The Perks Of Being a Wallflower (the movie)

A note before I start. I don't want to ruin or spoil the movie for anyone. It is a great movie so please if you haven't seen it yet then stop reading NOW and go watch it, then come back and read if you wish as I'm sure this entry will make more sense after watching the movie.

　

***Read on only if you've seen the movie***

 

I am so happy I was able to rent The Perks of Being a Wallflower from my local library and got to watch it.

I always find it hard to watch a movie or show that brings up childhood abuse or rape. I wasn't raped but the feeling that come with watching that are really hard to deal with. Everytime my chest gets tight, I often feel like hiding somewhere, I remember how I felt, and I always feel ashamed and like everyone around me can tell that I was that kid in the movie. I don't know if everyone feels that way...I never ask, I've never told how thoses scenes make me feel. I'd describe it a panic or anziity attack. And it always makes me uncomfortable to watch when there's a lot of people in the room, espically if I do cry or really freak out over my flood of feelings from the past. It does usually help to have my husband near to comfort me. Even though this is how I feel I still think it's important to have movies, and TV shows, and books that adress childhood abuse. It's important to make other uncomfortable, and to show them that this really does happen.

For me writing helps me sort out my feeling or to overcome emotions. It helps me to let it all out...and I can't let it out by talking. Talking about the way I feel has always been very hard for me even in coucling so I've always written...it is 12:15 in the morning and after watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower I had so much on my mind that I had to get it out. I hope to write and be done so that I can get some sleep tonight. Just a little side note for other survivors or victems, do whatever it takes for your feeling to be out there. Now back to relating to the movie...

I guesse now it a good time to relate to the main charater, Charlie. I could relate to him right off the bat. He kept a type of diary, writing letters to a Dear Friend, talking about what was comming up and how he was feeling just then, but never once did he mention abuse in the letters. He was a wallflower, a loner, and he was scared and nervous. He got close to a teacher, who probably didn't know it but helped him out, and encouraged his writing and education. He said in the begining of the movie how he went all summer without talking to anyone outside of his family. I knew just how he was feeling for that was me, all throughout school. I didn't make friends easily, but was really close to teachers. There were a few who were really helped me. I had friends in school but none that I was really really close to, and not one that I talked to over breaks. Jen and Jim kept me very issolated from everyone. Every year at the begining of the school year I'd wonder who would want to talk to me. It didn't bother me, I didn't mind sitting back and listening. I loved school it was my safe-haven from my home life where I could never do anything right and had to wonder if Jim was going to try to see me naked or touch me. I always kept a diary, although I never mentioned any abuse I was going through. I didn't start writing about my abuse or feelings over it until I was getting counceling from VIP.

By the end of the movie you learn about the molestation he had gone through, although you would have never known. Since I had watched this movie after reading "Inoculating Your Children Against Sexual Abuse!" I picked up on the big sign of the aunt telling him "our little secret" about getting him a gift. Other than that you wouldn't have known about what was going on, until they show you. I will encourage all parents now to get the book "Inoculating Your Children Against Sexual Abuse!" as it goes through steps in teaching your children to protect themselves one of which is your family has no secrets, and it also has a checklist for you to ask yourself about anyone that's around your kids.

He says that one of the hardest days is when he was getting help the doctor had to tell his parents what had happened to him, and how hard it was on everyone. Having gone through that not only once but twice, I can tell you it's extremely hard! Childhood sexual abuse doesn't only effect the child, but once everyone around, just in a different way. My family told me that they feel like they should have known, and sometimes blame themselves for what happened to me. It's hard to come to terms with that someone you know, someone that is part of your family would do such a thing to a child, to your child, one who you thought was safe. Parents wouldn't leave their kids alone with someone who they didn't think the kids wouldn't be safe with, so the abuse always comes as a big surprise. It was hard for me at a young age of 5 or so to tell my family the first time, espically since I didn't understand why they were making a big deal out of it or what was happening. The second time I had to tell people I was a grown teen of 17...and that was hard. I had to tell everyone that I had this big secret that I had kept and hidden for years. I think the movie did a great job at showing how hard it was on everyone to learn of what had happened, and to show how ackward it is after, how everyone feels uneasy. It's hard to get that emotion in a movie, but I think they did it well. I think it's easier for me to understand since I had gone through it.

