that others know that they are not alone.  It's the worst thought and feeling to think that you are the only one who has been hurt in this way.  We need to share our story so that more people share and no victim of abuse will feel like they are alone, we need to share so that they get our strength to seek help and pass on the word to others that we know how they feel.

*  Let it out.  Let emotion take over, and let it out.

*  #TellMyStoryMyWay  as I said above there is no wrong way of telling your story, do whatever you feel, and how you feel comfortable sharing.

*  Unique.  Each and every one of us is unique.  We all have our own story to tell, some might be similar, like I'm not the only girl to be molested by her grandfather (I'm sure I'm not the only one who's biological father molested her either)  but we are each unique.  The process that we have healed, the way we have overcome the abuse, and the people we are, all of that is unique to us.  The way we chose to express ourselves is unique.  Don't feel that you have to fit into any mold, express your story your way!!

*  Silent NO Longer  and  I will Not be quiet both of these have the same message, I don't think I need to explain how I was told (and most victims) to not tell anyone what was happening, and that I wouldn't be socially accepted if I did tell.  I'm here to say, that my voice will be heard! I was silent long enough, kept my secrets, and we shouldn't have to!

*  I am Not ashamed, my abuser should be shamed.   Victims often feel shamed of the abuse they went through (I know I did) but that's not right!  We should not feel shame for what happened to us!  Our abusers, they should be publicly shamed, and everyone should know who hurt them!

*  #EndAbuse  and #RaiseAwareness this is our goal each year, we want to End abuse by raising awareness.  You can help us do that!


BE A VOICE!!  Take Back The Night happens nation wide, usually in April, find your local TBTN and find out how you can Be a Voice and share!  Please join us and let's accomplish our goal #EndAbuse

I should also note that it's not just for survivors, but those who love(d) a victim.  There are sadly those who have died. and if you want to share their story and your pain, I've seen people do that.  Talk to someone about sharing.



***Update***
Final flyer made thought I'd share it:

Others who are speaking out

As I hope you know by now, my blog here is to help other victims, and survivors of abuse.  I want to raise awareness and help others.  This blog is my own way of healing, it's therapy for me, but I've been finding more inspiration, hope, encouraging words and seeing other people's stories now and I'm so happy that other's are sharing, that they are always out to help support survivors and encourage victims to get help and that there is a brighter future.  I want to share with you links to these pages and I hope that they all help you!

A wonderful person to follow on Instagram, she's such an inspiring and intelligent young woman and is always posting something about awareness, something to inspire and lift, and shares her story.  I love following her and seeing the great work she does.  Check out her Instagram and follow her here: http://instagram.com/nomoresexualassault/

***Note to @nomoresexualassault Thank you so much for all you've been doing <3 Keep up the great work!!

There are many others on Instagram also working to raise awareness here are a couple more that I follow and think are so great (I'm sure there are many more that I don't know about yet...please comment them below so that I can follow them)

http://instagram.com/themotivatedmother  Thank you for your wonderful post, they are so powerful!  

http://instagram.com/mettlechild   There's only 6 post on this page, but I'm hoping for more and I think they will do great things!

http://instagram.com/ladyvivienrose  Thank you.  There's some strong images and quotes on LadyVivenRose's instagram, wonderful job!!

This next website had an ad in this year's Superbowl! I thought it was great! I just found their page thanks to the instagram and they have a great message about speaking out and ending abuse http://nomore.org/

Here is a website and blog where this woman shares how she Overcame Sexual Abuse, very inspiring and powerful, if you need more reason to check out this site she has a badge on there of being one of the 2013 Top Ten Abuse Survivor Sites by GoodThreapy.Org  http://overcomingsexualabuse.com/

http://survivorstothrivers.com/  This is such a wonderful site!  It has something for everyone who needs support, encouragement, inspiration, facts.  This is one you will want to bookmark!

