My first experience with Take Back The Night was in 2005 and I've been writing for and speaking at this TBTN ever since. You might wonder why I've done this for 10 years and why I share my story online - That's easy for me to answer...because I felt so alone in my struggle with what happened to me until hearing others share, I know what it's like to be inspired by the men and women who get up in front of this mic and speak that helped me and I truly believe that by speaking out and sharing our stories we are raising awareness and can combat abuse.
I've had some people say I make speaking in front of this room seem easy. I don't know about that; I'm not a professional speaker, the only time I get up in front of a group to speak is here. But I've also had a lot of practice and that dreaded speech class in middle school. A lot of people say they don't think they could get up and share - I understand that, public speaking is the number one fear of people, but I have to ask.... after what we've each gone through or seen someone go through, is public speaking really your biggest fear? I can get up here and share because while I get nervous (my hands were cold and sweaty and I had to remind myself to just breathe) I know that public speaking is NOT my fear.
My biggest fear is my children going through the abuse I faced - and all the terrible things I was lucky to not have had happen to me. As a parent your main concern is the safety of your babies. You'd do anything to protect them, shelter them from the world and do your best to keep them from knowing the pain and fear of abuse. We can't protect them from everything, they are bound to fall and scrape their knees, fall off a horse, and get their hearts broken at some point. That's life. But I hope to be able to protect them from all the pains that have been shared, by talking about their day and teaching them the no-touch zone, watching for warning signs of grooming... (please read Post: A book that is a MUST for EVERY parent) But I'm not with them every minute of every day, and as they get older there's even more to fear. How can I protect them completely? I wish I knew. The best I can do right now is to share my story, so that it raises awareness and with awareness come an end to all forms of abuse.
So my story....
My name is Fawn. I'm 27, and a survivor of childhood molestation, but I'm not going to tell you about that (if you really want to know you can read through all my past blogs on here as my story is spread out throughout it all, on the post names you learn the names of my abusers) Instead I'm going to tell how I got help.
When I was about 6 years old I spent the night at my Great Grandma's like I use to a lot. I told her after my bath something like 'it's OK if I'm red down there because,' like only a child could say "Daddy put his thingie in my thing" I don't have many memories from my young years - more like short flips from a movie that have stuck or pop up from time to time, that that night, that changed everything I knew, that night has always stayed with me. Me standing at the end of her hallway in her living-room telling her that, not understanding that it was wrong. I knew I was told not to tell anyone but I was so young I didn't understand. The next thing I knew I was telling a bunch of the family members and learned a few new terms, his thingie was called a penis. I remember being confused as to why everyone was making a big deal about this, and I was liking the attention(I was 6 and everyone was listening to me and giving me hugs) but I was also embarrassed to keep repeating what I already said. After that I don't remember what happened or where I lived or much of anything. I have a huge blank space. I know at some point I was in foster care, I remember some of that, then around Easter time, I believe, I was "adopted" by my abusers parents - my grandparents. As a teen I know it made me so angry that some judge granted custody to the 2 people who raised a child molester.
Life went on.
I never told anyone when my grandfather started "measuring" my boob growth - never mentioned anything he did to anyone. I was embarrassed - really to have such things happened twice - I felt alone too. No one talked about such things happening to them. Something was wrong with me. As I grew older I was also afraid, I was told I could never tell anyone - no one would believe me. I kept my mouth shut.
Most of my teenage years I went on like this; even when I was trying to move out I never spoke of what was actually happening inside the house. I was embarrassed and ashamed and he was right, he had money, power, and I had no proof - Who would believe me?
It wasn't until I was 17 and out of that situation that I had a flashback and broke down and told my boyfriend at the time what had happened. He told me I had to talk to my counselor about it. It took me a long time to admit even to myself that what happened was abuse. I was so embarrassed that it had happened to me again, I hated to tell anyone. Then there had to be a case, and I had to answer questions and talk about what he did to me - it felt like an invasion of privacy - I was exposed. I didn't want anyone to know - that was a secrete I was going to hide! but I couldn't and as hard as it was to talk about it and get help at least now I'm not the only person to know the type of person he was. I can talk about the pain when I feel it. It's no longer something dark inside me, now it's something that I've gone through. I don't know if I'd say I'm stronger for it but because of my abuse it's why I want to fight against it and because I survived I know that I can face a lot and make it through.
I'm no longer embarrassed. No longer do I feel alone and different, because I know I'm not the only one to have gone through it. No longer do I have to be quite. - "Don't tell anyone." - No longer ashamed. No longer do I fear that I won't be believed, that no one is on my side. It was super hard to talk about at first - but now it's freeing and empowering.
I'll leave with a few words of encouragement and advice for those of you who are going to speak tonight (or next year) for the first time, and for those of you who have stories you haven't shared yet and don't know if you can...
1.) Talk! If you haven't opened up yet, just talk to your friends - you might be surprised at how many say "I went through something too." Once I opened up my friends shared with me too. The statistic is... 1 in 4...(women)....sadly I think the number is higher.
2.) If you haven't spoken at TBTN yet, and have something to share, think about next year. Go home tonight and write about how you felt, if anyone inspired or comforted you. Write your reasons for not sharing and the reasons you have to share. Think about it. Write what you want to say. If next year comes and you can't get up here it's OK, talk to one of the lovely VIP people and they can read your story for you. I've done it.
3.) If you are speaking tonight (or when you do speak tomorrow, next week, in a year, whenever)... Take a deep breath, give yourself a pat on the back and know that you are strong!! and this is a very safe and non judgmental place to do public speaking. It's OK to break down here and cry - we will cry with you - tears will be shed tonight - it's an emotional night. Yell if you want - we understand your anger! Don't worry about being perfect up here - no one is grading you and for that matter no one in life is perfect. Just think of this room and everyone in it as a big support group - which in a way it is. When you first look out at the crowd, don't see a room of strangers, see you family, friends, supporters. See everyone as a fellow survivor and know you're in one of the safest places.
Lift your head high and take pride in knowing that you are taking a stand, you are acting against the abuse we've each faced.
Now is our time to act, to stand against abuse, to raise awareness and to end all abuse! If you need more proof that NOW is our time go online and search:
NoMore.org
Take Back The Night (#TakeBackTheNight and #TakeBackTheNight2015)
#YouAreNotAlone
#EndAbuse
(for more inspiration and to see the movement go check out my post Others who are speaking out)
There's a movement - it's been going on for a long while - and now is our time to be heard!!!!
Good luck to each of you!!
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| a photo of me with my NoMore sign. Image credit: MichelleLee Photography |
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