Clothing does not equal Consent

I know I already posted a blog on how no matter what a person is wearing No means No, but I have more to add to this thought.

I cam across a photo on Facebook that really stood out to me and inspired me to share more about clothing (and maybe a future post about men's self control and the difference between a man and a rapist)

My school had this dress code, and I had to dress “modestly” at Jen and Jim's, while with my mother I had freedom to experiment with my expression of clothing.

Jim taught me that skirts meant easy access. I didn't wear dresses often for that reason while living there. But I also learned that it didn't matter what I wore (I shared that in the other post).

I rebelled against dress codes and the whole modesty bull crap – because it didn't prevent anything!

A typical weekend with my mom and how I dressed

When visiting with my mom I'd wear thin strapped tanks, belly shirts, platform shoes, and halter tops; then I'd head outside to play with the neighbor boys. We'd play football well after dark, climbed trees, and never did they try anything.

I met my husband wearing a mini skirt and tank top that most likely revealed some of my belly. That night we were at a bar dancing all night long – he was of age and had a couple beers. I kissed him on the dance floor. He drove me home, and didn't try to go anywhere, the only thing he asked me for was to go out on a date the following night.

When I met his family after a couple dates I learned that they had a dress code and once I was coming around the house often I was asked to follow it because I'd give the males in the house impure thoughts. Pants were too provocative and shape revealing. Girls/Women were to wear long skirts and T-shirts. (Keep in mind at the time it was the heat of summer and I was in short shorts and a tank)

My mind was blown! Skirts aren't SAFE!

I have trouble when it comes to someone telling me how to dress. I like to feel sexy. I like to dress sexy. I'm not dressing this way because I want to have sex (or well sometimes I am but with who I want to not just anyone) I'm dressed this way because I'm expressing my taste in clothing and showing off the body I'm proud to have.

Here are photos of me and how I've dressed...I feel very sexy and proud of my body

2007 on my Honeymoon 

2010 at a fair, my daughter in the pic is a little over a year old

2014 Halloween at a bar. Proud of my body after 2 kids!

There are some that may say that it's inappropriate to dress in such ways...I'd like to say this: appropriate clothing is defined differently by everyone. My above examples explain that, one person thinks that pants are to revealing while Jim proved how quick a hand can go up or down a skirt and into baggy jeans. You dress for the occasion. I would not wear a bikini to my child's school play (where's the water?) 

I shared the “dress code” image on my Facebook wall and a friend of mine made the comment, “...The stupid statement that "boys will be boys" is just another way of saying that males are incapable of self control and common decency. If I were a male, I'd object fervently to that insult. "

Well said!  If I were a man and heard someone say "boys will be boys" and that's why women need to cover up I'd say something like "No, I am a man and have control over my dick!"

I found another blog that dives into the topic of clothing “causing” men to rape women and how wrong society is for blaming the victim because of this whole concept of modesty. Check out her post: How the Modesty Doctrine Fuels RapeCulture.

I have to veer into the “concept of modesty”... We are born without clothing – this is our natural state! A toddler fights you on being covered and prefers to streak across the house (and pee on the floor) this is the state that we are meant to be. I think that reverting back to our nudest tendencies once in a while (or often) is healthy. I didn't use to be this way, I use to be very self conscious about being nude (that could be in large part to Jim making me strip and sit naked for him to view and judge me) My view of myself and finally being able to be naked comfortably came once I had my own apartment. I finally found comfort in my own skin and started to have a healthy body image of myself. Your naked body is nothing to be ashamed of – but rather embraced because it is yours! Once we can be comfortable and happy with our bodies we won't be uncomfortable with others or care much about clothing.

What if nudity was the everyday norm? Then clothing wouldn't be some poor excuse people say.

Back to the blog I found (How theModest Doctrine Fuels Rape Culture) I think everything she said was right. We can not keep going the way we are. I say NoMore “causes” Stop victim blaming, and open your eyes people. The only one responsible for rape and assault is the assailant.

