Embrace Your Voice: TBTN 2018

Take Back The Night is a powerful night that I'm mentioned in my blog before.  It's a night of healing, empowerment, sharing pain and sharing hope.  Every year the survivors get up and share their stories.  This year there was no keynote speaker, it was a night this year of just our stories.  There were women who got up in front of the crowd and shared for the first time of rape, molestation, domestic violence, pain, fear, and shame they were made to feel, and secrets they were told to keep.  Each of these speakers got up and ended their speech on such a strong and powerful note of hope, hope for others for healing, hope for others to get help, hope for a future starting today of no more shame on the victim.   I loved how each person gave the next hope.  That is what embracing your voice is about.

So now I'll share with you what I said... In purple I'm going to add some after thought notes just for those who are reading this and like it's my own journal what I would say:

I have these memories that I haven't shared. They are things I've kept bottled up because it's too hard to admit it happened.  But these memories I haven't shared, they come back to me vividly.  I think to myself , I was so young and there are so many things from my childhood I don't remember, how can I remember these things?  Why?  Why have they stayed in my mind when I don't want them there?

I remember a knock at the door, my father rushing me out of his bed and into the bathroom to hide.  "Shh, don't make a sound," and he left me to put back on my nightgown and stand there until he came back. He told me how no one could know about our special time.

I haven't shared that before.  I'm not sure if that's the first time I was told not to tell anyone but it's the earliest memory I have of being told not to say anything.  

When you're abused at a very young age you are taught that you have no voice.  Of course I wasn't mute, I spoke.  Just I knew, or rather was told - never to speak of the bad things.

At the age of 6 I told my great grandma what happened.  Not meaning to.  It was in a way only an innocent child could confess anything.  I remember drying off after a bath and saying, "Don't worry about the red there, it's probably just from when daddy touches me there.  He puts his thingie in my thing."

My life changed that night and I remember feeling guilty for tearing my family apart.  Things would never be the same again and it was my fault, because I said something.

Years later, many years later I'll realize how it wasn't my fault and how my family was already broken before I told everyone what happened.  Until I would realize this however, I'd carry the weight of that with me.  The kids at school asking why I lived with my grandparents, when it was time to tell about your family and I wouldn't say anything about a father.  "What about your dad?"  Kids would ask.

Which brings me to my next lesson of not speaking.  I didn't want to talk to others about what had happened, why I was different than the other kids, so I didn't.  Not until I was in 6th grade.  When I was making a friend and I told her why I didn't have a father; she told me about why she didn't too.  It was the first time someone had told me they had gone through much the same thing.  I was feeling a lot better knowing I wasn't the only one.  Until I got back home.  At this point in my life I was living with my paternal grandparents - the same ones who's son molested me.  The girl I confided in talked to her mom who talked to my grandparents who then had a talk to me.

  "Why would you share that info?  It's in the past.  You're not hurt!  Other kids will find out and you wouldn't want them to know.  She's probably going to go tell all the kids at school now what happened to you and you'll be the kid no one wants to be around."

At this point in school I already felt different than other kids.  I was a tomboy, didn't have many if any girl friends.  I was a loner, before I even knew what a loner was.  Now I felt for sure like everyone would know that I was dirty and something was wrong with me.

That was the last time I talked openly to anyone about what I'd gone through, for a couple years.  In high school I'd start getting counseling, discretely, in school.  I still didn't open up a whole lot.

My entire life, the only people who reacted poorly to my story - who told me to keep quiet, were my abusers.  I can say I am lucky for this, because I know there is a ton of victim blaming out there. -All I can say to those who make the victim feel bad for what happened, is shame on you for your lack of compassion and for digging at a wound of someone who is already hurt.  It is never the victim's fault! Everyone, EVERYONE, has the right to say NO!

I remember being questioned that..."Did you say no?" when I was making my report about my grandfather, once I finally admitted that Rick wasn't the only one to touch me. 

