TBTN 2019....Words

Words,

They are all around us.

We use them everyday without much thought.

These words, whether spoken, read or overheard have set definitions, yet, they all mean something different to each of us.

Some words impact us. 

They alter the way we view things, how we think, and how we feel.

They can have the impact of a speeding bullet. They hit us like a hard punch to the gut.  They leave us in pain and feeling vulnerable.

We all have our own negative words.

A painful memory attached to it.  Maybe a label you were given, something you heard over and over again.

I'll share some of mine with you:

Childhood: 

                That time of innocence in life when most learning and growth occurs.  But for me, childhood is that time in my life when I learned about betrayal (not that I knew that word then).  A time of abuse, guilt, shame and loneliness. 

The names linked to my abusers.  

The labels I heard many times:

     Fat.       

Stupid.

The words that I was told that stay with me....Words I'm constantly fighting against...

"You're too stupid to be a teacher."

"You're never going to amount to anything."

I had words to describe how I felt:
Alone
Shame
Embarrassed
Worthless
Abandoned
Used
Scared
Depressed
Suicidal
Useless
Abuse
Confused

The good news is that other words that surround us have a much different effect on us.
These words thaw us like an Indian Summer Day in the middle of a harsh winter.
They embrace us like a long needed hug from a best friend.
Their impact is like that of a delicate flower planted; something that has to be constantly watered and tended to or it will wither away...

I don't know why those negative words overpower the positive...that the negative is easier to believe.

We have to make the conscious decision to see, hear, find and believe the positive.

I have a small activity to help with this.
Grab two pieces of paper and a pen

On the first paper write a word or words that are negative to you.
I want you to now [aloud] read that list and take the power away from each word...
"I am not _____"
"I will not allow _____ to affect me"
And tear up the paper, tear apart each negative word.  Toss it in the fire, or the trash.

Now on the other paper write your positive words.
I want you to say them each out loud.  Acknowledge them. Affirm yourself with them

I'll share some of mine with you:

Smart/Books
I am smart.  I'm a voracious reader.  I enjoy learning and gaining new information.  I am happy to be surrounded by books full of possibilities.

Survivor.
I'm a survivor.

I'm going to side track for a moment and share a quick story that shows why this list of positive words is important.  Why these affirmations might help.

I was recently at an vent and was approached by an older couple and they talked about this and that what I was working on because I was writing.  I shared that I was trying to write children's books.  They asked what the books were about and I said kindness. Then the conversation got weird the guy asked about my past and what my parents thought of this, and where they were and as I tried to skirt these questions he kept insisting on asking about my parents, I finally said, "They aren't in my life."
The guy goes "Ya know, I could tell just by looking at you that you had a rough past, but ya know society, I couldn't just come out and tell you that."
That floored me.  Who says that to someone?  And just how did I "look like someone who had a rough past"?  I was dressed nice and volunteering my time at this event. Also you cannot tell who has gone through what just on how they look!  But I let that get to me, I felt like my "victim, abused" label was on the outside of me visible to the world.

Our labels aren't on the outside.  Labels are something that we have been told, called, or felt so many times that we then start to believe it.  I almost labeled myself victim again that day.  I was reminded of that confused 6 year old, the 9 year old who was told no to talk about it.  I learned to start saying "I don't know" to answer the other kids questions about why I didn't have a dad like everyone else; instead of saying he's in jail, because that wasn't allowed.  I was once again the 13 year old who desperately wanted to talk to someone, for someone to know what was going on inside my house - what my grandfather did when no one else was around.  I was that 15 year old again fighting to move out and not give up on life.

But you know what?  

I survived all that.  

 I fought and won my life.

I'm no longer the victim I was in my childhood and adolescences.  

I'm a survivor!

Now I have some word I want you to add to your positive list if they aren't already there.

Strong

Brave

Good Enough

Light

Strong:

We are each strong.  Look at what we've gone through.  Even being a supporter takes strength.  We have seen and gone through hell and survived and kept living.

Brave.

Each person who spoke tonight, 

Every person who has come forward and told someone what happened

Everyone who has said #metoo

Everyone who has taken a stand

and

Each person who got help - who had the strength to ask for help...

All those things takes extreme amounts of courage that someone who hasn't gone through it won't ever know how brave you are to do each thing.

Good Enough.

This is a hard one for me.  I never feel like I'm good enough.  I have failed many times, but I've been learning that failing and falling are part of success and that you only fail if you give up.  So I'm reminding myself [and each of you] 

that after all we've gone through we deserve to achieve our dreams.

You are good enough to go after your dreams.

You deserve to be happy, and to know happiness!

Light.

Odd word for the list, right?

Take Back the Night is about us standing together to heal, empower, and educate - 

together we are light.  

We are shining bright tonight.

We are shining light to anyone who many be in the dark,

going through dark times

we hope our stories reach them 

and give them light.

We are a beacon for those to come forward,

get help and heal.

We stand together tonight to be a light of hope for the future.

As I leave you tonight I want to leave you with this....

Words, they surround us.  Be careful which words you feed, which words you take in and which words you let out because...

Words have power

Words hurt

Words heal

Words Can EMPOWER

Help Raise Awareness

April is almost over....April is Sexual assault awareness month and Child abuse awareness month

It makes since to me that they are both in April as they go hand in hand.  No all, but a lot of sexual abuse happens at such young ages.

It's sad and it's scary.

I saw this post above on Instagram....the numbers are sad.  Why are there so few arrests?  Every case should end in justice!

What have you done this month to raise awareness???

These numbers need to change!  We need to act!  Yes, it's not something we want to be reminded of, and it's not what we want to look at, but it's a horrible part of this world! and we need to do something to raise awareness and HELP!!

I speak at Take Back the Night on Wednesday....it will be my 10th year.  I will be posting my speech on here...This is what I do each April.  And year round I post my blog (not often enough but when I have something to share) and now I'm on Tumblr as well and I post (reblog) a lot on there... These are the things I do.  I also offer an ear and support to others.  If you need help, I'm not a councler but I'll listen.