In reading some of the comments left on the blog one stuck out to me because he said almost exactly what I said earlier about being in control over his own dick, but he says it a bit better worded than I could so I'll share it with you:

About 15 years ago I received some VERY important advice. At any time and under any circumstance, the only one responsible for a man's erection IS THAT MAN. A woman, girl friend - wife - 1 night stand - MAY CHOOSE to participate, but IS NOT RESPONSIBLE for doing anything about the man's erection. Since receiving that bon mot I have learned that may react to sensuality/sexuality of women around me but I do NOT have to do anything about it. Even if I do get an erection, it will go down on its own after a bit.

I think it is past time that societies stop allowing men to remain emotional teenagers.

What did you think? I'd be very interested in seeing what other guys have to say about this. As I mentioned at the intro to this post – I think I might write a future post on guys responses to the way women dress and self control. Do you want to share? Inbox me mystory2share2@gmail.com

I found this image (below) on Instagram and love it!! It really sums up how I feel on the whole “the way she was dressed” matter.

Because I wanted to farther make my point clear that clothing does not make a difference I did a Google search for “What I was wearing when I was sexually assaulted.” I believe that these stories really show that rape can happen to anyone no matter age, race, or whatever the fuck they are wearing!

Follow the links, check out the images and you tell me – Can we finally all stand together and support survivors, put an end to blaming the victim and take the shitty effed up phrase “she was asking for it” out???

*** Sexual Violence Myths: Provocative clothing is a risk factor.  Thank you!!  Rape and sexual violence is about power and control over another person.

***BuzzFeed: Sexual Assault Survivors Answer the Question "What were you wearing" on Twitter

***WhatIWasWearingWhenIwasRaped on Tumblr

 Images off Google search:

This is the image from my other post so strong it is on my pages again.

so well said!  There is a blog that goes with this post. Link below

 ***Normalizing the Acceptance of Rape.  Is this what society is doing?  Sounds like it. And that really makes me worry about my girls growing up in this world!

Here's some of my own images...I don't know what age or when or what I was wearing when Rick started touching me, and making me touch him. I've gone back through my old photos and I know thanks to a 2 year break in photos and from a published news article that I was 6years old when I told my Great Grandma. Look at these photos from my yearly childhood....was there anyway I was asking for it?? How could someone do that to a child? I don't care if I was 100% naked, a child is innocent...until that's taken away!

Then there's my older years....trying to go back in my mind, I don't know at what age Jim started the abuse, I know for sure it was when I went into puberty and he started measuring my boobs, but how did that happen? I don't remember. But from then on it was common place for anytime he was alone with me that I had to show him how I was changing, let him touch, measure, then “teach” me things. It didn't matter the season, or how I was dressed, it happened all the time. There wasn't just one outfit, it was in anything I wore.   

These were my school photos...

Have I made my point?  Clothing changes nothing.  I really hope people wake up and start to realize this!!

And just to make this even clearer... Men get raped.  They can be raped by women and they can by other men.  Sadly they have even a harder time talking about what happened to them.  Let me ask you a question, when a man is raped is it questioned what he was wearing?  Does a woman say he was asking for it by not wearing his shirt?  Or when one man rapes another man is it "I just couldn't contain myself, it gave me impure thoughts to see him everyday in the locker room and once I saw him nude I knew he was asking for it?" 

Really, do you see now?  Rape is about power, and control over another person.  It doesn't matter where they are or what they are wearing.

Help me spread this message, that no one wants to be raped! Clothing does not equal consent.  No means No no matter what! 

"Not asking for it!" ... No means NO!

I saw this image first on facebook and I had to share it, then find the STFU blog where it was published and check it out there, but I had to share it on here.