As always I find a lot of positive messages, quotes, images, and inspiration from Pinterest

I hope this helps and that you all check out the links I gave you.  Feel free to comment more or send me a private email with the link  mystory2share2@gmail.com


More to Follow on Instagram:
ambertheactivist
andthenshespokeup
casacgs
poeticchurch
WC_Respect
projectemancipation

(sorry I didn't put links to them in but they should come up in "search"

For your bad days

Everyone has bad days...those days when you're mind is in a dark place, when you can't push the thoughts away, when you feel like you're falling apart and the pieces will leave scares for all to notice.
I can't fix this, no one can take the memories away, but I saw this on nomoresexualassault Instagram and I hope that it helps.

On those bad days, when you feel lost and alone, pull this up and know that you are not alone.  There are so many others out there that know how you feel that have been in your shoes, and there are a lot out there suffering in silence.
Let's break that silence.  Share this image with everyone so that they know that they are not alone.

Things will get better.  Life does get better.  There is GOOD in this world.

Please seek help if you need it!!

And if you're sharing your story, and posting quotes and images like this one...THANK YOU!  Thank you so much for all that you're doing to help victims and survivors and raising awareness.  You are truly a ray of sunlight with the word hope in it, you brighten the dark places, ease some of the pain.  You are inspiring, and strong, and helping more than we could tell you.

Sex Trafficking...

On January 23 I wrote asking you if you could to tune it to watch Nightline.  Sadly I'm far from perfect and fell asleep by 10:30 and never caught the show but I've finally gotten to watch the full episode online and have done some research....

It's really sad the ugly scene that was shown that is happening all over America (and not just here but world wide) that young girls who feel so alone or just want to feel special fall victim to sex trafficking.

I've always stood against prostitution....I'm a germ-a-phobe I couldn't and can't understand how someone would pay money to have sex with someone who just had sex with who knows how many guys before you?  It's a quick way to catch an STD if you ask me.

After watching the Nightline special and looking at some other stats and pages I really feel bad for these girls.  They are picked up young at a vulnerable age when they are trying to escape their abuse, foster care, are homeless, or just looking for attention.  They are promised things that they want.  Last year at TBTN they talked about girls getting picked up because the "pimps" would pose as a boyfriend buying the girl pretty things and then slowly after having the girl feel like they were in love then they would turn the tables and the relationship would change to one of abuse, and how the guy needed money so the he'd find ways for the girl to earn money for him.

You can find a lot of info in the links below but I'd like to highlight a few facts for you.

The average age girls are corrupted into sex trafficking is between 12-14

Women are forced to sleep with anywhere between 20-40 different people per day

Victims of sex trafficking are the same as victims of sexual abuse (most have a history of abuse in some form) and don't think of themselves as victims, lack trust and don't seek help.  (For more about this check Myths & Misconceptions)

The pimps picking up these girls are smooth talkers who know what to say and promise the girls to make them go with them.

Young girls and women are NOT the only ones who are picked up and used, young boys can be as well.  Let us not forget this.

As a mother myself I'm terrified of losing my girls, I'm very protective of them.  I don't want them to go through what I did and I don't want them to run away and fall victim to this ugly scene of sex trafficking.

Here are some links for you to watch, read, and learn more info about sex trafficking.
(again) the episode of Nightline with Diane Swayer
A Path Appears
Enslaved in America: Sex Trafficking in the United States  An Essay By Tina Frundt
What Modern Day Slavery Looks like in America by Business Insider
Sex Trafficking Statistics from the Covering House
The FBI website about Human Trafficking
National Human Trafficking Resource Center


Now with all those scary stats and stories and info in our face...I first want to thank everyone who shared their story and took a stand, and to everyone who is working to bring light to this and shove it in the public's faces.  It takes a lot of courage to share your story and start life over again, and it takes a lot of people knowing about something to put an end to it.

With that it then brings up the question of how to end this?  I think the documentary A Path Appears is on the right path, that there is a solution to all these huge problems that they discuss we as the public as a nation just have to care enough to stand up and figure it out.