I challenge each of you....find a way to act now!  Sexual abuse isn't something easily seen....it's not leaving a black eye, it makes it hard to "see"  which makes it hard to fight.... but we can!

Post info, be a friend, be a support, post inspiration,...I'm sure there's more things.  volunteer,... find your own way. but please do something to help with these numbers!!!

Fight for justice, we don't want child molesters anywhere near our kids

For your bad days

Everyone has bad days...those days when you're mind is in a dark place, when you can't push the thoughts away, when you feel like you're falling apart and the pieces will leave scares for all to notice.
I can't fix this, no one can take the memories away, but I saw this on nomoresexualassault Instagram and I hope that it helps.

On those bad days, when you feel lost and alone, pull this up and know that you are not alone.  There are so many others out there that know how you feel that have been in your shoes, and there are a lot out there suffering in silence.
Let's break that silence.  Share this image with everyone so that they know that they are not alone.

Things will get better.  Life does get better.  There is GOOD in this world.

Please seek help if you need it!!

And if you're sharing your story, and posting quotes and images like this one...THANK YOU!  Thank you so much for all that you're doing to help victims and survivors and raising awareness.  You are truly a ray of sunlight with the word hope in it, you brighten the dark places, ease some of the pain.  You are inspiring, and strong, and helping more than we could tell you.

Sex Trafficking...

On January 23 I wrote asking you if you could to tune it to watch Nightline.  Sadly I'm far from perfect and fell asleep by 10:30 and never caught the show but I've finally gotten to watch the full episode online and have done some research....

It's really sad the ugly scene that was shown that is happening all over America (and not just here but world wide) that young girls who feel so alone or just want to feel special fall victim to sex trafficking.

I've always stood against prostitution....I'm a germ-a-phobe I couldn't and can't understand how someone would pay money to have sex with someone who just had sex with who knows how many guys before you?  It's a quick way to catch an STD if you ask me.

After watching the Nightline special and looking at some other stats and pages I really feel bad for these girls.  They are picked up young at a vulnerable age when they are trying to escape their abuse, foster care, are homeless, or just looking for attention.  They are promised things that they want.  Last year at TBTN they talked about girls getting picked up because the "pimps" would pose as a boyfriend buying the girl pretty things and then slowly after having the girl feel like they were in love then they would turn the tables and the relationship would change to one of abuse, and how the guy needed money so the he'd find ways for the girl to earn money for him.

You can find a lot of info in the links below but I'd like to highlight a few facts for you.

The average age girls are corrupted into sex trafficking is between 12-14

Women are forced to sleep with anywhere between 20-40 different people per day

Victims of sex trafficking are the same as victims of sexual abuse (most have a history of abuse in some form) and don't think of themselves as victims, lack trust and don't seek help.  (For more about this check Myths & Misconceptions)

The pimps picking up these girls are smooth talkers who know what to say and promise the girls to make them go with them.

Young girls and women are NOT the only ones who are picked up and used, young boys can be as well.  Let us not forget this.

As a mother myself I'm terrified of losing my girls, I'm very protective of them.  I don't want them to go through what I did and I don't want them to run away and fall victim to this ugly scene of sex trafficking.

Here are some links for you to watch, read, and learn more info about sex trafficking.
(again) the episode of Nightline with Diane Swayer
A Path Appears
Enslaved in America: Sex Trafficking in the United States  An Essay By Tina Frundt
What Modern Day Slavery Looks like in America by Business Insider
Sex Trafficking Statistics from the Covering House
The FBI website about Human Trafficking
National Human Trafficking Resource Center


Now with all those scary stats and stories and info in our face...I first want to thank everyone who shared their story and took a stand, and to everyone who is working to bring light to this and shove it in the public's faces.  It takes a lot of courage to share your story and start life over again, and it takes a lot of people knowing about something to put an end to it.

With that it then brings up the question of how to end this?  I think the documentary A Path Appears is on the right path, that there is a solution to all these huge problems that they discuss we as the public as a nation just have to care enough to stand up and figure it out.

Personally (again I'm no expert) but what I think....we have to prevent these girls from falling victim.  They said most come from broken homes or foster care....I don't know how to end that....but we somehow have to make sure young women know that they can become anything that they are loved, to love themselves first, and that there is a good future ahead if you work hard towards it.
Love is a powerful tool.  The promise of love can make someone do crazy things....what if they already know love before they feel the need to go out and find it?  I Love You.  Three simple words, every parent should tell their kids, let them know that no matter what they do you will always love them.
I think this is a good start.
I also think that men should wake up and stop buying sex. Really guys do you not worry about STDs? Are you not grossed out by the thought of how many other guys have been there before?  Are you not disgusted with yourself for paying for sex?
Just like in every other aspect of sales it's supply and demand....the demand is what drives everything.  If there is no demand then there is no sale....what if men stop the demand?  Then there will be no need for prostitution.
What if there was an ad on a billboard or TV that showed a picture of a girl at age 5, then again at 13 then again at 25 and the caption read, "she's your little girl how would you feel if she was taken and sold for sex?" would guys be so quick to buy it then?


I really don't like that I sound like a man hater here...I am not.  I love my husband and I know that not all men are like this...but there is enough men buying sex that prostitution is still going on today.  I also know that men can be victims of abuse as well...I'm not here to attack anyone I just want to raise awareness and end all forms of abuse....and sex trafficking is abuse.

In the News TONIGHT!!

I never did get the chance to post a blog about sex trafficking like I had said I would last year.  I am sorry (I was without internet or a computer) but now that I'm back I want to share what I saw an ad for this morning on Good Morning America...

Diane Sawyer is doing a special about exposing how sex trafficking is happening here in America, young girls are being picked up and sold and used, here in our country.  Last year I learned that it's happening in small towns too not just big cities.

Image taken from Google Images.  Image credit will go to this site that it was credited on on Google

Tune in tonight to watch the specials 

First up World News Tonight will air a clip

Then watch the full report with Diane Sawyer on Nightline tonight at 12:35 AM ET (that would be 9:30 PM PT)

And they said they will be airing a clip on Good Morning America Monday morning.