The great thing for Charlie is that he made really great close friends who were there for him. And he had a very supporting family.

Just like in reality Charlie wasn't the only one to have suffered abuse, and I love how the writers go on to show that your friends don't turn their backs on you when they learn of your past.

Charlie's sister dates a guy through the movie and in one scene, and only one scene they show a fight between the two of them and he hits her. I've never been in a relationship like that but have had friends who have. I always said, and told my husband, if I was ever hit that would be the end of the relationship no matter what. I had my share of abuse growing up and I wouldn't and won't put up with it. I honestly don't understand why anyone would stay with someone who hits them or makes them feel bad. My one friend who I had learned that her boyfriend had hit her, when I told her to leave him and that she could do better, she made the excuse for him that she egged him on, it was only that one time, that she wouldn't stay if he hit her again, and that she had already invested too many years with him that she couldn't find anyone else and that she loved him. This same friend when set up with a great guy a few years before and went out on a date, told me that she couldn't date him because he was too nice for her and she didn't deserve that. It's really sad, and they say it in the movie, people go for and stay with what they feel they deserve. It's true, you do. I dated a lot of jerks and guys below me but there were 2 who really were good and showed me that I could date above the level I thought. One was my high school sweetheart who I dated for just under a year. He was supportive and the first one I told about what Jim had done to me. While we didn't stay together, him and I still remained close friend, and still are to this day. I'm very thankful to him for all the support he gave me. After we broke up, I went back to a low self estem and not dating anyone good. Finally my best friend at the time set me up on a blind date with the man who is now my husband. I really didn't think he'd want to stay with me, but he did, and he's turned my life around! So, if you're someone who is with someone who treats you poorly, just know that you deserve better, even if you don't think so, you do, you're worth more than you think!! I love how they show at the end of the movie the sister does leave her boyfriend and they show her happier without him.

Charlie's first relationship is with a girl he didn't really want to be with. I've been there too! He stayed with her because he felt bad for breaking up with her. There is no abuse in this relationship. He finally ends the relationship in an awful way. I really felt bad for the girl. It is never a good idea to stay in a relationship that you don't love the person your with. As a person who always wants people to be happy that's really hard to do. I know I dated a guy once who was sucidal. I didn't want to be with him, and had no feeling for him. I only said yes to going out with him because he got up the nerve to ask me out and I felt like I'd really hurt his feeling if I said no. Then once I learned about how he'd inflict self pain, I didn't want to break up with him for fear of him really hurting himself. It was a very awkward, and intense relationship. After dating only a week he told me that he loved me, and then at 2 weeks he told me that if I ever left him he'd kill himself. Wow. that makes it hard. I broke up with him finally after he had hurt himself and ended up in a mental hospital where he had called me. I figured at least there he was safe. I'm happy to say that the relationship in the movie wasn't like that, but it did remind me of that relationship I had. Relationships are hard and tricky, but you have to do what's best for you.

Charlie makes a great friend in Patrick, who is outwardly gay, but in a closed closet relationship. Patrick's boyfriend will not come out of the closet because he says his father will beat him, and when his father catches the two of them together he does. It comes out that the father started beating his son in front of Patrick. He didn't do anything to stop it and left. I feel really bad for both boys. I can't relate to them for lack of expierence here. I was only beat a few times, never in front of non family and never had to cover bruises. I feel for those who are gay and afraid of coming out. I wish people would stop judging and putting religion into it, they can believe whatever they want but 2 people who are of the same sex and want to be together aren't hurting anyone so why make them feel bad? I know as a mother, I would not turn my back on either of my girls if they told me they had a girlfriend. I think as a parent it's your job to be supportive. The sad thing about this abuse is that neither boy told anyone else, and neither of them got help. I don't care if their reason was that it only happened once, there is NO reason to beat a child, teen, person, like that. The dad should have gone to jail.