Personally (again I'm no expert) but what I think....we have to prevent these girls from falling victim.  They said most come from broken homes or foster care....I don't know how to end that....but we somehow have to make sure young women know that they can become anything that they are loved, to love themselves first, and that there is a good future ahead if you work hard towards it.
Love is a powerful tool.  The promise of love can make someone do crazy things....what if they already know love before they feel the need to go out and find it?  I Love You.  Three simple words, every parent should tell their kids, let them know that no matter what they do you will always love them.
I think this is a good start.
I also think that men should wake up and stop buying sex. Really guys do you not worry about STDs? Are you not grossed out by the thought of how many other guys have been there before?  Are you not disgusted with yourself for paying for sex?
Just like in every other aspect of sales it's supply and demand....the demand is what drives everything.  If there is no demand then there is no sale....what if men stop the demand?  Then there will be no need for prostitution.
What if there was an ad on a billboard or TV that showed a picture of a girl at age 5, then again at 13 then again at 25 and the caption read, "she's your little girl how would you feel if she was taken and sold for sex?" would guys be so quick to buy it then?


I really don't like that I sound like a man hater here...I am not.  I love my husband and I know that not all men are like this...but there is enough men buying sex that prostitution is still going on today.  I also know that men can be victims of abuse as well...I'm not here to attack anyone I just want to raise awareness and end all forms of abuse....and sex trafficking is abuse.

In the News TONIGHT!!

I never did get the chance to post a blog about sex trafficking like I had said I would last year.  I am sorry (I was without internet or a computer) but now that I'm back I want to share what I saw an ad for this morning on Good Morning America...

Diane Sawyer is doing a special about exposing how sex trafficking is happening here in America, young girls are being picked up and sold and used, here in our country.  Last year I learned that it's happening in small towns too not just big cities.

Image taken from Google Images.  Image credit will go to this site that it was credited on on Google

Tune in tonight to watch the specials 

First up World News Tonight will air a clip

Then watch the full report with Diane Sawyer on Nightline tonight at 12:35 AM ET (that would be 9:30 PM PT)

And they said they will be airing a clip on Good Morning America Monday morning.

Links:
What is Sex Trafficking?
About the Special report with Diane Sawyer on Sex Trafficking
Facts and Questions on Sex Trafficking
National Slavery and Human Trafficking Prevention Month 2015

Support the victims and survivors (views on how society reacts)

I watch The View often and they've been talk a lot about "the Bill Cosby allegations" and how terrible it is for him to be accused of rape and how what if it's true and what if it's not.  I have to do a shout out to Rosie O - She's doing a great job talking and advocating for victims of sexual abuse - THANK YOU!!  She's handing out facts and I really want to applaud her for that.

I am really upset with the whole "I don't think he really did it," "The women are lieing," "I need proof,: and all that crap!  All those quotes and debate are hurtful, for me personally having been told (by Jim) that if I ever told anyone what he was doing that I wouldn't be believed
"who would believe a child with a past already over a respected community member with a good lawyer?" he would say.

I've had a few thoughts going on since they started talking about the "allegations" on TheView and now I'd like to share them with you...

1.) There is NOT always proof.  I wasn't raped - I was molested, touched, made to strip and sit naked for his view.  Yes, rape you can prove with a rape kit, but understand that not always do rape victims run right to get help - why? Because there's shame and guilt that society puts on them - fear and a multitude of other reasons.

2.) "Crying Wolf" - I don't see how any woman could lie about going through any sexual violence.  I know some have - I've heard of women lieing in custody battles and read Gone Girl where the female character framed an innocent man for rape (and more) but she was physco.  That all makes me so angry.  Every time someone cries wolf on something like that it hurts us all.  It sets what we are trying to do back so much because now that's what's in peoples minds how do we know she's telling the truth, there was that one woman who lied and they ruined an innocent man.  Don't LIE!  It really just end up hurting everyone else, we as women need to protect one another and crying wolf just places doubt in people's mind because with every time a woman lies about sexual violence towards her it makes them want more proof and as I just said, there is not always proof.