Links:
What is Sex Trafficking?
About the Special report with Diane Sawyer on Sex Trafficking
Facts and Questions on Sex Trafficking
National Slavery and Human Trafficking Prevention Month 2015

Take Back The Night 2014

April 30th was our local Take Back The Night, and as always it was emotional, informative and empowering.  The theme was Keep Calm and Talk About It which as you know is very important to me - not only for self healing but also to raise awareness.

This past year alone in one county, in PA, VIP has helped 88adult and 34children in cases of sexual assault!  The numbers are alarming - that was just ONE county in ONE state.

This year a specialist came in to talk to us about sex trafficking.  The numbers there also alarming and watching and learning how it's happening all over the country and even in small towns was scary.  I will be gathering more info and will post a future blog about it.

If you haven't yet gone to a Take Back The Night, I encourage you to find one near you (your local college or VIP should be able to have the information for you).

The survivors who spoke last night did a fantastic job!!  It's really neat to see how everyone heals and expresses themselves in their own way.  So powerful and strong they were!!  One sung a song, one wrote her story in a poem that tore at your heart, and one even made a video where she did make up and told her whole story of how she was raped at such a young age and how she overcame that.  Such strong women!!

Their stories and the event itself really makes me want to open my blog up to others to share so it would be like last year long.  But I will have to figure out how to do that... For now I'll leave you with my speech from last night, and a few images....

My turn to share

We live in a world where we don't want people to know our failures, our imperfections, or our discolored past.  When we talk about ourselves to other people or share things on social media we often portray our lives in the best light as we can.  I am very guilty of this.  Every year I write up a Christmas newsletter and tell our family and friends all that has happened in the past year trying to make things appear like we're doing fantastic, no matter what problems we're facing.

I try each year to get up and give an inspiring speech and try also to have an uplifting and inspiring blog...

I don't believe that people would be so inspired to know all the truth...that we struggle each month to make our bills, have been homeless, and that I often feel like a failure.  Well tonight, as I still hope to inspire and uplift, I'm going to tell you about my discolored past, my failures, and how imperfect I am. 

By the age of 25 you're suppose to have life figured out, aren't you??  Know who you are, what you want to do, and to be on your way to accomplishing something. Well that's not me.  In December I had a very hard time with this and struggled to find meaning in my life.

Last Spring, my family moved south to start a new and better life, so I thought, but all our plans failed and the week before Christmas my husband was laid off; for the New Year we were looking at being homeless.  This is not the was it's suppose to be once you have children. By now I should have graduated college, and bee well on my way to a successful career. 

I was told by my grandmother how I would amount to nothing.  I wasn't smart, and how fat I was.  That I was a liar, and no good for anything.  Growing up hearing this has ill effects on your view of yourself as you can imagine.  Every time I fail, I think back to her harsh words -- and I've failed a LOT.

Family can be cruel.  This I know only too well.  Family can sometimes inflict the worst pain.  You trust them to protect you, to love you, and to support you.  If you're lucky you will have family that does just that.  For me I've had family on both sides.  On the one side of my family I learned how o never trust anyone, that your own flesh and blood can betray you.  How a father who should be the one to always protect his baby girl could be the one to tell her something was right although it was wrong.  I was taught how everything has a price.  There was no support for dreams, instead they were crushed and I was put down time and time again.  Lucky for me I also had another side to my family...the family that was my rock and support is here tonight for me, they've shown me what it means to be a part of a family - to love and always be there for one another especially in dark times.  They've never once turned their back on me or said any foul words.

I've learned over the years that while you don't get to choose the family that gives birth to you, but you can chose the family you belong to.  It took me a long time to move out of my abusive home - but once I did I cut all ties with the family members who cause me such pain.

Unfortunately while I've left the people who hurt me behind, the scars that were cause by my past will always be on me.  They follow me around and never fully heal.Time has healed my physical scars so you can hardly see where I use to heat tweezers and burn my legs, but time hasn't erased my memories.  They will always be with me... in fact the more time that goes by, the older I get the more I worry.  I worry about my girls having to face this cruel world.  I want to hide them away so they will never know any pain - as a parent that is probably our biggest wish.

For me, I almost didn't have children because if both my father and grandfather could molest me then how could I ever trust someone else enough to have children with them? How could I take that chance?  I'm thankful everyday that I changed my mind and for my girls - they bring meaning to my life - but everyday I worry about them growing up, and I have flash back and pray that they will never go through what I did.  My memories will be a constant reminder that my worry is justified, and that is why it's important to stay calm and talk about my story with others.

I thought that after all  that I'd gone through in my first 17 years that I deserved a break and I'd prove everyone wrong by becoming something great.  But here I was, 25 and a failure!  I dropped out of college, not just once but twice.  I tried to have my own business not once, but twice, both of which didn't go successfully.

As we were preparing our move back north I told my husband one evening how I was feeling about everything.  He looked at me and said, "Life might be hard right now, things aren't going the way we planned, but never think yourself a failure.  Your grandparents on that evil side of your family were sick people.  You are great. You are a good mother to our two girls, look at them and how well you're taking care of them, and all the love they know.  You might not have any glamours job but not everyone is meant to have a fancy job.  And don't forget how close to your heart Take Back The Night is, I think you're doing great and meaningful things trying to inspire other survivors."  That is one of the reasons he is my husband.  He's shown me that there is good in the world, that I can talk about my past and share my pain with him.  He encourages me in all that I want to do, and supports me in not only speaking here each year but also writing my blog about overcoming my past as often as I can.  He also knows how to show me how my view of myself (when negative) is wrong.  He knows how to lift me up when I'm down.

Each year brings us hardships and blessings. Every person, even if they seem perfect to you, has their hard times, failures, and skeletons.  Each of us has our own scars and pain, but we each also have something special to bring to the world, you might not see it yet but it's there.  And each of you who share your past, you bring about awareness and hope for others.  Everyone here, just by being here (supporting us at TBTN rallies) you help to bring light to the darkness and encouragement to us all to speak out against abuse.

One more thing I want to share with you..