Through Patrick, Charlie meets Sam. He falls for her right away. One night she opens up about her first kiss being with her father's boss, when she was 11. She talks about how she was, we'll use the term lose, her freshman year. This too I can sadly relate to. While my family doesn't know, or well, didn't, if they read this they will and hope they don't think poorly of me. After finally getting out of Jen and Jim's house and given freedom, I had my first love, I mentioned him before. He was great to me, but when we broke up I felt like nothing. I was living with great family, but I lost all self respect. I slept around a bit until I met the man who is my husband. When you've been put down for so long, forced to undress, and be touched, it takes away your self esteem.

All of this makes the movie so powerful, heavy, and intense. I'm so happy that this movie brings up so many issues that I've had, and brings to light the topics of different kinds of abuse and how it effects people. I wasn't expecting any of that from the previews. The writers did a great job in while bringing to light such painful realities, really telling a full story, and kept you watching. They didn't go into full, hard to watch scenes of abuse, which makes it a lot easier to watch, when they did show any it was in a very short clip. Mostly the abuse it talked about, just like in reality, when friends finally open up and share with each other.

Thank you again to the writers, producers, and cast in this movie for doing such a wonderful job, and for bringing to light some many important matters!

Your story could Help

I posted my speech this year for Take Back The Night in which I spoke about why I speak and share my story. By sharing our stories as survivors we not only support each other but inspire each other to open up, get help, and in turn heal. I use to want to write a book or make a movie to bring about awareness but really never could write my story out word for word the way it happened, to tell it from start to end in detail. I could picture much of it although a lot of my childhood is cut in and out, I only have pieces of the memories, and many of which I wish I didn't have. My thought for sharing my story like that is to make childhood sexual abuse very public and to show that it happens and how often. I want to bring this issue that everyone hides and tries to cover up or say didn't happen to attention. I don't see me accomplishing this, but it is a good thought and maybe someone will do it with their own story one day. The book "A Child Called It" did that with childhood abuse and neglect. I have read that, and my heart went out to the child, it sickened me that someone could treat any person that way.

I always hope that by speaking each year at Take Back The Night that I'll help at least one person get the help that they need or to share their story and help another person. With this blog I hope that it's a safe way to do the same, and to let other survivors or victims know that they aren't alone.

I was really happy to see a large jump in the number of page views after speaking. I hope that it helps.

  I received these emails from my counselor which really made me feel good that I've helped others speak:
"Thank you so much !  I will share the information from your blog.  It was such an empowering night and I greatly appreciate your involvement through the years, as well as the information you now share on your blog.  I often use you as an example, without names of course, to help encourage others to speak.  I tell them that we have someone who  started speaking while still in high school and that they have continued either in person or by sending us something to read through the years.  You just never know the effect that your sharing may have.  "
" I have never had anyone regret speaking at Take Back the Night so I’m going to share that.  Then I also share that in actuality not only do they not regret it, they look forward to speaking again.  I love how positive your blog is and I’m glad you have been able to use your writing not only to help you, but now to help others.  Keep passing it on!"


It really means a lot to me that I help others speak out because I know how much it helped me the first time I went to Take Back The Night and heard other survivors speak. I finally realized that the way I felt and what I had gone through, someone else had felt and gone through as well.

I really hope that other's will share their stories because you never realize how much your sharing can help someone else. It might help them admit to you or someone about the abuse they are going through, or to help them get help with something they've gone through. Your story just lets other's know that they aren't alone.

It took me a long long time to be able to share my story. And I know how hard it is to tell the first few times, but it get easier every time. Now at times it's hard but after having opened up to others and having them open up to me about things they've gone through and helping each other it makes it easier. After having opened up to a few people and found that they've gone through something similar and never really talked about it and how they felt, made me want to share more to raise more awareness.

When you're ready to share, know that you don't have to let people know who you are, you can share your story at Take Back The Night without telling anyone there your name, you could write a blog, a letter, a book, and not have your name mentioned, do it under a fake name.



Your story really will help someone, so please open up in someway and share. Let your story be known and raise awareness, help victims know that they aren't alone, and give other survivors support and courage to share as well!  Weather you know of the abuse or not you more than likely know someone who has been abused....

Everyone knows someone who has been a victim weather they are aware of it or not, tell the story and help someone else.