I went through puberty,  he'd measure my breast, teach me how to groom.  I don't remember if I said no at first, I doubt it.  No wasn't something we were allowed to say in that house.  I was uncomfortable as I grew and was made to undress.
He'd say "Let me play with your boobs if you want to go to the school dance."
"No"
"Why not?  Don't you want to go?"
"Well yeah"
 "Well then, it's not hurting anyone. Make an old man happy."

I was afraid of him too.  I'm not the only one he intimidated. I know he's made other adults cry at playing cards.  You didn't tell him no.  Over the years I would try to find a way to say no.  But I had no voice. Not in that house. Hell I didn't even have a voice when I had told my talked to Children and Youth and they said they needed to question me inside that house and as long as I told them I didn't feel safe they'd take me out...but I couldn't find my voice in front of Jen and Jim.  Twice I sat there and denied everything.  Of course this is before I confessed about Jim also being an abuser.  I was told after that had I talked about that it would have sped up the process of my getting out of that house.

From all my years of not being allowed to talk about my abuse, not standing up for myself, it took me a while to find my voice.  When I found out this years theme was Embrace Your Voice, it made me so happy.  I love the theme.  That is something I have done.  It's a very important step for all survivors to take, to embrace our voice and know that our abusers don't have the power to keep us silent.

I found my voice because of all the people who helped me heal.  Every person who I shared a part of my story with and I wasn't labeled or outcast-ed, I found my voice at Take Back The Night, each year as hard as it is to relive my past I've buried and to open up to a room full of people - most of which are strangers, I embrace my voice I found. I heal more. I gain my power back.  I am powerful with my voice.  I am not afraid to share my story; I use my voice to raise awareness.

Why is this night important?  Why are we saying "Embrace Your Voice"?
                                                 To Heal, Empower, and Educate

1. Tonight we heal, we are in a safe and supporting environment to listen to each other, share, and know we have help.
2. Empower.  We empower each other.  The people you brought with you cheer you one. We all cheer for you, and people you don't know come up at the end of the event and say "Good job" and Thank you for sharing. It takes a lot of courage to open up. Then to open up to a room full of people it takes even more, add to it how intimate this topic is and a microphone - yup You are strong!  We are here to empower each person that speaks.  And personally by telling my story I feel I give myself power back.  They don't have the power to keep me silent any more!
• There is another group we are empowering here tonight - the kids.  I was nervous the first few times bringing my daughters to Take Back the Night.  They shouldn't know about abuse. As parents we want to protect them from all the bad.  I've brought my girls with me almost every year I've spoken since they've been born.  There have been a couple years I'd have a sitter but they are usually here.  This year my oldest had a school concert tonight.  It fell on the same night, same time.  I asked her about the concert and told her it was the same night as that thing I spoke at last year.  You know what she said?  "Mommy you can listen to me sing anytime!  I want to go to your event."  Damn my kids are amazing.  Then a couple nights ago she asked if that same lady from last year would be speaking, "she had a sad story, a lot of bad things happened to her, that's sad, but she was so strong I like her."  I thought about it and I think I made the right choice in bringing them with me.  I am surrounding them with strong, powerful women.  We are empowering the next generation with our stories and knowledge that they will grow to know that these things happen but that we don't let them control us. That we say No, that we have a voice, and that there is always help.
3. Educate.  I have learned so much here over the years.  I have taken that knowledge each year and shared it with others.  And again I will point to our children, the ones that are here and the ones that we are around day to day, we need to educate them, and we are.  By embracing our voice and telling them about body safety.  We will raise boys that will become respectful men. We will raise strong girls who will grow to become respectful women who will know their worth, and not let anyone tell them different.  

To each of you sharing tonight (or any day) - come up here with your head held high, and embrace your voice.  When you leave here, keep your voice and use it!  We are listening.  We believe you!  And those who feel they have no voice - who are still in their cycle of abuse - who are afraid - who feel that they are alone - They all need your voice.  And I want them to know that they aren't alone, that it's not their fault, and that there is help.