3.) Why is it that people assume that by telling your story that you are after your 15minutes of fame?? Really? Fame from rape (or whatever other abuse they've gone through)? No!  I believe the women telling their story about Bill Cosby are women just like me and they just want truth and they carried this around with them in shame and fear for years.
When I came out about Jim's abuse to me they asked if I wanted to sue or anything - No I didn't want his money nor do I want Rick's.  I knew when I moved out and spoke out about my abuse I'd lose my inheritance.  I gave up everything money wise to live a happy life where I wasn't the victim anymore.  Do you want to know what I "lost"? 1/4 million dollars inheritance, (Jim died about 2years after I moved out of the house), my own piece of land and house I was always told I'd inherit, a walk-in closet and my own bathroom in the house we were living in, college tuition (or so they always said they would pay at least)
Yeah I didn't get any of that - but I didn't (nor do I) want it! It was all tainted with dirty strings attached.  I gained so much more by moving out and even more with sharing my story.
Moving out I escaped the fear and dark depression I had.  I gained freedom and privacy.  I no longer had to worry about what I was going to deal with at home.  I gained safety, and LOVE.  Yeah I had to share a bedroom, no longer had a closet and had to share one bathroom with 5 other people, but I got the chance to be a kid (well teenager), have friends, sleepovers, and be happy.  and I stopped hurting.  I no longer wanted to cut or burn myself.
By sharing my story- it's a big release.  I had this ball of secretes, shame, fear of what people would think, all inside me and it tugged unknowingly at every part of me.  When I shared my story publicly it was like that ball loosened a bit and once I began to admit what I went through and talk more that ball kept unraveling and I gained confidence, I gained hope and strength and a dream or 2.  Enough about me....back to my thought about sexual abuse in the headlines....

4.) Why are the victims accused of being in the wrong here??  This one makes me mad.  I already wrote one blog about no matter what a person is wearing NO MEANS NO, so you know I'm not wasting my "breath" on repeating myself there answering the "well what was she wearing?" questions.  But it seems that there are so many other accusing questions and comments that come up
How'd you get yourself in this situation?
 She shouldn't have drunk so much! 
Were you leading him on?
Someone on the View on January 8th said something that struck out so good to me so I'm going to share...
If 26 people said they were mugged we wouldn't be asking if they were telling the truth or what they were wearing or how they let that happen to themselves, so why is it that that's what society does to sexual assault victims?
It's not right and this needs to change!
Before I move on to the next thing that has struck a cord I want to touch on the drinking and drugged part....
We can't shame women by blaming rape on them since they drank too much that night.  No.  Men and Women both drink to the point of black outs in movies, books, TV shows, and in real life.  I think it happens to everyone at least once.  I am NOT condoning excessive drinking - I'm just being honest.  I, personally, have been drunk, to the point of throwing up more times than I'd like to admit.  It took me a long time to learn my limit - and even after that there was a least one time that my drinks hit me harder than normal.
Just because a woman is under the influence of drugs or Alcohol  does not mean it's OK to take advantage of her - and she did not bring rape on herself by drinking.  Men need to be gentlemen and get her help.
If you have a drug or Alcohol  problem please seek help.

5.) "I can't believe he did it." Denial.
Just because someone is a son/husband/father/teacher/famous/wealthy or whatever word you want to insert here.  No matter what "he" is - does not mean that he didn't commit the crime he's accuse of.
Rick and Jim were both: fathers, sons, husbands, brothers, bus drivers, company owners, and well off.  Jim was also respected in the community and had political friends.  They both molested me.  5years of age or younger daughter to Rick, that didn't matter.  And Jim waited until I was older but I was his granddaughter.
I might have been their only victim....I don't know....but they still did it, it happened.

