I know I already posted a blog on how
no matter what a person is wearing No means No, but I have more to
add to this thought.
I cam across a photo on Facebook that
really stood out to me and inspired me to share more about clothing
(and maybe a future post about men's self control and the difference
between a man and a rapist)
My school had this dress code, and I
had to dress “modestly” at Jen and Jim's, while with my mother I
had freedom to experiment with my expression of clothing.
Jim taught me that skirts meant easy
access. I didn't wear dresses often for that reason while living
there. But I also learned that it didn't matter what I wore (I
shared that in the other post).
I rebelled against dress codes and the
whole modesty bull crap – because it didn't prevent anything!
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| A typical weekend with my mom and how I dressed |
I met my husband wearing a mini skirt
and tank top that most likely revealed some of my belly. That night
we were at a bar dancing all night long – he was of age and had a
couple beers. I kissed him on the dance floor. He drove me home,
and didn't try to go anywhere, the only thing he asked me for was to
go out on a date the following night.
When I met his family after a couple
dates I learned that they had a dress code and once I was coming
around the house often I was asked to follow it because I'd give the
males in the house impure thoughts. Pants were too provocative and
shape revealing. Girls/Women were to wear long skirts and T-shirts.
(Keep in mind at the time it was the heat of summer and I was in
short shorts and a tank)
My mind was blown! Skirts aren't SAFE!
I have trouble when it comes to someone
telling me how to dress. I like to feel sexy. I like to dress sexy.
I'm not dressing this way because I want to have sex (or well
sometimes I am but with who I want to not just anyone) I'm dressed
this way because I'm expressing my taste in clothing and showing off
the body I'm proud to have.
Here are photos of me and how I've
dressed...I feel very sexy and proud of my body
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| 2007 on my Honeymoon |
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| 2010 at a fair, my daughter in the pic is a little over a year old |
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| 2014 Halloween at a bar. Proud of my body after 2 kids! |
There are some that may say that it's
inappropriate to dress in such ways...I'd like to say this:
appropriate clothing is defined differently by everyone. My above
examples explain that, one person thinks that pants are to revealing
while Jim proved how quick a hand can go up or down a skirt and into
baggy jeans. You dress for the occasion. I would not wear a bikini
to my child's school play (where's the water?)
I shared the “dress code” image on
my Facebook wall and a friend of mine made the comment, “...The
stupid statement that "boys will be boys" is just another
way of saying that males are incapable of self control and
common decency. If I were a male, I'd object fervently to that
insult. "
Well
said! If I were a man and heard someone say "boys will be
boys" and that's why women need to cover up I'd say something
like "No, I am a man and have control over my dick!"
I found another blog that dives into
the topic of clothing “causing” men to rape women and how wrong
society is for blaming the victim because of this whole concept of
modesty. Check out her post: How the Modesty Doctrine Fuels RapeCulture.
I have to veer into the “concept of
modesty”... We are born without clothing – this is our natural
state! A toddler fights you on being covered and prefers to streak
across the house (and pee on the floor) this is the state that we are
meant to be. I think that reverting back to our nudest tendencies
once in a while (or often) is healthy. I didn't use to be this way,
I use to be very self conscious about being nude (that could be in
large part to Jim making me strip and sit naked for him to view and
judge me) My view of myself and finally being able to be naked
comfortably came once I had my own apartment. I finally found
comfort in my own skin and started to have a healthy body image of
myself. Your naked body is nothing to be ashamed of – but rather
embraced because it is yours! Once we can be comfortable and happy
with our bodies we won't be uncomfortable with others or care much
about clothing.
What if nudity was the everyday norm?
Then clothing wouldn't be some poor excuse people say.
Back to the blog I found (How theModest Doctrine Fuels Rape Culture) I think everything she said was
right. We can not keep going the way we are. I say NoMore “causes”
Stop victim blaming, and open your eyes people. The only one
responsible for rape and assault is the assailant.
In reading some of the comments left on
the blog one stuck out to me because he said almost exactly what I
said earlier about being in control over his own dick, but he says it
a bit better worded than I could so I'll share it with you:
About 15 years ago I received some VERY important advice. At any time and under any circumstance, the only one responsible for a man's erection IS THAT MAN. A woman, girl friend - wife - 1 night stand - MAY CHOOSE to participate, but IS NOT RESPONSIBLE for doing anything about the man's erection. Since receiving that bon mot I have learned that may react to sensuality/sexuality of women around me but I do NOT have to do anything about it. Even if I do get an erection, it will go down on its own after a bit.
I think it is past time that societies stop allowing men to remain emotional teenagers.
What did you think? I'd be very
interested in seeing what other guys have to say about this. As I
mentioned at the intro to this post – I think I might write a
future post on guys responses to the way women dress and self
control. Do you want to share? Inbox me mystory2share2@gmail.com
I found this image (below) on Instagram
and love it!! It really sums up how I feel on the whole “the way
she was dressed” matter.
Because I wanted to farther make my
point clear that clothing does not make a difference I did a Google
search for “What I was wearing when I was sexually assaulted.” I
believe that these stories really show that rape can happen to anyone
no matter age, race, or whatever the fuck they are wearing!
Follow the links, check out the images
and you tell me – Can we finally all stand together and support
survivors, put an end to blaming the victim and take the shitty effed
up phrase “she was asking for it” out???
*** Sexual Violence Myths: Provocative clothing is a risk factor. Thank you!! Rape and sexual violence is about power and control over another person.
Images off Google search:
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| This is the image from my other post so strong it is on my pages again. |
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| so well said! There is a blog that goes with this post. Link below |
Here's some of my own images...I don't
know what age or when or what I was wearing when Rick started
touching me, and making me touch him. I've gone back through my old
photos and I know thanks to a 2 year break in photos and from a
published news article that I was 6years old when I told my Great
Grandma. Look at these photos from my yearly childhood....was there
anyway I was asking for it?? How could someone do that to a child? I
don't care if I was 100% naked, a child is innocent...until that's
taken away!
Then there's my older years....trying
to go back in my mind, I don't know at what age Jim started the
abuse, I know for sure it was when I went into puberty and he started
measuring my boobs, but how did that happen? I don't remember. But
from then on it was common place for anytime he was alone with me
that I had to show him how I was changing, let him touch, measure,
then “teach” me things. It didn't matter the season, or how I
was dressed, it happened all the time. There wasn't just one outfit,
it was in anything I wore.
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| These were my school photos... |
Have I made my point? Clothing changes nothing. I really hope people wake up and start to realize this!!
And just to make this even clearer... Men get raped. They can be raped by women and they can by other men. Sadly they have even a harder time talking about what happened to them. Let me ask you a question, when a man is raped is it questioned what he was wearing? Does a woman say he was asking for it by not wearing his shirt? Or when one man rapes another man is it "I just couldn't contain myself, it gave me impure thoughts to see him everyday in the locker room and once I saw him nude I knew he was asking for it?"
Really, do you see now? Rape is about power, and control over another person. It doesn't matter where they are or what they are wearing.
Help me spread this message, that no one wants to be raped! Clothing does not equal consent. No means No no matter what!