So I'm going to ask you:

Are you ready to listen? 

Are you ready to stand up and say that sexual assault is a real issue?

Are you ready to embrace your voice?

Are you ready to cheer on each of these speakers?

I hope that this helps someone.  Yes, I speak each year because I take power back for myself by not keeping silent and living in fear of my abusers, but I share at TBTN and online in hopes that my story and links I share will help someone else.  There is help, and it's never too late to get help.  So I will leave you with some links and phone numbers that you can use or pass on to someone else.

Support for Survivors in PA

About the National Sexual Assault Hotline

 800.656.HOPE (4673)

Bad Days and taking the Power Back

We all have our bad days.  We have days when nothing seems to be going right, we have days where we are just depressed, and then sometimes we have a great start to our day and something happens and it ruins our mood.

Today, was one of the those days, a day I've been looking forward to and super excited about, had a great morning, and then someone said something and it got in my head and ruined that good mood I had.  Since then I allowed myself a breakdown and have been working on building up and getting my power back.

Let me share with you the whole story:

I jumped out of bed this morning, I've been busy all month long but I was looking forward to today!  My oldest went off to school while my little one and I got loaded up and went to the library, we met an author and had some really good conversations.
On my way home, I stopped to get gas and was approached by someone I had recently met while with my husband.  He came up to me with a wave and asked me what my first name was again. So I told him my first name, maybe people don't remember it or have a hard time processing that that's a real name.  Anyway he goes on and says "I thought I knew you from somewhere else did you grow up in Greentown?"
Close enough, my high school covered a large area so yeah I knew people from there even tho I lived about 40 minutes or so from there.  "Hawley area." I responded
"Oh your dad is Big Rick then?"
As you know from my post Names that his name is Rick so I responded with, "Yeah, I guess."
"He's a big guy." he goes on to puff out his arms to show large.
"I don't really know, he went to jail and I don't know him." I said.  I figured that was the easiest way out of this conversation I didn't want to be in any longer.  I don't know why I didn't just say "He's a convicted child molester so since he abused me I don't know him and don't want to associate with anyone who does.  Maybe it's because I was uncomfortable, I didn't know this person, and for all I know he could be thinking of someone else.
"Oh well my wife was so-and-so, You had a sister right?"
"I'm sorry I don't know, and I don't think so, but I gotta get going."

I drove off shaken.  It was such a odd conversation and make me feel so weird.  I continued on in a foggy mind of my own and then went home where I made lunch and finally confronted my issues and cried.  Now I'm writing my issues out...

I hate that I let that conversion affect me.  I hate that thinking about my abuse and abuser still sends fear, and a feeling of powerlessness over me.  What bothered me the most, I realized is that Rick is out there and doesn't have to be labeled, people can meet him and not know what is he or what he's done, that for all I know hell I could have a sister.  I sure as hell hope that's not the case, and I doubt it is, but that thought scares me.

I was mad that someone could talk about Rick (my abuser) like he was a normal person.  I feel that way a lot.  I've had people mention Jen and Jim to me before.  These people don't really know me and I always feel awkward.   I've even once had someone ask me how they were.
 I think that this feeling of anger and awkwardness at the mention of our abusers and hearing people talk about them as people is something that is common to us survivors.  We don't view them as people anymore.  Myself I wish they were gone, or that people saw them through my eyes.  I have mentioned before that I wish all pedophiles and rapist had to wear a label so they were dehumanized.  This might seem wrong, but in our shoes these people have failed at being a person.  They have failed those who had laid trust in their hands, they have failed at treating others as people.  We had become objects to them, objects they used and abused.  They made us feel like we were less than others therefore we (I) want them to feel that way and be viewed as such.  The problem with this is that as awful as their actions are/were they are still people, they are someone's brother (or sister- I think we forget that women can be abusers) they are were someone's friend, spouse, member of the church, they were/are someone who was/is known in the community, they are/were someone's son/daughter.