I did not watch the full interview with Katie Couric and Stephen Collins to hear all the details about what he did to young girls.  I liked watching 7th Heaven growing up - but just because he played a good father figure doesn't mean I don't believe what he said is true.Child molesters, rapest and those who fall anywhere in between are good actors - They know how to act "normal," they will fool everyone around them.  I know - I lived through it.  I've seen it! 
Bill Cosby was the "American Dad" - SO What?!?  That doesn't mean he didn't commit the crimes he's accused of.  not only that but that was a role he played.
I'm sorry to scare you - but the truth is, sadly, there are real monsters who live among us and you can't pick them out from the crowd unless you've been a victim at their hand.  You might think you know your boss, co-worker, neighbor, favorite actor, best friend, and even spouse - but do you really?  They can keep their secrets and fool everyone.

I hope that justice in some for comes about, I know there's statues of limitations but people have power and with the truth out there we can stand behind the victims and survivors and make a change!!

Links used in this blog for quick access:
The View
Rosie O against her Co Host on The View (advocating for and defending victims of abuse)
Gillian Flynn's website (author of the book Gone Girl which I mentioned)
Link to The Huffington Post with videos sharing the Women's stories
The full Episode of The View on January 8th on YouTube from which I got a lot of my inspiration behind this post
Katie Couric and Stephen Collins on Yahoo
Stephen Collins 20/20
7th Heaven on TV guide
CDC website with facts on sexual violence 

Take Back The Night 2014

April 30th was our local Take Back The Night, and as always it was emotional, informative and empowering.  The theme was Keep Calm and Talk About It which as you know is very important to me - not only for self healing but also to raise awareness.

This past year alone in one county, in PA, VIP has helped 88adult and 34children in cases of sexual assault!  The numbers are alarming - that was just ONE county in ONE state.

This year a specialist came in to talk to us about sex trafficking.  The numbers there also alarming and watching and learning how it's happening all over the country and even in small towns was scary.  I will be gathering more info and will post a future blog about it.

If you haven't yet gone to a Take Back The Night, I encourage you to find one near you (your local college or VIP should be able to have the information for you).

The survivors who spoke last night did a fantastic job!!  It's really neat to see how everyone heals and expresses themselves in their own way.  So powerful and strong they were!!  One sung a song, one wrote her story in a poem that tore at your heart, and one even made a video where she did make up and told her whole story of how she was raped at such a young age and how she overcame that.  Such strong women!!

Their stories and the event itself really makes me want to open my blog up to others to share so it would be like last year long.  But I will have to figure out how to do that... For now I'll leave you with my speech from last night, and a few images....

My turn to share

We live in a world where we don't want people to know our failures, our imperfections, or our discolored past.  When we talk about ourselves to other people or share things on social media we often portray our lives in the best light as we can.  I am very guilty of this.  Every year I write up a Christmas newsletter and tell our family and friends all that has happened in the past year trying to make things appear like we're doing fantastic, no matter what problems we're facing.

I try each year to get up and give an inspiring speech and try also to have an uplifting and inspiring blog...

I don't believe that people would be so inspired to know all the truth...that we struggle each month to make our bills, have been homeless, and that I often feel like a failure.  Well tonight, as I still hope to inspire and uplift, I'm going to tell you about my discolored past, my failures, and how imperfect I am. 

By the age of 25 you're suppose to have life figured out, aren't you??  Know who you are, what you want to do, and to be on your way to accomplishing something. Well that's not me.  In December I had a very hard time with this and struggled to find meaning in my life.

Last Spring, my family moved south to start a new and better life, so I thought, but all our plans failed and the week before Christmas my husband was laid off; for the New Year we were looking at being homeless.  This is not the was it's suppose to be once you have children. By now I should have graduated college, and bee well on my way to a successful career. 

I was told by my grandmother how I would amount to nothing.  I wasn't smart, and how fat I was.  That I was a liar, and no good for anything.  Growing up hearing this has ill effects on your view of yourself as you can imagine.  Every time I fail, I think back to her harsh words -- and I've failed a LOT.

