I saw a post from Project emancipate on Instagram that said
"Healing isn't linear" That's true. We have our ups where
we're overcoming our past and moving on, then something triggers us into
falling down sometimes only a little and we can easily dust ourselves off and
get to a better place, but sometimes it's a long fall where we are hurting and
can't seem to find a light to look forward to. Healing is a slow process
and it needs to be said, it's not done alone.
Think about it:
Broken bones take time to mend, and a support team: doctors,
friends, physical therapy.
Addiction isn't broken on one's own, but with help, support, and
courage from friends, family, therapy.
The death of a loved one, that hurts so deep and it doesn't feel
like you can recover from such a loss takes time and help from people around
you to finally start to move forward.
Why would we think it would be any different from emotional,
mental, and sexual abuses? Is it because we were told to be ashamed of
what happened to us? Is it because it's not something that always leaves
a visible wound - so it's less acknowledged? Is it because people don't
want to hear the pain of what we've been through that it's something too hard
to hear so society throws their hands over their ears like a 5 year old does
when they don't want to listen?
Why is it thought that once the abuse ends, all is better?
Like a band aid put over an invisible boo-boo you're expected to run
along and play.
I was told growing up to not talk to anyone about what happened.
I was taught to be ashamed, even that it was my fault. Before I was
in school my biological father had molested me - he was convicted and spent 5
years in jail.
Don't you think it would have been better had he been made to feel
shame - that he'd have to say to everyone he ever met what he did so they'd see
what he really was and have all the blame? Instead of asking a child why
they'd talk to anyone about it - it's in the past, leave it there! But
that's not how things worked at the time, he did his time and now he co-owner
and manager of a school bus company. How is that right?
My story didn't stop there - My grandparents on the same side
raised me - abuse is a learned cycle isn't it? Started with one person
who hurts another and if they don't know or learn any different then that's
normal and they continue the abuse passing it on. So why was I place in
the same home that raised a child sex offender? Money, connections, a better lawyer,
I don't know, but I know his mother blamed me for his conviction, and her
husband picked up the molestation. I was told to not tell anyone because
I wouldn't want to send him to jail too, he's too old, latter on I was told it
was the only way I'd get my inheritance, and no one would believe me anyway.
I was taught quite wrongly the rules of life:
- Lead a guy on and you have to deal the the consequences
- A guy can take what he wants
- I can't stand up for myself
- Saying no will only get you in trouble - Do as you are told
I am very lucky to have had a wonderful support group: Friends,
other family, counselors in school, and VIP; I learned that I wasn't alone,
that I could talk to people safely, that I could make a change in my life.
I got out of that house right before my 17th birthday. It was hard
and it took time and it was scary standing up for myself. Children and
youth came to that house twice and I couldn't admit that I didn't feel safe
there. Like I said it took time, but I got out and found a safe,
supportive, and caring home with the side of the family that should have had me
from the start. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. To
get the help I needed to finally feel love, safe, and start to heal.
Sexual abuse, mental and emotional abuse, these aren't things that
stay buried as much as we heal and move forward; metaphorically, the gash that
was so deep will heal but there will always be an unseen bruise that you will
at times bump and it will bring a flash of pain, emotions, or remembrance.
Last year was the first year I didn't write anything for Take back
the Night. After 10 years I couldn't think of anything to say. I'd
told my story and all I could think of. And to be honest I didn't want to
bump that metaphorical bruise. I was in a really good spot, trying new
hobbies, making new friends, and focusing on my family. I didn't want to
poke about in my mind to write and face my past. Let's face it, it's not
something we like to do. To think of how we were made to feel, to open up
to a large group about very personal issues. I'll be honest I have a bad
"down" day each year when I sit and write, as much as I want to be
positive, give hope, and inspire it's a hard emotional day when I write. So
I understand why people don't stand and share their story- it is really hard.
But last year I also realized that it didn't matter that I didn't want to
poke at my bruise that there were several things throughout the year that
bumped into that bruise anyway, and I'd have to deal with the pain and
emotions, so this year I dived back into my mind to share with you, as did all
the survivors who spoke tonight.
It took a team to help me get out of my abusive childhood home,
and a great gratitude I feel for those who helped me.
As we move forward and heal and continue to find ourselves, start
checking off your bucket list, with all the pain that we've felt we should know
great happiness as well, so I hope you go out and do something that makes you
happy, try something new, do something you know you love, have the biggest
slice of cake and savor it.
And to wrap this up I want to leave a thought with you:
While healing, and hope for a brighter future free from all forms of
abuse starts with voices of those who have first hand experience as a victim,
it takes more than just us to bring about change- we can't do it alone- we need
the support, voices, and strength of the whole community to take a stand with
us, to take a stand for those who are still suffering in silence.