I have a poster set up full of comments of support and encouragement I've received about my blog that I want to share with each of you - because they aren't just for me, but for everyone who shares.  There's an image below but for those reading this check out this blog entry that also has all the comments in full that you can read.

My display at TBTN

While I've been told that I'm strong for talking about it - the truth is...that while I hope that my blog and talking here helps someone - it really helps me a lot, it's my own therapy.  Keep Calm and Talk about it.  It's really hard standing up here in front of people and sharing, and I remember how scared I was the first time I ever went to get help and having to talk about it - but after - my gosh it feels so good to get it all out!

It gets easier the more you do it - Stay Calm and Talk about It.  I've been speaking at or at least writing something for tonight - gosh I think 8 or 9 years now, it does get easier to speak, and it feels so good to get my thoughts, feelings, and story off my chest.  Oh I still have my secretes, details of my past that I have not yet shared - they weigh down on me - but I'm not yet ready to tell them - and that's OK, I think, because telling what I do helps immensely. 

Keep Calm and Talk about it and I think you'll feel a sense of freedom from it, I know I do.

Take the Step

I found this on Pinterest and fell in love with it because it's so true and inspiring.  The quote can be applied to any area of your life.
I think everyone should print the image or write out the quote and hang it in their office, on the fridge, or tape it to a diary.  Put it somewhere where you can see it everyday to remind you that it only takes one small step to make a change - move in the right direction - and you can change everything.

Change rarely happens overnight, it takes time, courage, strength, and a series of steps.
Some people make change by jumping steps with both feet, while others tentatively take small steps to get there - both will get there; both will do great because they each make the step in the right direction.
Le me use weight loss for an example...A person doesn't just wake up one morning being 50 pounds lighter, they have to take the first step towards weight loss to see a difference.
Person A might hire a personal trainer, and dramatically change their diet all in that first step, and keep going until they meet their goal.
Person B might have a harder time making such big changes so instead one day they might cut down on the amount of soda they drink, then they might trade a Big Mac for a burger they make at home and load with veggies, then they start going for a walk each day after work, and so on, and so on, making small changes until they realize they've done it.

Every step you take has an impact on your life.  In order to make it better, that step has to have meaning and go in the right direction.

I'm a mix of Person A and B, depending on what the change is.

Changing my life from an abusive house hold I was living in to the loving one I came to know more was hard.  I can admit that.  It took small steps and time and I was scared the whole way.

Compared to that first change in my life all others I'd jump at and they were easy compared to leaving my abusive home at the age of 16.  I've quite smoking 3 times, this last time did it and I haven't craved a cigarette in 2 years!  I did that cold turkey; I woke up one morning not liking the way I felt or the smell of smoke and decided to stop.  My husband had a harder time quitting and had to wean himself off the cancer sticks slowly.

It doesn't matter how you have to go about making a better path for yourself - just take the step!  Apply this to whatever area of your life you have/want to.

For those going through abuse - there is no better time than now to seek help and get out!!  For those who are working on overcoming your past - there is help.  Just keep placing one foot in front of the other.

I can still remember the steps I took to get out of my abusive home...

I believe I was in 10th grade when I learned that Rick was around our 15acer home - working with the buses, and helping build the new log home Jen and Jim were building.  My Uncle to whom I was close to, Slade, told me about Rick being around - only he wasn't suppose to, but he thought I had a right to know.  Slade asked me to promise to not tell anyone that he told me or even that I knew.  From then on I couldn't sleep well, and I really didn't feel safe.  I went to school one day and told my guidance counselor that Rick was around.  I don't remember the whole conversation but I was set up then with a counselor from.V.I.P. to deal with my emotional issues from Rick molesting me when I was a child.  At first I thought, "Ha! I don't have any emotional issues - that happened years ago! I'm fine! I just want this asshole to stay far, far away!!!"  Latter that week I met the lady from V.I.P and we met once a week until I graduated high school.
When I entered 11th grade we moved into the finished log home.  That's when I saw Rick out starting buses and once heard him in the house - Jen told me to stay in my room and not come out.  I was 16, I knew he was in the house talking to her, that she didn't want me to see him, and that she thought I was clueless.... At this time I started to get more help from VIP and my school counselors.  Children and Youth came to my school and told me they'd have to come to my home and interview me.  I'd have to tell them what was going on, only thing was that they asked me these questions including if I felt safe with Jen and Jim sitting at the table with me.  I was a coward and said that I was happy and safe there - not just once but twice!!
The kicker is that all this time Jim was abusing me as well - but I didn't tell anyone that until after I was out of the house.

The last time Children and Youth came out, Jen made me write a letter saying how I forgave Rick and felt safe.  I have the letter still and maybe another day I'll share it all on here.  I was smart and copied it word for word onto another piece of paper and took it to school with me.  I went straight to my counselor's office and gave it to her.  That is the point at which my life changed.  I spent the whole day with her.  We called lawyers, my mom, and other services, that night I didn't do the same as I had done so many times before but rather my mom picked me up and I went home with her - and started my life all over again.

All the steps I took were hard in their own way.  The first step, talking to the counsler, was the biggest because it helped me know that there was help and that I wasn't alone or totally damaged.  That step made such a difference in my life.  I learned to deal with everything and to seek help and it's the step that set in motion all the changes and that allowed me to get out of the abuse.

Whatever you're facing or wanting to accomplish, take the step forward.  It may be scary but it's worth it and you'll thank yourself in the end.  Best of wishes :)

Words of Support...

Last week a post I had written in August was shared on Facebook by someone to a group about one of the schools that has Davis Buses.  The post was shared a bunch and all the comments I saw were so full of reassurance that I had done the right thing and full of praise that I was close to tears reading what everyone had said.

I wish I had had all those comments and known that so many people would have stood behind me back when I was in school going through everything.  Back then I was living with a dark secrete that I was told to never talk about because according to Gen and Jim "People would think poorly of me.  Kids in shool would pick on me.  And, why would I want to tell anyone what happened, it's in the past!"

In the past it might be but I haven't forgotten...in some ways I wish I could...but it will always be with me.  And when the abuser is still alive and not just them but you know the ugly truth that not everyone can be trusted so once you have kids you'll do anything to look out for them and protect them.

