Today, was one of the those days, a day I've been looking forward to and super excited about, had a great morning, and then someone said something and it got in my head and ruined that good mood I had. Since then I allowed myself a breakdown and have been working on building up and getting my power back.
Let me share with you the whole story:
I jumped out of bed this morning, I've been busy all month long but I was looking forward to today! My oldest went off to school while my little one and I got loaded up and went to the library, we met an author and had some really good conversations.
On my way home, I stopped to get gas and was approached by someone I had recently met while with my husband. He came up to me with a wave and asked me what my first name was again. So I told him my first name, maybe people don't remember it or have a hard time processing that that's a real name. Anyway he goes on and says "I thought I knew you from somewhere else did you grow up in Greentown?"
Close enough, my high school covered a large area so yeah I knew people from there even tho I lived about 40 minutes or so from there. "Hawley area." I responded
"Oh your dad is Big Rick then?"
As you know from my post Names that his name is Rick so I responded with, "Yeah, I guess."
"He's a big guy." he goes on to puff out his arms to show large.
"I don't really know, he went to jail and I don't know him." I said. I figured that was the easiest way out of this conversation I didn't want to be in any longer. I don't know why I didn't just say "He's a convicted child molester so since he abused me I don't know him and don't want to associate with anyone who does. Maybe it's because I was uncomfortable, I didn't know this person, and for all I know he could be thinking of someone else.
"Oh well my wife was so-and-so, You had a sister right?"
"I'm sorry I don't know, and I don't think so, but I gotta get going."
I drove off shaken. It was such a odd conversation and make me feel so weird. I continued on in a foggy mind of my own and then went home where I made lunch and finally confronted my issues and cried. Now I'm writing my issues out...
I hate that I let that conversion affect me. I hate that thinking about my abuse and abuser still sends fear, and a feeling of powerlessness over me. What bothered me the most, I realized is that Rick is out there and doesn't have to be labeled, people can meet him and not know what is he or what he's done, that for all I know hell I could have a sister. I sure as hell hope that's not the case, and I doubt it is, but that thought scares me.
I was mad that someone could talk about Rick (my abuser) like he was a normal person. I feel that way a lot. I've had people mention Jen and Jim to me before. These people don't really know me and I always feel awkward. I've even once had someone ask me how they were.
I think that this feeling of anger and awkwardness at the mention of our abusers and hearing people talk about them as people is something that is common to us survivors. We don't view them as people anymore. Myself I wish they were gone, or that people saw them through my eyes. I have mentioned before that I wish all pedophiles and rapist had to wear a label so they were dehumanized. This might seem wrong, but in our shoes these people have failed at being a person. They have failed those who had laid trust in their hands, they have failed at treating others as people. We had become objects to them, objects they used and abused. They made us feel like we were less than others therefore we (I) want them to feel that way and be viewed as such. The problem with this is that as awful as their actions are/were they are still people, they are someone's brother (or sister- I think we forget that women can be abusers) they are were someone's friend, spouse, member of the church, they were/are someone who was/is known in the community, they are/were someone's son/daughter.
To show this I will use my own story, one that was told to me....
My Uncle and I had a couple heart to heat moments when he lived across the street from me when I lived with Jen and Jim. I loved him, for all his flaws and troubles he had, I loved him. I loved him because he didn't hold back from me when we were hanging out, he talked to me not as a child to be sheltered but as a person. He is the one that told me when Rick was back around our farm, and told me that that was why sometimes Jen would do the chores for me. He had my respect for having told me this info that I wasn't to know. He made me aware of a situation, I kept my eyes open, I had trouble sleeping at night, but I knew. Anyway back to his story...
He told me of the night he learned about what had happened to me. "Rick told me that you had been touched and there was an investigation. I grabbed my gun and said 'Let's go kill this guy' and started to head out for the truck, when Rick stopped him and said "That guy is me." Rick was his brother. He said he and thought about shooting him, even started to raise the gun. But he couldn't. He told me it messed with his head. He dropped out (or failed) college and got even heaver into drugs then he had been.
Rick had been a brother, a son, a business partner, and known in the community. I've shared before how Jen blamed and viewed me as the person who's fault it was that her son went to jail.
Anyway back to my story today....With all these thoughts in my mind I was a bit of a mess. Then I thought to a workshop I'd recently went to that was Taking Back Your Power, this workshop was not at all dealing with sexual abuse or anything of the sort. It was breathing and taking back your classroom of those students who have negative behavior and changing to positive. During this workshop the instructor told us how our past experiences reflect onto words others say so we make those words have different meanings than they have. His theory is "No one can make you upset; you choice to be upset." I did not like this theory. As much as I didn't like this theory I kept thinking about it today... I let this ONE thing effect my whole day. I was in a GREAT mood before, then from that one conversation my mind went to the negative and settled there. I LET my mood and day be altered. So I started to re think the conversation, that guy I don't know, probably doesn't know me. Rick is a common name, he could have been thinking of someone totally different. Because of my bad experience I related my experience to the words he was saying and they very well could have had not a damn thing to do with me. Also I had just stepped back into victim, I felt powerless. I am not powerless, I am in charge of my life, and I take my power back every time I speak out against abuse, each time I tell someone you are not alone, and I take a hell of a lot of power back when I speak and share my story. They can't keep you down when you don't keep quiet. I could have switched that whole conversation around by saying "Richard Davis? He is a convicted child molester, and of no relation to me, (say that because I don't want to be related, we can't chose biology but we can chose who we claim) and if you are friends with him you can get the hell away from me because someone who takes advantage of children is no longer a person in my eyes." Had I approached the question from that direction it would have cleared up exactly who he was talking about and given me all the power making known what Rick did and the type of "person" he is.
So I started to think about that...then from the same instructor I did some breathing and decided that nothing about me changed today...I was doing great, so now I needed to work through this and move on. I thought it over, I could have said "no" when I was asked about "my dad" because I don't have one, Rick is dead to me, while he isn't in reality I have moved on and I have a good life.
So for anyone who is having a bad day allow yourself to have a break down, we all need to yell, vent, and cry at times. We also need to laugh, smile, and enjoy life. So we need to go from break down to moving forward...
1. acknowledge how you are feeling, and why
2. let it out (yell, cry, vent, write, whatever it is that is going to get it all out of you)
3. breath (I will post some links at the bottom if you're interested in focused breathing)
4. acknowledge the positive in your life (make a list if you want)
5. go do something that will make you feel more like you and start feeling better
6. one foot in front of the other, from doing that one thing in step 5, do another or something that is on your to-do list
I wish you all healing.
Some links you might find of interest:
The instructor that I mentioned above, he did 2 amazing workshops which I learned a ton from, about breathing, movement, and he has a Breaking the Bullying Circle which is important, for more info about him and his programs visit: www.ronspeak.com
Take deep belly breathing breaths with this video to help calm and center yourself
Journal page to help you recognize the good stuff
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