"I would have never known that you went through that"
"You couldn't tell that you went through that"
"I would have never guessed..."
"You turned out so well..."
"I'm surprised at how you handle yourself...."
These are all things I've heard over the years and I don't know why but it
surprises me that people say some of them. You can't tell what a person has
gone through just by looking at them. Only physical abuse leaves marks. In
talking to someone, unless they tell you, you don't know what they've gone
through and keep secrete. Even people who you've known for years could harbor
dark details that you wouldn't have known about until they open up and tell you.
I know my family didn't know about what my grandfather was doing to me until I
told first my boyfriend at the time, then my counselor, then had to tell my
family about it...I was 17 at that point...and was already out of that house and
abuse. People wouldn't have known if I didn't say anything....so you can't tell
just by looking, knowing, or even talking to a person what they've gone
through.
Sexual, mental, and emotional abuse don't leave marks for people to see.
They leave permant lasting marks on the victims' memories, mind, and self image
most of the time. And these marks will never fully heal. Physical abuse does
the same thing to a person, only the physical marks will heal. Now I did say
that one will never fully heal from abuse, and it's true, but there's a lot of
healing that will happen in time, and with help and support.
Everyone copes with their abuse in different ways, and to stereotype that
everyone who has been abuse will have problems with drugs, drinking, or violence
is wrong. I'm very lucky in that I don't battle any of these problems. I
remember being told by my uncle who was raised by the same abusive grandparents
that once I was out of that house I would go off to college and party like crazy
and do all the drugs out there. That's what he did. I don't know what he went
through at all, he never told me much more than that my grandparents had gotten
soft, they were much harder on him. I think it also didn't help him when he
learned what his brother had done to me when I was so young. I loved my uncle
dearly. I was really caught off guard when I found out that he had committed
suicide.
I don't know for sure but since his father and brother both molested me maybe he had gone through something in that house at a young age as well. I don't know. Statistically speaking it's a good chance he was abused as well. I always thought and really believe that I was the only one hurt by my grandfather.
People are good at hiding things when they really don't want others to know something. Abuse isn't only for the people who are poor or doing drugs or it can happen to anyone no matter what their lifestyle could have been abused, or could be being abused. It doesn't matter how they look, or act. You just don't know.
So if someone tells you that they've been abused don't say "I would have never known" but try I'm sorry to hear, or if you can relate tell them that you know what it's like and share your story and be a friend who they can talk to.
Now when I was going through the abuse and my life was crazy and I was still in school and getting help I was told by my counselor how well I was handling everything and that helped. It helped to hear that I was doing good and she told me how strong I was. To say those things to someone who is being abused or just got out of an abusive home that will help, just let them know they are strong, doing good, and even when they feel like they are falling apart by telling them they are handling everything well will make them feel better. At least it did me.
Maybe that's why I didn't get into drugs bad or try to drink away my problems...just to know that someone cares and loves you can make all the difference. I was lucky to have had that in my teachers, counselors, and my family who was there for me and took me in.