When I was younger I felt like Gen and Jim ruled the world and that I was small and insingifanct.  I didn't want to get picked on, or yelled at for telling anyone - so it was years that I kept the secrete.  Finally talking about it was really hard for me - but it's gotten easier over the years, and now that I've opened up I realized it wasn't me they were worried for but themselves.
Maybe that's why speaking out about what happened to me and sharing the comments of support from others below is so important to me.  I hated the way I felt growing up and I don't think anyone should have to feel that way.  I also want to bring hope to those who have gone through abuse and to those who are being abused.  The victims currently being suppressed are the ones who need the words of encouragement the most - they need to know that they have support to come forward and to get help - and that they won't be picked on -it takes a lot of strength to get help - to stand up against those who have done such harm to you.

So now I'll share all the comments I saw with you in hopes that others who need the support and a reminder that stepping forward to get help, and shareing their story with others is a good thing.  **Note: if you're a male survivor or victim reading this please just adjust the words so that they fit you**

"I truly admire your bravery.  I wish more parents would see it."

"Keep your head up, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by the amount of support you get/have."

"I am so proud of what a strong and brave young lady you have grown into."

"Giving those names means they have no hold on you anymore.. Letting the public know who did this is a protection for the public.. Those awful people do not deserve to remain anonymous.. You owe them no loyalty, they owe you everything.Personally I think you should sue them all for what they did to you..." 

 "I'm very proud of you!! You just made such a difference to so many, survivors, victims and future victims of abuse...it takes a strong person to STAND UP!! Hold your head high!! Not many can do what you did, what NEEDS to be done...If this helped only 1 person (I'm sure it has helped more just in knowing they are not alone in whatever abuse they have been through or are going through...and may give them the same Courage you have shown...)  May the Rest of your Life be filled with Peace and Happiness"

"Takes a lot of balls to face your past and share it with the public.  You are a strong girl!!"

"What happened is disgusting.  I am so happy to see that those horrible people did not prevent you from growing into a beautiful strong and courageous woman and loving mother.  Thank you for sharing your story and giving hope and encouragement to other victims of abuse."

"I am happy you feel strong enough to now tell your story.  Your past has not prevented you from becoming a strong woman.  I remember some of the abuse by your grandfather and even when I had to call him to stand up for you I remember how intimated he made me feel.  So happy to see your strength!"

"There is freedom in the truth. If your story helps just one other person then truth has won once again.  Hold that in your heart and know that God understands and surly has a place for you."

"Wow, very courageous of this girl to share the name of her childhood molester...hope she inspires others.

"Thank you for sharing your story.  You are an inspiration!!"

"You are a very brave person.  Best of luck to you."

"Very brave person, indeed.  You should never feel ashamed - Thank you for sharing your story and being a strong person."

"Thank you for your contribution to bring awareness!"

"I think it is a wonderful thing that you are doing by speaking out about what has been done to you and I feel it is a very good thing that you are not hiding the facts about who did it.  It is time that the abuser stop being protected.  It is time that people know what they are really like."  

"I'm so happy for you, not happy that you went through that, but you are a blessing to all that know you.  You are one strong woman.  Keep telling your story we all need it, more for the ones going through it. God Bless You.  You might not think you are, you sure area hero to us.  Also you teaching us all what ever bad things that happened to any of us if we want a better life you got to work at it.  We don't have to be victim or a pawn of hurt and scared for life.  Thank you for who you became.  You could have had closed the doors and hid and not walked in love, after all you faced you still found love." 

" I read her story and was very impressed with her strength and courage to not let that those horrible people control her life. As far as her telling their names, too bad for them! They did something horrible to an innocent child, they deserved to be shamed in public." 

"That's great that you're taking this and turning it into something positive. I had heard rumors of this but had NO idea who the family was and the post was brought to my attention."

Healing

I saw this post and thought it would be a great one to share with everyone here.  It spoke so much to me. 
I know I felt damaged for a while from the abuse I had gone through, and that I was so different from the rest of the world because of it.  I was always quite and alone.  Once I finally moved out of the abusive household and in with the other half of my family who encouraged me to go out and make friends and have a life I was still different but I began healing and I got the help that I needed and now I no longer allow my past abuse to control my life.  Instead I want it to push me forward, to better myself emotionally, mentally, and socially.  I want to help other people overcome their bad past, I might not have a perfect life but I'm determined to keep trying to better my life.  My past is always behind me, reminding me of what I had gone through during my childhood and I use it to make sure my children have it better. 

Healing is a process.  It takes time, and it takes support.  I'm lucky I had and still have such wonderful support, for now I don't live in constant fear or submission. 

Names

Thanks to some survivors at Take Back The Night this year who got up and introduced themselves by name I've realized that I shouldn't hide names. Like I said you never know how your speaking helps others.

I realized that I shouldn't hide who I am, I've done nothing wrong, although I'm still embarrassed and ashamed of what happened to me I know I shouldn't be but you can't help it, abuse leaves marks that can't be seen and shame is one of those marks. You want to hide and remain annomys. For me it's that and the reason I haven't shared names is out of fear even still, years after the abuse has stopped, I'm still afraid of what might happen by putting their names out there, but I'm going to do it anyway...why? Because people should know who they are, because I know my "father" who molested his own daughter, and if he did it to his own daughter then no child is safe around him, isn't on Megan's List...because he was convicted of his crime before Megan's Law.

So names....I will now use names for the two who abused me....while one has died before being convicted the other still lives.

Richard "Rick" Davis was, or well biologically is my father. He is a convicted child molester, he went to jail for 5 or 7 years. When he started touching me, I don't know, I don't have a lot of early childhood memories, but there are a lot of clips that I wish I didn't have. By the time I entered 1st grade he was in jail. The last I heard he was living in Shohola, PA.

James "Jim" Davis was while not biologically, but adoptivally, Rick's father, and my grandfather. He was very well respected in the community, and had many political friends. I didn't tell anyone of what he did to me until I was out of his house and 17years old. He died before any trial or conviction.