To show this I will use my own story, one that was told to me....
My Uncle and I had a couple heart to heat moments when he lived across the street from me when I lived with Jen and Jim.  I loved him, for all his flaws and troubles he had, I loved him.  I loved him because he didn't hold back from me when we were hanging out, he talked to me not as a child to be sheltered but as a person.  He is the one that told me when Rick was back around our farm, and told me that that was why sometimes Jen would do the chores for me.  He had my respect for having told me this info that I wasn't to know.  He made me aware of a situation, I kept my eyes open, I had trouble sleeping at night, but I knew.  Anyway back to his story...
He told me of the night he learned about what had happened to me.  "Rick told me that you had been touched and there was an investigation.  I grabbed my gun and said 'Let's go kill this guy' and started to head out for the truck, when Rick stopped him and said "That guy is me."  Rick was his brother.  He said he and thought about shooting him, even started to raise the gun.  But he couldn't.  He told me it messed with his head.  He dropped out (or failed) college and got even heaver into drugs then he had been. 

Rick had been a brother, a son, a business partner, and known in the community.  I've shared before how Jen blamed and viewed me as the person who's fault it was that her son went to jail.

Anyway back to my story today....With all these thoughts in my mind I was a bit of a mess.  Then I thought to a workshop I'd recently went to that was Taking Back Your Power, this workshop was not at all dealing with sexual abuse or anything of the sort.  It was breathing and taking back your classroom of those students who have negative behavior and changing to positive.  During this workshop the instructor told us how our past experiences reflect onto words others say so we make those words have different meanings than they have.  His theory is "No one can make you upset; you choice to be upset."  I did not like this theory.  As much as I didn't like this theory I kept thinking about it today... I let this ONE thing effect my whole day.  I was in a GREAT mood before, then from that one conversation my mind went to the negative and settled there.  I LET my mood and day be altered.  So I started to re think the conversation, that guy I don't know, probably doesn't know me.  Rick is a common name, he could have been thinking of someone totally different.  Because of my bad experience I related my experience to the words he was saying and they very well could have had not a damn thing to do with me.  Also I had just stepped back into victim, I felt powerless.  I am not powerless, I am in charge of my life, and I take my power back every time I speak out against abuse, each time I tell someone you are not alone, and I take a hell of a lot of power back when I speak and share my story.  They can't keep you down when you don't keep quiet.  I could have switched that whole conversation around by saying "Richard Davis?  He is a convicted child molester, and of no relation to me, (say that because I don't want to be related, we can't chose biology but we can chose who we claim) and if you are friends with him you can get the hell away from me because someone who takes advantage of children is no longer a person in my eyes."  Had I approached the question from that direction it would have cleared up exactly who he was talking about and given me all the power making known what Rick did and the type of "person" he is.

So I started to think about that...then from the same instructor I did some breathing and decided that nothing about me changed today...I was doing great, so now I needed to work through this and move on.  I thought it over, I could have said "no" when I was asked about "my dad" because I don't have one, Rick is dead to me, while he isn't in reality I have moved on and I have a good life. 

So for anyone who is having a bad day allow yourself to have a break down, we all need to yell, vent, and cry at times.  We also need to laugh, smile, and enjoy life.  So we need to go from break down to moving forward...
1. acknowledge how you are feeling, and why
2. let it out (yell, cry, vent, write, whatever it is that is going to get it all out of you)
3. breath (I will post some links at the bottom if you're interested in focused breathing)
4. acknowledge the positive in your life (make a list if you want)
5. go do something that will make you feel more like you and start feeling better
6. one foot in front of the other, from doing that one thing in step 5, do another or something that is on your to-do list

I wish you all healing.

Some links you might find of interest:
The instructor that I mentioned above, he did 2 amazing workshops which I learned a ton from, about breathing, movement, and he has a Breaking the Bullying Circle which is important, for more info about him and his programs visit: www.ronspeak.com

Take deep belly breathing breaths with this video to help calm and center yourself

Journal page to help you recognize the good stuff