 Now the story behind this is that on the blog someone made a comment and I quote, "... its kind of like putting a meat suit on and telling a shark not to eat you"
I love how STFU replies to this guy (or I assume it's a guy) and I'm stealing their quote again "
"We (men) are not fucking sharks!
We are not rabid animals living off of pure instinct
We are capable of rational thinking and understanding. 
Just because someone is cooking food doesn’t mean you’re entitled to eat it. 
Just because a banker is counting money doesn’t mean you’re being given free money.
Just because a person is naked doesn’t mean you’re entitled to fuck them. 
You are not entitled to someone else’s body just because it’s exposed. 
What is so fucking difficult about this concept?"

This photo and story has been shared on facebook over 10,000 times!  I love that people are getting the word out there that no matter what a person looks like or what they are wearing that they aren't "asking for it."  It doesn't matter weather they are a hooker or a librarian if they say "no" it means NO.  I love how stfu worded their reply telling everyone that it's just like everything else in life, you're not entitled to it even if it's right in front of you.

I've always lived wearing what I want to wear, I love the human body and think it's beautiful so why not show it off?  I think it's completely natural to want to be naked and to be naked because that's how we were put on the Earth and how we're born.  We began to cover ourselves for protection against natural elements like the sun, bugs, the cold, not so that we're conseled from other people taking what they want from our bodies. 

I know people who think you should dress very modestly because if you don't then you're "asking for it" or as some others say your bringing out temtation in men.  I'm sorry but this is not true!  I know I've been there.  Yes when you have on less clothing it's easier for men to want you and find you attractive but a man should be able to controll his wants, and as stfu said "We are not rabid animals living off of pure instinct"  Yes when I wear less clothing I'm wearing it because I think my body looks great and that it's beautiful, the way God (or whoever/whatever you want to believe in) created me, and that it's fine for other people to look and like "the view" but it's not saying "I want to have sex with everyone" or giving anyone permission to touch me.  As for the part that dressing modestly will save you from rape, or others will be too tempted, like I said I've been there and it's not true.  In almost all cases rape, and sexual assault isn't about sex it's about power over another person.  I've lived in a house where I was forced to undress and be touched against my will until I was almost 17.  It didn't matter weather it was the dead of winter when I dressed warm or if it was summer and I had on a 2 piece bathing suit, it didn't stop him from touching me or having me undress.  I disagree with anyone who says that less clothing is more provoking...or that your asking for it.  No matter how much you cover up you can still be a victem.

No one "asks" for harm to come to them.  It doesn't matter how they are dressed.  I think that people should have self control!!  Men may find a woman attractive but it does not mean they have the right to touch them in any way. 

NC vote AGAINST amendment one

One of my friends from NC shared this and it makes me really angry...what is our country coming to that they think that single women can't be abused??  Abuse can happen to anyone, man, woman, child, teen, straight, gay, of any religion, of any color, weather they are poor or wealthy....




NO MEANS NO and weather your married, single, conservative, or a hooker if you say no that means NO and that's everyone's right...

I think this is just NC, but as my friend shared with me "there have been several similar amendments proposed all over the country- some restricting the concept of marriage to heterosexual marriages and others are opening up the definition. Also, several states have lately been proposing bills to take away a woman's right to leave a marriage and also criminalizing single-parenthood."

What are we coming to? the first amendment is for FREEDOM of speech, religion, press, and gatherings...FREEDOM...why are we now trying to restrict that for certain people or bind them to a bad situation?  

Domestic violence can happen to anyone and EVERYONE should be able to get help and protection.  I have never voted but if I was living in NC again I would darn well be out there voting next week.  Here are a couple other post I've seen:



I hope that this does not pass, I hope that women, men, and children of all ages, race, status, religion and however else you want to classify people, will always know that they can get help if they are being hurt, that they aren't to blame, that they did nothing wrong and they weren't asking for it.  I think that's one of the worst things I've ever heard, "they were asking for it" NO ONE wants to be hurt (in any way).
 

Please spread the word to any of your friends in NC you can do so by sharing with them this facebook page.