Gennive "Jen" Davis was the wife of Jim and mother of Rick. She still is a respected member of the community, and drives and owns school buses. She blamed me and my mother for her son Rick going to jail.

Wow, even though I'm 25 and have been out of the house and away from the 3 of them I'm still fearful of telling their names...but as I said before, I'm gonna suck it up and tell you all because you have a right to know who commits such crimes and that they are from all backgrounds.

From now on in my blog I will use their names, I no longer have to refer to Rick as my father since I've never liked doing so.

It is important to know that Rick was a school bus driver! A person that was always around children! He even owned buses. He is not allowed to own or drive school buses now but I know for a fact that he is still around them. How? Well before I moved out of Jen and Jim's I was told that he was around by his brother, and then I saw him. He never came near me. Jen and Jim didn't know that I knew. He was caught driving bus for a summer camp I had worked at, and the owner who knew Rick wasn't allowed to be around kids told him to get off the property and not to come back on. Other family friends who know of what happened have told us that they have seen him driving an empty bus to get work done on it (we've learned that if the "school bus" signs aren't showing it's not against the law) and on a couple ocassions has gone out to buses that have broken down to fix them.

Jen and Jim owned a large number of school buses and both drove school bus. While Jim died 6 or 7 years ago Jen still owns the buses and drives. She never touched me, she only put me down, called me names and made me feel like shit.

Sex offenders can be anyone! The Davis name while it's a common name, was highly respected in our community. I think it still is, because they kept all their dirty secrets hidden from everyone. I was always told growing up to never tell anyone what happened to me because if I did people would think poorly of me, make fun of me, and I'd just be hurting myself. I've realized that it was their name and reputation that they didn't want ruined.

To you seeing them, you'd never think or know what they truely were/are, what they did. To me, I knew the truth, after all I was the one going through the abuse. I often wondered why other people didn't see it...couldn't they see their thoughts? I know people can't, but as someone going through the abuse, you really wish people could!

They had money! They had a lot of money and were well off. Abuse doesn't know any boundries, age, race, money, job, religion, there are no defining charatistics of who will be abuse, or of those who abuse others. I hated money, and power. Why? Because Jen and Jim had both! And Jim always held that over me. He told me I couldn't tell anyone because no one would believe me and that he was too old to go to jail. No one would believe me because he was powerful. I was terrified when I finally told. Who would believe me? And as far as I know I was the only person he ever did that to. Oh but he told me how he loved to look at girls getting on the school bus in short skirts. But what does that matter? I doubt he told anyone else that.

So to everyone who lives where there's a Davis school bus (G Davis Inc), you now know of the people who are around the busses. I will not allow my children on one. Once they start riding a bus I'm gonna make sure I know who the driver is and make sure that they know to tell me the moment they don't feel safe.

I want to end this entry with a link to a letter from a child molester written to Ann Landers:

Never would have known...

"I would have never known that you went through that"

"You couldn't tell that you went through that"

"I would have never guessed..."

"You turned out so well..."

"I'm surprised at how you handle yourself...."

 

 

These are all things I've heard over the years and I don't know why but it

 

surprises me that people say some of them. You can't tell what a person has

 

gone through just by looking at them. Only physical abuse leaves marks. In

 

talking to someone, unless they tell you, you don't know what they've gone

 

through and keep secrete. Even people who you've known for years could harbor

 

dark details that you wouldn't have known about until they open up and tell you.

 

I know my family didn't know about what my grandfather was doing to me until I

 

told first my boyfriend at the time, then my counselor, then had to tell my

 

family about it...I was 17 at that point...and was already out of that house and

 

abuse. People wouldn't have known if I didn't say anything....so you can't tell

 

just by looking, knowing, or even talking to a person what they've gone

 

through.

 

Sexual, mental, and emotional abuse don't leave marks for people to see.

 

They leave permant lasting marks on the victims' memories, mind, and self image

 

most of the time. And these marks will never fully heal. Physical abuse does

 

the same thing to a person, only the physical marks will heal. Now I did say

 

that one will never fully heal from abuse, and it's true, but there's a lot of

 

healing that will happen in time, and with help and support.

 

Everyone copes with their abuse in different ways, and to stereotype that

 

everyone who has been abuse will have problems with drugs, drinking, or violence

 

is wrong. I'm very lucky in that I don't battle any of these problems. I

 

remember being told by my uncle who was raised by the same abusive grandparents

 

that once I was out of that house I would go off to college and party like crazy

 

and do all the drugs out there. That's what he did. I don't know what he went

 

through at all, he never told me much more than that my grandparents had gotten

 

soft, they were much harder on him. I think it also didn't help him when he

 

learned what his brother had done to me when I was so young. I loved my uncle

 

dearly. I was really caught off guard when I found out that he had committed

 

suicide.

 

I don't know for sure but since his father and brother both molested me maybe he had gone through something in that house at a young age as well. I don't know. Statistically speaking it's a good chance he was abused as well. I always thought and really believe that I was the only one hurt by my grandfather.

 

People are good at hiding things when they really don't want others to know something. Abuse isn't only for the people who are poor or doing drugs or it can happen to anyone no matter what their lifestyle could have been abused, or could be being abused. It doesn't matter how they look, or act. You just don't know.

 

So if someone tells you that they've been abused don't say "I would have never known" but try I'm sorry to hear, or if you can relate tell them that you know what it's like and share your story and be a friend who they can talk to.

 

Now when I was going through the abuse and my life was crazy and I was still in school and getting help I was told by my counselor how well I was handling everything and that helped. It helped to hear that I was doing good and she told me how strong I was. To say those things to someone who is being abused or just got out of an abusive home that will help, just let them know they are strong, doing good, and even when they feel like they are falling apart by telling them they are handling everything well will make them feel better. At least it did me.

 

Maybe that's why I didn't get into drugs bad or try to drink away my problems...just to know that someone cares and loves you can make all the difference. I was lucky to have had that in my teachers, counselors, and my family who was there for me and took me in.

The Perks Of Being a Wallflower (the movie)

A note before I start. I don't want to ruin or spoil the movie for anyone. It is a great movie so please if you haven't seen it yet then stop reading NOW and go watch it, then come back and read if you wish as I'm sure this entry will make more sense after watching the movie.