Family can be cruel.  This I know only too well.  Family can sometimes inflict the worst pain.  You trust them to protect you, to love you, and to support you.  If you're lucky you will have family that does just that.  For me I've had family on both sides.  On the one side of my family I learned how o never trust anyone, that your own flesh and blood can betray you.  How a father who should be the one to always protect his baby girl could be the one to tell her something was right although it was wrong.  I was taught how everything has a price.  There was no support for dreams, instead they were crushed and I was put down time and time again.  Lucky for me I also had another side to my family...the family that was my rock and support is here tonight for me, they've shown me what it means to be a part of a family - to love and always be there for one another especially in dark times.  They've never once turned their back on me or said any foul words.

I've learned over the years that while you don't get to choose the family that gives birth to you, but you can chose the family you belong to.  It took me a long time to move out of my abusive home - but once I did I cut all ties with the family members who cause me such pain.

Unfortunately while I've left the people who hurt me behind, the scars that were cause by my past will always be on me.  They follow me around and never fully heal.Time has healed my physical scars so you can hardly see where I use to heat tweezers and burn my legs, but time hasn't erased my memories.  They will always be with me... in fact the more time that goes by, the older I get the more I worry.  I worry about my girls having to face this cruel world.  I want to hide them away so they will never know any pain - as a parent that is probably our biggest wish.

For me, I almost didn't have children because if both my father and grandfather could molest me then how could I ever trust someone else enough to have children with them? How could I take that chance?  I'm thankful everyday that I changed my mind and for my girls - they bring meaning to my life - but everyday I worry about them growing up, and I have flash back and pray that they will never go through what I did.  My memories will be a constant reminder that my worry is justified, and that is why it's important to stay calm and talk about my story with others.

I thought that after all  that I'd gone through in my first 17 years that I deserved a break and I'd prove everyone wrong by becoming something great.  But here I was, 25 and a failure!  I dropped out of college, not just once but twice.  I tried to have my own business not once, but twice, both of which didn't go successfully.

As we were preparing our move back north I told my husband one evening how I was feeling about everything.  He looked at me and said, "Life might be hard right now, things aren't going the way we planned, but never think yourself a failure.  Your grandparents on that evil side of your family were sick people.  You are great. You are a good mother to our two girls, look at them and how well you're taking care of them, and all the love they know.  You might not have any glamours job but not everyone is meant to have a fancy job.  And don't forget how close to your heart Take Back The Night is, I think you're doing great and meaningful things trying to inspire other survivors."  That is one of the reasons he is my husband.  He's shown me that there is good in the world, that I can talk about my past and share my pain with him.  He encourages me in all that I want to do, and supports me in not only speaking here each year but also writing my blog about overcoming my past as often as I can.  He also knows how to show me how my view of myself (when negative) is wrong.  He knows how to lift me up when I'm down.

Each year brings us hardships and blessings. Every person, even if they seem perfect to you, has their hard times, failures, and skeletons.  Each of us has our own scars and pain, but we each also have something special to bring to the world, you might not see it yet but it's there.  And each of you who share your past, you bring about awareness and hope for others.  Everyone here, just by being here (supporting us at TBTN rallies) you help to bring light to the darkness and encouragement to us all to speak out against abuse.

One more thing I want to share with you..

I have a poster set up full of comments of support and encouragement I've received about my blog that I want to share with each of you - because they aren't just for me, but for everyone who shares.  There's an image below but for those reading this check out this blog entry that also has all the comments in full that you can read.

My display at TBTN

While I've been told that I'm strong for talking about it - the truth is...that while I hope that my blog and talking here helps someone - it really helps me a lot, it's my own therapy.  Keep Calm and Talk about it.  It's really hard standing up here in front of people and sharing, and I remember how scared I was the first time I ever went to get help and having to talk about it - but after - my gosh it feels so good to get it all out!

It gets easier the more you do it - Stay Calm and Talk about It.  I've been speaking at or at least writing something for tonight - gosh I think 8 or 9 years now, it does get easier to speak, and it feels so good to get my thoughts, feelings, and story off my chest.  Oh I still have my secretes, details of my past that I have not yet shared - they weigh down on me - but I'm not yet ready to tell them - and that's OK, I think, because telling what I do helps immensely. 

Keep Calm and Talk about it and I think you'll feel a sense of freedom from it, I know I do.