　

***Read on only if you've seen the movie***

 

I am so happy I was able to rent The Perks of Being a Wallflower from my local library and got to watch it.

I always find it hard to watch a movie or show that brings up childhood abuse or rape. I wasn't raped but the feeling that come with watching that are really hard to deal with. Everytime my chest gets tight, I often feel like hiding somewhere, I remember how I felt, and I always feel ashamed and like everyone around me can tell that I was that kid in the movie. I don't know if everyone feels that way...I never ask, I've never told how thoses scenes make me feel. I'd describe it a panic or anziity attack. And it always makes me uncomfortable to watch when there's a lot of people in the room, espically if I do cry or really freak out over my flood of feelings from the past. It does usually help to have my husband near to comfort me. Even though this is how I feel I still think it's important to have movies, and TV shows, and books that adress childhood abuse. It's important to make other uncomfortable, and to show them that this really does happen.

For me writing helps me sort out my feeling or to overcome emotions. It helps me to let it all out...and I can't let it out by talking. Talking about the way I feel has always been very hard for me even in coucling so I've always written...it is 12:15 in the morning and after watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower I had so much on my mind that I had to get it out. I hope to write and be done so that I can get some sleep tonight. Just a little side note for other survivors or victems, do whatever it takes for your feeling to be out there. Now back to relating to the movie...

I guesse now it a good time to relate to the main charater, Charlie. I could relate to him right off the bat. He kept a type of diary, writing letters to a Dear Friend, talking about what was comming up and how he was feeling just then, but never once did he mention abuse in the letters. He was a wallflower, a loner, and he was scared and nervous. He got close to a teacher, who probably didn't know it but helped him out, and encouraged his writing and education. He said in the begining of the movie how he went all summer without talking to anyone outside of his family. I knew just how he was feeling for that was me, all throughout school. I didn't make friends easily, but was really close to teachers. There were a few who were really helped me. I had friends in school but none that I was really really close to, and not one that I talked to over breaks. Jen and Jim kept me very issolated from everyone. Every year at the begining of the school year I'd wonder who would want to talk to me. It didn't bother me, I didn't mind sitting back and listening. I loved school it was my safe-haven from my home life where I could never do anything right and had to wonder if Jim was going to try to see me naked or touch me. I always kept a diary, although I never mentioned any abuse I was going through. I didn't start writing about my abuse or feelings over it until I was getting counceling from VIP.

By the end of the movie you learn about the molestation he had gone through, although you would have never known. Since I had watched this movie after reading "Inoculating Your Children Against Sexual Abuse!" I picked up on the big sign of the aunt telling him "our little secret" about getting him a gift. Other than that you wouldn't have known about what was going on, until they show you. I will encourage all parents now to get the book "Inoculating Your Children Against Sexual Abuse!" as it goes through steps in teaching your children to protect themselves one of which is your family has no secrets, and it also has a checklist for you to ask yourself about anyone that's around your kids.

He says that one of the hardest days is when he was getting help the doctor had to tell his parents what had happened to him, and how hard it was on everyone. Having gone through that not only once but twice, I can tell you it's extremely hard! Childhood sexual abuse doesn't only effect the child, but once everyone around, just in a different way. My family told me that they feel like they should have known, and sometimes blame themselves for what happened to me. It's hard to come to terms with that someone you know, someone that is part of your family would do such a thing to a child, to your child, one who you thought was safe. Parents wouldn't leave their kids alone with someone who they didn't think the kids wouldn't be safe with, so the abuse always comes as a big surprise. It was hard for me at a young age of 5 or so to tell my family the first time, espically since I didn't understand why they were making a big deal out of it or what was happening. The second time I had to tell people I was a grown teen of 17...and that was hard. I had to tell everyone that I had this big secret that I had kept and hidden for years. I think the movie did a great job at showing how hard it was on everyone to learn of what had happened, and to show how ackward it is after, how everyone feels uneasy. It's hard to get that emotion in a movie, but I think they did it well. I think it's easier for me to understand since I had gone through it.

The great thing for Charlie is that he made really great close friends who were there for him. And he had a very supporting family.

Just like in reality Charlie wasn't the only one to have suffered abuse, and I love how the writers go on to show that your friends don't turn their backs on you when they learn of your past.

Charlie's sister dates a guy through the movie and in one scene, and only one scene they show a fight between the two of them and he hits her. I've never been in a relationship like that but have had friends who have. I always said, and told my husband, if I was ever hit that would be the end of the relationship no matter what. I had my share of abuse growing up and I wouldn't and won't put up with it. I honestly don't understand why anyone would stay with someone who hits them or makes them feel bad. My one friend who I had learned that her boyfriend had hit her, when I told her to leave him and that she could do better, she made the excuse for him that she egged him on, it was only that one time, that she wouldn't stay if he hit her again, and that she had already invested too many years with him that she couldn't find anyone else and that she loved him. This same friend when set up with a great guy a few years before and went out on a date, told me that she couldn't date him because he was too nice for her and she didn't deserve that. It's really sad, and they say it in the movie, people go for and stay with what they feel they deserve. It's true, you do. I dated a lot of jerks and guys below me but there were 2 who really were good and showed me that I could date above the level I thought. One was my high school sweetheart who I dated for just under a year. He was supportive and the first one I told about what Jim had done to me. While we didn't stay together, him and I still remained close friend, and still are to this day. I'm very thankful to him for all the support he gave me. After we broke up, I went back to a low self estem and not dating anyone good. Finally my best friend at the time set me up on a blind date with the man who is now my husband. I really didn't think he'd want to stay with me, but he did, and he's turned my life around! So, if you're someone who is with someone who treats you poorly, just know that you deserve better, even if you don't think so, you do, you're worth more than you think!! I love how they show at the end of the movie the sister does leave her boyfriend and they show her happier without him.

Charlie's first relationship is with a girl he didn't really want to be with. I've been there too! He stayed with her because he felt bad for breaking up with her. There is no abuse in this relationship. He finally ends the relationship in an awful way. I really felt bad for the girl. It is never a good idea to stay in a relationship that you don't love the person your with. As a person who always wants people to be happy that's really hard to do. I know I dated a guy once who was sucidal. I didn't want to be with him, and had no feeling for him. I only said yes to going out with him because he got up the nerve to ask me out and I felt like I'd really hurt his feeling if I said no. Then once I learned about how he'd inflict self pain, I didn't want to break up with him for fear of him really hurting himself. It was a very awkward, and intense relationship. After dating only a week he told me that he loved me, and then at 2 weeks he told me that if I ever left him he'd kill himself. Wow. that makes it hard. I broke up with him finally after he had hurt himself and ended up in a mental hospital where he had called me. I figured at least there he was safe. I'm happy to say that the relationship in the movie wasn't like that, but it did remind me of that relationship I had. Relationships are hard and tricky, but you have to do what's best for you.

Charlie makes a great friend in Patrick, who is outwardly gay, but in a closed closet relationship. Patrick's boyfriend will not come out of the closet because he says his father will beat him, and when his father catches the two of them together he does. It comes out that the father started beating his son in front of Patrick. He didn't do anything to stop it and left. I feel really bad for both boys. I can't relate to them for lack of expierence here. I was only beat a few times, never in front of non family and never had to cover bruises. I feel for those who are gay and afraid of coming out. I wish people would stop judging and putting religion into it, they can believe whatever they want but 2 people who are of the same sex and want to be together aren't hurting anyone so why make them feel bad? I know as a mother, I would not turn my back on either of my girls if they told me they had a girlfriend. I think as a parent it's your job to be supportive. The sad thing about this abuse is that neither boy told anyone else, and neither of them got help. I don't care if their reason was that it only happened once, there is NO reason to beat a child, teen, person, like that. The dad should have gone to jail.

Through Patrick, Charlie meets Sam. He falls for her right away. One night she opens up about her first kiss being with her father's boss, when she was 11. She talks about how she was, we'll use the term lose, her freshman year. This too I can sadly relate to. While my family doesn't know, or well, didn't, if they read this they will and hope they don't think poorly of me. After finally getting out of Jen and Jim's house and given freedom, I had my first love, I mentioned him before. He was great to me, but when we broke up I felt like nothing. I was living with great family, but I lost all self respect. I slept around a bit until I met the man who is my husband. When you've been put down for so long, forced to undress, and be touched, it takes away your self esteem.

All of this makes the movie so powerful, heavy, and intense. I'm so happy that this movie brings up so many issues that I've had, and brings to light the topics of different kinds of abuse and how it effects people. I wasn't expecting any of that from the previews. The writers did a great job in while bringing to light such painful realities, really telling a full story, and kept you watching. They didn't go into full, hard to watch scenes of abuse, which makes it a lot easier to watch, when they did show any it was in a very short clip. Mostly the abuse it talked about, just like in reality, when friends finally open up and share with each other.

Thank you again to the writers, producers, and cast in this movie for doing such a wonderful job, and for bringing to light some many important matters!

Your story could Help

I posted my speech this year for Take Back The Night in which I spoke about why I speak and share my story. By sharing our stories as survivors we not only support each other but inspire each other to open up, get help, and in turn heal. I use to want to write a book or make a movie to bring about awareness but really never could write my story out word for word the way it happened, to tell it from start to end in detail. I could picture much of it although a lot of my childhood is cut in and out, I only have pieces of the memories, and many of which I wish I didn't have. My thought for sharing my story like that is to make childhood sexual abuse very public and to show that it happens and how often. I want to bring this issue that everyone hides and tries to cover up or say didn't happen to attention. I don't see me accomplishing this, but it is a good thought and maybe someone will do it with their own story one day. The book "A Child Called It" did that with childhood abuse and neglect. I have read that, and my heart went out to the child, it sickened me that someone could treat any person that way.

I always hope that by speaking each year at Take Back The Night that I'll help at least one person get the help that they need or to share their story and help another person. With this blog I hope that it's a safe way to do the same, and to let other survivors or victims know that they aren't alone.

I was really happy to see a large jump in the number of page views after speaking. I hope that it helps.

  I received these emails from my counselor which really made me feel good that I've helped others speak:
"Thank you so much !  I will share the information from your blog.  It was such an empowering night and I greatly appreciate your involvement through the years, as well as the information you now share on your blog.  I often use you as an example, without names of course, to help encourage others to speak.  I tell them that we have someone who  started speaking while still in high school and that they have continued either in person or by sending us something to read through the years.  You just never know the effect that your sharing may have.  "
" I have never had anyone regret speaking at Take Back the Night so I’m going to share that.  Then I also share that in actuality not only do they not regret it, they look forward to speaking again.  I love how positive your blog is and I’m glad you have been able to use your writing not only to help you, but now to help others.  Keep passing it on!"


It really means a lot to me that I help others speak out because I know how much it helped me the first time I went to Take Back The Night and heard other survivors speak. I finally realized that the way I felt and what I had gone through, someone else had felt and gone through as well.

I really hope that other's will share their stories because you never realize how much your sharing can help someone else. It might help them admit to you or someone about the abuse they are going through, or to help them get help with something they've gone through. Your story just lets other's know that they aren't alone.

It took me a long long time to be able to share my story. And I know how hard it is to tell the first few times, but it get easier every time. Now at times it's hard but after having opened up to others and having them open up to me about things they've gone through and helping each other it makes it easier. After having opened up to a few people and found that they've gone through something similar and never really talked about it and how they felt, made me want to share more to raise more awareness.

When you're ready to share, know that you don't have to let people know who you are, you can share your story at Take Back The Night without telling anyone there your name, you could write a blog, a letter, a book, and not have your name mentioned, do it under a fake name.



Your story really will help someone, so please open up in someway and share. Let your story be known and raise awareness, help victims know that they aren't alone, and give other survivors support and courage to share as well!  Weather you know of the abuse or not you more than likely know someone who has been abused....

Everyone knows someone who has been a victim weather they are aware of it or not, tell the story and help someone else.